Missed Connections: AUGUST 2022

Ethically-sourced and confirmed by a senate majority overseen by Dr. Karl von Lichtenhollen (since 2017)

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LEO The Lion (July 23 – August 22) Throughout time, lions have been enduring symbols of majesty and might, which is one reason Leos are so full of themselves. Another is their small feline brains that are incapable of gratitude or empathy. Often quite charming, with a flirty disposition reflecting a wildly optimistic assessment of their own attractiveness, Leos are so susceptible to flattery you can literally complement them into giving you money, buying a Lamborghini or taking off all their clothes in public. Leos are more emotional than verbal: instead of saying “I love you,” they will cheat on you with great enthusiasm. The world is their litterbox.

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CURB ALERT Hello I have some pavers left over from a project, they’re piled up in front of my house, just need to pick them up soon cuz they’re blocking my neighbor’s driveway and I don’t know how much longer I can listen to him bitch about it. ~ Martin by the train station

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Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.   – Tyrell Wellick in Mr Robot

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WOOF and… WOW! Bully Breed dog show is a party for all pet lovers. Demos, vendors, networking, and all the smushable bully faces you can love on. Aug 6 (9AM – 9PM) Gr. Phila Expo Center / The Wow Factor ABR Show

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Hello neighbors! I need a school age child to assess using cognitive measures. Not for real, just for practice. I’m a psychology grad student (I probably should’ve led with that). Thanks,  ~Kabita

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Warning! Don’t Sleep Naked! However way you present yourselves in the physical, you will appear in the spiritual realm. Thus, sleeping naked provides easy entry for demons of lust to use your exposed, vulnerable body for their perverted pleasures. Sleep modest, and stay safe.  @SisterScarlette

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I need someone to explain to me why it’s always “If you can’t pay rent, buy fewer lattes and avocado toasts” and not “If you can’t pay your employees a living wage, buy fewer yachts, rockets and spacecraft.” Explain it to me like I’m in kindergarten. Thanks that’d be great.  ~ Marty

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Dear husband: was your first kiss like mine? Equal parts lovely and sleazy. Also I was lying when I swore our pasts didn’t matter, mine means the world to me. Let’s be real. ~ Same Old Dina

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FREE ICE CREAM!! Weds Aug 10th (3 – 5pm) On the grounds of Woodmere Art Museum (9201 Gtown Ave). Come out for cool treats from Bredenbeck’s and  the Friends of the Wissahickon, plus family-friendly fun. With 6-acre sculpture garden, including “La Cresta” a land-sculpting installation inspired by the ancient European horticulture practice of “hügelkulture”.  All welcome. FREE.

BIKE & BREW  Who wants to ride with me down the SRT to that brewery? No not the one you’re thinking in Conshi, the new one that’s farther down in Bridgeport. Good food, nice beer garden although I’m not sure why they have all the flowery planters if we’re not supposed to pee in them. Hit me up, first round’s on me. ~ Damone

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Science Fact: All fungi are edible (some only once).  #mycology

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BEST FIRST DATE? Breakfast! I’ve been thinking about this awhile, hear me out. First dates should be breakfast because A: the worst thing that could happen is lunch, which is harmless. B: you can see who drinks more first thing in the morning. C: if we don’t click, we have the rest of the day to do something productive. And lastly, D: danish!   #BoutiqueRiverFalls

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CASH MONEY!! How Dope Are You? The judges and crowd will decide! We are giving away $500 for hot lines and rhymes, no cursing or violence. Every 4th Wednesday, 260 S 51st St. Doors open 6pm – 9pm. Ages 14+ includes free healthy meal and all the community love you can handle.  @Blackwellculturealliance with Purple Queen of Progressive Quality Radio.

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I know we GenXers take a lot of shit but you have to admit our sneering distrust of everything turned out to be 100% correct.  #Nevermind

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Yo did everyone hear about that cheerleading coach? She’s a pagan witch and she coerced her students into standing in a circle and honoring her gods. She taught them all kinds of things about her beliefs in the process – if they didn’t go along, she’d suggest they weren’t team players! GRRR!!! No wait, sorry, I have that wrong. Actually that was a Christian football coach. But if this sounds OK but the first one doesn’t, then you’re not for religious freedom but for Christian Fascism. Religion 👏Doesn’t 👏Belong 👏 In 👏Schools 👏

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ATTENTION — The Stanton Street Groundhog emerged from his trash pile at noon on July 23rd to bless East Falls with his presence. Bad news for Fallsers: he saw his shadow, which foretold 7 more days of heatwave. Neighbors regardless rewarded him with fresh cilantro, his favorite. #marmota_monax

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My conspiracy theory is that time travel is real and someone keeps trying to fix 2020 by changing something, but every time they do, they unwittingly make matters worse.   #oopsIdiditagain

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If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. Happiness comes from overthrowing the government and holding the politicians who stole our freedoms accountable. #truth

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Praise You —  We met on Friendster in 2004. Friendster! After all these years I’m still often inspired by the photos you sent. Last I heard you were a high and holy preacher in this here Phillyhood. Let’s meet up and break all your sacred cows. I’ll be speaking entirely in tongues. – The Enunciation

Group Piano & Voice Lessons – an affordable option for beginning students, classes are an engaging and effective introduction to musical practice. Weds & Sats at the Phila Circus Arts campus on Greene St in Germantown. Ages 4 – 15. Tavaniacademypa.com

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Is this weird? When I die, I want to be cremated from the neck down, and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me at the funeral, you have to hold my head stick. I think it’ll make for an interesting eulogy or at least a short one.  #ThatsGoth

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Realist’s Prayer: Please god let me vote for the Democrats that exist in the frightened imaginations of the MAGA crew, because I keep voting for the real ones and they never do shit. #amen

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Like my friend Maud once said: “There are times when you must speak, not because you are going to change the other person, but because if you don’t speak, then they have changed you.”  — Melissa McEwan

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For Immediate Release: Toyota Recalls 1993 Camry due to the fact that owners really should’ve bought something new by now. #KellyBlueBook

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WANTED: Test subjects for Human Soul-to-Yeast studies.
University of Penn study focused on converting the human soul to yeast for baked goods. Subject volunteers should be basic, vapid, narcissistic and preferably republican. Apply within and do without. Your soul. Those with Spirits rather than souls need not apply. So don’t apply. Or try to stop us. ~The Group

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Hot In Here — Hey I heard somewhere that if you sleep naked, you’ll have the best sex dreams. Is this true? Asking for a friend. – Damien

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I asked God for a bike but I know He doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness!  #DadJokes

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2022 Philly Open Breakdance Championship — The best breakers of all styles in the world competing for $14,000+ in cash & prizes. PLUS Graffiti Battle and Skateboard Trick Contest.
Aug 12, 13, 14 / Phila Expo Center at Oaks / Tix $15+ at Eventbrite.

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What’s the deal with food “porn” ? Why the obsession with calling food or recipes “better than sex” ??  I’ve tried your Pinterest risotto, Sharon, and frankly I’m wondering if your needs are being met. #itsjustrice

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Old Dude 7/29 Majors: I was arguing with the clerk about their sign saying Swisher Sweets were two for $1.50 but he’s trying to charge me $1.50 each. You were like “Hey are you even old enough to smoke?” so then the guy carded me but I didn’t have my ID so I left without telling you both to go fuck yourselves. My bad.  ~ Danny

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Who else has the type of anxiety that tells you that, if you stay hypervigilant & informed – and if you, in detail, imagine every possible bad outcome — you will thereby ward off harm to yourself and your whole community like some kind of powerful, jumpy magician? Also how are you doing?  ~ Lara

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Remember! Capitalism is working perfectly. You’re supposed to be exhausted and frightened to lose your job and die homeless – it makes it easier to treat you like trash and under pay you. If you’re worrying about rent & groceries, you can’t focus on firing all the billionaires into the sun, where they belong.  #eattherich

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ME (laughing, slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand):
Haha! Stop hitting yourself! Why are you hitting yourself?! Huh? Huh?

SISTER-IN-LAW (crying): This is why I didn’t want an open casket!

Josh Hawley went out to incite
The mob in DC with delight.
He stood as their cheerer
But when they came nearer
He galloped away in a fright.
@Limericking

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HAY YOU! In your red checkered halter, towing a load of hay down Oregon Ave., blond curls a-flyin’ in the breeze. Hooooh weee! Don’t care if you’re a colt or a filly, I’m reaching for my hot stick, either way. Is it me? Or has inclusivity always been this fun? ~Country Fish and the Joe

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Herbal Hints from Helen #67 – Things You Can Burn for Stress Relief: sage, frankincense, marijuana, racists, pedophiles, lavender, ylang ylang, calories

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CREMATION IS MY LAST HOPE FOR A SMOKIN’ HOT BODY

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Drives me crazy when the same people losing their shit over a drag queen storytime because it’s “inappropriate for children” but yet they’re cool with full size replicas of human sacrifice, where a man is nailed to a pole with his arms spread wide and blood gushing out his rib and trickling down his face from a fucking thorn made of crowns on his head, also covered in blood. Sorry, but your religion is horrifying.

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Skip the yardsales, come to ThirftCon Philly, where 100+ vintage clothing & collectible vendors assemble under one roof for all the fun of bargain hunting with none of the hassles. Aug 28 (10am – 5pm) / Gr. Phila Expo Center / Tix $12 via Eventbrite

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Diamonds are formed under pressure. Dough rises when you let it rest. The same boiling water that softens the potato will harden the egg. We’re all our own things; what’s motivating you could be crippling to someone else. #neurodiversity

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Marcel:  Three years ago, Triple Bottom Brewery, opening time on a weekday. We’re the only two customers, you sit right beside me. Mon Dieu! I blush now, remembering our conversation and the longings I confessed. Circumstances have changed for me, but the need is even stronger. Hello?  ~Mme Catherine Deneuve

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Huge respect to anyone who didn’t watch Game of Thrones at all. Not even a single episode. Even with all the constant noise made online and offline. For real: these people cannot be affected by social pressure, peer pressure or any kind of pressure in this world. The rest of us should find a way to tap into their superpowers somehow. ~ Tizzie

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Strangest thing, cause I never ride the bus (always the train) but today I was on the 26 and I looked down, jesus, right there by my good foot, clear as day! My face on a PA driver’s license that is NOT MINE!! I’m visiting from Lansing, MI so it’s impossible. Talk about a missed connection! Who are you Linda N? And why do we have the same birthday? Please get in touch. ~ Mrs. Jean Walters

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I believe that if your rights come from God, he would’ve given you the right to some food every day, and the right to a roof over your head. He wouldn’t have been worried about making sure you have a gun.   – George Carlin

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HERE’S THE PLOT! 97% of the world’s scientists conspire to create an imaginary environmental crisis, only to be exposed by a plucky band of billionaires, senators and oil companies! It’s almost too realistic, right? #sarcasm

AVOID IF YOU ARE DRIVING OR OPERATING HEAVY MACHINERY:
Greetings, community! I’m Dr. Gerry DiNardo, a certified hypnotist with a new office I’m promoting with this free sample of my services. You are reading this ad. Your eyes are getting heavy. Your neck muscles, relaxing as I count one… two… three…Shoulders now, tension melting. Get wide. Sky. Wind. Dissolve. You. Dissolve. Now. <chimes>

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When people like to remind me my biological clock is ticking, I tell them it hasn’t worked since I took the batteries out and stuck them in my vibrator.  #thelookontheirface

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Who knew the apocalypse was going to be so slow and expensive?  #exhausted

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I was applying my rectal fissure ointment, when I heard you guys knocking. I finished up and quick plated the finger food then ran to the foyer to answer the door and shake hands with everyone. Warmly, Phil Pathogen

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Teaching kids about frogs isn’t grooming them to become amphibians. Reading a book about Einstein won’t make your kid a genius. Acknowledging that some kids have two dads isn’t trying to make them gay. It’s helping them learn about the world around them. An open mind is the thing that terrifies conservatives more than anything.

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Inner beauty. It’s not just for ugly people anymore.   ~Mr Rogers

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American politicians love to talk about the “middle class” — which implies the existence of an upper and a lower class, right? But no politician ever says those words ever. Weird, huh? Talk amongst yourselves.

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Sometimes in life you’ve got to be your own COACH, your own CHEERLEADER, and your own FAN. Love,  @agreatmama

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Hello neighbors I put out a bunch of garbage yesterday for the trashmen well they came by and only emptied the one bin. All my piles are still on the sidewalk where I stacked them. Wtf? They’re not taking rebar, drywall and old paint now?! How’s that my fault?! Mind your business. ~ Gerald

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Worried about your pets after the Rapture? For just $10, you can register up to three pets for caretaking services by our dedicated non-Christian yet animal loving staff who have agreed to stay on after the Apocalypse to ensure the health & safety of the dogs, cats and small animals you leave behind. Ask us about our atheist aquarium tenders! @EndTimesPetCare

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Do lighthouses have wifi? I feel like I would be a great fit to work in a lighthouse. I love the sound of waves. I hate people. I look great in a cableknit turtleneck. I’m a terrific brooder. And I would totally fuck a ghost if pressed.  #whichwaytocapemay

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PSA: It’s only sodomy if it’s from the Sodom & Gomorrah region of Mesopotamia;  otherwise, it’s just sparkling butt stuff.   @RandyRainbow

The Baddest Little Show on Earth —  The world’s smallest pro wrestlers compete Friday August 19 in an all-out, body-slamming battle for greatness, and the 2022 EMW title. Voted #1 Entertainment Show by Fans Across America!! General admission $25 / Ringside $40. Extrememidgetwrestling.com PS This is kinda fucked up, though.

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I mean, it’s a drag, and we’re all busy, but there’s going to need to be some kind of revolution. Sorry.  ~Frankie

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Q: Why aren’t there “shirtless cop” calendars like there are for hunky firemen? A: Swastika tattoos

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CAL’S CATERING – We Cater Any Event! Wedding, Cousins Wedding, Graduation, Horse Funeral, Drug Intervention, Cousins Divorce, Tuesday, Birthday, Dog Birthday, Last Meals, More! Tasteful and affordable, see listing online.

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What is WITH you people??? The most question marks and exclamation points you ever need to use is one!!!!  @Grammerly

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Vicki? I was on my way out of Circuit City and she was on her way in. I was wheeling out my new Jensen speakers and she was there to pick up a pack of 90 minute blank cassette tapes. We got to talking and hit it off. Had some drinks and laughs at Chi-Chi’s. Pecked a kiss in the parking lot and never saw each other again. That was 1996. Are you she? Is your name Vicki? Remember me?!  ~Steve in the Franks Nursey shirt (you won’t believe what my mom’s house is worth now).

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#FACTS: There have been nearly 3000 gods in human history so far but only yours actually exists. The others are silly, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Yours is real. Carry on, pilgrim!

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Great Scott, it’s hotter than Heather Locklear in 1984 out here.  ~Bill Shatner, Summer 2022

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Message for the Highbreds: I enjoy sparklers and pie and I laugh in Haiku. How about you? Aren’t you curious what everyone is saying? Call me on the burner, byyyyyyye  #notrace

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I’m glad we only live once because I can’t do this shit again.   – Dodi B.

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 48 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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