Missed Connections: JULY 2022

Hunted like delicious truffles and plucked with gusto from the loamy wilds of local social media by the good Dr. Karl.

*    *     *     *     *

CANCER “Crabs” (June 21 – July 22) Like the affliction for which the sign is named, Cancers are real pains in the crotch. Clingy, emotional, agoraphobic. A world-class moper with zero ambition who’ll keep you on the phone forever even when you have to work the next day. If Cancers love one thing more than wasting your time, it’s spending your money. And then they’ll take your car without asking and let some asshole they just met at the gym spill his smoothie all over your back seat – NOT COOL, Joyce! #cancerssuck

*    *     *     *     *

To the lady who flicked a bug off my ear while we were waiting for the J bus on Chelten Ave: sorry I didn’t believe you at first, but I was mad cause it hurt a lot! Your fingers are really strong! I’m glad that guy had been recording, you’re right it was a massive bug, that’s why I ran away screaming when he showed me the footage. Sorry for stomping your foot in my hurry, I didn’t mean it.  ~ Knud the Not So Brave

*    *     *     *     *

Don’t give up on us, Sahara!! We’re SO CLOSE to living the dream! This time, we’ll build a bigger yurt, and take better bear precautions. You’ll see! One more weekend, that’s all we’re asking. Love, The Commune

*    *     *     *     *

GLOW FOR IT – Philly’s Chinese Lantern Festival illuminates Franklin Square with dozens of massive, intricate, handcrafted lanterns made by artisans from China. Every night, the park comes alive with thousands of twinkling LEDs. Live cultural performances, dining and shopping, Dragon Beer garden, more. 6pm – 11pm daily thru Aug 7 / $12 – $20 via Historicphiladelphia.org

*    *     *     *     *

Ode to Omer: You are my constant, my fixed point. The only sure thing in my life. And you constantly annoy the daylights out of me, you constantly leave dirty dishes in the sink, constantly leave your socks all over the place, constantly keep me awake with your snoring. And constantly surprise me with how incorrigibly lovable you are.  ~ Badia

*    *     *     *     *

Russian-born con artist and fraudster, posing as a wealthy German heiress seeks close knit group of dimwits to scam with absolute abandon. Ask for Helga.

*    *     *     *     *

There are no persons capable of stooping so low as those who desire to rise in the world.Lady Marguerite Blessington, Irish writer (1789 – 1849)

*    *     *     *     *

WANTED: Someone to hand-feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange. No weirdos.  – Stacy

*    *     *     *     *

Hey, It’s Tex here. Just thought I’d stop in and let y’all know that I have a few spots available on my East Coast Lovers list, but you better reserve your spot pronto. These slots are filling up fast, Gals. Hit Me, It’s Tex (I JUST said that)

*    *     *     *     *

Forget Hot Girl Summer – we’re doing Golden Girls Summer, where you rent a beach house with a group of girlfriends and spend your days in spectacular muumuus, tackling each other’s problems with sassy one-liners and late-night cheesecake binges. #whoswithme

Find The Octopus! Hello, it’s Dr. Karl with a game this month. I have hidden an octopus somewhere in the pages of this month’s Local newspaper. When you see it, post a screenshot with the hashtag #iseetheoctopus, @ReviveLocalPaper (IG/FB). Chance to win fabulous prizes to be revealed in September’s Local newspaper.

*    *     *     *     *

Open invitation: Poetic, artistic, tastefully appointed Roman-style orgies at my crib every Tuesday afternoon, noon to 4:30pm. Password is “Et tu, Brute?”. Be there. I will. ~ King Hede of Gtown

*    *     *     *     *

Clever Crop-Duster Elegantly weaving around me at the train station, behind you trailed what I can only assume was an invisible aerosol sewer. You probably thought – incorrectly – that you could conceal your thunderous claps in the rush hour ruckus. I’m not here to out you, ma’am, just to say… kudos!  – Cass  #yoquierotacobell

*    *     *     *     *

The highest result of education is tolerance.  – Helen Keller, human rights activist (1880 – 1968)

*    *     *     *     *

GUITARS: Buy Sell Trade all kinds of music gear plus vinyl records, vintage instruments and miscellaneous musical memorabilia. July 23 & 24 / Gr. Phila Expo Center / bee3vintage.com (2 day pass $15, under 12 free).

*    *     *     *     *

Smells Like Burning Hair and Electricity  — Marsh, when you told me you’d also been hit by lightening in the last big storm, I thought you were joking until you described the very distinct full-body shock and the unforgettable odor of farty smoke with a metal-y tingle. What are the odds we’d find ourselves in the same Fishtown bar? What could this mean? Hmu if you want to find out. ~ Lil Jumpin Bean

*    *     *     *     *

Does anyone remember the Silver Streaker – that famous streaker from the 70’s with all that grey hair…? He must be in his 90’s now. Anyway, I heard he was living in Chestnut Hill and still streakin’ every chance he gets (athough I think at this point people are more or less humoring him). If someone could connect us that’d be great.  ~ Mr. Kendrick from the papers

*    *     *     *     *

[This posting has been removed.]
Moderators have determined this Missed Connection violates reasonable standards for nudity, language, smoking, questionable tax advice, and criminal fashion choices. We can’t in good conscience allow you to see it but if you really really want to you can click here. (Don’t say we didn’t warn you.)

*    *     *     *     *

If it was about babies, we’d have free & excellent maternal care for everyone. You wouldn’t be charged a cent for giving birth, no matter how complicated your delivery was. If it was about babies, we’d be guaranteed sufficient parental leave. If it was about babies, diapers and formula would be subsidized, along with childcare and preschool. #hypocrites

*    *     *     *     *

Laura, you had me at pumpernickel – and that’s no baloney! No matter how you slice it, you’re my jam so dill with it.  ~Jewish Wry

BLOB FEST 2022!! It’s 3 days of campy fun in Phoenixville, a small town about 30 minutes up the Schuylkill Expressway, where the classic 1950’s horror movie The Blob was filmed. Screenings, costumes, street fair, and, of course, a public reenactment, where everyone’s invited to play screaming townspeople. July 8 – 10, full list of events at  thecolonialtheatre.com

*    *     *     *     *

Question for the Fallsers:  I’m going to have a lot of liquid ketamine here in the future and I was wondering if I could possibly make brownies with it either before (as a liquid) or after I break it down into powder? I mean, “asking for a friend”.  ~ Jeffers Jay

*    *     *     *     *

Good sir who smells like far away! My human appears to like you but I am not so sure myself. Fyi I may look harmless but everyone sleeps, even you. ~ Snowball

*    *     *     *     *

Trinna!  If I knew what you meant, I wouldn’t be asking you what you meant, would I? So. For the 11th time, will you please tell me what you’re talking about? And why it’s all my fault? I officially want to know. Thanks! Leah  #useyourwords

*    *     *     *     *

This is for Tess, I can’t believe I’m doing this but all these years of making fun of Missed Connections, I never expected to see one about me. Wow what you said was really sweet. I have a girlfriend though but definitely stop by the bar I will hook you up.  – Jason aka Kissy Lips, June 2022

*    *     *     *     *

Super Long Shot but in the off chance the very cute brunette in the orange halter top happens to see this: you were with another girl, finishing up hill repeats in the Mother/Monster section of the Wissahickon, just off Bells Mill. As I was riding by on my MTB, you called out to me – twice! – and I did the wave thing but kept pedaling. I should’ve stopped but I didn’t want to be “that dude.” But now thinking back maybe you wanted to chat? Holler if you see me on the trail again, I won’t pass you by again.  – Neil (Cannondale)

*    *     *     *     *

A scholar is just a library’s way of making another library.Daniel Dennett, philosopher, writer, and professor (b. 28 Mar 1942)

*    *     *     *     *

Twilight Tours of Eastern State Penitentiary – what a way to celebrate your freedom! Go from Al Capone’s cell to The Fair Chance Beer Garden, on the grounds of the prison’s old baseball diamond.  Thurs – Sun, tix online at easternstate.org (or a little more at the door). Proceeds fund this incredibly atmospheric local landmark. Sustainable fashion popup every Thurs! Now thru Sept 4.

*    *     *     *     *

Anonymous, addicted, Viagra-popping, chain-smoking Monarch in town for one month. One month only. I’m low maintenance. Come-n-get it, boys. Shhhhhh.  ~Man in the Can

*    *     *     *     *

Taco Fest at Xfinity Live (July 30-31) – Featuring 75+ styles of tacos plus margaritas, nacho/churro bars, karaoke, live music, eating contests, and more. $20 entry, incl 1 drink. Proceeds benefit The Trauma Survivors Foundation. Tacofests.com

*    *     *     *     *

LEFTOVERS  A groaning board of gaping, aching loss. Every aspect of my life now congealed in thickest doubt. No. I won’t clean up your mess, in fact I’d freeze it if I could — save it and thaw it out together again when we’re ready to tuck back in.   ~ Drue

*    *     *     *     *

It’s So Weird how children are too young to know anything about their own gender or orientation but old enough to understand eternal conscious torment and substitutionary atonement, and to make a lifelong permanent commitment to Christianity. Someone should look into that.  – Sister P

*    *     *     *     *

Yo I just realized being a straight woman is wild because we have to date our only natural predator. Weird, right? In a related note, does anyone know a sure-fire way to turn gay? ~ Suze

*    *     *     *     *

Honestly, Harmony? Comfort food makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I’m in grave danger in Safe Spaces. I swear I’m wide awake when I sleep. Hugs? More like straight jackets. So, get the hell away from me. ~I Said Stay Back

Hey everyone, when I’m not letting my dog poop on your lawns, I’m pirating your porch! Oh yeah and my cat puts those dead mice and rats by your back door. I’m the one hosting wild loud parties and driving the noisy car (and bikes) through your streets. For fun, I set off fireworks and move your trashcans around. I never know where the helicopters are coming from but I’m always game to wildly speculate. See ya on Nextdoor!  PS  There’s a black and white cat around here that may or may not have an owner, just sayin.   ~ Name Withheld

*    *     *     *     *

Trains, Trains — The Great American Train & Toy Show comes to town July 16 & 17 with hundreds of vendors, huge exhibits, kids activities, and more. Fun for families, hobbyists, modelers, and curiosity seekers. The country’s BEST train show! Greater Phila Expo Center at Oaks (10am – 4pm) trainshow.com for tix & info

*    *     *     *     *

MJ: I think you had an immaculate pre-conception of me. I’m not some super-thing on a pedestal. I’m not a trophy. I’m just me. Get it?  ~Gabe

*    *     *     *     *

ATTENTION: 4th of JULY IS CANCELLED DUE TO A SHORTAGE OF INDEPENDENCE. #resist ☹💔✊

*    *     *     *     *

GOOD TIMES ROLLIN’ at the Dilworth Park retro roller rink, now thru July 17. BYO skates or rent a pair for $5. On-site beer garden sets you up for success. Hell yeah, we want to see you go backwards! Sun – Thurs 11am – 8:45pm, Fri & Sat 11am – 11:15pm. $10 (half off weekdays before 5pm). Rothmanrink.ticketsocket.com

*    *     *     *     *

Sorry Miss Tish, I think we all said some things we didn’t mean. FYI, I do not eat any casserole with “surprise” in the name (and I think that’s a good rule) however next time I will keep my comments to myself.  ~ your roommate Lady Gray

*    *     *     *     *

East Falls Community Cleaners seeks to improve public restrooms in the neighborhood’s business corridor. ALL VOLUNTEER teams forming now to scrub toilets & mop floors; must have own transportation and no chemical sensitivities. Do your part!  #EFCC #pottiesofprivilege

*    *     *     *     *

What’s up with all these crab places that have popped up recently? Almost like fast food joints? Anyone else notice? Or is it me? #hmmm

*    *     *     *     *

Orbiting Earth in the spaceship, I saw how beautiful our planet is. People, let us preserve and increase this beauty, not destroy it!Yuri Gagarin, first human in space (1934-1968)

*    *     *     *     *

The Local at Eakins Oval! Come enjoy the city’s biggest outdoor beer garden at the foot of Philly’s beautiful art museum. Ride the world’s largest mobile Ferris wheel – ideally before you hit the beer garden. Sound stage, mini golf, games & kids activities, too.  Open Weds – Sun thru Aug 21, for hours: theovalphl.org

*    *     *     *     *

SUN KISSED My proprietary homemade tanning balm contains rum, lemon & fresh coconut pulp in an MCT oil base (it’s a keto tan). With a series of pulleys, ropes, mirrors and tin foil, I maximize my sun exposure daily to brown my skin to a crispy, nut-colored pelt. Bleached hair and teeth? You know it. Come and get some.  ~ Juicee

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

Click Here for Last Month’s Missed Connections! 

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 44 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.