Fallen from the sky into unaware hands and salt-rubbed to perfection by the tears of Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen.
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GEMINI “The Twins” (May 21 – June 21) Famously the most interesting and volatile sign of the zodiac, Gemini is like two brains coming at you at once, attached to a great big mouth. Their vast intelligence and communication skills would be dangerous if they weren’t so indifferent and easy to distract. In personal matters, Geminis are whirling dervishes of mixed emotions encased in shiny, smart-ass shells. This highly-social sign is all about parties, gossip, morbid curiosity, and exhibitionism. For fun, Geminis enjoy debunking myths, upsetting apple carts, and onanism.
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Jacinda, it came to me on our last trip to Rome: we’ll never work, darly. You’re so Baroque and my best life – when I’m allowed to live it – is Neoclassical. Please take Mother’s Flora Danica when you leave, and all her golden cherubs and shit. Dean will see you out. ~Blair
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Forever wondering if I’m truly far left or if I’m just an empathetic person living in a late capitalist hellscape where I get called a commie for saying “hey maybe poor people don’t deserve to starve?” #demexit
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Attractive, separated woman, 34, seeks senior gentleman for coffee, museums, movies and also to pose as my estranged husband for a series of signatures required that will allow me to move forward with my life after his thoughtless vanishing. Serious inquiries only. No cops. ~ Mrs. Harridan
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I am the Lady of the Lurk. Much less cachet than being “Lady of the Lake”, but I like to think I put my own spin on it, the lurking. For instance, most other lurkers prefer darkness but not me. I lurk in broad daylight, right under your nose. ~ Vivien
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All wheedling aside, Aaron, you’re a one-of-a-kind. My kind. And you always have kind. Connection Not Missed. Love you Pumpkin Lips. ~Greenie2
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We have deluded ourselves into believing the myth that capitalism grew and prospered out of the Protestant ethic of hard work and sacrifice. The fact is that capitalism was built on the exploitation and suffering of Black slaves and continues to thrive on the exploitation of the poor – both black and white, here and abroad. – Martin Luther King, Jr.
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I’m a bookworm with a fondness for debauchery, a tenured professor at Dumb Luck University. Artistic and autistic, of sound mind and body. Datable? That’s debatable, and not for me to say. ~ Loria PS Ask me about my possum tattoo.
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The pool at Gypsy Lane Condos is a rip-off! It’s never open even when it’s HOT! The office blames the lifeguards but what they really need to do is fuck the lifeguards and let us swim at our own risk. If you drown, that’s on you. Happy Summer. ~Anita B. with the unsanctioned wreath on her door #comeandgetit
READERS! Don’t let a rat infestation leave you uninspired. My book will teach you how to train any rat to perform helpful tasks like tidying up, answering doors and spying on neighbors. You can eat them too! Just $10 includes color illustrations and recipes. @RandallTheRatman
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ARACHNO 4 U — Wow. When you stood on your hind legs, I was consumed by your ample thorax and sinuous forelegs. I glided across the room to gaze into your compound eye. As I approached, I felt the searing pain produced by your stinger, which you had just lodged into me. Shocked & surprised, I stumbled back to my seat, paralyzed by pain and blindsided by your brazen attack. Pretty sure we got off on the wrong tarsus. Let’s start over. Why don’t you drop by my place tonight, you can’t miss it. It’s huge, white and circular. And sticky. Just come on in, no need to knock. I’ll be with you in a minute or so to wrap you in a cozy white blanket. ~Boris, the Spider
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Sorry, Brad, I don’t watch tiktoks, I watch Instagram reels of tiktok videos on Facebook, thank you. Like a GROWN UP!!!
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John! I’m so glad we ran into each other at Rolling Thunder Skate Center, although I do wish I hadn’t been going so fast at the time of our collision. Or carrying so much food. Just wanted to clarify that my offer to “rub the mustard out of your pants” was not a euphemism for anything licentious. Thank you. ~ Miss Club Soda
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MAGIC LANTERN Here’s my three, in no particular order: I wish pets lived longer & life wasn’t so expensive & dessert didn’t make you fat. What happens now? Thanks! ~Amy
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WAY TO GO, BUTCH! Mother’s Day was a real treat, being left alone with two of your brats while you take my fourteen-year-old for a tour of Philadelphia’s seediest strip clubs. Only in your demented head is leering at rando clammos an appropriate way to celebrate motherhood. It’s like you’re trying to piss me off. ~Honey
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Only the US will force you to give birth while forcing you to pay tens of thousands of dollars to give birth while not letting you have time off to give birth. And a hearty “fuck you” to everyone who told me I was over-reacting in November 2016. #andhereweare
Politically, the weakness of the argument has always been that those who choose the lesser evil forget very quickly that they chose evil. – Hannah Arendt Political theorist (1906 – 1975)
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ADVICE: Never fight until you have to. But when it’s time to fight, you fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark. And, brother, it’s starting to rain. #getsome
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Must Love Cats! Not just my cats, but cats in general and everything they represent. I need a partner who admires cats, and aspires to be like them. I will also need references from cats you’ve known, who can vouch for your character and grooming. PS I’m vegan so no mousers, please. ~ Audrey Ailurophile
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HISTORIC RITTENHOUSE TOWN FAIR!
Saturday June 25 11am – 4pm
Come celebrate the Village that Paper Making Made with hands-on activities for all ages plus crafts, vendors, local food and libations. 208 Lincoln Drive (at Wissahickon Ave). rittenhousetown.org
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WANTED FOR FILMSHOOT Body-positive individuals with yoga experience needed to participate in the next “Sensual Stretching with Dagmar” video, being filmed this summer in McMichael Park. Some light impact and tasteful nudity required. @LadyDLish
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In the small matters trust the mind, in the large ones the heart. -Sigmund Freud, neurologist, founder of psychoanalysis (1856-1939)
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SUPER CRAFT-TASTIC Expo in Valley Forge, WOW!!! Fashion and textiles of all kinds. Hand-made homewares including lighting, furniture, and table settings. Decorative arts: metalwork, stained glass, ceramics, more. Vendors, classes, demonstrations. Something for everyone from hobbyist to industry professionals. JUNE 10 – 12, tix from $20. thegreatamericancraftexpo.com
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Okay Carmen, what I need is a situationship: nothing too serious but exclusive all the same. I wish I had more time but I don’t so this is all I can offer. Better than nothing? ~ Mr. Meanwhile
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Hey, Bill, me and the kids are wondering: where are you sticking the syringe of novocaine you use to be so numb inside? Your black heart? Your spineless back? Your shit for brains? I’m truly stunned, how you can cause such pain and yet remain so aloof from it. #yourloss ~ Ms. Momma
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If you ever feel powerless, remember that a single one of your public hairs can shut down an entire restaurant. #ewgross
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Public Notice: Whereas the citizens of the East Falls neighborhood in the City of Philadelphia hereby bestow the honorary title of POOP CZAR to the retired woman who has been spearing errant canine turds with little profanity-laden signs on toothpicks. Whereas no one really asked her, and her actions are pretty useless. Whereas we are highly amused, regardless. #FallsersgonnaFallser #asseenonskiddo
Hey Jalen you know that feeling when you pop open a new bottle of wine at the end of a hard day, and you really enjoy it but then the next day, just looking at the empty bottle makes you feel sad and a little disappointed in yourself? Is this how you feel about me? I know what you say but your actions are telling me otherwise. Be honest now, you started this. ~Katanna
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BLEED FOR YOUR BLOCK As Philadelphia gears up for a hot summer, local blood banks rush to stockpile life-saving plasma. Register now for WMMR’s 17th Annual Blood Drive from 7am to 7pm Friday June 24. Registration required: phillyexpocenter.com Free T-Shirts & Swag!!!
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Winter is Coming! Call us for a FREE heat evaluation. We’ll crank your system for a full 72 hours with our patented “thermal surge” analysis for optimized readings. Then we’ll get your heat back down to a consistent and comfortable 85 degrees in every room. Don’t wait! Call The Leak Quack, I know what I’m doing!
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Confession: sometimes I pretend to be a hot girl on tinder and make my roommate think he’s getting lucky so he’ll clean the apartment. (name withheld)
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Hi Max, it’s Daryl. We’re sitting at the bar together on a very awkward first date at Murphy’s. So far you’ve just been talking and talking, and I don’t think I’ve said three words. No wait, I’ve said four: “These wings are undercooked” (and yet you keep eating them). Anyway, at this point in our evening I’m just waiting for my chance to sneak out the door. If you see this later, that’s where I went, and why.
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She matched her Crocs to her skintone exactly, so that from a distance her feet appeared bare and comically gigantic. Waiting in line outside Delassandro’s steak shop, I was captivated as she bounced gently in place on the lightweight Croslite foam. “Take a picture, it lasts longer” she said, but when I did her boyfriend made me delete it. #sigh
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Just a reminder that if you get an abortion literally just because you want to and not because of medical or life issues, like you genuinely just don’t want a kid, then that’s ok and the government shouldn’t take that right away from us. #forcedbirthisfuckedup
I’m Not Crazy, You Are! Our sources have tracked down a secret gazpacho unit spying on members of Congress from the Eastern Falls part of the City, where antifa has been voting secretly for months. Duh! This is Marjorlie Taylor Greene and I improve this Missed Connection!
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Wedding Tip for Newlyweds: send a wedding invitation to every billionaire whose address you can find because there’s a good chance their assistants will just send you a perfunctory gift without ever wondering who the hell you are. #yourewelcome
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Time for TOO MANY GAMES – June 24 – 26 at the Greater Philadelphia Expo Center. Experience Pennsylvania’s longest-running video and board game convention. All gamers welcome for an extravaganza of fun: speakers, demos, tournaments, marketplace, cosplay, concerts and so much more. Tix from $35 toomanygames.com
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Sure, well, yes. There is that one little matter. You mustn’t feel odd riding around town in my ornate horse-drawn coach. It’s my only means of transportation, inherited of course from my first husband, a titled heir in the Luxembourg sovereignty. My last 6 husbands and previous 9 lovers never seemed to take to it, though, and furthermore often ridiculed me for requiring such elaborate conveyance. As if my powdered wigs and petticoats could squeeze into any old Uber or god forbid a subway car. Please leave your response with Hugo at the gatehouse. ~Lucy
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Once a Geek…. Hey gang, it’s me Jo-Jo! I ran away from the circus to join the Certified Public Accountants. So that explains why I’ve been away. But I’m back, everyone! Back! #gobblegobble
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A Word on Shark Attacks: If you are bitten by a shark this summer, bite it back. You’ll still probably die but the shark will be like “lol what”
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English is hard when it’s not your mother tongue. For instance, there is one silent K in “knight”, two silent Ks in “knickknack” and three silent Ks in “Republican.” #killers #liars #insurgents
We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!
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