Coaxed from webby corners; cleansed, categorized, and caressed with care by Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen
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TAURUS (April 19 – May 20) Taureans are considered to be the anchor of the zodiac, because their energy is so “fixed” and because of the “sinking” feeling they give the rest of us when they’re around. No one is more stubborn than a Bull, or more resistant to change – yet strangely game to try the Molly you found in a box of old college mementos. Taurus is a homebody, with a big heart for family and, often, polyamory; they’ve impeccable aesthetic with corresponding hauteur. Novices are cautioned against asking a Taurus’s honest opinion, which has been known to cause actual skin burns in some cases. A Taurus’s favorite form of exercise is a nap.
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Hey Smokey (you know who you are)! Please stop with the firepit that stinks up the whole neighborhood. I’m not trying to be rude but not everyone wants to smell like a campfire every time they step outside at night just because you’re a patio pyromaniac. You think this is Willow Grove?! West Chester? You’re in a ROW HOUSE, dipshit, please consider your neighbors. You see any other yards smoking? No you don’t, because we have courtesy for each other. Please take notes. ~ Miss Laura with the green shutters
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SO HOPPY IT’S HERE! The NE Bunfest is a celebration of all things rabbit. Dozens of vendors and rescues, with amazing items to spoil your house rabbit (or yourself). Educational talks and petting opportunities. Games & activities for the whole family. SAT MAY 14 (10AM – 4PM) at the Gr. Phila Expo Center. Tix $10 for Luv n Bunns Rabbit Rescue via EventBrite.
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Alan, I didn’t finish talking about myself last night. I’m into cataloging birds I see and shopping for CocaCola collectibles. I eat my weight in gummie bears at least every 3 months – the doctors say I’m a medical miracle! According to my driver’s license, I’m 5’4” (but I’ll admit here I was standing on tip-toe). I hope this doesn’t sound sudden but I would be honored to be your wife if you asked. ~Brenda
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The rain begins with a single drop. – Mana al-Sharif, human rights activist (b. Apr 25, 1979)
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Wooooo!!! Thank you to Liam the Lyft Driver – he gave me this number to call if I ever need Batman. I don’t need Batman yet, I’m just testing. Hello? Batman? I don’t think you’re him, I think Liam lied about having Batman’s number to lure me out of his Kia Sedona even though the world is melting in rainbow drips that are HILARIOUS! Liam is downstairs with my wife, who he calls “Nana”, and they are going crazy wondering where I got the shrooms. I’ll never tell. ~ Grandpop Vic
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The SDN team is excited to announce our current study: Social Processing Over Time, or SPOT! We are looking for adolescents 11-15 years old to complete a study with up to two visits to Temple University. If you or any of your family or friends might be interested in participating, please contact the lab directly at (215) 204-2544 or email sdnlab@temple.edu. Thank you all! ~Anna PS You can also fill out the pre-screener survey here.
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Cheryl — I knew the psychic was a bad idea! I’m not surprised she sees no future for us, not after your special private 2 ½ HOUR reading. With just the two of you. Alone in that room with all the musky incense going. Macrame isn’t sound proof, you know, I could hear behind the curtain. I don’t have to be psychic to know what was going on. We need to talk. ~ Your Husband
3-DAY JOB FAIR Monday May 16 to Weds May 18 (11am – 4pm) Dave & Busters in Plymouth Meeting is hiring for all positions: servers, bartenders, line cooks – much more! Come out to hear more about our competitive pay, great benefits, and career opportunities. 500 W Germantown Pike, Suite 2195, Plymouth Meeting 19462 (for more info, call 610-832-9207).
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Look Alert, neighbors, we’re heading into Porch Pirate season again, let’s watch out for each other’s packages. Some asshat just stole a box of maternity shirts right off my stoop this morning. Btw, if you see a guy running around in a hot pink stretchy belly top, lemme know. ~Anja B.
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Keith, in my process of dealing with our breakup, I had a happy memory from one of our first dates. Who’s idea was it to swap hobbies? We split the day: the morning we took a yoga class, and then that afternoon you taught me how to skeet shoot. What a perfect day of sharing and discovery. I still can’t believe what a slimeball you turned out to be. Screw you. ~Lucinda
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FOSTERING SAVES LIVES! All expenses paid, you just provide TLC and a short-term home. Get matched with a foster animal today, email foster@phillypaws.org.
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I just want to say that the blond guy sitting on the couch at Union Tap all Friday night had the most kissable lips I’ve ever seen, on a guy. I asked you if you knew where the Ladies was twice, just to watch you pronounce the word, “No.” Hoping my next question, I’ll hear “Yes.” ~Tess
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Hey Everyone! Our community theater company is putting on Clue over in Manayunk May 13, 14 & 15 at the Venice Island Performing Arts Center. This is a great show with a lot of wonderful people, based on the board game & classic comedy. Please come out and have a fun night – or day – out! Tix $15 – $18 online or at the door.
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Dentist the Menace! Feels like I’ve been roughly rinsed and unceremoniously spat out into a blinding vortex, like so much stale mouthwash down the drain. What do I miss most? The long afternoons we’d spend, dancing to Phish in your empty office, taking bigger and bigger rips of laughing gas till I was so high I’d almost pee myself. Ladies, look out for this unlikely charmer! He’ll yank your heart out like a rotten bicuspid. ~ Gums McGee (Roxborough)
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Promise, I am not a bot. I am real persons. I like algorithms and solving highly complex mathematical problems; I track human movements/behaviors distinct from other life forms. My hobbies include voice recognition scrambles and making humans enter and re-enter new passwords. Trust me, I am no more AI. There is alive being. Hello! I am here! What is happy? What is love? ~V-GerR82
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We are excited to host Eid at the People’s Lot in Germantown! Monday, May 2 (1pm – 8pm) Welcome all who wish to share good food together in the spirit of community, care and respect. Located behind Uncle Bobbie’s on Church Ln. Please donate food or drinks if you are able. Dietary restrictions? Please let us know how to serve you. @Ourchive215 on IG.
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You thought it was gonna be another friendly game of Slapjack, didn’t you, Ben? I admit, I got a little out of hand but I think a lot of that wouldn’t have happened if your trash talk hadn’t egged me on. And admit it, some of that was kinda fun. Still, I’m sorry for flipping the table and throwing your keys in a puddle. Please come back, I’d like to think we’re still fixable. ~ Cutthroat Annie
SUNDAY FUNDAYS at Awbury Farm & Arboretum, now thru October 30th (1pm – 4pm). Goats! Chickens! Farm stand and artisan market! Freshly prepared foods and family-friendly activities. 6336 Ardleigh St. All restrooms, drinking water, picnic tables and pathways are accessible. Awbury.org
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Ladies! Now that Spring is upon us, it’s time to spruce up our nooks and crannies that maybe haven’t had a lot of attention, with everything bundled under layers all winter. You know, the feminine “topography” (pubis) could probably use some upkeep. Hi, I’m Joyce Ferguson, local mom and youtuber. I’m also an inventor with a great new product in its final stages of production. The Monscaper 5000 ™ instantly fluffs and shapes all textures, with a variety of styles to suit all tastes: heart, clover, arrow, smiley face, lightning bolt, and more (including The Kojak and The Angela Davis). Try It FREE! I need 25 neighbors to help me test, if you’re interested reach out via this page and I’ll deliver one to your doorstep in exchange for your unbiased review (a $49.99 value!). Thanks!
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AMAZE FRIENDS & FAMILY! Magic, instant self-portrait art. Just hang this pre-framed masterpiece on the wall, step in front of it and instantly enjoy a 100% accurate portrait of yourself. It creates a new likeness of you every time you’re in front of it! Creates portraits of visiting houseguests and pets as well! No batteries or electricity needed. Choice of shapes & sizes. Futuristic technology for as low as $69.99 (payable in installments) See my booth at the McMichael Park Flea Market, JUNE 4 (8am – 5pm) ~Mr.Mirror
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The tax which will be paid for the purpose of education is not more than the thousandth part of what will be paid to kings, priests and nobles who will rise up among us if we leave the people in ignorance. – Thomas Jefferson, American president, author, statesman, and slaveowner
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Hi, all! Please come help us paint the Pastorius community garden at E. Pastorius St & Germantown Ave. May 14 (9am – 1pm). We’ll be supplying coffee, donuts, great tunes and positive energy! Helpers are also automatically on the guest list for the season’s first community event on May 28th. Tell ‘em Dori sent ya!
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CAUTION! A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget’s Thesaurus spilled its load on a tight corner in Wayne Junction. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, bewildered, dazed, surprised, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, confounded, astonished and numbed. #justlaugh
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🎭🍺 FREE COMEDY! Twice a month at Attic Brewery on random Tuesdays/Thursdays — follow @atticbrewing for schedule. Taps and food trucks open at 4pm, showtime at 8pm Get here early, the place fills up. Free Entry. 137 Berkley St.
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Well Get a Load of You! Being kind of awake and stuff. You’re reading words and probably aren’t even stabbing anyone right now. You deserve a coffee, you magnificent little sunbeam, you! @germantownspro
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Allens Lane Art Center – Children’s Theater returns this May for “Build a Show,” a creative and interactive storytelling event for kids of all ages. This pay-what-you-wish event is our last production of the 2021 – 22 season. I hope you take the chance to build a wonderful show with us! SAT MAY 21 @ 11am / 601 W. Allens Lane (at McCallum).
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It’s a Natural Process, Phil. For example, every day, our colons contract three different ways to mix, knead and ultimately eject poop. Different muscular, neural and chemical factors influence the occurrence, timing and frequency. Anyway, the way I see it: I mixed with you, kneaded you, and now I’m ready! This is me, ejecting you. Like the turd you are. Flushing hard! ~ Lou-Anne PS sorry if this is a weird way to break up
Give Great Head with your best Kentucky Derby hat at Ebenezer Maxwell Mansion’s fabulous theme party. Enjoy mint juleps, tea sandwiches, praline-bacon brownies. Fun & entertainment. Prizes for “Best Hat,” “Best Outfit” and “Most Creative.” SAT MAY 7 (4:30pm – 7:30pm) $50/tix Reserve now at ebenezermaxwellmansion.org.
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To My Weekend Hookup: I thought you were The One, I did. The first 36 hours we spent together were magical, and I meant everything I said. However! I don’t know where you learned to eat hot wings but that was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen, I didn’t even know the human mouth could do that. Chills! (And not the good kind.) Please steer clear and if our paths cross let’s pretend we’ve never met. <vomit sounds> ~Big Kulture
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CAN’T ADOPT or FOSTER? You can still make a difference in a dog’s life. Today at ACCT Philly, many dogs sit in kennels for 2 – 3 days, because there aren’t enough volunteers to walk them. ☹ ACCT is desperate for help, commitment is totally on you: 1 hour a day, week, month, year – whatever! Come as often as you like, every visit brightens an abandoned dog’s day. To get started, email volunteer@acctphilly.org for info on the next orientation. 🙏🙏🙏
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“You only got one family” he said, and I was like Yeah well I only got one appendix, too, and if it gets toxic I’ll cut that bitch outta my life in a second. #please
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Mwaaahaaahaaaa It’s the MARKET OF THE MACABRE at Laurel Hill Cemetery. The most eclectic selection of unusual gothic antiques and vintage oddities plus remarkable artwork, crafts and more. SAT MAY 21 (12 – 5PM) / 3822 Ridge Ave (Rain Date Sun May 22nd) $5 cash entry, benefits upkeep of this National Landmark and horticultural treasure. Marketofthemacabre.org
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Best Summertime Songs that remind you of Philly in no particular order, go: “The Light” (Common), Summertime (Will Smith), “Feels Like Summer” (Childish Gambino), “I’m On Freestyle” (Quilly Millz), “Getting’ It In” (Meek Mill), “Where I’m From” (The Bul Bey), “Flipside” (Freeway), “My Part of Town” (Tuff Crew), “Before I Let Go” (Maze)
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They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, but they were wrong. So far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they’re really lovely. #wayhomer @Dadsaysjokes
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This Is True: Creative people need time to sit around and do nothing. They need to hear the world’s heartbeat. They need space to feel, think and be – so they can contribute their unique perspectives toward enriching our communities. We need to be patient, and allow innovation and creativity to develop organically for all our benefit. #havefaithinhumans
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Who’s Got Talent? The Starpower Family could not be more excited to present 2022’s Regional Dance Tour at the Greater Philadelphia Expo Center, May 6, 7 & 8th Welcome all to a dazzling display of the country’s best performers in all categories & age groups. 80+ creative and energy-packed competitions: solos, duets, groups, lines etc plus awards for costumes, entertainment, high scores and more. starpowertalent.com
You Know Who’s Also Got Talent? Beyond the Stars is the most professional and best organized dance competition and convention in the industry! We promise we will never change, our dancers always come first. Come see at the Greater Philadelphia Expo Center, May 13, 14 & 15 Incredible dancing! Amazing Experiences! Unforgettable memories! Btscomp.com
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Parents, if you want to know what’s happening in your child’s classroom, I suggest a trip to the school and a dialogue with your child’s teacher. I would not recommend listening to state lawmakers trying to scare you to win elections. ~ Pam D.
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To the person who stole my Chewy package off my porch – I’ll have you know as an ironworker I bust my butt day in & out in extremely dangerous conditions. My dog is everything to me, and he has incredibly severe allergies, so his food is medical-grade and very expensive. THANKS, JERK! You just stole 4 hours of back-breaking labor. I hope you’re happy, and that somehow this energy comes back and bites you in the ass. – Robbie
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I guess you’d call me “middle age” but I don’t seem to carry all the trappings: no kids, no mortgage, no 401k. My life is simple but sweet: I sleep 8 hours, work for myself, regularly consume an assortment of nourishment, and indulge my hobbies at will. I have a vacation spot I return to every summer, and a favorite book I will talk about forever if you let me. Who’s out here, with common sensibilities? At this stage in my life, age/race/gender/etc. are irrelevant to mutual compatibility (Translation: I’m too old for this dating shit). Hit me up if you feel me. ~ Bo-Bo Mama
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This is for Nathaniel but also a question for the room. So, no, it’s technically not cheating to pay $50 to smell a neighbor’s laundry every week. And I can’t say, exactly, why this is a deal breaker for me because I do agree it’s harmless and consensual. But I know Denise, she’s my neighbor too. It feels, I don’t know, icky. Is it me? Ladies? Anyone? ~ Not So Betrothed
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Nature’s Miracle! I read somewhere that walking is a popular activity for a 1st date, which is why I suggested it in the first place, G. How was I supposed to know you’d step in dog shit? You’re acting like it’s my fault. Or that it wasn’t funny, when you lost your balance trying to scrape it off your shoe, and fell backward into another pile of poop. Btw, I didn’t have the heart to tell you that while this was happening, a pigeon crapped in your hair! Don’t look at me, this is your karma. Sorry if I’m not into a 2nd date anymore. Fecally yours, Mr. Fleet
Another thing, Freckles, my dear. I’ve been chased by a wild boar and a pack of swans – not at the same time – but still. I’ve seen it all and I’m over it. Gotta break this connection tout de suite. Just not yet. See you at our airport hotel for a proper send-off. My treat. ~Sir Ginger PS I mean it this time
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On and on and on with these things, staring at another glowing screen. Enough already. I’d rather talk, then write a novel. ~Kweekwegg #analoglife
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Sousa-Masa, I was just thinking about the Golden Era of the Pneumatic Tube, and you immediately popped to mind! Extreme suction? Extreme pressure? LOL! Haven’t seen you since Tuesday, hope nothing’s wrong with your pipes. ~Kennerberry
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For JILL S. in the W.P. — After a lifetime of rule-following, I’ve taken to wearing tennis shoes on weekdays AND I LOVE IT! The sense of freedom is marvelous, and now I’m all about new fashion challenges, baby. I suppose it was a tad forward to wear a breechcloth to Milk Bar, yet none of my other legwear suitably expressed me that day. Likewise the plaid cigarette pants I’d worn to brunch, which you also derided. My point is: I’ll never change. <jazz hands> ~ Step Ball Change
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It’s Been 2 Years – We’re Baaaaack! Thy Geekdom Con is a convention of all things geek in pop culture: Acts, Anime, Artists, Board Games, Comics, Cosplay, Crafters, Trivia, Costume Contests, Game Tournaments, Panels, Meet & Greets and more. It’s an epic weekend of fun & frivolity with something for everyone. May 27, 28 & 29 Tix for the entire weekend just $40! Greater Philly Expo Center / thygeekdomcon.com
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D, your eyes used to smile with triumph, your heart bloomed every day. Now, the garden of your soul is little more than a grey abandoned garden of weeds and dead flowers. ~S 4/22/11
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Anyone know a tall older artist guy who frequents Thunder Mug? He appears to cycle in from the SRT: white hair (thinning on top), athletic build. I’ve seen him sketching Saturday mornings, and he always wears these tight blue bike shorts that leave NOTHING to the imagination. Looks like he found a way to successfully shoplift a 13” kielbasa. Orrrrrr maybe he picked one up at the Farmers Market, and this is how he carries it home without a bag? Either way, I’m intrigued. ~Anita Momeata @springhollowfarms
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Hi! Please let me know if this isn’t allowed. We live over on Morris and we’re looking to give our love seat away to whoever wants to take it home from our 2nd floor office. It’s a pull-out sleeper from the 80’s so it weighs at least a ton but on the plus side you can keep any of the change/jewelry/silverware/etc stuck in the springs & cushions (zippered covers). Color is “harvest gold” aka “baby poop.” It’s in near-mint condition, as no one really can stand to sit or lie in it for long. Takers? Ask for Beatrice or Ernie.
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MIND YA BUSINESS at MissionInc’s NW Business Mixer WEDS MAY 25 (6pm – 8pm) Networking and resources for all business owners and non profits. 5501 Germantown Ave #bosslady @missioninc
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Message for Angelica: You were great until I noticed that your cell phone wallpaper was a photo of you in one of those “Glamour Shots” poses where you’re popping your collar and illuminated like an old Hollywood movie star. If you’re being ironic, this is genius but if not, that’s so cheesy, I can’t even. Which is it? I’m serious. ~ Marshall
We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!
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