Missed Connections: April 2022


Warning: these listings have not been sanitized for your protection (or anyone else’s). They have, however, been hand-buffed to a smooth yet rustic patina by Dr. Karl von Lichtenhollen as he binge-watched Bad Vegan last month.

*    *     *     *     *
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) The first sign of the zodiac, Aries the Ram is known to be courageous, determined and offputtingly confident. They constantly worry they’re missing out on something, and are often needlessly argumentative with sales clerks. Aries will basically eat anything on a dare. A natural born leader, Aries thrive on competition and chemical stimulants. By the time they turn 10, most Aries will have made a bet in their head with the Devil, and lost it. See you in Hell, Aries!

*    *     *     *     *
Hi, if anyone knows an “L. Harris”, we’d like to be in touch. We have a full first name, but don’t want to out them publicly. It appears this person intercepted our outgoing mail somehow (it was put in a post box, so we’re not sure how) and stole, forged, and cashed our rent check. We’re sure she’s happy. But we’d like to chat. ~ G. Rose & B. Horton in East Falls

*    *     *     *     *
Did you know…? African Grey parrots live up to 80 years and never forget their full vocabulary. That’s why, before leaving your ass, Chuck, I spent so much time with your damn bird. Now he can imitate my voice almost perfectly! I hope you enjoy the words I taught him: “loser”, “bitch,” “dickhead”, and other surprises, including a fun phrase about your tiny member. Cha cha cha! Lucky Lovely Lucie

*    *     *     *     *
Q: How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. They all use gas lighting.
*    *     *     *     *
Bless Your Heart! The more you try to stop gay from happening, the more beautifully gay the world will become. It’s right there, written in glitter in Section 1 of the Rainbow Rules, Liza edition. Y’all would know that if you followed the Gay Agenda at all.  @GeorgeTakei

*    *     *     *     *
Guys: You know it’s a bad date when you text your cop friends to show up and fake-arrest you. But I did what I had to do. Anyway if you saw me “resisting” at Longhorns the other night, that was all an act to get me out the door, and then they went back and told the dude I was a serial killer so he’d never call me again. (Ask Oscar, if you don’t believe me.)  — Suzanne
*    *     *     *     *

Melanie P: I’m not sure what else we have in common, but when I saw in your profile that you liked having fun, I felt a deep and powerful connection between us. When you added that you enjoy movies and dining out, my mind was blown. Separated at birth? Soulmates in time? I need to know more! Call me,  ~Kevin

*    *     *     *     *
CELBRATE EARTH DAY, Philly-style, with our Local List of events & activities for all ages and interests, starting Tuesday April 19 with a big Drexel block party/resource fair. PS If you know of an Earth Day event that needs some attention, follow the link and add your info in the comments section.

My appearance just sent a toddler into a full meltdown in Kohl’s. I get it: I look different. Wheelchair is big, ventilator is scary. Parents were mortified. Every time I leave the house, I’m reminded of how important it is to expose young children to disabled people. It doesn’t have to be this awkward, I’m the same as you, really I am.  ~ Connie (who just wants to shop in peace, please)
*    *     *     *     *

Help, I think my new girlfriend is in a cult. We met at the Reading Terminal market, where I thought she was wearing a milkmaid costume for work. Turns out, this is how she dresses! And instead of driving, she rides an old-fashioned kick scooter around Lancaster, where it’s like Little House on the Prairie where she lives. When I went out to meet her parents, they wanted to know how many goats I owned, and how fast I can frame a barn. ??? She’s a cutie, though, so I’m weighing my options. Anyone know if this cult is dangerous? Also is this the one with all the sisterwives?   ~ L.B. Blue
*    *     *     *     *
Radio Silence when people realize I’m not trolling, which I don’t think is possible anymore in this world where satire and irony are completely lost on whole swaths of our population. Is anyone even listening to themselves? An exercise in drawing: make an exaggerated caricature of someone/something. Often this way the pupil will actually come closer to creating an accurate depiction. So be it.  ~Professor Elmer
*    *     *     *     *
Tomorrow is National Stay At Home with Your Pet and Drink High End Spirits Day. (It’s nothing official, I just made it up) #telltheothers

*    *     *     *     *
For the last time, Uncle Bud, it’s not “nipple syrup” – it’s MAPLE Syrup. And I guess that was kinda funny maybe once as a weird aside but now it’s getting embarrassing. NO ONE at the Breakfast Boutique is amused. Quit it, or next time we’re going to Bob’s.  ~Belinda
*    *     *     *     *
As an uber driver, I am pretty unflappable but the other day I was dropping off this lady by the river where all these bridges criss-cross (off Kelly drive) but it had started to rain and she refused to get out of my car, she said she’d turn into a mermaid if she got wet. Long story short: she does not remain dry, I lose sight of her for a second – splash! She’s gone. I probably should’ve called 911 but I was just so stunned.  ~ Hank in the Silverado
*    *     *     *     *
4/30 COMMUNITY EVENT: Walpurgis Night at McMichael Park – Please join us for a traditional Old World Walpurgis Fest this April 30th, joining merrymakers across Northern/Eastern Europe who have honored this day since pagan times. St. Walpurgis is the patron saint against rabies, whooping cough and witchcraft; her feast day involves carnivals and burning witch effigies on giant bonfires. In the US, the Church of Satan considers it a solemn holiday to honor those who were victimized by superstition. Our celebration will be an inclusive blend of different customs, starting at sundown. FREE (Henry & Midvale Aves)  — Friends of Druids of McMichael Park
*    *     *     *     *
Millennial Mysteries  This question is for the young lady with the yoga mat personalized with her and her fiancé’s faces on it at (I think it’s their engagement pic): How can you practice like that? Isn’t yoga supposed to be letting go of your ego? What’s up with the personal branding? I can’t imagine it bodes well for your relationship.  ~ Miss Big Eyes

You look at American history differently when you understand the extermination of Natives and creation of the colonial world is quite literally the same thing Nazis wanted to do to Europe – only successful.  @populist_uprising

*    *     *     *     *
I just want to know why my clothes only get caught on the door handle when I’m in a bad mood. #hmmm
*    *     *     *     *
Wow. We thought it was our ability to love that made us human, but it turns out it was actually our ability to SELECT EACH IMAGE CONTAING A BOAT  #captcha

*    *     *     *     *
Canna Fest Alternative Health Expo – April 30 & May 1 (9am – 3pm)
Hundreds of PA’s top Cannabis & Alt Health professionals delivering new & exciting products. Information, advocacy, entertainment, food, vendors, free parking, more. Cannabis is one of the most misunderstood — and magical — plants on the planet, with healing properties that include restoring nutrients into depleted soil, and filtering pollutants from our environment.Come celebrate with other kind folks at the Gr. Phila Expo Center in Oaks! Cannamedshow.com

*    *     *     *     *
Oh No You Don’t! I was at Costco, watching an Indian family devour a plate of cherry cheesecake samples, leaving one left as they moved on. Just as I reached for it, you stepped forward and popped it into your mouth. “Oh, were you gonna eat that?” to which I laughed while secretly wishing I could kick you in the shins. Now this isn’t aimed at you, specifically, it’s more like a general announcement to all the sample-snatchers out here that I am not playing anymore! Next time I will body check your ass into the next aisle. ~ Delrita

*    *     *     *     *
Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.  – George Bernard Shaw

*    *     *     *     *
Reine, I hope you see this. I know I said it wasn’t a big deal that you work at the morgue, but that was before I saw all the dead people following you around. Seriously, you need a cleansing or something. Don’t take this the wrong way but keep your distance please until you lose the creepers. ~Gomez
*    *     *     *     *
The best board game that represents Capitalism isn’t Monopoly, but Jenga. Each party takes turns to make a current situation more precarious until a total collapse, where only the last person to fuck up takes any blame while everyone else is declared the winner.  #mindblown

*    *     *     *     *
Me: scrounging around for valuables in a house I didn’t belong.
You: pointing a 9mm in my face, demanding my immediate exit.
These are not usually the elements of a heart-warming story, but instead of calling the cops when I passed out, you took pity and called an ambulance. I awoke in the ER wearing what I assume must be your jacket, with Narcan in one pocket, and enough cash to put my mind at ease in the other. Just want you to know your kind act did, indeed, feed my habit one last time. Then I woke up and marched my way into rehab. Been clean 4 months. Thank you, Wayne Avenue Homeowner.

In the Pink! I knew we were The One when you agreed to help me “flamingo” my brother’s friend’s lawn at midnight last year. We’re still having a good time, I love you J!  ~Ron E.
*    *     *     *     *

Feeling Gentrifucked? Philly’s population is growing, and the need for new housing has created a development boom that’s causing widespread demolition of historic sites and neighborhood landmarks. How can our city move forward while preserving our past? Join WHYY & The Free Library at Historic Germantown for BRIDGING BLOCKS, an evening of community debate and discussion. Weds April 6 (6pm – 7:15pm) / 5503 Market Square, 19144 *Free* (registration required)

*    *     *     *     *
If I don’t drive around the park,
I’m pretty sure to make my mark.
If I’m in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again,
If I abstain from fun and such,
I’ll probably amount to much,
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
Dorothy Parker

*    *     *     *     *
To whoever was tailgating me while I was going 50mph (speed limit is like 25) down Bells Mill Rd just now, I hope you get a flat tire & spill hot coffee on yourself. ~ Emma

*    *     *     *     *
Hey Fran in front of Slices: I’m normally not the kind of person who drops everything to help a total stranger paint a nursery after his sister goes into labor weeks ahead of schedule. You were wise to ply me with edibles, I had a marvelous time. Let’s hang out again soon. ~Beth
*    *     *     *     *
Get Inspired at the Philadelphia Black Beauty Expo APR 24 at the PA Convention center. For aspiring talents & professionals alike. Featuring workshops, exhibitors, musical entertainment, and more plus hair/fashion competitions and awards.  **Open to the Public** (10AM – 6PM) $10 – $50

*    *     *     *     *
I was dropping my shade balls in the LA reservoir when it hit me: I am not a West Coast guy. I belong back in Philly, with you. I thought thousands of miles of distance would help me escape these feelings but that didn’t happen. Please take me back, Jordan Applesauce. I love you.
*    *     *     *     *
Yo, Anthony aka “ant-knee” oh but I have a hard time believing that accent was real. Likewise, your hair which looked like you might’ve shoe polished it? Who are you kidding? You’re old enough to be my dad, what are you doing in my DM’s?!!    ~Monica
*    *     *     *     *
Can we have a do-over, Ophelia? Things got weird on our first date when you started talking about your friend, Ophelia, who sounded so much like you I assumed you were talking about yourself in 3rd person – a real red flag, for me (thus, my ensuing weirdness). Come to find out you actually have a friend who is also named Ophelia – what are the odds?! I hope this helps explain why I think we should try again. I have never ceased to find you fetching.   ~Bob

Bad Kids Only! My wife and I are hosting an Evil Easter Egg Hunt in our front yard on Saturday April 16th. We’re filling the plastic eggs with dental floss, cough drops, dehydrated peas, and stale croutons. There will be one single egg with candy in it. 1 out of 298 eggs. Mwaahahahhaah ah haaaaaa ha ha ha ha….etc DM us for address. — Bill and Sylvie
*    *     *     *     *
Super Billiards Expo! Meet & mingle with the World’s top pool players and industry hot shots. Sharks: take your best shot in one of the Amateur Players Championship events, where players compete for a percentage of the show’s intake. April 18 – 24 (11am – 8pm) at the Phila Expo Center. superbillardsexpo.com

*    *     *     *     *
Marc, our one-night fling turned into a mystical experience for me, when I awoke to the sound of Tibetan throat singing. What a haunting sound. And so deeply, powerfully relaxing. Is this how you wake up every morning? I wish I’d thought to get your number, but I was in such a peaceful daze when I left it never occurred to me.  If you see this I hope you’ll reach out. Olga
*    *     *     *     *
My Dewey Decimal Darling – Oh what a summer we spent, tickling in the tattletape that year they moved the library at LaSalle. Work study was neither; nevermind all the classes we skipped that it was meant to pay for. I never think of microfiche without remembering.  ~Phillipe aka “Mr. 392.6”
*    *     *     *     *
Nadia’s Hands – homemade pierogis for your desperately-needed donations to help Ukrainian refugees fleeing Putin’s criminal war. $10 for 5 traditional potato-cheese dumplings, venmo markiyana (x6812). All proceeds go to provide whatever assistance is necessary. I live in East Falls and I have direct connections with people in my home country who can use every cent you can spare. Thank you. Slava Ukraini – Glory to Ukraine

*    *     *     *     *
MTW: I owe you an apology. I hate that it’s 40+ years late but here we are. I’m sorry I probably yanked your chain a bit and did not treat our relationship as seriously as you did. Also I let you waste a lot of money at Ground Round for what turned out to be a pitiful amount of nookie. Lmk if there’s anything I can do at this point to make it up to you. ~ DJS, class of ‘89
*    *     *     *     *
Found Drone – Hey I caught a drone peeping over my patio, if it’s yours please DM me with your address so I can bring you the broken pieces and tell you to your face not to be spying on me again.  ~Samuel in Penn Knox
*    *     *     *     *
You guys can call us GenXers “Karen” if you want but if you understood us at all, it’d be “Heather.”  #howvery
*    *     *     *     *
Orchid Freaks — You Know Who You Are: Come and Get It! Southeastern PA Orchid Society’s annual show comes to the area April 8 – 10 with a vendors offering an exciting array of beautiful species & other items for sale, plus free tours, demos & lectures. Tix $15 at the door, 20% off via sepos.org  (Phila Expo Center)

*    *     *     *     *
To whoever is pooping in the tunnel at East Falls train station every morning at 3am. You’re surprisingly regular for someone with so little fiber in their diet. Hats off! — Nadia
*    *     *     *     *
Is this weird? My missed connection is with the computer voice from the automated call system for my VISA card. He’s just so sexy, he almost sounds real –  yet, computer-y enough to indulge my robot fetish. I call to “check my balance” at least three times a day. Oh my. ~ Kendale
We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

Click Here for Last Month’s Missed Connections! 

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 41 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.