Missed Connections: March 2022

Curated and irradiated for maximum flash & distraction from the senseless trash fire on the world stage.

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PISCES (Feb 19 – Mar 20)    Pisces people are known for being intuitive, creative, and “emotionally sensitive” – a phrase we use because they’ll freak out if you call them moody. They’re also dramatic and needy af, yet surprisingly easy to get along with. They’re great listeners, and they love to see friends & family happy, especially if it means smothering them with unwanted attention. Occasionally a Pisces will redirect their nurturing tendencies toward a professional or criminal undertaking, with excellent results. As if Pisces weren’t creepy enough, they’re often psychic and able to visit people in their dreams. Pisces are almost never ticklish where you expect them to be.  @RealAstrology_PHL

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March in Philly! Mother Nature just be throwing out temperatures like Power Ball numbers: 66  40  33  58  24  13… lololol

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Yeah, I’m a bit of a thing with big Irish hair, wild as the sea; the color of flames on a cool autumn night. At the time he lived above Murphy’s Irish Saloon, the roughest and rudest roofer of the bunch. Still, he knew how to treat a lass, and warm the cockles of her heart with Mary Bergin music. I’d give every freckle I own, for a night of good craic with him again. ~Red Gretta

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Goat Walk & Watershed Talk – What is a watershed and why are they important? How does a goat drink? Fun-filled interactive outdoor program is all baby goats and water systems on the farm at Awbury. Saturday March 12 (1pm) FREE, no registration required.

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Graffiti under Henry Ave bridge: GEOLOGY ROCKS BUT GEOGRAPHY’S WHERE IT’S AT!!! (2022)

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You have to appreciate the irony. On the worst day of my life, the best thing to ever happen to me. When I’d given up on humankind, in walked the most wonderful person in the world! With all my hope for a happy future dashed, here you share your dreams with me, and make me a part of them. I just realized I may be using the term irony wrong but you get the idea, Kim.  ~GW

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Oh wow. Who could’ve predicted that Twitter accounts ending in several random numbers that have been pumping out anti-vaccine disinformation for 2 years would suddenly pivot to pro-Russian messaging? #sarcasm

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Dear Friends: if you knew me before my 20’s, you never actually knew me, sorry. You knew Season One me: we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot. 🤣

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Bear Season: a Haiku
The bear went hunting,
Nightingale on the menu —
But these birds have teeth.
~ Blue and Gold Forever

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I’m not hard to please. I just want to be cozy at home but also socialize and travel, buy all the things but also save all my money, and get super fit but also eat whatever I want and not exercise.  #girlsame

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Nope, Nancy. I’ll tell you what: I don’t go to East Falls parties. Don’t like ‘em. Never have. All the noise, booze, drugs, sex workers, loud music, carbohydrates  – not my scene. But you and Mel enjoy yourselves. Just remember to skedaddle before the fights break out (I like to plan an escape route, just in case).  ~ Your Fallser Guide Lydia

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Cinnamon jolly ranchers make me drool more than green apple ones. Now grape, that’s my real sweet spot – the flavor never over-fills my mouth with saliva, as the others do. Anyway, can anyone recommend an affordable dentist? I’m in Mt. Airy.

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To My Peers Who Have Procreated: I salute you, and your efforts to perpetuate the human race. As a childless adult, I feel it’s my duty to fully embrace hobbies and pastimes you cannot, in honor of your great sacrifice. Thank you for your service! I will vibe, chill and do fun things for you, to show respect and not rub it in one bit. God speed in your journey of parenthood!  #outofcervix

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DRUMS NOT GUNS! As seen on Indian Queen, Wayne Ave, and everywhere hearts are lifted with rhythm. POSTIVE MOVEMENT Drumline / Entertainment – Follow @WHOUROCKINWIT / Visit WHOUROCKINWIT.ORG (info & booking)

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not. -Dr. Seuss, author and illustrator (2 Mar 1904-1991)

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NOT JUST RV’s! We’ve got pop-ups, a-frames, trailers, and all the latest accessories for vacations and nomadic wanderings. Come see it all at the Valley Forge Expo Center, March 3 – 6. More info: phillyrvshow.com or call 800-290-6886.

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WARNING STUDENTS: No one is going to give you the education you need to overthrow them. Start learning now the skills & knowledge you’ll need tomorrow. PS tomorrow is coming fast! #yikes

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The 12 Seasons of PA
Winter
Fool’s Spring
Second Winter
Spring of Deception*
Third Winter
Actual Spring
The Pollening
Summer
Hell’s Front Porch
False Fall
Second Summer
Actual Fall
(*we are here)

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Glory to Ukraine forever. ~ Grandmom Josephine (Holy Ghost parish)

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Pet Lover Fest at the Greater Philly Expo Center (March 11 – 13). It’s everything pets: vendors, seminars, demonstrations, rescues, adoptions, special attractions and lots of hands-on petting opportunities. Friday night is FAMILY NIGHT: children under 12 admitted FREE. More info incl full schedule: familypetshows.com

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Those who don’t study history are doomed to repeat it. And those who do study history are doomed to stand helplessly by while everyone else repeats it. #sadtruth

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You’re Annabel Lee and my given name’s Edgar – coincidence? I think not. We met with a spark in Marseilles, France then a year later bumped into each other in NYC. More sparks. A gentleman never tells but it was a magical night at the Pierre. Where did you go, my dear? I’d swear you were a dream, if you hadn’t left behind this Local paper on my bathroom floor, with “FOLLOW ME” written on the cover in what I presume to be your penmanship. Well then, here I am. Please tell me if I’m warm or cold. If anyone knows this woman, I will pay handsomely for clues. ~ Edgar Allen Portsmith

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Outta my way flaca, if you had been honest and fair instead of passing that worthlessness as “the real mc coy” those were your exact words, you bitch liar. I didn’t even want that shit but I knew you needed money so I bought your shitty shit you sold to me knowing it’d come back on me. Is that what kind of friend you are? What kind of dealer? You’re a joke, I’m done. ~ Shannon in Roxborough

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BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN is the drawer I need to get into omg why are you even in the kitchen right now.  #womenshistorymonth

CHEW AVE is named after a family of slaveowners who lived in the Cliveden House plantation, now a part of Historic Germantown. When slavery was abolished in Philadelphia, Benjamin Chew refused to let his slaves go. He sent the younger boys and teenage girls south to his father’s plantation in Delaware, where slavery was still legal. #PhillyHasHistory

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Hello Spring! Book Swap at Tree House Books. March 22 (2 – 5pm) at The People’s Lot / 18 E. Church Lane. (Germantown) Sounds by DJ Jamz, hosted by Kai. Bring up to 5 books and take as many as you’d like. Enjoy music and being in community with other awesome people. This is a free event but donations are gratefully appreciation. To learn more about the non-profits behind this event, please visit treehousebooks.org and @OURchive.

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Him: He just says he’s taking back what used to be part of Russia.
Me: Yeah well Alaska used to be a part of Russia.
Him:

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Gotta hand it to you, Butch, that was a very special Valentine’s Day, with the roses and foot rub. Which was really stupid on your part, because obviously you were up to something. Duh, dummy, I was only PRETENDING to fall asleep. I tailed your ass to that bar with your idiot friend who’s always taking your money on stupid bets. Talking you into investing in his crazy bitcoin schemes. You’re on notice, buddy. Don’t test me. I swear to god, Butch, one of these days I’m really going back to mother.  ~Honey

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Weird Thought: Not a single kid has ever died in a mass reading, yes they’re banning books instead of guns?! 👀

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Thoughts: people often say they hope their deceased pet dog is chasing squirrels in doggy heaven. Ever feel bad about the squirrels, spending their afterlives being tormented for canine thrills? My friend Skeeter says dog heaven is also squirrel hell, “It’s a very efficient system,” he told me. When I asked him what sins squirrels could possibly commit on earth that would damn them to eternal punishment, Skeeter answered, “They know the bird feeder isn’t for them.” #hesrightyouknow

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WHAT THE TRUCK?! Over $10,000 in cash, awards and prizes at stake at the Mid Atlantic Indoor Nationals. Unmatched variety of makes, models and years on display. Cars, Trucks and Bikes of all styles, competing for awards from Weekend Drivers to Professional Show Vehicles. Details: @midatlanticindoornats

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The US will never stand as an example of democracy to the rest of the world if corporations can bribe our lawmakers to deny people housing, healthcare, and clean water.  #hypocrisy

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CC: Here’s a Missed Connection that you’ll recognize: JJ told me in 9th grade that in 8th grade you had a crush on me and would have said Yes if I asked you out — but I missed my window! This blew my mind back then, and it did the other weekend at our 35th Class reunion, when I blurted out something weird and unintentionally inappropriate about it, before passing out in the punch bowl. Sorry, I am recently divorced with low tolerance for alcohol, not that that’s an excuse. But it is a Missed Connection of epic proportions. Mea culpa.  ~D

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UH OHHHH… Bad time to be a failing real estate developer with hundreds of millions in debt coming due and your primary source of laundered money currently banned from world banks.  #schadenfreude

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MONACO-GO-GO Philadelphia’s International Auto Show / March 5 – 13 at the PA Convention Center. This is a “non-selling” show: no sales are allowed in the floor, so guests are free to ask questions and explore the vehicles with no pressure, no pitches. Classics, Exotics and Aftermarket Vehicles. Admission $10 – $16, purchase online phillyautoshow.com #vroom (Take a ride in an electric car!)

Honestly people. If Dems were “rigging elections” we’d have clean water, solar cars, universal healthcare and no Fox News. #duh

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We knew each other for years and years. Cared about each other deeply. That’s the Missed Connection, I guess. We were intimately connected every step of the way, just both too blind to see how intimately until recently. So, I have to announce that this is no longer a Missed Connection. Rebecca and I are engaged and happy. We just want to tell everyone, it’s never too late. Nothing is ever too late. ~Rebecca and Jim #lovewins #80skids

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Hello this is LaRhoda. I swing through NW Philly all the time, in my travels as assistant to a very famous celebrity I am not at liberty to mention. Looking to rebuild my directory of top local restaurants, clubs, labels, etc. (so many changes since COVID!). Talk to me.   ~ Angela @CAA

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Isn’t it weird how US school kids are all taught to remember Christopher Columbus “discovered” America, but how many of us know the people he encountered here have a name, too: they were the Taíno, a people more than 4,000 years old, part of a complex civilization more populous than Europe at the time? Now that you know, please never forget. @1491

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No Place Like Home Philly’s most popular home show turns the PA Convention center into a wonderland of interior design and innovation. Inspiration blooms with speakers, workshops, tips and demos, innovative products and fantastic deals on décor and home improvements of all kinds. Shop, compare and save with over 200 exhibitors under one roof. March 18/19/20 & 25/26/27. Learn more: phillyhomeshow.com or 484-854-9084.

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My reflection, dirty mirror
There’s
no connection
to myself
I’m your lover
I’m your zero
~Thoughts?

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Never Forget that Trump tried to blackmail Zelenski for political dirt by withholding aid that Congress had authorized. Trump then was impeached for this – and the Republican Senate protected his criminal act. The GOP stood tall with Trump & Putin, against Ukraine. Remember. Resist.

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Ok, we went to Temple together like 5 years ago. We were inseparable — I STILL don’t know why we broke up. It seemed like a weird fade over time…. Radio silence, until you turned up on my train. Talking to you again, it’s like no time has passed. I remember this glow. It was good, Daryl. We HAD something. You know it, I know it. Now, if someone could explain this to your wife, that’d be great.
~Alicia

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Don’t be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. Do justly now, love mercy now, walk humbly now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it.  – Talmud

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Shoutout to our parents for hitting an absolute timeline sweet-spot. Drop right in after a world war, have a bunch of weird sex before HIV, buy a house for like $20,000, start a family, retire young and peace out right before the ocean kills us. #BoomerEnvy

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It’s wild how they’re bringing back all the classics from my childhood. Picard. Luke Skywalker. Ghostbusters. The Soviet Union.

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POTTY MOUTH DROPS  Lorraine, here’s the thing: unless there’s “fuck yeah,” it’s gotta be a fuck no. Jeremy’s nice but you need to find people who think you’re a fuck yeah as you are: Fuck yeah, I like you. Fuck yeah, I wanna hang. Fuck yeah you’re worth my time & energy. Don’t ever work for love or friendship. Don’t settle for meh. You deserve fuck yeah all the way.  @AuntyC

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TADASANA: 3am in McMichael Park – was that you, doing vinyasas in the moonlight? Standing still and silhouetted while my dog angled to sniff your footing? We pulled away, but I’m left wondering if you’re who I think you are. I didn’t see your face, but I bet I’d know that spinal alignment anywhere. Prove me wrong, Sonja.  ~Boris

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It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him. -J.R.R. Tolkien, novelist and philologist (3 Jan 1892-1973)

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We Gray & We Play  The “Brothers” Softball Team Headed by Coach Grand Hank will be hosting its first “Meet & Greet and Light Workout” this coming Sunday, March 6, 2022 at 1:00pm at Barker Field located at Barker Ave. and School St. (off Chester Pike) in Sharon Hill. We are looking for “a few Good Men” for all positions to play in the Delco 50 & Over Men’s Softball League. Season starts April 11, 2022. Call 267-249-5613 asap. P.S. Bring a few ice cold ones for the after workout cool down.

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Q: How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They all use gas lighting. 
@Coronavirus_Gallows_Humor

FIRST TIME dealing with existential global crisis? For many Millennials and Zoomers, these feelings of WW III panic are new and debilitating. Find yourself a GenXer to help see you thru. We spent the entirely of our childhoods prepping for nuclear war, alone, eating Pop Tarts cold from the foil. We got you. PS Do not under any circumstances watch “The Day After.” Don’t even google it.

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ATTENTION EAST FALLS: Some residents of the 3500 block of Calumet St came together to support a fellow neighbor. Seems someone has an issue with the small Pride Garden flag in front of their home. So we decided to buy our own flags and signs, to show the family some love. This is about tolerance, acceptance, and being a good human. Please join us in making a rainbow wave across East Falls and beyond! #pride

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Yo, for anyone sayin Trump wasn’t a part of the insurrection, remind them that Bin Laden didn’t fly them planes either.

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BUY LOCAL HONEY! @WickedBeeHollow sells jars from 8oz to 2 ½ lbs plus scrubs and soaps sometimes. And St. James School sells honey on etsy.com. If you’ve never had local honey before — it tastes like spring smells in the most delicious way. People swear that ingesting the natural pollens in your environment helps with seasonal allergies.

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True Story: The largest peaceful protest in US History was the 2017 Women’s Mark. Of the 5,246,670 participants nationwide, not one of them felt the need to arrive in tactical gear or wave an assault rifle. #girlpower

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CINAPHILES: Mark Your Calendar for Weds April 20, for a festival of documentary shorts depicting life in Kensington, N. Philly and Germantown neighborhoods. Tix & info: brynmawrfilm.org

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Bargain Hunter Alert! Just Between Friends is a savvy shopper’s dream – coming this March, 16, 17 & 18 in Valley Forge. A real savings extravaganza! Consignors bring new/gently-used children’s and maternity merchandise to sell at incredible prices: clothing, shoes, toys, books, games, gear, strollers, playsets, furniture, decor and so much more. All items inspected to insure highest quality. More info: phillyexpocenter.com

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You Might Be Old If…. getting a new phone fills you with more dread than excitement. It doesn’t have to be that way! Teens Teach Technology PA works to bridge the generational gap, teaching technology basics with community lessons specially geared for seasoned citizens. All welcome. Weds March 9, 2:45 pm in-person at Joseph E. Colman library and via zoom (email cbsouthteensteachtech@gmail.com for link).

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Dust if you must, but wouldn’t it be better,
To paint a picture or write a letter,
Bake a cake or plant a seed,
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there’s not much time,
With rivers to swim and mountains to climb,
Music to hear and books to read,
Friends to cherish and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world’s out there
With the sun in your eyes, the wind in your hair,
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain.
This day will not come ‘round again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it’s not always kind.
And when you go and (go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.

~ Mrs. Rose Mulligan (1998)

Stay safe out there!

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 48 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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