Missed Connections: FEBRUARY 2022

Gently tussled, snatched, cornered, tantalized, scoured, set free and fermented by Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen for your optimal edifications.

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HOROSCOPE FOR AQUARIUS  (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

While Aquarius is the Water Bearer, it’s actually an air sign, which begins to explain why these people are so messed up, and why they have so much gas. Aquarians are free spirits and also expert moochers and couch-surfers who love a free ride. With their innate intelligence and imagination, they’re responsible for most, if not all, the world’s conspiracy theories. Water Bearers have a taste for the avant-garde: of all your friends, they’re the likeliest to swing or play the Theremin. Never ask a Water Bearer to “go along to get along” unless you want a foot up your ass. Speaking of butt stuff, Aquarius is ruled by Uranus so, you know. @Empress2016

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Hello I’m a local trapper. I acquire and purvey deluxe squirrel pelts, velvety rabbit pelts, sensuous groundhog pelts, exotic vole, mouse & rat pelts, full deer pelts and a wide assortment of pelt hats. The other night, I fear I startled a nice gentleman who encountered me retrieving a particularly luxurious specimen from the shoulder of Henry Ave. He let out quite a holler when I got close  – as if he’d never seen a dead fox on a snow shovel before. Sorry! ~ Marilyn  PS Did I say trapper? I meant roadkill collector.

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ROXBOROUGH: Hey Greg from Wawa! It was crowded and we were the only ones in masks. We lamented the loss of the Gobbler sandwich, and agreed there was no substitute. I never do this but I hope you enjoyed your lunch and will keep an eye out for me in the future.  ~Anna (black N95)

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Déjà vu, Darling? You’ve never met anyone like me, trust. I’m into dice games and drifting. But also painting, photography, birding, freediving, shooting (pistol and recurve bow). I am an avid privy digger and graveyard enthusiast. I’m proficient in mime and Argentinian tango; I wield a chainsaw when necessary. I’ve spoken to all your ex-girlfriends, and they dared me to do this.  ~Veronika

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What’s this world coming to, when a guy can’t ask a gal what she’s gonna do if her biological clock runs out before she has kids? Because ladies these days act like it doesn’t matter, but it does and they will soon be old maids without children if they insist on being so picky, and getting so mad when I point this out. ~ Stu at Murphy’s (I won’t wait forever, Jill)

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I idle, trespass, loiter and dawdle around these city streets simply because they are there. Carefully observing the city’s environs and its inhabitants. Show me something I’ve Missed. ~ Open-Hearted Flâneuse

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I like eating out, bean grinding, log rides, homemade cream pies, clam roasts, and Oil of Olay.
All that good stuff. Let’s not miss it.  ~Ruth. RUTH!

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Hi, I’m Tiffani, the local balloon artist. I make those cute little balloon animals for kids. I might need to switch professions though, on account of when the balloons pop it freaks me out and at this point I have a pretty bad case of PTSD from them. I’m thinking of a new career path, so I thought I might as well dump my boyfriend and pick a new one. So, who’s the lucky guy gonna be?! ~Twisty Tiffani

Single & Sugar Free  — I knew it was over before it began when she ordered dessert. Now I don’t mind paying for lady’s meal when I invite her out, but everyone knows sweets are extra. And a rip-off! Twenty bucks for a blob of “mousse”? You can buy that shit by the tub at ShopRite, gtfoh!  ~Leonard  PS No I wasn’t kidding when I suggested that you pay for your own sugar rush, Sheila (also your laugh is quite obtrusive so there)

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Come to the Human Superb Owl Party! Highly Exclusive – Huge Respect – Celebrate – Shoes Stay On.  Sunday Feb 13, DM event page for dress code and potluck guidelines. ~Amy

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This is for Stephanie, she lives in Germantown and months ago we had our first and only date at Maplewood Bistro. Dinner was great, but when we came out, someone had spraypainted “CHEATER!” all over her car. She was like “Yeah, my ex is kinda obsessive” and waved it off, and like a coward I let it go, too. We never spoke again but now in retrospect, I feel I let you down. If you read this, please know that your ex’s behavior is not okay, and in fact is a dangerous warning sign. Please take it seriously. Please stay safe. And please reach out if you need a friend. ~ Marcus

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City Slickers Need Not Apply — We went for a romantic walk at Laurel Hill cemetery. Going by the big mausoleums, a racoon darted out between us on the path. Aiiaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! You’d think he’d seen the Devil himself – the screams that erupted from this man! It was like deranged yodeling. The racoon and I both just stood there like “Dude what’s your problem?” It was one of those magical interactions I feel are so worth seeking out in Nature. Now I’m not sure what happened to Cliff after he ran away from me that day, but if I ever see him again I’ll thank him for teaching me a lesson about my own values and expectations. ~Meghan

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Excuse me, Bertie, but in answer to your question, LOTS OF PEOPLE have hardboiled eggs for breakfast! And if you think my little sandwich smells up the shuttle anywhere nearly as bad as your stinky coffee breath, you’re crazy!!! Sorry, sweetums, my nourishment comes before your sensitive sniffer. ~ Who am I? Koo Koo Ca Chooooo

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Red and yellow hat and scarf, glad they’re still keeping you warm. Working your secret boozy hot chocolate stand there. This snow keeps coming and I think how fun to be stranded with you again. Turn back the clock. What do you say, Leese? Gotta be honest though: booze I can handle but these days hot choc gives me the runs in 20 seconds flat. In the spirit of transparency.  ~Friendly Neighborhood GenXr

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Eat Well, Feel Good

East Falls Farmers Market makes it easy. Farm-fresh produce, meats, cheeses, more plus artisanal products and crafts. Saturdays 11am to 1pm under the Twin Bridges (4100 Ridge). Rain or shine, all year long.

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Ancient History (hint number 1)  We met in 1975, at a phone booth on Germantown Avenue. People called us Fric and Frack for awhile, we was always up to something. I found you again in 1989, but only for a short visit. In 2002, you found me, remember? We almost got it going on again, but then didn’t. That was many email addresses ago. Been looking for you ever since. If this is you or if you know who this is please respond or forward this message.  ~Kyle

BELIEVE! Every time you read a banned book, an angel punches a racist in the throat.

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Congrats to Thunder Mug! The 2nd recipient of the Philadelphia 76er’s annual Buy Black Program. Out of hundreds of applications, this beloved East Falls cafe was chosen to receive a customized marketing strategy, through the 76er’s many robust platforms and resources: creatives, analytics, film and radio spots, email campaigns and more. Way to go, Lizette and team! @thundermugcafe

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Hi neighbors! Does anyone know a Jonas Grumby? I found something that belongs to them on a walk behind the crab place, and want to return it.   — Maryann

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C is for Cookie NOM NOM NOM It’s time for Girl Scout cookies NOM NOM NOM The best ones are the mint thins that you can buy year round at the supermarket, they’re called Grasshoppers and Keebler makes them (they also make knock-off Samoas called Coconut Dreams). #killjoy

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#TruthTakes:

It is easier to fool the people than to convince them they have been fooled. —  Mark Twain

The only barrier to truth is the belief you already have it. —  Voltaire

#questioneverything

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DECLUTTER THIS WINTER: Whosoever Gospel Mission on E. Chelten Ave and Bargain Thrift on Germantown Ave are two local thrift stores that accept clothes and houseware donations. ACCT Philly needs old towels, blankets and newspapers (other items too, see their wish list — convenient drop offs daily!).

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This is for the LOVELIGHTS, I want to submit one in memory of General Lafayette who encamped at McMichael Park during the cold winter of 1776 when his soldiers bundled their feet in bloody rags to walk each day to the river, fetching water for tea and catching catfish in elaborate nets sewn by Betsy Ross’s sister, Janice, to whom I am related. Where do I send the $5? Which bulb is mine?  ~ Frankie Lynne

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Hi everyone! Reposting this for my employers from the Philly NeedaNannyNow page. Seeking responsible, reliable caretaker for three cheerfully rambunctious youngsters and their mostly-housetrained Husky. The pay is amazing! The 6 y.o. is sweet as pie (unless he eats red food dye – look out!) and the 12 y.o. twins will probably just need someone to drive them and their friends around all day while they winge about everything and make fun of how old and fat you are. Very easy job, did I mention the pay was great?! Lemme know if I can hook you up. ~Angie

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me: i’ll have the sloppy joe
wife: this is a fancy restaurant, idiot
me: apologies, i’ll have the uncouth joseph
waiter: excellent choice, sir

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If anyone needs snow removal – Tony just did an AMAZING job digging out my car and clearing the ramp to the street. He even salted and cleared UNDER my car too. Highly Recommend! His number is 267-730-0500. Thank you Tony O’Neill!!!  — Dani S., East Falls

WHO’S GOT WORMS?! Grab a hook, it’s time for the Philadelphia Fishing Show at the Greater Phila Expo Center Feb 18, 19 & 20. Come out for a celebration of all things piscatorial! The latest & greatest in guides, lodges, rods, reels, lures, tackle, gear, apparel, art, marine and if you’re lucky Boothwyn Bubba’s bringing his fat ole juicy nightcrawlers that #neverfail to land a big one. Fun for all ages and experience levels from beginner to expert. FREE phillyfishingshow.com

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NEWBIE QUESTION: What grocery store in the area is the cheapest?
Top Answers:

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Opportunities Arise: Laurel Hill Cemetery is Hiring! The area’s most prestigious cemetery, funeral home and arboretum seeks to fill positions in Family Services and also their Grounds Maintenance crew, including an experienced horticulturist. More details at thelaurelhillcemetery.org/about/careers.

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Hey! Is anyone buying Magic the Gathering cards? I have some cool ones to sell, including a prerelease promo version of Solitude! Please reach out if you’re interested. ~Doug

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Just a public service announcement: if you see someone’s trashcan on the sidewalk, this is not an invitation for you to throw your crap in it. I happen to live in a rowhouse with garbage collection in front, and every week I have to drag my can through my house, and it’s gross enough with my own trash. I certainly don’t want yours too sloshing around in here! This goes double for dog poo!!! Thanks for understanding.  — Jess M

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Philadelphia Tattoo Arts Convention
Feb 25 – 27 (Fri/Sat/Sun)
At the Pennsylvania Convention Center, 131 N. Broad Street entrance
Day Pass $22 ($45 for all 3 days). For more info plus link to purchase tix online, email tattookingpin@gmail.com

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Look out! Germantown is being destroyed with all types of new developments. And people be on here arguing about the smallest things. Our neighborhood is being turned into a baby New York.  They are putting apartment buildings everywhere. Somebody needs to call a meeting or something. Let’s save our neighborhood.  If not please don’t complain 5 years from now. Have a good day.  – Mister Mann

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Dear Mr Mann well 5 years from now when our area sees improvements, an influx of new people with new ideas, better schools and a higher tax base? I’m all in. Change is inevitable and I don’t want our area to miss out on the boom. And anyway, the older generation brought this on themselves, making it hard for businesses and developers for years and now guess what? They’ve found a way around, they don’t need community permission anymore. It is what it is. – J.G.

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Attention – the world does NOT need more positivity! It needs minds that can deal with the complexity of life. That can hold ideas of nuance and polarity. That can stay grounded, centered and open to the full range of what it means to be human and alive.

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Bloody hell. I have officially run out of serenity to accept the things I cannot change. There’s simply not enough fucking serenity to be had at this point! Maybe it’s a supply chain thing? I don’t know. Just trying to deal.  — Kevin having coffee in Germantown today.

What do you call a failed insurrection? Practice. #punishthem

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I act like everything is alright, but deep down inside, I miss Hijop’s meat market. 😭 We’ve been down bad ever since their departure. Sam’s will do in a pinch but not on the regular. Thanks for listening. – Rasheed

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Do People Still Rent Rooms? Hello, I have a male friend in his 40’s who is looking for a room to rent. Nothing fancy, preferably with kitchen access (although a meal plan would be ideal). He has 1 tiny dog. He is very gentle and quiet (the dog, not my friend who is quite boisterous). He’s a school teacher so he has a steady but paltry income.

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Welcome Spring! Get a jump on the season at the Philly Home + Garden show at the Greater Phila Convention Center in Oaks, PA. Discover the latest tips, trends and topics on everything from outdoor landscaping to the heart of your home. $10 admission, half off if you use EXPO promo code from phillyhomeandgardenshow.com. FEB 25, 26, 27

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Me: finally gets 8 hours of sleep
My neck and my back: congrats but u did it wrong.  #nosoniftyfifty

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This Valentines Day is going to be the first one I’ve spent without you in 7 years. It’s going to feel unbearable. I still can’t believe you’re really gone. Whenever I walk by the river, I try to stop for a bit on that bench where the bridges meet. I remind myself I knew you were a special gift when you came back into my life, and I cherished every moment with you. No regrets, except I wish we’d had more time. ~ Mollie

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Warning Local Dog Walkers: I’m so sooooo close to letting my dog eat your dog’s face before you can get “Oh he’s friendly” out of your mouth. Leash. Your. Dog. For the love of god.  (Except Monty. Monty is an OG and can do what he wants.)  ~ Beatrice off Mitchell

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Hey sheeple!! Whatever you do, DO NOT use the free government COVID tests unless you’re into mind control. Biden put a chip on the swaps so when you se them, the chip gets implanted directly into your brain via your sinus cavity. I know this is true because I read it on the internet!  ~ Audrey D.

We wring our hands over gun violence but there’s YET ANOTHER GUN SHOW at the Valley Forge expo center this month, this one by the largest firearms show promoter in PA. At least they’ve stopped selling ghost gun kits, or so they say. Not like I’m gonna buy a ticket to find out. #enough

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My favorite part about quitting drinking? Going to wild holiday parties and waking up all of the hungover people at 6 am. As they migrate to the kitchen with dreams of Tums and coffee, I serve them pickled herring and warm shots of cheap gin. Why am I celebrating? Because I don’t have a nasty hangover! Ain’t I a stinka?!   ~ That Damn Dutch Guy

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A nation run by bankers will never be out of debt.
A nation owned by weapons will never bear peace.
A nation ruled by privilege will never have justice.
If these elements own the media, we will never know truth.

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Hello Tori I know you read these, it’s my last shot at reaching you since you stormed off last week after you thought you caught me in bed with another woman. Look I thought it was funny to surprise you – Linda is my new foster dog, that’s who was under the covers. You’d have heard her bark if you hadn’t launched yourself down my stairs and out the door before I had a chance to explain. Jesus Christ, I did NOT expect that response, I’m so sorry. Please call.  – Jeremy and Linda (Jack Russell mix)

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Hey Ron, I think you oughta know I follow your wife on OnlyFans. Is that weird? If this bothers you, just say the word and I will never mention it again. Your friends and cowoker,  Pete

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Memories when we’re young, Love lingers so… It was the turn of the century, you would sing and dance around our room, so completely. Then you fell deep with illness and time caught you. You were gone. So I took to the clay and stone and worked my Art and I made the stone become life – you returned. And this month is our 30th anniversary. I love you Suzy.  ~Daniel

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I tire so of hearing people say, / Let things take their course. / Tomorrow is another day. / I do not need my freedom when I’m dead. / I cannot live on tomorrow’s bread. –Langston Hughes, poet and novelist (1902-1967)

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Dear David, I am still very angry and I have every right to never speak to you again, after what you did. But I will forgive you, and try to be understanding however not without an apology first, something with maybe some jewelry or a spa day involved. Definitely flowers. Am I being clear?  ~ Misha

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A Message from the Republican Party: Sorry we tried to assassinate Pence, Pelosi, etc and overthrow an election. We didn’t expect to fail, but now there’s this awkwardness between us all. Let’s move forward and get back to normal with us blocking any legislation people want while quietly rigging elections to preserve white supremacy. Love ya!  — GOP

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Jules My Dear, how’s this for a Missed Connection, in fact, a whole year of them! Why didn’t I put it together sooner, this act you’ve been putting on? Why didn’t I connect with the fact that you are a lying, manipulative back-stabber years ago? Why’d it take me so long to see your hideous true colors? It was only immediately following my marriage proposal that your true self showed its hateful head. I’m out. Have a nice life. Tell Alex not to expect a Christmas card from me. ~John

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Darling this call is about putting the “woo” in woodwinds! Ha! HA! We play in the same local orchestra —  you’re 2nd cello, I’m 3rd violin. I have black hair and possess an austere visage. HA! Inside beats the heart of a wild child. Think Paganini on an 8 ball of coke in a Moroccan red light district in the late 70’s. HA! Don’t be scared, we’ll make amazing music together if you’d like.  ~ Mme Midori

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A Missed Connection: For Robinson
I miss your smile, I miss your scent. I miss that unique connection that was us. Before I left, I asked Can you ever trust me again? Stay, you said, and we’ll find out.  #phillystrong

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Now I’ve been tolerant of the restrictions surrounding gravity. I’ve worn the required parachutes while skydiving. I’ve used “staircases” to descend tall buildings. I’ve even exercised caution around crevices and open wells. But enough is enough! We need our lives back!  ~ Jen G.

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

Click Here for Last Month’s Missed Connections! 

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 48 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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