Missed Connections: JANUARY 2022

It’s another year of TMI for NW Philly neighbors, pulled from social bubbles and hidey holes for the embetterment of our lives. Or something. 

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HOROSCOPE FOR CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 20)

Capricorns are known for their hard-working dispositions and the way they can bum out any party just by stepping into the room.  Capricorn is a true and loyal friend, except where business is concerned in which case they will cut a bitch for playing games. Of all the signs of the zodiac, Capricorn looks most foolish when trying to pull off trendy hats and eyewear. In matters of love, Capricorns will never lie (although you may wish they did so at least you’d have something interesting to talk about). If you are a Capricorn, try being someone else for awhile, maybe. @Empress2016

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Forgive me, Heidi, but I don’t speak German so those “sweet nothings” you’re whispering sound like grunting and maybe hawking up a loogie. If you’re trying to turn me on, try French or Italian. Or maybe just talk dirty in English?  ~ Kevin  #justsayin
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HELP WANTED: A/V OPERATOR — East Falls Presby Church seeks someone to connect their online worshippers via ZOOM to in-person services. Pay is $20 – $30/hr (about 2 hours every Sunday plus occasional engagements). Full description online, email Rev Kari Olson.

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December 23: Anyone with camera footage of someone throwing a rock at a vehicle’s windshield last night? Calumet street, near the library. To the person who did it – your vandalism may have just robbed an elderly mother at end-stage cancer of the chance to spend one last holiday with her family. Way to go, you.  ~D.B via Nextdoor

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Need to get rid of unwanted junk after the holidays? Put it in Amazon boxes and leave it on your porch! Follow me for more tips on living in East Falls. @FreakyFallser

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2022 Resolution: Be Like I-95! Never stop working on yourself no matter how inconvenient it is to others. #lol

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HEY JEREMY: Where is our relationship headed? More importantly, do I even know you? There’s a good chance I picked the name “Jeremy” out of thin air, without any particular person in mind. Maybe I’m trying to manifest a partner? Then again, I could be deliberately wasting your time. Find out and DM me!   — Kleo

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Sandals in Snow Flurries: You continue to captivate me, you kitten-heeled vixen. Dabbing the frozen pavement so carefully with your perfectly pedicured piggies, so bravely facing the elements, so that you may style yourself at whim — weather be damned. How lovely the pallor of your skin, blue-gray with possible frostbite. Now here’s a woman who COMMITS to her outfit! A true inspiration. My offer of a platonic foot rub still stands, hope you’ll take me up on it soon. ~Mike Pence on Germantown Ave.

Winter Nature Fun for Kids – “Coyote Tracks” at the Wissahickon Environmental Center/Treehouse. Hands-on outdoor adventure with storytelling and wilderness survival skills. Ages 7 – 17. Info/register: 4eee.org/coyotetracks (JAN 11 – MAR 31) Discounts/scholarships available. Follow on Facebook.

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Liberation Through Artistic Healing – a workshop for beginners and others who enjoy the art of collage-making. Through visual imagery we will explore how we heal, express solace and envision our future selves. SUN JAN 23 (3 – 5pm). Details/signup: “We Are Us” on Eventbrite.com

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Betty White Didn’t Die! No, no, no. She grabbed 2021 by the throat, and whispered in its ear, “I’m taking you with me, you son of a bitch!” and then she threw them both into the fires of Mordor to save us all. That’s my fucking story and I’m sticking to it. It is cannon. Deal with it.  #Rose4Ever

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ALL ABOARD! Greenberg Train & Toy Show comes to Philly Expo Center Jan 8 & 9. 70+ exhibitors, huge operational displays. Free workshops/demos/test track. 300+ vendors! Cash only $11 at the door (kids under 11 free). 10am – 4pm. Presented by trainshow.com.

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Hi, Germantown, I’m scared every night I leave my business because it’s completely pitch black on the sidewalks! The streetlights are all burned out, me and the other neighbors have been calling 311 for 3+ months now but no luck. I think maybe we made too much a fuss, and made somebody mad.  – CJ

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Q: Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
A: Because they were too heavy to carry to the British museum. #fuckcolonization

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**Get Gleaming** Let me make your home or office sparkle! Expert and affordable house cleaning services: weekly, monthly, special occasions, organization, and much more. Call 267-726-5053 or text 267-444-3466. References available. @gccleaningllc

Open Your Eyes and WITNESS Raw Coverage of Philly Gun Violence Today: @STVPhilly on youtube and @fisbanga on Instagram. #saveourbabies

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Just watched someone fly down Abbotsford along Fernhill Park at least 50 mph, passing numerous other vehicles in a non-passing zone. Turned the corner onto Clapier, there’s another car doing 50 mph, blowing stop signs. This poor woman’s walking her dog, she literally had to jump out of the way! WTH? I just moved here, now I’m seeing this shit all the time. Is this normal? Someone dug up the speedbumps on Abbotsford, y’all are crazy. ~ Eric

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Assistance for Home Repairs – You could be eligible for free major systems repairs for dangerous conditions or essential survival. For details & coverage guidelines, see the Basic Systems Repair Program (BSRP) at phdcphila.org / 215-448-3000

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Lucille: Remember how it’d be 11am, and we’d be sitting on your bed, playing tunes and blowing bong hits out the window? We thought we were so sneaky but turns out the RA just didn’t care, lol. I would pay good money to be that carefree and oblivious again. The next best thing, though, is spending time with you. My friend and partner in crime always.  ~Trigger

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Lol, lil kids talking about “when I grow up.’ Man, it’s 70 degrees in January, you ain’t growing up lmao! #climatechange #massextinction

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Hey Neighbors Guarding “Your” Parking Spots — Look, I know it sucks when someone “steals” the spot you prefer in front of your house, that you feel so entitled to. But here’s the thing: you don’t own the street. Living in the city means we all have to share. Suck it up or move to the suburbs. If I see your orange cones, your lawn chairs, etc, I’m taking em to the dumpster! ~The Cone Ranger

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FEEL IRIE – Every Saturday 9pm – 11pm, #REGGAESURGE plays the best Caribbean beats on WGGT-LP 92.9 FM and streaming on GtownRadio.com. Call 215-609-4301 with shout-outs & requests.

Dinos & Draggos – Get up-close and personal with life-like, life-sized dinosaurs and dragons, including MASSIVE BEASTS more than 2 stories high and 60 feet long. Brought to life with the most advanced, cutting-edge animatronics and special effects for a full sensory experience unlike anything available elsewhere JAN 15 & 16 at Philly Expo Center (Oaks) / Tix $17.99  @DinoandDragonStroll

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Who’s your Missed Connection? Mine is my ex. Over time, I remember more the good than the bad. She never told me why she didn’t want me anymore, but I think I know. Could we have tried harder? Found another way? I wish I could just talk with her again, over coffee or Prosecco. Folks, if you have love in your life, cherish it. Honor it. And for godsake don’t take it for granted like I did. Life is short but extremely wide. Live it well, my friends.

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Melanated Menfolk: the Mayor’s Office of Black Male Engagement works to reduce economic & social disparities affecting non-white Philadelphians (including Latino, Asian, immigrant & other males). Assistance/opportunities available now, see phila.gov/obme/resources for directory.

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DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava for your eternal torture.
ME: Actually, we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: You realize this is why you’re here.

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VROOOOM!!! Explore the newest, most innovative advancements in all aspects of motorsports JAN 21 & 22. Circle track, drag racing, road racing, dirt and asphalt. 2 Action-Packed Days! Admission $15: motorsportstradeshow.com for tix & exhibitor info. Start your engines… for fun!  Philly Expo Center (Oaks)

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Philly Goat Project’s 4th Annual Xmas Tree-Cycle Saturdays! January 8th and 22nd from 12 to 3pm. Family-friendly farm festival/fundraise with fire pits, petting pen, hot cocoa, more! Suggested donation $20 per tree to be broken down for goat snacks & landscaping material.

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If anyone needs a recommendation for a lawyer that’s familiar with tenant’s rights, Nancy Lanoce on 6064 Ridge Ave is wonderful to work with. Highly recommend! ~ Suzanne C. (PALawHelp.org too)

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FOR MAGIC FINGERS MIKE: We met at my place once/month while you were attending Jefferson in 2019 – up until spring of 2020 when the world went to shit. This summer you texted me that you’d be back for fall semester, but I’m still waiting (and dreaming) for when will you have time on your hands to put your hands on me! Please get in touch, literally and figuratively. The spare room is still set up as we left it, just “knead” you to come by and work your magic. ~ Mr. Marshmallow in Manayunk PS I’m fully vaxxed!

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Hangry for Groceries!! Are we getting a new supermarket in East Falls, or not? There’s another big apartment building going up near Laurel Hill – I heard a rumor there’s gonna be an Aldi there. Can anyone confirm? @EastFallsRants

Trees Smell Like Stars – It’s true. Trees breathe in starlight year after year, which goes deep into their core. So when you cut a tree open, you smell a hundred years’ worth of light. Ancient starlight that took millions of years to each Earth. That’s why trees smell so beautiful & old. #namaste

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Got Yer Shot? Covid vaccines required for ALL indoor dining in Philly, starting January 3rd. More info phila.gov plus lots of whining in your choice of social media platforms. #VaxUpPhilly

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Small Biz Tip: Howe’s Sharpening Service sharpens blades while you wait! Knives, axes, shears, shovels, loppers, chain saws, lawn mowers and more. Look for their mobile sharpening truck at Whole Foods markets, farm stands, and other grocers (calendar at howesharp.com). Drop-off service & house calls, too. Sponsor a sharpening party for 30% off. #serialkillerdiscount

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To Everyone Complaining About the Trash: You now how COVID cases are rising? That’s affecting sanitation workers, too, as well as their families. One sick crew member can mean the rest of the crew also has to isolate. The city can only shuffle crews around so fast. We need to be patient – again. We’ve been through this before. We probably will yet again. Learn to cope. ~ T.B.

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WEDDING EXPO
JAN 8 & 9 (12 – 5pm)
Phila Convention Center / 1101 Arch St
Find the perfect gown, venue, invitations, photographer, music, menu, honeymoon & more. Demos, prizes & giveaways. Register online for FREE admission (or $10 at the door): Bridalshowspa.com

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Does the vaccine protect me from bullets? Cause I don’t want to get shot with a gun, either. But they’re throwing money into stopping a disease everyone can catch, instead of doing anything about the violence affecting certain communities more than others. #whyisthat

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Terry it’s Jim: I’m sorry but I didn’t see anywhere on your profile about you being a pot dealer??? Wtf?! Literally, a train of customers in and out the whole time we’re at your place, trying to have a nice dinner. Here I thought we were on our third date. What a frickin joke. Here’s a receipt for our breakup so you can’t say I ghosted you.

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Be Mindful as you focus on clearing generational trauma: your ancestors gave you more than just wounds. Here’s to strength, resilience and resolve for the Ages.

What Happened to Rosa? I used to go to an open mic in Germantown, probably around 2013. There was a singer named Rosa, she’d just done a special for NPR…? There was also a guy who’d be speaking in sign language, just walking around the place. Wired Beans, on Chelten. Great ambiance, lots of cool people and a chill vibe. Where is everyone these days? Why’s everything gotta be so weird now?  ~ Sharif

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A bit late but there’s a silver SUV parked on Queen lane with its interior lights on. If this is you, I hope you will be more careful in the future. ~ Aunt Jean Sullivan

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Do we need weapons to fight wars? Or do we need wars to create markets for weapons?
Arundhati Roy, author (b. 24 Nov 1961)

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Rainy December Uber Ride Back from Center City (to E. Germantown): You were telling me about your situation, and I was sharing mine. We’re both on the outside of the hearts we held so closely. Maybe I’m wrong but I feel we were meant to meet that night, our connection was so strong and promising. I’d have asked for your number, but Uber made me sign an agreement to stop doing that. So instead, I told you that angels are out here in the form of each other as you got out of the car. Please find me!  ~ Ari in the Avalanche

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People who use a grammar or typo error as an excuse to invalidate an argument presented to them should get explosive diarrhea as a karmic consequence. So let it be written, so let it be done.  2 Corprophagians 13:4
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Scam Alert! Just wanted to warn everyone to beware there are a lot of scammers on social media hooking people for bogus duct cleaning services. Their ads are very convincing but they will rip you off. You should only need your ducts cleaned out every 2 – 3 years, it should cost around $500 (check for NADCA-certification).

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Get into Grassroots Journalism – Revive Radio seeks videographer for various on-air and remote broadcasts. Must be highly-motivated, civic-minded, and fearless around strong, powerful women. Email revive.poc@gmail.com More info on reviveisalive.com

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3 Handy Responses to Gaslighting: 1. We remember things differently. 2. I’m stepping away from this conversation. 3. My truth is not up for debate.

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Where All The Pyros At? We discovered Attic Brewery’s beer garden, a wonderland of firepits where attentive staff provide FREE logs/kindling for warmth and, let’s face it, entertainment. Bring a blankie, pack some snacks. Pro Tip: the beer’s great but have at least one hot chocolate or mulled cider. #livealittle  Atticbrewing.com

Small Biz TipShop.Pomelo.com
Unique & well-priced flowers, plants & gifts in a vibrant, historic setting. Local pickup & delivery. Weekly subscriptions, events, more. 5336 Germantown Ave/19144 @Shop.Pomelo

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If you think you have a stupid question, just remember that NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7-day mission. #rocketscientists

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SAVE CHRISTMAS (from landfills)
When you take down your tree this year, please consider dropping it off at the East Falls/Paradise community garden on the corner of Scotts Lane & Ridge Ave, where they’ll be chipped/mulched for immediate use. Now thru Jan 22.  Thanks!

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FACT, JACK: Philly’s current vaccine rate 81 – 90% of the population (and growing). The idea that a vaccine mandate will hurt business is as uninformed (and unpopular) as the reasons people give for not getting vaccinated.

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NO ONE IS YOU, AND THAT IS YOUR POWER.   – Father Time

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Please be on the lookout my iPhone. I left it on the roof of my car the other night, heading down the 3400 block of Coulter, then onto Warden and then Midvale. At some point the phone fell off the car and appears to have been picked up by someone on a bike (12mph) who dropped it or threw it away behind the Park Deli at Chelten & Pulaski where it sat overnight, then took the J bus… where? It shut off after just a few blocks, it’s driving me crazy wondering what happened. I don’t need the phone back at this point, I just want to know. ~Sara

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Eat Well, Feel Good
East Falls Farmers Market makes it easy. Farm-fresh produce, meats, cheeses, more plus artisanal products and crafts. Saturdays 10am to 2pm under the Twin Bridges (4100 Ridge). Rain or shine, all year long.

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Can’t Get Enough Dinosaurs? Jurassic Quest returns to the Philadelphia Convention Center this January for a thrilling 2-week engagement. 100+ enormous, animated attractions. Plus dinosaur rides, fossil digs, raptor experiences and more. North America’s largest & most realistic dinosaur exhibit! Jan 15 – 23, tix $19 and up. Jurassicquest.com 10% off with QUEST10.

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Don’t worry, Melanie, I’m still here in the winter shadows. You continue to occupy my thoughts & heart, but  I can’t bear you to see me struggle against my same old self-destructive habits. I’m staying silent and hidden while I try to figure out how to change things for good. Uncle Joe knows where I am, if you absolutely must find me.

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I would rather be the man who bought the Brooklyn Bridge than the one who sold it. –Will Rogers, humorist (4 Nov 1879-1935)

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Recycle for Animal Welfare! ACCT Philly needs your old newspapers to line and insulate cages, absorb spills, shred for bedding and more. Also towels, blankets, sheets. Convenient drop-off at 111 W. Hunting Park Ave (10am – 6pm). Acctphilly.org

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Mental Health Support Pennsylvanians are entitled to treatment regardless of insurance status.
Suicide Prevention Crisis Line: 800-273-8255 or text “PA” to 741741
Covid Stress: 800-985-5990 or text “TalkWithUs” to 66746 for a trained crisis counselor
Substance Use: 800-662-4357
Resources and Referrals: 855-284-2494
MORE INFO: pa.gov/guides/mental-health

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Roses are red.
Mornings are hard.
I suck at poetry.
Coffee.

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

Click Here for Last Month’s Missed Connections! 

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 41 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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