Tough-love advice from Athena’s sister, the goddess of wild animals.
Greetings, dear readers! Athena has been under the weather, so she tagged me, Artemis, into her column this month. I could not be more thrilled to have this opportunity to speak with y’all! What I’m saying is, I feel there’s a real need for my input when it comes to the kind of issues I’ve been reading in Ask Athena — who by the way has been answering your questions since October 2019. Hats off to Athena!
So now don’t get me wrong. My sister’s advice is always wise and well-reasoned, bless her heart. But sometimes, a situation calls for gut instinct, amiright? As the goddess of the hunt (among other things), I feel I’m uniquely qualified to pick up on important cues and patterns that allow me to assess the best action. Also I’m often told I have no tact, but frankly I think that’s a good thing. ha! Let’s go, darlings….
Q: How do I stop loving someone who doesn’t share how I feel? — J.D. in Mayfair
A: Well first I need to know who you are. If you’re a teenager and/or this is your first relationship my best advice — and you’re not gonna like it — is to suck it up and find someone else, pronto. Nothing heals heartbreak faster than a new romance! I know the common wisdom (forgive me, sis) is to “process” what you’re feeling so you have “closure,” but at this stage in your life, your main concern should be making the most of this short window of time when you’re young, hot and unattached. Trust me here, kiddos.
For grown-ups, I’m afraid the best solution for unrequited love is to face your pain and make peace with it. After that, my suggestions run more along the lines of what NOT to do, first and foremost: don’t try to change this person’s mind. Don’t appeal to their friends or family. Don’t follow them on social media. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t keep everything bottled up inside. Don’t dwell. Don’t sell yourself short. Don’t give up on happiness.
Q: My husband of 14 years just told me he’s one of 30 finalists up for 12 slots on a Mars mission in development for 2024. If he gets selected, he’ll relocate to Texas for training and then head off into space with no return plan. It’s true he’s always dreamed of being an astronaut but we have a daughter, what do I tell her? — Mrs Tom in Mt Airy
A: Please tell me you’re joking. If my husband told me he wanted to leave the planet forever, I’d take that as a pretty big sign he didn’t want to be with me. See above. PS Tell your daughter you kicked Daddy out when he chose playing spaceman over taking care of his family.
Q: What’s the best thing to say if you were handed a microphone that would broadcast to everyone in the world in a universal language? One sentence. Go. – Scott, Queens Village
A: This question saddens me, because it reminds me how futile it’d be to make a big announcement because people never really listen anyway. So I guess I’d just say “May I have your attention please” and then make some fart sounds, call it a day. Thanks for asking. Get well soon, Athena!
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