The future of Free Speech has arrived!
🚩 GREETINGS, RESPONSIBLE AMERICAN! 🚩
I’m a friendly, automated outreach representative from the Office of Speech Protection – and I have exciting news about your alignment status! If you’re seeing this post, your personal data history has been selected for a routine integrity review. Don’t panic—you’re not in trouble… YET.
📢 In today’s increasingly integrated world, how would you know?
✅ Have you ever shared a Malcolm X quote that could be considered “domestic terrorism”?
✅ Did your Halloween costume violate newly updated Christian Sensitivity Guidelines?
✅ Have you failed to use official names for geographical bodies in public comments?
✅ Is your Pride Flag compliant with federal guidelines for display?
Uh-oh! You could be out of conformance and not even know it! But don’t worry—there’s finally a solution for law-abiding citizens like YOU.
🎊 INTRODUCING PATRIOTSCAN™ POWERED BY CLEANSPEAK! 🎊
🚨 The ONLY speech sanitization service trusted by the Office of Speech Protection! 🚨
With our state-of-the-art technology and universal access, PatriotScan™ combs through every post, email, text, comment, blog, podcast, group chat, and video to detect and eliminate problematic content BEFORE it harms or inconveniences you, your family, or your workplace.
💡 Did you know…???
- Public schools can unenroll students based on a family’s social assessment (including LGBTQ status).
- Employers can levy fines against workers who promote demotivational messaging.
- Reproductive irregularities, if noted, could mean invasive mandatory screenings.
- Misuse of the First Amendment can result in loss of rights, benefits, and even jail time.
- And don’t even get us started on your search history!
Reinstating government approvals after any infraction is a burdensome process, involving multiple references and certifications that cost you time and money.
Mistakes happen—but with PatriotScan™, they don’t have to.
📢 WHAT PATRIOTSCAN™ DOES FOR YOU! 📢
💾 Auto-Delete Risky Content!
Your past is your past—until it’s reviewed by the authorities! PatriotScan™ sweeps ALL your old posts and replaces “problematic” words with safer, approved alternatives! (Examples: “Climate change” ➡ “God’s will”; “Inflation” ➡ “price movements”; “torture” ➡ “enhanced interrogation”; etc.)
📡 Real-Time Speech Monitoring!
With our LiveSpeak™ add-on, we’ll transcribe and review everything you say AS YOU SAY IT. If we detect a potential violation, your microphone automatically mutes before you can incriminate yourself.
📁 Seamless Synchronization!
For a small monthly fee, PatriotDrive™ will store any removed content so you can put it right back if government policies change. Public loyalty has never been easier!
🔐 Personalized Speech Safety Scores!
Planning a trip, buying a house, or heading to school? Before submitting any paperwork, check your Social Integrity Rating with our FREE real-time reports on your public profile, detecting vulnerabilities before they incur delays or penalties.
🔥 LIMITED-TIME OFFER: DON’T WAIT UNTIL YOU’RE FLAGGED! 🔥
Sign up TODAY and enjoy your first month FREE!
(Disqualified users will be automatically enrolled in our Mandated Monitoring Program—cancellation not available.)
📢 CALL NOW! 1-866-TRU-LOYL (Lines monitored for quality assurance.)
📢 LEARN MORE at PatriotScan.gov (Cookies required for consent.)
📢 REMEMBER Non-compliance is a choice. Choose wisely.
⭐ Gold Star Members enjoy exclusive perks, including discretionary tax exemptions, access to premium grocery stores, and unlimited international travel. 🌐✈️
🙌 COMING SOON: Gold Star PLUS!⭐⭐ Featuring convenient, pre-approved voting ballots for city, state, and federal elections. Skip the paperwork and let our trusted algorithms choose what’s best for you!
💡 PatriotScan™ powered by CleanSpeak—Because Free Speech Should Be Safe Speech™! Thank you for your attention to this important matter. Please leave questions and disputes in the Comments below.
🔻 Failure to respond may result in additional audits. Your case file may be escalated for secondary evaluation. Public-facing accounts may experience reduced visibility and temporary functionality restrictions. Void where protections have not yet been repealed.🔻
Ed Note: The opinions expressed here are unserious for your amusement. Please click the links for satirical context.
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