Worst Case Scenario Bingo

A told-you-so game for radical times. 

Whether you were delighted when you woke up on November 6th or devastated, one thing’s for sure: the next few years are going to be… memorable. Why not have some fun with it? Introducing Worst Case Scenario Bingo, the game we’re all playing whether we like it or not. 🙌🎲🖤

✔️ Check off these time-tested hallmarks of creeping autocracy as a daring new chapter unfolds in American history. Wherever we’re going, we’re going together! Who knows? We might even get five in a row before the power’s cut off! 🤣🤣🤣

In addition to the 25 items on the Bingo Card below, we’ve included an extra row’s worth of feasible developments in the event you’re moved to randomize your own cards for multiplayer fun. We recommend keeping the Free Space in the middle – as all worst-case scenarios rely on this one crucial power move that paves the way for historic change: ⚠️ DECLARING AN EMERGENCY. 🦺

⏳It starts as a “temporary measure” to handle a crisis, but somehow those emergency powers become the new normal. Basic rights and personal freedoms become suspended indefinitely. Look for vague extensions like “until stability is restored,” which — spoiler alert — never really happens. There’s little public outcry, because we’ve been scared into believing it’s for our own safety. And also the military is enforcing it. 🪖🚔😬

From here, Worst Case Scenario Bingo imagines a variety of likely developments in the coming civil disruption. Click on the links for historical context from across the political spectrum. Use your own judgement when awarding a space, and remember: cheating is pointless, as there really are no winners here. Relax and enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you saw it all coming. 👀👀👀 Let’s begin!

EXECUTIVE OVERREACH  Watch as laws are passed faster than a toddler with a Sharpie on your new couch. Keep an eye out for phrases like “domestic security” and “streamlining democracy.” Bonus points if they dissolve Congress entirely and call it “efficiency reform.” Bingo Moment: When the Constitution gets a makeover to include convenient workarounds for certain amendments, as per “public mandate.”  

MEDIA TAKEOVER  Hey look your favorite local newsroom has been replaced by state-sanctioned infotainment. Now the nightly news features glowing tributes to the Leader and spooky stories about various “enemies of the people”. Any remaining independent journalists will find themselves “reassigned” to remote Alaskan fishing blogs. Bingo Moment: When a news anchor looks directly into the camera and says, “We’re so lucky to have this strong leadership guiding us.”

INSTANT JUSTICE Why waste time with trials, evidence, or due process? With its new streamlined judicial system, the party can arrest, convict, and sentence faster than you can say “kangaroo court.” Appeals? Sure, if you want to double your punishment. Best to just go along to get along (and avoid investigations in the first place). Bingo Moment: When the judge rules on your trial before you even knew you were busted. Bonus points for pay-per-view tribunals (and executions!)

WEAPONIZED RAGE Nothing brings a radicalized crowd together like fiery language about haters, traitors, invaders, and other threats to party leadership. Watch out for unofficial (but totally encouraged) partisan militias marching the streets in matching outfits, armed to the teeth in defense of “freedom.” It’s all just rhetoric… until it’s not. Bingo Moment: Blaming victims for bringing violence on themselves for being so gosh darn abuse-able.

DISSIDENT BAITING  The cruelty is the point! When people come out to protest egregious laws and government actions, they handily identify themselves as problem citizens to authorities. The better to make an example of you! Expect crackdowns on public assembly, with militant “peacekeeping” and mass detentions. Bingo Moment: When you can’t tell if the officer clubbing you for mouthing off is a cop or a National Guardsman.

INFORMANT CULTURE Look who’s talking! Expect a revival of anonymous tip lines where you can report suspicious activities like…owning books. Or rolling your eyes during Dear Leader’s big speech. Bingo Moment: When someone on your Nextdoor app suggests it’s “actually patriotic” to report on your neighbors.

SPECIAL PERMISSIONS  Papers, please! Mysteriously, all your apps require authentications they didn’t need yesterday. Watch out for “exclusive” party loyalty programs that reward conformity, obedience, and group think. Bingo Moment: When deleting your account triggers a sternly-worded email from an official who knows everything about you.

NEPO BENEFITS  A government of friends and relatives — the only real job qualification is being tight with the boss. Bully for Dear Leader’s unremarkable buddies, offspring, in-laws, and romantic partners, who now run the government, lucrative foreign investments, plus maybe even the military (why not?). Bonus points for media calling it “innovative leadership.” Bingo Moment: When You-Know-Who’s kid secures billions in foreign investment to build a space program – despite flunking high school physics.

CASH CRASH  Currency values thrillingly bounce with the whims of a changing roster of incompetents and enablers. Expect “price stabilization,” punitive taxes, and material shortages. Bonus points for government-issued currencies with patriotic names like “Victory Bucks” or “Freedom Credits.” Bingo Moment: When you need a wheelbarrow to carry the amount of cash required to purchase a loaf of bread on the black market.

SCAPEGOATING Time for some good old-fashioned Us -v- Them rhetoric! Whether it’s immigrants, activists, or that weird guy who naps in his car, someone’s going to take the fall for society’s problems. Bingo Moment: When the town’s hottest new thrift shop is a new government office that redistributes the confiscated property of “relocated” residents.

POLITICIZED WEALTH Prepare for government “partnerships” with private industries that feel suspiciously one-sided. Only the most loyal billionaires keep their portfolios. Sorry, Blue states, no federal grants for you! Ditto nonprofits that fail to align with party ideology. Bingo Moment: When donating to the wrong food pantry counts as sedition.

SHAM POLLS  Elections still happen, but they’re performative. From voter suppression, intimidation, propaganda, and creative districting, the party will tip the polls in their favor. Remember, it’s not about who votes but who counts the votes. Bingo Moment: When voter turnout for the Leader’s next term is 143% and the media calls it a landslide.

FEALTY FESTS  To properly celebrate the party’s awesomeness, attendance at rallies, parades, and other loyalty events will soon become mandatory fun. Miss the memo? Oops — hope you enjoy that extra government inspection of your house/car/life. Bingo Moment: When your boss asks why you didn’t share a selfie from last weekend’s Brave Patriot Banquet.

CULT OF PERSONALITY  Nothing says “power trip” like renaming national landmarks after the Leader, and giant new monuments and museums in their honor! Expect an impressive array of ways to unironically celebrate their greatness. Bingo Moment: When a new face replaces old presidents on our currency (bonus points if a fifth head is carved into Mount Rushmore).

DOGMA GROOMING Goodbye, academics; hello, party-approved religious and moral instruction. Look for schools ditching logic and scientific method in favor of teaching kids loyalty, obedience, and how to recite the national pledge in unison with proper patriotic fervor. Bingo Moment: When your kid’s homework involves an essay on the Leader’s “glorious wisdom” (and/or Christ-like mission).

AGELESS WORKFORCE  Jobs for all, from the sandbox to the sweatshop! Thanks to deregulation, kids can build character through full-time employment in addition to (or instead of) school. Meanwhile, the government saves billions by raising the age for social security benefits, activating senior labor to help keep our nation strong. Bingo Moment: Community grants to host job fairs at elementary schools and nursing homes.

PATRIOT SCIENCE Goodbye, peer-reviewed studies; hello, party approved “facts”! From climate change to gun violence to the impact of immigration, the only stats that matter are the ones that support the state’s agenda. Bingo Moment: When you need the dark web to survive hurricane season.

TATTLE-TALE TECH  Was that your phone taking a picture just now? Why does your smart fridge tally your beer intake? Watch as your devices seem to have a mind of their own, and an interest in tracking your every move. Welcome to the Internet of (Government-Controlled) Things. Bingo Moment: When Alexa refuses to play music until you order the “patriotic” products she’s put in your Amazon cart.

MYTH MAKING  Yay, us! The country is no longer just a collection of real people with flaws and challenges – it’s now a shining beacon of perfection. Textbooks now proclaim a dazzling national narrative of bravery, destiny, and conveniently omitted atrocities, while actual historians are escorted quietly (and permanently) out of the conversation. Bingo Moment: When you realize current events are being rewritten in real time by a state-sponsored bot farm.

HEALTHCARE DARWINISM Toughen up or step aside, citizens! Time to eliminate medical treatments that prolong unproductive lives. Insulin? Chemo? Immunizations? Sorry, medicine is for winners, not whiners. Bingo Moment: When your insurance denies coverage for “Unpatriotic pre-existing conditions.”

FREEDOM 2.0  If you’re in the right demographic, you’ll probably get to hang onto your personal liberty (at least for awhile). But for everyone else, it’s time for unconstitutional rulings, arbitrary arrests, surprise searches, and some light harassment — or heavy, depending on the mood. Look for new laws so vague they might as well just say, “We’ll know it when we see it.” Bingo Moment: Social media debates over whether “standing quietly” constitutes resisting arrest.

NEW TABOOS Think our classic books and movies are safe? Our favorite local papers? Ha! Anything that doesn’t glorify the regime is quietly banned, replaced, or mysteriously erased. Say goodbye to “dangerous” ideas like, you know, history, social justice and critical thinking. Bingo Moment: When the new bestseller is titled Why Our Leader Is Never Wrong, Ever.

LOYALTY MERCH Get your party-branded hats, shirts, and lawn signs now — unless you’re some kind of weirdo who needs an attitude adjustment. Bonus points if workplaces sponsor “voluntary” patriotic gear days to show your enthusiasm for the movement. Bingo Moment: When red, white, and blue are the hottest colors of the season, every season.

MOOD MANDATES  Feeling cranky about the economy or your family’s healthcare options? Too bad. Social media posts are now monitored for “appropriate enthusiasm,” and those that aren’t glowing enough might find their accounts mysteriously flagged. Bingo Moment: When Facebook suspends you indefinitely for a sarcastic meme you shared in 2014.

ENLIST OR ELSE Joining the military is totally optional — except when it’s not. Subtle incentives like college tuition, job security, and avoiding sudden visits from the authorities will make enlisting seem very attractive. Bingo Moment: When your peers start signing up “just to avoid any trouble.”

SKY SNITCHES  Those aren’t birds — they’re drones. And they can go everywhere! Watch for an uptick in flying robots “monitoring traffic patterns” or “improving public safety” while absolutely spying on your backyard barbecue (or following you into the woods). Bingo Moment: When the drone zooms in to scan the cover of the New Yorker you’re reading in the park.

SLEAZE CIRCUS  Step right up to the never-ending spectacle of public outrage! Scandals aren’t mistakes, they’re strategy. While the media froths and pearl-clutches, the party quietly rewrites key rules of society. Bingo Moment: When the news spends a month dissecting a politician’s saucy vacation pics while human rights vanish without a headline.

ASSIGNED WORK  Goodbye, unemployment! If you can’t find a job, the state will provide one for you. How do you feel about picking produce or working in a retail warehouse? Bonus if you’re cleared for a residential position at a shiny new state prison/encampment. Bingo Moment: When the boss slashes your pay and benefits, but you’re just grateful to still have weekends off (for now).

BORDER FIXATION What started as basic domestic security measures is now… everywhere. Expect walls (and paperwork) to pop up in the weirdest places, along with military checkpoints “for your safety.” Bingo Moment: When you need ID just to cross state lines for your grandma’s birthday party (bonus points if they make you unwrap her present for inspection).

RANDOM PURGES  No dystopian bingo would be complete without an arbitrary “cleansing” of disloyal supporters in the ranks. One day, you’re the regime’s best friend, and the next, you’re on the wrong end of a blacklist. Keep your head down, champ. Bingo Moment: When the party announces, “We’re cleaning house” – again — and now last year’s heroes are today’s traitors (and nobody’s seen the nuclear football in weeks 😬😬😬💣).

⭐ CONGRATULATIONS ⭐ You’re now well-equipped to spot all the greatest hits of authoritarianism as they unfold in real time. Don’t forget: if you fill your Bingo card, share it on social media to let your friends know you’re as “excited” about the future as they are!

Just do it anonymously…you know, just in case. 😉

Remember: it’s all fun and games until someone rewrites the First Amendment. Happy playing!

What do you think? Lots more info in the links provided, and do please feel free to add your own Bingo Items in the COMMENTS below.