❄️🎉✨ Hello, JANUARY — a fresh page, a clean slate, and the shiny-bright start of a brand-new year! 🌨️ Whether you’re boldly embracing resolutions or quietly tiptoeing into 2025, this is the month for beginnings and big dreams. 🥂
The first full moon of the year—the Wolf Moon—rises on the 13th 🌕🐺 under the nurturing and intuitive sign of Cancer ♋, inviting us to reflect inwardly while keeping loved ones close at heart. Meanwhile, January also brings a flurry of quirky celebrations to keep spirits high in the chill of winter: cuddle up for National Hot Tea Day 🍵 (1/12), explore creativity on International Kite Day 🪁 (1/14), and pay homage to Winnie the Pooh on his creator’s birthday 🐻🍯 (1/18). And let’s put our butter-scented hands together, please, for National Popcorn Day 🍿 (1/19) with a toast to salty snacks (and snow day matinees). 🥂☃️🎥
Here’s to a month of frosty mornings, warm drinks, and the spark of possibilities. Let’s make it a January to remember! ✨❄️
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Sheila, every year we say we’re gonna start our walks again, but we never do. I’m thinking though if we join some kind of group, that’ll add another layer of accountability. Worth a shot! And anyway the first step is virtual so we don’t even have to get our fat asses off the couch lol!!!! Wed Jan 8 (5 – 5:30pm). @WeWalkPHL for zoom link.
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Stay Gold! Post-Holiday bargains on festive, succulent, artisan urine cakes. Touch of class for special events, at home or on the town. Ask about custom messaging by The Tinkler.
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Day before NYE: You rolled into the Meineke waiting room, asked how long I had been there, laughed when I said “too long.” I tried to telepathically tell you to follow me out for a smoke, but you failed to receive the message. I was writing you a note when you walked out and left in a red car, so I crumpled up the paper and ate it. If you see this, I’m Dale. ~ Dale
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Dear Humans. The annual Winter Bird Census takes place January 11 at the @SchuylkillCenter. 🐦 Food and drinks will be served (for you, not us), and birders of all levels are welcome to awkwardly spy on us with binoculars. Try not to mess up the count—it’s our future on the line. Signed, Your Local Songsters
Regrets? I’ve had a few. 🎶🍸 Honestly, too many to recall. If there’s a decision, I will 💯 make the wrong choice. All that energy I put into trying to please you, for instance. And off you went. Ha. Can’t wait to see what new mistakes I’ll make in ‘25. To hell with everyone. 💩🔥🗑️ ~ Frankie’s Gone
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Late Christmas eve, Trevose. You were just a bit of a thing, weaving in the cold, caroling to yourself down Hazel Ave. Three sheets to the wind, but still the sweetest voice ever. Wouldn’t take a ride but you took requests, so I kept you singing until you got home safe. Just want you to know I enjoyed the concert. 👏👏👏 ~Good Sam
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The journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. So does falling into a ditch and breaking your neck. #Happy2025 🎈🎉✨
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Going once, going twice… 🃏 SAT JAN 11 🎫 Who needs eBay when you can feel the thrill of a live auction? Classic bid callers, cut-throat rivalries, and 400+ bulk lots ripe for the taking. Sports cards & memorabilia, all yours—if you’ve got the guts (and the paddle). Free public event at the Greater Phila Expo Center. Don’t just watch—win. 🏆 @thecollectorconnection
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Cherry Hill Marissa, this regards the plot we hatched in Cavanaugh’s potty regarding two lofty guys who were also extremely plastered. Hope you remember what you’re supposed to do when you see this. ~ W. Wink
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If you think that other countries are only sending their drug dealers and rapists, but also worry that immigrants are going to steal your job… What the hell do you do for a living? 🤷
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They say love is messy, but I never expected to find it scrubbing animal waste! 🧹😍 Wow though it’s a real singles scene at the @SchuylkillCenter’s wildlife “Clinic Cleaners” nights, where the scrubbing is deep and steamy. Gloves & gratitude provided. Sign-up required, no walk-ins (18+ only). THURS JAN 16
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The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there. – L.P. Hartley, English novelist (1895-1972)
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You brought me a donut and hot coffee on a freezing day in Frankford, outside a Dollar Tree, where I was getting paid peanuts to stand there in a cheap-ass Santa suit, waving customers in like a dope. Now I feel bad for letting you call me “Mr. Kringle,” and making up all those stories about elves. Were you even believing me or was it just the world’s best deadpan? ~ Ho Ho Huh?
People like to talk shit about screen time today as if we were all engaged in some intellectual pursuit as children and not just hitting a tennis ball against a garage until Three’s Company came on. #OGslackers
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Mayfair Walgreens: Old school Linda in line for prescriptions (mid Dec). You gave off a frazzled, don’t-f-with-me energy. Covered in dog fur, not a stitch of makeup. Still wearing a mask! Walking by, you laughed and said “dopple ganger” (which I had to look up). So now I’m in crisis b/c you’re right, omg, I’m that lady too!!! And once you see it, you see us everywhere. 👀👀👀 ~ Life Ensured
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To the customer in the Fiction section of Barnes & Noble (Chestnut) who recommended “A Little Life” to me, after we had the best conversation: Thank you! I haven’t enjoyed talking to someone that much in forever. And to think I’d just popped in to use the restroom. ~ Miss Kindle
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You caught me scratching my bare foot at Valley Forge Casino. I was trying to be discreet but it was itching real bad so I knelt down and took my boot off in the Skunks Gone Wild slots. And yeah I wasn’t wearing socks and now I need you to delete those pics, freak. ~ Ms. Grippers
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With every step, they turn a head: cutie with a poochie, impeccably bred. The bitch got style, the queen’s pure class. Wherever they go, they bring the sass. 1-2-3-4-SASSY! ~ Double Dutch Diva
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Wonka Unplugged ⚡ 🎩🖤 Presenting! My first original product in generations! Reality Bites™ are gold-wrapped chocolates infused with fine spirits, tickly jitters, and real existential butterflies. Unlimited tastings at the Philly Chocolate, Wine & Whiskey Fest, alongside a carnival of other boozy, fudgy delights. SAT JAN 25 🍫🥃 @chocolatewinewhiskey
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I heard about a generous person who paid the $50 co-pay for another person‘s medication in the Rite Aid on Chelten Avenue. The individual you helped, gentle person, was over the moon with joy on their walk home. You will be appreciated for weeks, if not months, to come. 🙏🙏🙏 ~ E.H.
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“Faith” is a fine invention / For gentlemen who see — / But microscopes are prudent / In an emergency. – Emily Dickinson, American poet (1830-1886)
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Red-clad skater, subway surfing in a crowded PATCO car, making eyes at each other when the other one wasn’t looking. Spent so long trying to get a read on you that I missed my stop. Your positive energy followed me all day. You deserve blessings I would be honored to bestow. ~ Father Pretext
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People are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow. #dadjokes
⚠️🌳 Attention, Andrew the Arborist! I’m coming on your FREE woods walk, and we’ll see who really knows their trees. You’ve got 173K YouTube subscribers, sure, but I’m Trevor the Tree Guy, baby. And this arboretum? Not big enough for the both of us. The ultimate throwdown: SAT JAN 25, 11am @SchuylkillCenter.
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🐄 In Memoriam: Shamcow 🖤🤍 Gone are the days when our gray barriers mooed with life, transformed by this local visionary’s udder genius. You turned dreary concrete into pastures of whimsy —and joy. We won’t forget you, Shamcow. May your splotches never fade. ~ Herd’s the Word
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Dr. Root’s Weed Therapy SAT | JAN 18 | 10AM: Stressed? Anxious? Overwhelmed? Burn off that negative energy by ripping out invasive plants at the @SchuylkillCenter. These bullies are crowding out native species without a shred of remorse. 😡 🌱 Let’s get ‘em! No experience necessary; rage, restore, and reconnect with nature, in one healing swoop.
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Putting myself out there in 2025! Work keeps me busy, but it’s time to make space for meaningful connections. Go slow and build something lasting with the right person. Hell yeah I want a wife, kids, house, the whole shebang. Sending out love to all, hoping some will come back. ~ Johnny Monogamy
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OK Produce Pete, it was a lot of things, alright? But you brought over those deformed apples, “pairs” I think you called them, but they weren’t in pairs, they was three stupid-looking apples. Tasted a little funny too. Weird texture. What gives? I’ll tell you what’s not a pair, though: you and me. ~ Bacon Barb
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🤓 Word of the Day 🔎 RECRUDESCENCE /rēkro͞oˈdes(ə)ns/ (noun): the return of something terrible after a time of reprieve. #24Cwords
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Looking back, I’m like of course there’s some etiquette for when you run into someone at a thrift shop who is dressed in clothing you previously donated. Pointing and shouting “Those are my pants!” was definitely not the way to go, nor was offering my editorial opinions on how you had accessorized. Sorry! I understand now why you said that. ~ Miss Diagnoz #ASD
Alright, Justin. You like games? Let’s play. So you want your mom’s diamonds back. Fine. There’s a scale model of her hometown at this year’s miniature train show in Oaks (1/11). Text me a photo, and I’ll mark the spot where they’re buried. Probably. Happy hunting. More clues @trainshow
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KofP, Williams Sonoma. We spoke briefly. There was a guy with a teapot. No Christmas for him. WHY???? You have nice long hair and when I complimented you, you made a joke about Crystal Gayle. WHO???? ~ Confused but Curious
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I wanted to say thank you to everyone who had me come to carol for them on Christmas Day, I had a real blast. If you or someone you know is looking to learn to sing in 2025, please look no further! I teach all ages, with reasonable rates. Private voice lessons in my Germantown studio, or I can come to you for a small additional fee. @Aaron.Bigeleisen
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Pets Get Hungry Too — Philly has several pet pantries for residents experiencing hardship who are in need of food for their pets. Register at phillypaws.org and acctphilly.org 🐶🐱🩷
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Dr. Dina’s Social Tip #375: Establish dominance at a new neighbor’s housewarming party by commanding, “Alexa, read my internet history aloud.” #OwnTheRoom
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With Respect (across from the University) We had an interesting conversation about right and wrong, and I hinted that I would be excited for some clear communication. You said I might have to wait a long time. So that’s puzzling. You just want to have fun, but I know you have feelings for me. Obviously I have feelings for you. Not super into playing otherwise. Babe, there’s legitimate options for two or more people who love each other, if you ever want to talk about them. ~ Polly A.
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I was trapped overnight in a snowglobe factory. I’m OK, just a little shaken. #dadjokes
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Dear Future Opponent: your impressive skills are needed for an epic boardgame smackdown at Strawberry Mansion Reservoir, Sat Jan 25th (1-4pm). Catan, Wingspan, Forbidden Island—your move. 🦆 Bonus points if you can ID the ducks wintering nearby while plotting your next strategy. Hot chocolate and glory await, along with incredible views. It’s ON! Junco Janice (DVOC) 🐦✨@TheDiscoveryCenter
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Love at First Sight at Ultimo (12/7) Random meeting, we connected hard, it turned into dinner at White Yak. A fantastic date, we agreed! I promised to call but then on the way home getting gas, some guy stole my backpack and my phone was in it. Now you probably think I’m blowing you off, Kayla, but I really wish you could call me so I can explain. ~ Brandon
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This is for Mr. and Mrs. Angelo Lutz, beneath the black marble gravestone when you turn into Westminster Cemetery off Belmont Ave. A cop was tailing me and the graveyard was my next left so I turned in but so did he, so I pulled over and ran to the first grave I saw (yours) and broke down crying until he left. Thanks for being there for me. ~ Jeff at the Bala CVS
Can’t stop thinking about the tall, strapping red-head with the striking calf tattoo. You caught my eye on the Orange line one cold dark rush hour – I’m obsessed! Is that a raccoon? Is it demonic? Electrified? Mickey Mouse??? Whatever! Just please consider entering one of the Ugly Tattoo contests at this year’s Tattoo Arts Fest (JAN 19 – 21). You’re a shoo-in! PS I’ll do your hype for 10% of your winnings! Call me! ~ Ash @villainarts.com
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Well Jesse I guess we found out the hard way you’re inexplicably not cool with my Starfleet uniforms, worn officially of course: Mess Dress, Shore Leave, Bridge duty and Away Team missions. It’s not like I don’t have the Commander’s permission! What’s wrong with YOU is the question. ~ petaQ
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Looking for a bruja or other practitioner willing to curse the a**hole who thought my car charger and registration were worth smashing my window at the Germantown station, causing $400 in repairs. #Wrong12Fwith 🤬🔮🖤✨💀🕯️
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Ryan – I knew you were the one when I saw you take the air keytar solo when A Flock of Seagulls’ song was ROCKING the party. Something about Pakistan or Iran or something. I swooned all over the place instantly. PLEASE tell me you really play lead keytar. My god, I gotta change my underwear. ~ Bedeković Babe
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Black Tie Tailgate Time — The Auto Show’s back in town this month, but it seems like only yesterday you were shimmering insouciantly in your silver gown, reflected in the gleaming chrome of a hundred luxury cars. We promised we’d keep in touch; we promised a lot of things, Mrs. Glitz. Or is it Miss, now? Did you ever follow through? I’ll have my usual booth, stop by if you can. JAN 11 – 20 @phillyautoshow
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So I dunno they arrested me for a “salt battery” — ??? No idea what that is, but I sure didn’t have no batteries, let alone a salt one. No crime here! So let’s just go get drunk and stuff. After you bail me out. ~ Zebbie
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People on Youtube like “the best way to reheat leftover pizza is in a cast iron skillet with some olive oil and wait for it to get hot…” like I didn’t already start eating it before the refrigerator door closed. 🤣 🍕🍕🍕 Thinking of you, Jax.
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An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough. #dadjokes
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