🎄❄️✨ Hello, DECEMBER — the final chapter of 2024! Frosty mornings and twinkling lights set the scene for both reflection and revelry. 🌨️🔥 While winter officially arrives with the solstice on the 21st, the cozy glow of the holiday season has already taken hold. The last full moon of the year—the Cold Moon—will grace the skies on the 15th 🌕, under the curious and communicative sign of Gemini 🧠♊, adding an extra sparkle to year-end gatherings. 🎁✨ Alongside the familiar festive traditions, December has its quirky celebrations, too: pretend to be fancy on Faux Fur Friday 🧥 (12/6), reconnect with old friends and family on National Ding-a-Ling Day 🔔 (12/12), and channel your inner Will Farrell on Answer the Phone Like Buddy the Elf Day 📞🎅 (12/18). Finish the year strong with National Chocolate-Covered Anything Day 🍫 (12/16) and, of course, Ugly Sweater Day 🧶 (12/20). Here’s to a month of warmth, wonder, and a bit of whimsy! 🥂🧣🌟🎉
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Day Drinking to Distraction — I introduced him to Advocaat cocktails and he taught me how RumChata makes shots that taste like breakfast cereal. The day passed in confusing, hilarious flashes. Been almost year now and my dash is still sticky. 😝 Thinking of you, especially when I turn the heater on. Tis the season again? ~ Spirits (and Secrets)
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Believe me, Maureen, after we were trapped in that airplane restroom for 8 hours, I too never want to fly again. But we can still travel around the world this Christmas! Look, a bunch of old Fairmount Park mansions are getting gussied up to celebrate the holidays thru different cultures: Caribbean, Japanese and Southeast Asian. There’s special food, shopping, performances, and more. Just $5 the first weekend (12/7 & 8) and FREE on the 14th —let’s surprise Brad and the girls! myphillypark.org
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November Frost: Hey I don’t know when you lost interest but it’s super uncool to stand someone up for a date, and then totally ghost them, and freeze them out of all your social media. OK, seems you’re on a different dating journey than I am, whatever dude it’s still not a chill thing to do. Peace. #StoneCold
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Big Deck Energy – great estimates on custom outdoor construction that’s built to last. Quality materials for attractive, low-maintenance builds using Trex Decking, vinyl railings, and durable skirting. Call Sean 610-637-8415 @CohenConstruction (a family biz 45+ years)
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Looking for a warm-blooded body that’s ripe for action. Lie back and surrender, as I take you to bed and have my way with you. I will make you groan and sweat, you will shake so hard your body aches, begging me to stop! When I am finished, you will be weak for days after. Sincerely, The Flu #NoVaxx4u
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Here I Am! 🎶🙌 Looking for Dr. Jay! We met at the Air Supply concert at Parx Xcite, in the 2nd row, where you sat beside me with two girls from your office (it was the younger one’s birthday). Still thinking about the dance we shared at the end of the night. Could we be Two Less Lonely People in the World? Or am I Making Love Out of Nothing at All? ❤️🔥💔🎶 #LifeSupport
So the Black Squirrel bar suddenly closed in East Falls because the owner said he was retiring. Now he’s still marketing the name as a pop-up cocktail bar at his other local spot, In Riva. Doesn’t sound like retirement to me! Good luck I guess but I never cared for the guy. #shadyaf
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Just keeping it real. Cried a lot today. I’m always sad on my birthday, don’t know why. But thank you all for the birthday greetings. ~ Tears for Years 💧📅🕯️ #AndManyMore
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Chief Barbara Bluejay of PA’s Lenape Nation hosts this winter’s solstice celebration in a 300+ acre local nature sanctuary. Make wreaths and other seasonal crafts, while connecting with others and our shared humanity. SAT DEC 21, tix $30 (group discounts available). Hope you like fresh air, hot chocolate, and good stories! (2 – 5pm) schuylkillcenter.org
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🙌📚🎄Celebrate Jolabokaflod 2024!! Literally translated as “Christmas Book Flood”, it’s the Islandic tradition of giving, receiving, and reading books on Christmas Eve, often while enjoying chocolate and warm drinks. Fun Fact: Half the country’s population reads 8+ books a year! #HoHoProse
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Was that you at Marshalls, Peggy dear? It was a Monday, around 4pm. That had to be you, it’s no use pretending. What I don’t understand is, how we all went to your funeral in 2021 (I even made Mom’s potato salad!) But now you’re alive and well and hiding out in a discount retail chain again? Seriously!?! Call me or I’m telling. ~ Dipsie
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Maggie: Please don’t worry, you and Jay care for each other. Age is just a number, as insignificant as the number of days you’ve known each other. Follow your heart! You will make my son a fine wife. Also, I need him out of my basement. You two are made for each other, I’m sure you’ll be happy wherever you go. ~ Big Al
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Show, Don’t Tell: Desiree my darling, you may be prim but you’re sure as hell not proper. I give you credit for knowing it. So you’ve got that going for you, along with my shameless fascination. What’s next? Can’t wait. 🚬 #Breathless (Germantown)
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No drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed, and love of power. – P.J. O’Rourke, writer (1947 – 2022)
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So much depends on a girl in a brown coat and black fishnets. Her perfectly-parted hair a dark frame for the pensive weight of her face. November a gray pause around us, a breath, waiting in the raw morning for the 64 bus. So sweet and so cold. ~ W.C. Williams
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RIP Marcus Von Heppinstall, gone too soon at 65. Marcus was the kind of neighbor who made our community better just by being in it. He dedicated so much of his time and energy to uplifting others, always with warmth and humility. I’ll never forget his posse of chihuahuas — a parade of joy! Rest easy, Marcus — you will be deeply missed. ~ Germantown Locals 🌟🐾
Parent Tip: local dog shows are a fun and affordable one-stop excursion for the whole family. So much to see and do! A dazzling array of breeds, and exciting demos from obedience to agility to scent work, herding, and more. With food, vendors, and free parking. DEC 4 – 8, tix $10/$5 (discounts online) valleyforgekc.org
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I was running late for my job at Bradley Contraptions, when I ran into you down at the whatsit there. Can’t believe you work at Griswold’s Gizmos, our fiercest competitor since Doodad Dave’s shuttered in ’21. HOT!!! I know I turned you down before but it’s like we’re a modern-day Romeo and Juliet now. Call me! ~ Miss Thingie
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WIFE: You got kicked out of the craft store for coating your testicles with glitter?!
HUSBAND: Pretty nuts, huh? 🤣🤣🤣 #dadjokes
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Mi Amor! I’m not usually one to eavesdrop but I was helplessly captivated, overhearing you beautifully speaking several different languages as you expertly guided a band of international tourists through the aisles at Reading Terminal. Ooh là là how the rhythms of your voice cascaded through me so deliciously. At 37 years old, I have finally discovered my kink! You know who you are — come talk to me, habibi. ~ Polyglot Groupie
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West Philly Square Dancing (11/9) You wore a frilly white top with gingham trim straight outta He Haw. I was rocking the spoons with my friend Archie on the fiddle, playing long into the afterparty. Just want to clarify that I totally got your “hoedown” joke but I thought it improper to laugh in mixed company. Best wishes, hope we’ll allemande left again soon. ~ Gentleman Caller
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🛍️🚧 Anything Goes Sure, you’ll find scented candles, gourmet treats, and artisan gifts at the downtown Christmas Village, but what if a new kitchen is on your list this year, too? At the 1st Annual Oaks Holiday Market, a baffling array of vendors vie for your holiday dollars, both small businesses and commercial enterprises. Everything from Tiny Tails Popup to Andersen Windows & Doors (you get the picture). Free entry, incl parking. DEC 7 & 8 whitmoyerevents.com
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ℹ️ Holiday Tip: instead of gingerbread men, bake voodoo doll cookies. Make it count this year when you start snapping off limbs. 🦵🦵🦵😈 #YuleWitch
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Comcast Center (11/19): this is for guy dropping off my DoorDash, who called out my orange sweater for some reason. And now the whole office is calling me Tang, real funny and also NSFW the way the sales guys say it. Thanks, I need a new job now. ~ Flaming Out
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Say cheese. You were my Indian Queen, Conrad. Those big brown eyes, that tiny shaved head. I am your secret admirer. I had on a gray shirt and tan slacks. My smile is very distinctive (hint: gums!). Our hands brushed in line for the bathroom. I still haven’t washed. ~ Cranky
I’ll be darned, Jenny. There IS such a thing as a Massage-à-Trois. And while it’s not nearly as awkward as I expected, it’s still an inappropriate gift for Dad. I know he’s been lonely lately but this isn’t something you can spring on a guy, trust me. Let’s just get him a foot rub, I have a groupon we can use. ~ Frere Jacques
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Does anyone know Joan Moore in Havertown? We worked at the Roy Rogers in Bryn Mawr together in the 70’s. I am trying to reconnect as I owe her an apology for possibly getting her fired for eating all the pickles in the Fixins Bar when actually it was me. I didn’t know it but I was pregnant at the time with her brother’s kid. It’s a long story, thanks if you can help. ~ Kathy G.
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Patience is also a form of action. ~ Auguste Rodin, sculptor (1840-1917)
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Hey there to the kind East Falls neighbor who drives the blue Subaru that hit my brand-new car on lower Calumet Street (11/23). If you want to do the right thing and give me your insurance info, that’d be super swell. This way I can give you back your mirror cover, instead of ramming it up your butt if I catch you myself. Thanks! ~ Mr Paul
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Typo or Irony? For the gentleman in the lobby of Rittenhouse Savoy: the branding on your logo tee appeared to advertise “Geritol” vitamins but the text clearly read “Genital” which made me laugh out loud. Couldn’t tell from your face if you were in on the joke, and it’s been bothering me ever since. If you see this, please let me know. ~ Amazon Girl
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🔥 Burn, baby, burn!🔥Now through Jan 17th, the Schuylkill Center’s powerful new exhibit honors the creative properties of fire. Mon- Sat (9 – 5) Free Admission. DON’T MISS: Winter Artist Market Dec 7th, when the gallery fills with local wares and fine art for sale. 8480 Hagy’s Mill Road @schuylkillcenter
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IKEA (S. Philly): My order of Swedish Meatballs timed out, and you came out from behind the register to help me. Holy lingonberries! Your posture took my breath away, along with your uniform teeth. Your face’s remarkable symmetry now inhabits my dreams and inspires me that there is, indeed, perfection in this world. If you would do me this honor, I would love to admire you over a zesty plate of Surströmming! ~ Mr. Malm
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Today is the first day of the rest of your life. But then so was yesterday, and look how that turned out. #dadjokes
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🎮🎯Hello, HavocHawk11, it is I, ShadowFox69 — or should I say Doug, as that is my name outside of Fortnite, where you constantly box me in like some cruel, pixelated zookeeper. You steal my legendary loot just to watch me suffer. Imagine my surprise when I realized the smiling woman at Frankin’s was the same person who dances on my digital grave with the “Take the L” emote after every elimination. Now that I know your real-life identity, I have only one question: will you still laugh at me if I buy the next round? 🤔🍺🍺
HOLIDAY RECIPE FOR COOL AUNTS (kids love ’em!)
Dip pretzel sticks in melted white chocolate, leaving about an inch bare at one end. Add red food coloring to remaining melted white chocolate, then dip in the opposite ends. While still warm, dab with black and white sugar. Serve in a festive ash tray. #BadInfluence
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🕊️🌎 Why celebrate peace on earth when you can stock up on firepower instead? 🎯 Eagle’s Christmas Gun Show hits town Dec 20–22, bringing ammo, tactical gear, and a bunker’s worth of questionable goodwill toward man. Because nothing says “season of giving” like a 12-gauge under the tree. 🎅🔫 #DeckTheHallsWithBullets 😬 @eagleshows
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💍If Santa might bring you a ring this year, plan now for the Philly Bridal & Wedding Expo JAN 4 & 5 at the Convention Center. The city’s best professionals for the nuptials of your dreams. $10 at the door, but admission is FREE if you rsvp online. @bridalshowspa
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This is Jorge. To anyone I hurt this year, I just want to say. You deserved it. Stop playing with me. #FAFO
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I’ll be damned, Susan. When you said your brother was “certified boyfriend material,” I didn’t realize you had papers to prove it. I’m gonna need some time to verify these credentials, obviously, but if everything checks out I’ll be happy to fast-track him into my Holiday Plus-One rotation with optional extended commitment (pending performance reviews). Thanks! Donna #QualityControl
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Need to tire out a toddler? Same. That’s why I’ve been dragging my whirlwind of chaos to @schuylkillcenter for sensory play. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday mornings, 9:30–11. We walk, we sing, we paint (or at least smear colors on things). My kid loves it; I survive it. If you see someone in a coffee-stained hoodie trying to keep their toddler from eating a pinecone, that’s me. Come say hi! $25 drop-ins. Bring snacks. For you. Not them. #Sprouts
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Oh Diana. Why must I sleep when you dance in the velvet night? Your crescent smile a secret shared among the stars. Testing the strength of your attraction, in the tides and in my heart. Of all the whispered vows your luminous spell invokes, it’s the promise of eternal romance that keeps me faithful for your return. My heavenly nocturne, my lunar joy. ~ Mr. Moonstruck
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TRUE STORY: Finland has virtually eradicated homelessness by unconditionally providing citizens in need a small apartment and mental health support. 80% successfully integrate into society, gaining jobs, housing, sobriety, and peace. #HomeForTheHolidays
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🔌⚡To the outgoing guy waiting with me in the electronics department at Target 11/27: You sparked my interest until you short-circuited over a discount that didn’t apply to the item you were purchasing. 🔋✨ Sorry my number was fake, but if you can’t read a sales flyer, what other life skills are you missing? 🤔 #WorthyUp
I’ve been looking for my husband’s killer for 15 years. No one will take the job, though. 🤣 #momjokes
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BAITED🎣 Late, late Friday. Fishing on the steps at Midvale (11/23). You: red cooler, warm hands, chicken hearts for the catfish (that you fed the rats instead). Me: nice girl from G-town who finds you hilarious. We snuck beers onto the bus home, like teenagers or hobos. Why haven’t I seen you again? ~ Drea
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First, they came for the trans people, and I spoke out immediately even though I’m straight and CIS because I’ve read the rest of the fuckin poem, duh. Spoiler: this likely all ends very badly. ~ Auntie FaLaLa
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Get this. Her ZOOM background changes frequently, but it’s always some kind of gory crime scene from one of those murder podcasts that are so popular these days. As her supervisor, I had to tell her that wasn’t professional. Well she made a crack about how the other managers told her as much, but they’re no longer around. Joke’s on her, though, homicide is an automatic write-up. ~ Bert in Accounts Receivable
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Mark, remember me? You were too busy for our relationship, wanted to take a break to focus on stuff at work. So who is that skank in your Instagram now? You’re the worst liar ever and I hope you chip your new teeth on her tacky piercings. Karma’s a bitch, you’ll see. ~ Miz Kizmet
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Hello is this where I report the new signs that parking is now $2 at the East Falls train station. TWO BUCKS!!! After 2am, they’ll ticket. Don’t even think about backing in, if they can’t see your plates you’ll be fined $10. Where does the madness end?!! #Tyranny
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🐶🐱 #EmptyTheShelters! Thanks to surprise funding, all adoption fees from now through DEC 13 are just $10. Can’t adopt? You can still save lives by fostering, volunteering, donating, and just spreading the word. MORE INFO: Acctphilly.org 🐾🩷
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As a mom, if I ever find out that my sons are one of these “Your body, my choice” boys, mark my words, I will show you a late-term abortion. 🤬 #MindYourOwnUterus
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One of the primary tests of the mood of a society at any given time is whether its comfortable people tend to identify, psychologically, with the power and achievements of the very successful or with the needs and sufferings of the underprivileged. – Richard Hofstadter, US historian (1916-1970)
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