DR KARL’S CALLOUTS FOR APRIL 2026
@binoculars2: Twice is a hobby. Three times is a pattern. What you’ve described is an obsession. Look inward.
Patrice: Maybe speaking up isn’t for you. Have you considered denial and simmering resentment?
Inde-Go-Lightly: They saw your bike, no one’s buying it. You don’t just “end up” behind Union Tap House again.
MissusPark: Being right doesn’t change the fact that you spend way too much time trying to control your neighbors.
quadside_: There’s a fine line between cool and smug. Take it down a notch, and hope nobody remembers.
LawnChairPapi: Bring an extra blanket for your lap. If it’s big enough, no one will ever notice.
DeShawn: You can’t keep hiding forever. If you need their approval, you know what to do. Good luck.
Ladies, how’s this for a first date? You, me, and my good friends the Shermans! They were high school sweethearts, so it’s always fun to horrify them with our worst dating stories. And it’s a great way for us to get to know each other, too. What do you say? My treat, I insist. ~ Dennis in Devil’s Pocket
I’m a perfectionist with a procrastinator complex. Someday I’m gonna be awesome! #truth
FOR SALE: Jinx Saw Puzzle. Text your resolve and your sanity. No edge pieces. Solid backgrounds with no shading. The image on the box is from a completely different puzzle. Confusion builds character! Good luck, you will need it. Have fun.
Are artisan beavers a thing? This guy I met on Bumble had the coolest furniture and when I complimented it, he said his beaver gnawed it for him. Everything kinda did have an uneven, organic look. Am I stupid? I really don’t know if the beaver is real, imaginary, or a code word or something. I don’t know what that’s all about. ~ Becky in Manayunk
Many people consider the things government does for them to be social progress but they regard the things government does for others as socialism. -Earl Warren, Chief Justice of the US Supreme Court (1891-1974)
A century ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today, everyone has cars and only the rich own horses. My how the stables have turned. #dadjokes
For the last time, Liz. I’m not getting involved in your family fugue. It’s all imitation and variation, and none of it improves the theme. Count me out. ~ Fine
An April night, a spyglass, and thou. Join me for a moonlit walk in the park, and a peek thru Buddy’s high-powered telescope. You can be my Galileo, and discover my heavenly secrets. TUES APR 21 (7:30 – 9:30pm) myphillypark.org
Heya! Remember how for the last 50+ years we couldn’t tax the rich because they were “job creators”? Well now that they’re job destroyers — aka AI leaders laying off tens of thousands of employees in a single email — the good news is we can go back to pre-Regan tax rates, right? Who’s in?! ~ The Weenie Wuz Right
🏴☠️ A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel hat. The bartender asks what’s up. The pirate says, “Arrr, there be a Bounty on me head!” #DadJokes #sorry
Awbury Arboretum, on a cold March afternoon. You: making concentric circles with your metal detector and bloodhound. Me: fedora, red scarf, watching and eating a scone. You turned to me like you were about to speak, then your bloodhound took off after a scent, and you lunged after him on the wet grass. As you turned into a thicket, I saw you drop something that looked like a marble. Upon closer examination, I discovered a glass eye! The iris is a lovely shade of violet, I find myself entranced and unable to look away. Just thought I’d let you know what happened to it, in case you were wondering. Thanks, Grady
📢 Once more for my hard-headed honey, DEAN: the way you introduce me as your “wing woman” makes me feel like you’re not taking our marriage seriously. ~ Your WIFE ps I’m still hot enough to replace you.
Oh so when other people call their pets “fur baby” it’s fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??? ~ Dr. Get Over Yourselves
I DO!! Here’s the thing, I need to get married to a US citizen NOW for reasons I can’t explain here. Let’s talk this deal out! $$$ I’m good looking and just finishing up my Masters. Please send pic asap, must be believable. Bonus if you are pregnant and willing to say it’s mine. ~ Sharif
Shout out safta yoga on indian queen lane in east falls – a studio with amazing energy and a variety of classes: restorative, vinyasa, power, monthly sound baths and more. 3 for $30 intro special // sign up for classes here: saftastudios.com/schedule
Care to make April interesting? Turn your next trip to the supermarket into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking. 👀👀👀
Roxborough Acme 3/30: You were the stunning brunette in the bread section last night. I was the tall guy next to you that looked over and asked “Was that you?” You looked insulted but the stink grew so I tried to fan the stench by waving two loaves of ciabatta but you stormed off angrily. You are beautiful and even if you are a liar and fart like a Clydesdale, I’d love to meet up. ~ Craig L.
Yo Buddy in Germantown — I’m Sleeping with Your Mom! She’s in her 40s and she works in healthcare. She skips lunch to be with me, thought you should know. Your dad is a cheater and not very fun if you catch my drift. Your mom tells me everything, like how you’re a big disappointment. I know all the family secrets. Potentially, I could be your step dad. Wouldn’t that be wild? ~ Josh P.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we’d never know because telescopes use mirrors. Think about it. #science
Fine, feathered fun on Fairmount Park’s bird walk and garden tour. Springtime here is aflutter with native birds getting busy and migrant species, too, passing through on their way to their thawing homelands. Come along with Troy, a passionate birder and professional wildlife photographer. Sat Apr 11 (10:30am – 12:30pm) FREE. @myphillypark
Lincoln Drive (3-14, 8pm): I almost hit you with my car tonight. I’m so sorry! But Des’ree was on the radio and I lost focus. God your voice was so passionate when you screamed I was a maniac, and the fire in your eyes stirred my heart. Do I have a chance? Let’s get married! I love you. ~ Gotta Be Bold
Hello all, my name is Dean. I’m 19 years old and I run my own junk removal company. We are a group of highly motivated high school and college-aged students. You may have seen us around last summer. We will be back in business this year, starting Monday, April 6th. Our goal is to keep as much as we can out of the landfill through donation and recycling, while employing and empowering other kids our age to get out there and work hard! Feel free to reach out for free estimates at 267-935-2587. We are fully insured! breakawayjunkremoval.com | Facebook Page
Curious about city budget stuff? Enjoy thinking about tax dollars at work? Join Germantown Info Hub and the People’s Budget Office for a special Germantown workshop this month at Crossroads Women’s Center – Philadelphia. Dinner included! WEDS APR 29 (6-8pm). Click here to register. (FREE)
True Story: Any stairway can be a stairway to heaven if you’re clumsy enough. 🪜🪽
Love Sewer: Oh the beauty of our stolen moments in the fragrant bowels of Fairmount. How our voices ring through the calm beneath our manhole! How the eyes of countless rats shine upon our animal endeavors! The clown’s wrong, my freaky friends: you don’t float down here, you fly. ~ Methane Molly
Quidnunc and Friends is a musical group that provides free live music at The Foodery in Roxborough. They are known for their energetic “tunes” suitable for a pub/food venue. Every Friday thru June, starting at 7pm.
Trish: I believe in you! I also believe in Bigfoot though so don’t get too excited. Love ya gurl! ~ Zee
Extreme Roofing ⚒️ You got roof problems? Call us. We’ll take care of it. Done deal, Pal. Done. Deal. One phone call and our army of workers will execute an all-out assault on your roofing situation. We will shock and awe your roof. And your neighbors. Our roofing marauders arrive in our highly visible company monster trucks, and a team of trained experts will rappel onto your roof from helicopter, treetops and adjacent rooftops. Just you watch us. CALL NOW. LET’S DO THIS. 215-241-1090
Hello our RoxFalls cookbook club will meet Sunday April 12 at Wissahickon Brewing. Theme is Asian cuisine. New members welcome! DM @AutumnMeeskha or reply to post.
🎃🎅 The Nightmare Before Christmas: It’s fear vs cheer at Oaks Expo Center, where Halloween and the Yuletide collide in two jam-packed holiday conventions simultaneously. Haunts in Hall A, Holly in Hall D. Choose wisely. April 25 & 26th
Hello this is for Chad my crazy ex who swore he never wanted to see me again but has spent every night for the past eight weeks driving by my house and throwing garbage on my lawn. While I don’t care for your attitude, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t charmed by your willingness to commit. Call me if you’re ready to talk. ~ Cameron
This economy’s so bad you can only rent the libs. #lolz
YOU’RE INVITED! The Red Cross and your local fire department personnel are throwing a “Sound the Alarm” block party for fire safety! FREE! Includes training, supplies, breakfast and lunch – even a commemorative t-shirt. Friday, May 1st (9AM-2PM) Email Ned.Bloom@redcross.org for details! Together, we can save lives!
ISO BRAINS: Living-impaired WM seeks warm-blooded female for hanging out and having fun. I enjoy long shuffling walks at night, undead activities, moaning, crowded rooms with few exits and slow people. I’m looking for a woman who sees me for me and not just a flesh-consuming monster. Braaaiiinsss is a must but I also appreciate a good sense of humor. If you are a real person, please reply back with “I have brains” in the subject line so I don’t waste my time with undelicious bots. ~ Ron Zombie
You: stylish woman (20s?) on the patio behind Cosmic Café. Me: the guy fighting a goose for his pants (and losing). Please reach out, I’d love copies of the pics/video you got. Also I might need them for evidence if the cops decide to charge me for indecent exposure. Thanks! ~ Jeff
WARNING! Don’t trust stairs, escalators, or elevators. Either they’re up to something or they’re going to take you down. #DadJokes
Weirdos Only: The World Oddities Expo is a traveling festival of curiosities, a peculiar paradise both magical and macabre. Taxidermy? Owl pellets? Victorian hair jewelry? And then some! Vendors, workshops, burlesque, live art, tattoos, more. MAR 28 & 29 ($20 and up)
Pizza and Block Party at NouVaux Market (East Falls). SUN APR 12. Games for all ages, plus local vendors and featuring Ed – the neighborhood’s very own Mr. Hooper. Fun starts at noon! See you there!
3/24 (11pm) I was running from the meth head and jumped into the dumpster behind Franklin’s and you were there napping and I woke you up. We shared something out of a green bottle and we laughed and talked about comets and grilled cheese. I had to poop so I went behind the Sunoco on Ridge and when I came back you were gone. I hope the meth head didn’t get you (I forgot to tell you we were hiding, sorry). ~ Keith
A bad day of camping is still better than a good day at work. Unless you get eaten by a bear, then it’s a tie. ~ Grizzled
Please stop comparing dying from poverty to Darwin’s “survival of the fittest.” Modern poverty is a social construct caused by wealth hoarding in the post-industrial age, not by some natural resource shortage. #resist
Anyone else hearing loud music, all day long? Where’s it coming from? At times it sounds very far and very loud — maybe across the river. At other times it sounds like someone driving around with their car stereo blasting. Anyway, I don’t like it. ~ Fred K. (East Falls Life)
What’s the difference between a golf ball and a Land Rover? Tiger Woods can safely drive a golf ball 300 yards. 😹😹😹
We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!
Please click the links for info and easter eggs hand-picked for your entertainment. Place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. You may also respond to ads privately via text or email — please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Got a question or comment? Send it to Dr. Karl to for a callout, just for you! Thank you, my friend.
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