Missed Connections: June 2019

Compiled by Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen, revamped in 2019 for your pleasure!

Enjoy a curated selection of neighborhood chatter, embracing everything from Missed Connections to Event listings, Classifieds and whatnot. Patience, please, as we grow to suit you even better. The good Doc reserves the right to edit all.

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Chinches, You offered me a kiss and I was too weak to deny you. Now you poison my blood with an incurable pain that breaks my heart. I can’t believe they found you here, thought for sure I was safe from your artful sting.  – Hotlips Hooligan

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Yo! I’m Mani Banani and I’m relatively groovy and just the thing for asexual summer fun! I’m a vegan Velma-type stoner slash slacker (is that still a thing?) who is CLOSED FOR BUSINESS but always up to hang. Maybe some disc golf, rock climbing or a ride out to a beer garden. You like yoga? Say hi next time you see me walking my gray dog on Conrad.

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Bob, I’m as as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid 55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quid \aaakk/ch@ung by mistake. Can we clear the air? – Jim

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Left East Falls for the Martin Guitar factory in Nazareth. In the guitar humidor at the back of the gift shop, they keep the real choice guitars. I plucked a 12-string and sang Here Comes the Rain Again, right at you, a random stranger, the only person around. Imagine my surprise when you joined in with a beautiful harmony! Nailing it. There we were, two voices united in one magical musical moment just between us. When the song ended, we each turned in unison, and parted in opposite directions. Like nothing happened.

Thanks, Junior

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Look, Monique! Some of these Missed Connection things are real after all. You know it’s true cause we’re the only two people who know that Big Dee is Jon-Jon’s son. – Tamara

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Saturday June 8th — group bike ride from East Falls to Conshohocken Brewing Company.  Meet 1pm at the Farmers Market under the Twin Bridges. Seek the blue tandem. FREE

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Debbie that sandwich you made me was delicious but then you ruined it by telling me it was “boiled ham” like I know what that is. So I googled it and now I’m frankly grossed out. They literally boil ham and squish it into a mold where any gaps are filled in with emulsified fat and trimmings. If only you’d just called it ham…. Now it feels like I can never trust you.  — Mark

Elvira — You ain’t nothin’ but a Snake Grabber! ~Ssssssssam PS Dio rules!!!

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Well hello it’s Max from the U Penn archeological museum. I don’t work there, it’s just my special space where I go to escape the horrors I have seen but no matter — how about those Taizong Horses, huh? Unreal! Anyway I’m writing here because I overheard a “Sarah” from East Falls making a very loud phone call in which she distinctly called me “an old creeper” and suggested I had been ogling her. Sarah, if you’re reading this – don’t flatter yourself. I had no idea I could be any more gay than I was, until I saw you. Surely your friends & neighbors understand.

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YO G — What a fun night! My favorite part was the pizza throwdown at Founded!!!!! Still don’t know why pizza tastes better by the slice than from a pie? It just DOES!!! A delicious mystery of life!!!  ~Willie

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I gotta get this off my chest! Y’all had an ugly baby!! LOL But for real. Y’all know who this is. Everybody know who I mean. Kid look like ET banged a Conehead. I can’t even. — Roi

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I am sorry I missed your birthday again, Stephanie. Can we just agree that remembering dates isn’t my thing? Don’t I celebrate your life every day, anyway? Whatever you want, baby, I buy it. Wherever you want to go, we’re there. I swear honey between the two jobs and Stan’s gigs, I lose track of the days. You just got to let it go. — Lewis

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Wallbanger, Just by looking into your eyes I could tell you give spectacular afterglow. Really hope we can meet again at the Tulpehocken train station. Promise to make all the time you need. ~Harvey

Hey Penn Knox! I can’t say who I am, because I want my privacy. But I am a celebrity – a big A-lister! — and I’ll be living here in an unassuming rowhome for the next six months. Catch me if you can! Hint: I’m not Brittany but I work, bitch. ~Secret Celeb

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Amanda, honey, don’t pay that graffiti no mind. One person’s “storytelling nasty bitch” is another’s “refreshingly candid sidekick.” They’re just jealous they don’t have old balls on THEIR face. Come sit next to me next time you want to name names.  – Auntie Cee Cee

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Skywalker, you take me to new heights, put a smile on my face, put me at ease, make me hear music in a whole new way, and help me really, really appreciate any and all cuisine, such as Swedish Fish. I just cant get enough of you. ~NightCrawler

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Michael, you bared your soul for me. Which was weird because Nile Café was crowded at the time and you were speaking very loudly. Also, we were on a blind date. But I really enjoyed my vegan BBQ chicken (which you recommended) and that story about your brother and his math tutor was really sad. And also weird. Don’t call me, I’ll call you. Probably not but maybe. – Shellie

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Whoever is peeing into bottles and throwing them on Stanton and Calumet is disgusting. Knock it off.

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Elaine, I’m strained.
Real pain, Elaine,
When I wonder where you’ve gone.

It’s blame, Elaine,
My shame, Elaine,
Cause I know I did you wrong.

Please come home and help me write the bridge. – Jay-Zen  PS We can’t break up, we have matching tattoos.
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I have been wanting, needing, yearning for a mentally, psychically, spiritual, emotionally possessing figure in my life. To lay myself down at the feet of a God or Goddess who can channel my energies into the ecstasy of servitude. Is that so wrong, Mom?  ~ P’bahg

Customer service,

Here is the information you asked me to fill out in this form in order to resolve my account discrepancies:
Name: Prescilla Brown
Social Security number: 986-78-3815
Checking account number: 00365890632
My user name is: fluffyMuff87
My password is: FluffyMuffin88*
My security word is: Rusty
The answer to my security question is: Upland, PA
I hope this will help you solve my identity theft problem.
Thank you,
Prescilla Brown

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Shanah, I can’t believe I have to spell this out but if you see me talking to Lisa, start the clock, we’re maybe 30 minutes away from a fist fight. That’s just the way it is. Avina understands, why can’t you? –Quinn

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RE: Car break-ins and thefts
It takes a special kind of stupid to leave your car unlocked. I hope their insurance claims get denied because I refuse to pay for their stupidity. ~Your Local Car Thief

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Tight Jeans neon green shirt and curly hair (which was on point af). I cut in front of you in line at Wendy’s and u said something to me but I pretended like I didn’t hear until you let it go.

I looked back though and wow you are very beautiful. I probably should’ve been more of a gentleman. If I ever see you again, I would like to deeply apologize for my behavior. Please excuse me, I hadn’t realized you were hot.  –Darrell, hit me up

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Shirtless Man, Shaved Head
Party of One in an enclosed (but not entirely private) garden
I saw you again this morning walking my dog on Winona. And you saw me. Needed a moment to cool the flush that overcame me. Looking good, my friend.  – Purple hoodie, black doodle

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RACHEL: You looked amazing tonight on the train ride home. You’re lovely to me all the time but this evening you had a special glow – dare I say blush. Does my coy little minx have a secret? Lol I know you’re screwing your boss again, darling. Ew. Not that we’ve ever been monogamous but really..? TED?! He’s such a little toady. Veronica and I totally don’t get it.  ~Ronald

Barb B,

I was leaving Murray’s Deli in Bala and couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw you inhaling a corned beef special on my way to the restroom. Was that Ed Rendell with you? Man, you get around! Hope all is well tell your parents hello.  ~D. Humes

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3 room rental can be your home far from home! Soaked family room and eat-in kitchen. Accommodating first floor room and full shower. Shocking main room has a plenitude of common light and beguiling sitting territory. Incompletely fenced and wonderfully arranged south-bound back yard. Backing for two or more vehicles move in already. See Reggie behind the furniture place on Chelten.

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To the troubled couple on Indian Queen Lane who is always shouting at each other over dinner — we can hear you! Can you tone it down a little, you’re upsetting our kids? Also, for what it’s worth, it sounds like you’re both being evasive. We’re only as sick as our secrets, people.  — Your neighbors

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I admit it, Robin. I told Madisen’s mom that x-ray chimneys at the center of the Milky Way are blowing cosmic bubbles. How was I supposed to know it’d send her back to the space cult again? It’s not like I was making up stories, this is science. I refuse to feel guilty.   ~Bobbie

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My place off Ridge Avenue shares a backyard with my rowhome’s dumpy twin. The owner is home all day and night, watching out the window. Whenever I take out the trash, he comes out to the yard to supervise and make comments on what I’ve thrown away. He very rarely approves. The other day I started running my garbage to my neighbor’s bin across the street. My name is Trina and this is my life.

Hey Hot Pockets,
Let’s kick it on down to the 5 and dime and have a nifty time! You’re buyin’.
~Dad Sneakers

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Tommy, Look at you, playing him like a pinball machine. What’s your story, though? That wrist looks mighty supple. I think I know where this is going.  ~Lis

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Hello Kimberley,

I know we had a relationship and I need to explain why I haven’t messaged you. I apologize if any of this hurts your feelings but I feel if there is ever to be an “us” again, you’ll need to step up your game. Here are my concerns:
1. Lack of effort. I’m not so sure you were always giving 100% if you know what I mean.
4. You’re great but if you lost like 12 more pounds you’d be even better.
5. A fake tan wouldn’t hurt. Update your style.
6. Show off dem boobs!
7. Lighten up – and learn to take a joke.
I will give you a month and get back in touch to see if this made a difference  ~Dick



About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 58 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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