Missed Connections: May 2019

Compiled by Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen. Missed connections are for entertainment purposes only and are not intended to foster a belief in random meetings. Email us your Missed Connections or text 215-498-8874

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MAY 2019

To Tessa the night manager at RiteAid: I wasn’t calling you “Ma-Lady” – I said you were a MALADY. And I’ll say it again right here cause you’re never going to look it up. – Chris  PS: It means genius

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Lola, you’re always ragging on me for living in the past. But where else am I supposed to go, when you won’t commit to a future with me? I’ll let go when you do, my dear.  ~Bagsley

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Forevah Gurl, you are my magical ringing sweet Sostenuto pedal. I can hear the difference, exactly.  ~Cunningham

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Heads up, Danny: As you know my thesis project has been on monozygotic siblings, and I must confess now an ulterior motive to our relationship. You indeed have been a key part of my research, as has your brother Donnie who has also been my intimate partner during this time.

I’ll be publishing my paper soon but basically, this 1-10 comparison scale reflects some exciting data that appear to support my work on the older twin advantage:

Approach: Him 6/You 3
Starting position: Him 7/You 7 (shockingly similar)
Takeoff: Him 8/You 6
Flight: Him 9/You 7
Entry: Him 4/You 5
Maneuvers: Him 5/You 2
Execution of the skills: Him 3/You 1
Dismount: Him 6/You 2

Fascinating, right? Another conclusion: you both suck in bed. Later, boys, thanks for the science.  — Phinchie

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Dear Ladies,
I am the muffin man, the muffin man, the muffin man. Have you seen the muffin man, etc, etc, etc?  ~The Muffin Man

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Ladies, you have been warned, That guy Jimmy with the Eagles hat who’s always smokin on the tracks by Franklins gets his jollies watching girls vomit. Tammy says he offered her ten bucks to barf on his shoes. Sicko. – Brenda

To Ailanthus Altissima and Ginko Biloba: Your rankness reminds me that Nature, like love, stinks. Thanks for keeping it real when all I want to see are roses. ~Elmer

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One Two Three Lock Box — Rocker Chick, did that ring a bell? Can you believe that ride home? Call me. ~Kids Incorporated

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ATTENTION! Lawn Dart Tournament, all ages. Cash prizes. Proceeds benefit Brookhaven Fire Company. Feet painting, trash roll, Battle of the Bagpipes. BYORefreshments. For details: parkside45.com

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Oh Susanna, Today I remembered the day we skated way the hell up Wayne to your aunt’s house. Such a perfect, crisp fall day. It tasted like freedom and poured like bliss. I loved skating with you, and I loved you. ~D

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Bridgette
I first locked eyes with you when you were being handcuffed on West Penn. Ciggie still hanging from your mouth just a second then they chucked it and rolled you into the back of the squad car. That look of surprise on your face was priceless, when you saw it was me bailing your fat ass out. I think I earned a call, right?  ~Bungie

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No one’s gonna believe this,
I actually met a gypsy on Gypsy Lane last night. I mean it! Walking by that dark stretch by the college. Out of the trees, she steps. She’s all, “Yes, hello, yes, your future I see. You want?” Hell yeah I wanna know the future! She goes, “I see you taking me home to your place and smoking some crystal balls.” So we’re walking back home just as she predicted then she must’ve turned me into a frog or something because she starts flipping out about flies and trying to talk to me in some like amphibian language. I bounded away as fast as I could. The spell was only temporary, when I got home and checked the mirror I was back to my old self again. Anyway look out there are gypsies on Gypsy Lane. Or maybe more like witches.  — Roger

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KB, This time is for REAL. I’m taking immediate, swift and ruthless inaction on this matter. Just you wait. ~John

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Xinka,
It’s what I’ve been saying all along, we’re really just living in a Neanderthal’s post- apocalypse. Let’s just accept it and move on.  ~Kron

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Cookie, you need to up your swale maintenance game. I found a pamphlet for you on it at the Swap Meet. Get on that!  ~Beatbox Baby

Yo Trappie I miss how you used to text me crazy shit at four in the morning. Wake me up all mad then make me laugh myself back to sleep. We were gonna have one last fling behind the beehives but never had the chance before you turned a cold shoulder. I don’t think your fancy friends care as much as you think they do.  – Rob

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Pretty lady in red beanie. Saturday at the flea market. Amazed you could spot that “Decca” logo from the other side of the booth but damn if you didn’t claw to the top of Mr. Gibson’s used luggage pile to pluck a vintage portable gramophone from the heap. Call me impressed. But mostly, just call me. – Stanley (I gave you my card with the birds on it)

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Bette, Lounging here on the bed, looking down at the ceiling, with an illegal smile. Thinking of you wherever you are. Where, then, are you? ~Stu

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Dunkin dude… I know you caught me checking you out with your coffee and cruller, from the counter to the pickup parked beside me in the tan Trans Am. Say hi next time. I’m Skye

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Well Stacey I’m so thrilled that you left the party with that tall, handsome guy who was leering at you while giving me the eye every chance he got. Guess I can’t blame you. But if you change your mind, I’ll be waiting.  ~Sewpie

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Charlie, you’re a real kick, you know that? ~Equus

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Saffie, I promise you peril, mild nudity, strong language, violence, and possible drug use.  ~PG

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Warm weather is coming and that can only mean one thing: slip and slide season! How about it, Maya? Once more for old time’s sake? — Jared

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Tara, For the love of god, if you weren’t so damn “busy” with your nails, pubes and eyebrows, maybe I could get a hot meal around here. I should’ve married your sister. ~BillyJoe Joe (Joe)

C, you’re dark and dismal as you are deep and beautiful. I want to disburse into you’re you. Disturb the stew. ~D (Naomi Street)

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I believe this all started at Theresa Fernandez’s 4th or 5th birthday party. A vanilla cake with sprinkles, temping enough — little did I know, the fluffy whipped frosting concealed a thick layer of disgusting coconut. One bite, the texture was so weird and unexpected. I don’t know why but I thought it must be bugs so I freaked and just started just spitting, spitting, spitting—trying to get it all out of my mouth. I blacked out hyperventilating and came to covered in my own sick. From then on after, just the smell of coconut can bring on an episode.

So anyway, Gene, I guess you could say I had a flashback when your Uncle Leon gave me that chocolate egg he swore was a buttercream (but had coconut inside). I can’t take back the things I said (and did) but perhaps now you’ll understand why I hate Easter. I’d sure like to talk more in person. – Miranda

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Roberta, sweetie. Yes of course I read your note but I still have no idea what you mean when you say I am being “cassowary” about us. Did you mean to use the word “cassowary”? No offense, honey, but that’s like an emu.  ~Willis

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Hank, I’ll be casting many aspersions this weekend, would you care to join me? Let’s fill up first at Jeisy’s.  — Jude

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