Missed Connections: April 2019

Compiled by Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen. Missed connections are for entertainment purposes only and are not intended to foster a belief in random meetings. Email us your Missed Connections or text 215-498-8874

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APRIL 2019

Reema, Remember, you forgot to forget it. That’s why we’re here. So just forget it, then. (Not the first thing, the second.)  ~Sonos

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Paige,
You were wearing your “sarcasm sucks” tshirt when we met upstairs at Spro last week. We instantly bonded and simultaneously blossomed. Speaking of your bosom, my chai was cold and our conversation was luke warm. But it was your wit and candor that carried the evening. Bravo, Paige! Please let’s meet again, please!  ~Dunbar

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Sady,
Its true your love changed me, but then you changed.  ~Bruce

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Evelyn Nijo-Jo, Nice move installing that Nightingale Floor in our apartment to detect when I come in at 3am. In the morning. Although you were throwing things and yelling at me, I couldn’t stop laughing at the delightful bird chirps emanating from my very footsteps. Still love you. Please come back.  ~Bhodie

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everywhere I look its vulvas. On merrick street, vulvas. Henry ave, vulvas. Behind me, a head of me, on either side, nothing but vulvas of all colors. The worst is those vulva station wagons….

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FOX SPOTTED about an hour ago at the corner of Falls Circle & Driftwood Dr. Not the mangy thing — the FOXY thing I saw whistling and swinging his tool box. At least, I hope that was his tool box. Then again, maybe I don’t. Call me. ~Danielle

*       *        *        *

Lady Grey, You’re everything to me. You’re like Chamomile flowers, hibiscus flowers, spearmint leaves, rose petals, lemongrass, blackberry leaves, turmeric, peppermint leaves, sarsaparilla root, lemon balm leaf, licorice root, apple pieces, rosehip, and passion fruit all brewed into one. — Salada Love

Bathroom Door Knocker A**hole,
I was in the Billy Murphy’s ladies room, in the middle of laying down a well-earned brown stink snake, and OMG that door always f***s me up! “BOOM BOOM BANG BOOM”, yelled the door. The snake was chopped in two and the tail retreated. So rude. ~Linda

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Friends, you rifle through enough unlocked cars, eventually you find one full of old country CD’s or cassettes and then you thank the lord jesus for that, brothers and sisters, because he talks to us in country music, don’t he? And thank you Crawford for this bounty upon which can be so grateful.  ~Father Bufford

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Sannie, I almost forgot, that magical night when we played quarters and had our whimsical walk back to the dorm. You welcomed me up to check out your artwork. Who was there at your door though? Martha & your roommate. We did not want chaperones. But they could see we were in love, glowing. Smitten, in fact. Sitting on your bed talking art history, critiquing your paintings and drawings. And then we stumbled across the hall to Shikira’s room to smoke out of her big-ass red bong. She read us our deep horoscopes and sent us back to the art and our rising souls. What a night.  ~Daedeleuos

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Lawrence — You are cork taint to me, buster! You know what cork taint smells like? A dank moldy basement, a damp newspaper or a wet dog. Science has isolated the molecules responsible, and we now know how to extract this smell – this “cork taint” – from, say, buildings, fabrics, etc. That’s it,  ~Clavita

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Candeeda, I cherish when we met at the drugstore: how I’d accidentally walked off with your basket full yeast infection cream instead of my athletes foot ointments. How funny we were both stockpiling anti-fungal products! A year later, my feelings continue to grow like the identical rashes on each of our forearms – which, when held together, create a red, inflamed heart. Inflamed with love, I say!! Happy Anniversary, darling. PS Maybe we should try prescription medication?  ~Biscuit

Name Bank:
skald Danes Dyke Iseult Ida Bertha Inez Florence Gertrude Myrtle Nettie Mildred Winnie

*       *        *        *

Jacqueline, sure we had a great time last weekend, but some things you said really bothered me. You called me a ‘gym rat,” a ‘fitness freak,’ ‘Mr. Muscle Von Musclemann’ and did this ‘Hulk SMASH!’ thing and other shit. I rolled with it at the time but now I feel I should set you straight so you know why I ghosted you. I work hard to achieve my incredible body, okay? I do it for ME. This guy right here, living his best life. That’s ME, okay. This isn’t for you or your dumb friends on Instagram. – Steve

*       *        *        *

Who? I see you in the Virtual Cadaver Lab. Last week you were dissecting a virtual heart, and I was severing my last nerve for the day. Our eyes met over your blissful smile. Either at me, or at the fact that you had just so very expertly (and elegantly!) opened laterally into the right ventricle. “Ether” way (yuk, yuk), I’d like to see that smile over a pint at McMenanin’s.  ~ Lori

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Matte Kudasi,  It really felt like you were the only android at the party. You were stunning and witty. That zinger you handed to Ron after he called you an ‘artificial lifeform’ was priceless! You might have bent Asimov’s law by harming his feelings, LOL!! Anyway, I’d really like to take you out on a date after you get a chance to recharge. Please send me the electronic transmission of your choice to confirm or decline my request.  ~Al Gorithm

*       *        *        *

Does the drape have to be so tight?  Had an appointment with you this evening and I asked that question at the end. Would love to take it a step further. If it’s you. Tell me how you replied. ~Peter Pechor

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Logan, if you see this I could use your advice. Remember when I loaned Bill and Jenny the money, well they broke up just like you said they would. I’m such an idiot. So of course now  each one says the other is paying me back. What should I do? Also do you think it matters that I’ve been seeing Jenny? Jenny says no, and of course Bill disagrees but he’s down on anything she does these days. Man I would love your take on the situation. Jenny says hi. – Freddie

*       *        *        *

Older retired senior male looking for gentlemen friends to come meet me in Germantown or East Falls or Allegheny or invite me over to their residences. I like conversation, checkers, feeding squirrels, drinking coffee, shouting at traffic and watching movies that aren’t too loud or sexual. Sorry ladies I am done with all your nonsense. ~Howard

Dear Citizens, Im in a pinch  Im in a serious pinch and im looking for some guidance need a place to clear my head for the wisdom of the universe come on everybody send me your positive energy take five minutes out the day to send love to Drazos please and send love to everyone around us thank you blessings and love.   ~Drazos

*       *        *        *

Looking for Diner Dan from South Jersey. Built like a bean pole, eats like a horse. Rocks these RunDMC glasses and Adidas (always Adidias). Pretty sure he’s a med student, at least, I’ve seen him in a lab coat. Anyway, before I left the area, he gave me a list of great places to eat in Germantown and now I’m back and I wanted to try to hit them up but now I can’t find the list. So I’m looking for Dan. Also, if anyone knows any good places to eat…. ~Joyce

*       *        *        *

woman at meat stand in the farmers market
no pun intended. #imthemanhere

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PENN ST: Guy on the porch – 40’s, maybe. You’re scruffy but in shape. You’ll be out there hours. You’re too far away for me to see what you’re doing, but I do wonder. What’s your story? Why aren’t you working? Is there any chance you’re independently wealthy and single? I might be interested. — Nicole

*       *        *        *

Sunoco Gas Pumps, a Wednesday evening. Chilly. I asked why you out pumping while he sat there warm in the driver’s seat, playing with his phone? Thought there was a connection when you laughed. Seriously he is no gentleman and you can do much better. Maybe we could chat? I’m around.  ~Gus

*       *        *        *

9pm Tuesday tall woman in toys section of Dollar General — you were looking for a gift for a young girl, your niece, I believe. I was with my son, seeking school supplies. He recommended a unicorn slime kit and was so tickled when we showed up behind you in line purchasing that very item! He’s still talking about how a grownup took his advice. You’d thanked us at the time for our help so now I just wanted to thank you for that memory he’ll always cherish.  – Robbie and Moe

*       *        *        *

Caroline at Liberty Vet, We’ve done a lot of flirting the last several times we’ve met and I’m not saying things are getting awkward yet but let’s try not to go there, ok? Sure, I enjoy a nice romp around your office once in awhile. All the rubs and sweet talk. And my god, the treats! But, lady, I have a home. And I have news for you, I kiss EVERYBODY like that. Don’t take it personal. – Bailey (with the brown spots)

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mike you were there with your sister typical thursday at franklins except for dancing which was weird. I lost track cuz my friends were leaving, and a masked sumo stormed the party, by the time I got back you and sis were gone. can you hook me up with shannon? i feel like we had more to talk about.  ~walt

*       *        *        *

MJ, It’s no wonder. After all, we were forged in the very same crucible. At the same time.  GD

Remember? We met underwater. The sun reflected on the bottom through the surface tension, projecting swiggley nervous parallelograms. I can almost hear them now. Mesmerized by the spectacular show and the lovely sensation of floating in the clear happy water, our goggles met. It was just below the surface the whole time. I’m forever changed by that weekend. Dumbstruck and dancing. Same place, same time this weekend?  ~Eminanemonefish

*       *        *        *

Abigail, Your love is armor-piercing. Shattered the iron plate over my heart and broke on through. The poison tip spread through my blood. Luckily, later I peed it out. It burned  ~Lou

*       *        *        *

Mandy, Let’s look at the bright side, that UK wild newt species is free from flesh-eating fungus.

*       *        *        *

Mystery Date:
First, thank you Judy for setting this up and getting us all here all bright & early under the clever guise of a spa day. Hello, Cait! I’m the guy to the left who’s holding a bouquet of roses. They’re for you! SURPRISE!!! I’m Reuben!! I’ve planned a romantic day just for us! First stop: coffee here at Trolley Car of course, the perfect place to tell you about my love of trains (and basically all kinds of public transportation). I’ll say no more because Judy tells me you love surprises and Glamour shots and being called “milady” in public. You don’t have to call me “sir” unless you want to, lol!!! Looking forward to starting our full day (and evening!) of adventure!  — Reuben

*       *        *        *

Tyrell: I don’t know when I’ll ever see you again. But when we do reunite, here’s the shopping list:
1 Loaf Italian bread
Five dozen eggs
Premium fresh squeezed, extra pulp orange juice
1 pack vegetarian bacon
Chives
Parsley
Cilantro
Hibiscus tea
WASA Swedish ‘bread’
1 Pound swordfish
2 bouillon cubes
2 Quarts soymilk (plain)
Meusli cereal
1 bag Mint Milanos
Pack of rat traps
2 boxes of Junior Mints

I’m eagerly waiting, Nilsen

*       *        *        *

Spoon, it’s a vision that comes to me often:  your tiny barren room, one candle barely lit. “What record’s next?” “Your Windham Hill Sampler 1986.”  In smooth slow motions you slid the cool dark shape from its paper jacket, pegged the center, eased the needle…  All that scrumptious stereo, and your hands. God, that was our world in all dimensions and senses. Why didn’t we come to our senses after all? We miss us. ~You know Who

*       *        *        *

Christine, We built this sea upon a desert, grew grasses where they said no fields were there. You twist me apart in secret places while pencils fall in pieces to my feet. What falls silently within your lips. Love,  Michael Ash

MORE MISSED CONNECTIONS HERE…. 

 

 

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