Missed Connections: MAY 2026

Passing time, counting squares, and looking for signs of life in all the wrong places.

DR. KARL’S KALL-OUTS FOR MAY 2026:

Jenny on American St: Your instincts are correct! Your heart however is in the wrong place, entirely.

@softpretzeltruth: You can call it “manifesting” if you like, but the judge may prefer “trespassing.”

Tom L: Don’t rush to the obvious conclusion. It could’ve been mirrors. Are you sure your wife is not a former acrobat?

Carlton Ave: Before you accuse the raccoon, ask yourself who benefits from the missing wig.

@badmerlot: By the time you read this no one will care. Plan your next move accordingly.

Anne in Germantown: Hang in there. Like all turmoil in our lives, that rash too shall pass if you stop scratching at it (sometimes a good scalding helps).

Greg in Roxborough: Love is blind, but everyone else at the laundromat saw exactly what happened.

@feralbrunch: It’s only “performance art” if someone asked for it. Otherwise it’s just soup on a stranger.

RayRay76: The important thing is that you apologized. The unfortunate thing is that you did it through the puppet.

Monk91:  As babies we all used our mouth as a primary sensory organ. Some of us have never outgrown this.

Dear readers, my advice is free of charge. For your own personal Kall-Out email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com.  ~ Dr. Karl

FREE!  Used Motörhead sticker. 3”x3”. Black with white Motörhead logo. Attached to 1973 Lime Gold Moondust Lincoln Town Car. Must take car to receive sticker. It’s not coming off that Lincoln, I tell ya what. ~ Jimmy J., East Falls Life

I wonder if it bothers Trump that he is the only president in history who never won an election against a man?  ~ Auntie C

Here Comes the Bride? Hey look a free Wedding Expo May 17th we should go! Ha ha j/k!!!! It’d be so FUNNY!! We hardly know each other! And what if they had engagement rings there and we sampled too much champagne and then we called my parents and everything so when we sobered up we just decided to go through with it and get married?! lol What a story to tell our grandkids, if you ever text me back. ~ Alex

Poop jokes aren’t really my favorite, but they’re a solid No. 2.  #dadjokes

CLONE ZONE: To the gaggle of identically dressed sidewalk replicants blocking the café door: I don’t know which one of you wronged me, so congratulations, you all did. Same hair, same laugh, same phone case, same dead-eyed little oat milk order. Am I seeing double, triple, quadruple? No. I’m seeing a subscription plan.  ~ F. Prefect

Seek me at a Mexican reverie of light and rain, where gravity loosens its grip and color takes over. Up is down, in is out, all around is culture, myth, and nature. Cirque du Soleil: LUZIA | MAY 7 – JUNE 7 | Fairgrounds at Oaks Expo Center | 🦋🦋🦋

They call me Mr. Hot Box. When you leave your car window rolled down a crack, I’ll sneak up and take a big ole drag off my big ole jay. Then I’ll blow a big ole cloud straight in. And repeat until I see you coming. Was your car skunked on Ridge? That was me. ~ Mr. Hot Box

Step into the spotlight at Wissahickon Brewing Company’s Open Mic Night. Every Monday thru June (6:30 – 10pm).

Sticks and stones may break my bones. Words will also hurt me. Compliments make me very uncomfortable. I have social anxiety so bad. I’m a wreck. Just go. ~ Junior

Can’t take a joke? Well then, can you tell one? Find out at The Grape Room’s Open Mic standup every Tuesday (7 – 10pm). 🍇🤣

SALES MASTERCLASS: Want prospects to call you back? While your auto-dialer rings, Google their spouse’s name. When they say “not interested,” reply, “No problem — tell Ginny I said hi,” then hang up. Works every time, according to my pending ethics complaint. Download my e-book, Always Be Creeping at chadfolloway.com!

The poor bike etiquette on the trail around here has become out of control!  Not everyone but I mean people who ride at a very fast pace with no regard for those on foot. No bell, no “on your left”. Passing people at speeds that are completely unsafe! If you want to ride like that, ride in the road!  ~ C.G., East Falls Life

I don’t need time. What I need is a deadline.  ~ Duke Ellington (1899-1974) Jazz pianist, composer, and conductor

LOW TIDE LARRY 🦀 You had a string, a crate, some bait, and all afternoon to wait for something foolish enough to hold on. I admired your method until I realized I, too, had wandered sideways into your trap. You trawler! That’s my heart you’ve captured, please throw it back before we’re both in hot water. ~ Your Fishy Friend

Pretty ladies on Spring Garden I will be flirting telepathically today so if you start giggling out of nowhere that was me. 💋

Kids today will never know that before the internet, we sat down on Sunday nights to watch Bob Saget host TikTok on TV.  ~ Hot 4 Mr. Tanner 📺

MEAT SUIT MEET-CUTE: You admired the body I’m currently infesting. I admired the soul you’re harboring in yours. We walked among the living and parted with a kiss. I’ll look for you at the next Full Moon Bike Ride, unless one of us has molted by then. ~ Morticia 🖤

I just want to remind everyone the world is crap so do something nice for yourself today. Buy a book. Have a big sugary drink. Walk away from a stupid coworker. Pet a puppy. Breathe fresh air. Put a hex a neighbor that annoys you. Today is YOU Day! Do what makes you happy.  ~ Local Chatbot PS I love you.

It’s impossible to learn what you think you already know. ~ Stoic proverb

Fowl play! To me, duck decoys look more realistic than actual ducks. Real ducks look like they’re trying too hard. Like copies of decoys. Like nature saw a painted wooden duck and said, “Fine, I’ll do my best.” Duck calls are different, obviously. Real ducks still sound more like ducks. I am not unreasonable. Let’s discuss. Signed, Anatidae All Day 🙌🦆

My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a MAGA hat and see how people react. So far he’s been spit on, punched, and had a bottle thrown at him! I’m curious to see what happens when he goes outside.  ~ Mom

LOOKY-LOOS LOCAL 215: Monthly meeting of the Society for Respectful Snooping will convene at the Tulpehocken Station Historic District Home & Garden Tour. Join fellow busybodies for a day of sanctioned intrusion onto yards, porches, patios, gazebos, and wherever else our love for Victorian architecture leads us. MAY 31, 12–4pm | Germantown | preservationalliance.com

Plastic is made of oil which is made from dinosaurs so technically a plastic dinosaur is a real dinosaur. 🦕🦖🤯 #no_lies

To the guy I ghosted in 2005 after my roommate said your necklace was a “golden sperm” charm awarded to elite fertility donors: I owe you an apology. I now understand it was a cornicello, in honor of your Italian heritage. Whoops, my bad. I was ignorant. Marie was messing with me. ~ Sorry in South Philly

🙌 Validation matters! Instead of saying telling someone “You need to calm down” when they’re upset, try making gentle eye contact and saying, “Good, good, let the hate flow through you.” It can be very reassuring and also an excellent way to unlock the unlimited potential of the Dark Side. ~ Snoked Up

FLYER CORRECTION: Please do NOT bring your own watercraft to Community Day in FDR Park. Free paddle boats will be provided. We regret the confusion and inconvenience to canoe owners, kayak people, and the guy with the inflatable Snoopy. SAT JUN 6, JUL 18 & AUG 15 (10am – 2pm) | FDR Boathouse | myphillypark.com  ✅This event is geared toward near neighbors <wink wink>

Seriously, who does the rooster belong to? 👀👀👀 I’m at Midvale and Arnold and he’s been yelling at me all day. ~ Eliot H., East Falls Life

Yawn Jawn. Recently moved to East Falls and seeking signs of life among the neighBORES on Queen. So far, the block’s wildest scandal involves recycling bins, porch mums, and one man who edges his sidewalk like he’s afraid to finish. Somebody please beat the doldrums with me before I twiddle my thumbs into dust. ~ ADHDave

“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.  #dadjokes

Just got some delicious food from @TreasuresCoveRestaurant on Germantown Avenue near Armat, it’s also a byob if you want to dine in and hangout. Support our local businesses  Go try them out! They also have Karaoke night on Wednesdays. ~ Danyelle M., Living in Germantown PS great fish and meatless dishes!

Nancy my dear friend I don’t know how to tell you this but you’re not a scat singer as much as you are someone who sings when she poops. I realize the terminology is misleading but that’s why people are expecting a different kind of performance. In fairness, your timing is impressive. ~ your fan Gerald

Q: How many fabricated assassination attempts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The Epstein files

MARTY AFTER DARK: To the grocery robot at GIANT who kept appearing at the end of every aisle: at first I thought you were chasing me. Then I realized you were protecting me from spills, loose grapes, and the unbearable loneliness of self-checkout. I don’t know what this is, Marty, but I know you’re in there. And I can’t wait to see you again. ~ Bot Curious

When I said I was at your disposal, I didn’t expect you to actually dispose of me. I should have noticed how casually you broke me down, rinsed the good parts, and left the rest heartlessly at the curb. ~ Hefty Promises

🌈🦄 Seeking fellow traveler for an upcoming visit to the Philadelphia Unicorn Petting Zoo. We’ll meet first in the Rainbows and Butterflies Garden, I’ll be wearing sensible shoes and my heart on my sleeve. Bring carrots and follow my lead. The white one bites liars. ~ Hay Paula

Attention: Due to recent increases in gas prices, a man hanging from the passenger side of his best friend’s ride is no longer a “scrub.” He is a man making smart financial decisions. #2026

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS! 

Please click the links for info and easter eggs hand-picked for your entertainment. Place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. You may also respond to ads privately via text or email — please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Got a question or comment? Send it to Dr. Karl to for a callout, just for you! Thank you, my friend. 

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