For your business & pleasure: Dr. Karl shares edits the best neighborhood buzz. Sometimes he adds pictures and commentary. If he likes you, he’ll put you in the paper.
TO RESPOND: leave your comments below or text 215-498-8874 (be as clear when referring to a specific listing)
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AUGUST 2019
Judy,
Let’s be honest, at the very least we make a really hot couple by all outward appearances. We are the Sultans of Schwing. Let’s go out and peacock the sh*t out of this town.
~Maurice
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Gee Bob that joke you make about us office girls not being “fresh” all summer is really funny. And the “hot flash” jokes – hysterical! Especially how you bring ‘em out every time the temperature’s over 80 degrees. And for your information some of us actually are menopausal and we will cut a bitch if he doesn’t shut up. ~Brenda
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SHOW US YOUR STUFF!
First Annual Side Hustle Street Fair + Picnic
Free tables to anyone with a “side gig” to promote!
Registration Required! Alex@ewhomes.com
SAT AUG 17 (11AM – 4PM)
Historic Upsala Mansion
6430 Germantown Avenue
Neighbors, discover Small Businesses in our own backyard.
See Facebook Event for details.
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Maria,
I don’t know if you know this or not, but I can totally hear your butt whispers every morning after your coffee kicks in. Please don’t stop though — I’m starting to find them soothing. ~Your friend, Joel
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B, I wish we could puncture that squishy thin membrane — that last little thing between us. Shed our skin and finally make an authentic connection. We’re so close, aren’t we? ~D
Parks On Tap
McMichael Park (East Falls)
8/21 – 825
For the greenest & serenest beer garden
Across from the famous Kelly House!
parksontap.com
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Josephine my Goddess
As I wait to take your hand
I offer you this tribute
So my love you’ll understand.
You’re the softness of a kitten
And the glow around the fire.
You are Color, you are Music,
And the Truth young hearts desire.
Looking forward to our wedding
And the pleasures we’ve in store,
Here’s to all your curves uncovered
And the holes I will explore!
— Your Virgin Laureate
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Motif, n. 1. a recurrent thematic element used in the development of musical, artistic or literary work. 2. how Daniel B. insists on mispronouncing the word “motive” even though I’ve told him how stupid he sounds!!! — Jennifer J.
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Sarah Purcell: So glad Rob introduced us at the vegetarian beer garden last week. I hope you were serious about Paul Lynde. I have all those episodes of Hollywood Squares and Donnie & Marie converted from VHS, I would be honored to wait to view them in the company of another fan. I wasn’t lying when I said I’d bring my Best of Barbie Benton compilation! As we discussed, there’s definitely some overlap. ~Skip Stephenson
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*TRY BOTH SATURDAY FARMERS MARKETS*
Germantown Kitchen Garden: Fresh bread, eggs, produce, flowers, plants, local teas, kimchi, kombucha. 9am – 1pm (215 East Penn St)
East Falls Farmers Market: Fruits, veggies, meats, Artisan cheese, crafts and specialty items. 10am – 2pm (under the Twin Bridges)
S A T U R D A Y S
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If the world were merely seductive, that would be easy. If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day. -E.B. White, writer (1899-1985)
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I’m sorry you don’t like your new pet name, Dana. But you really do look like Special Agent Scully. Don’t worry, I’m not gonna get creepy about it. But if you happen to harbor any alien sex fantasies, I think I might have to marry you! Greys or Reptilians? I can swing both ways. ~Fox M.
**AUGUST 8th**
SHANDIES WITH SANDY
Welcome, Gtown & East Falls neighbors!
Free happy hour/community mixer in Historic Germantown
Meet Sandy Smith of PhillyMag (and the other editors of the Local paper)
6:30 – 8pm; 5501 Germantown Ave (map)
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I’m now making myself as scummy as I can. Why? I want to free myself of all but the most creative energy on my path to become a seer beyond this realm. You won’t understand any of this, and I’m incapable of explaining it to you. The idea is to reach the Unknown by the derangement of all the senses. It involves enormous suffering, but one must be strong and resolute. It’s not my fault, it’s my destiny. ~Rimjaub
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Frozen mounts
Charging nowhere,
Up and down
Their golden poles.
Greek muse
Tootles for
Trash dancing
Down the boards.
Drunken pair
Demands another chance
To catch the brass.
All around
The sting of saline
And submission.
Fine.
Be that way.
~Midway Pier, 1985
Happy Anniversary East Falls Beer Share!
Local beer lovers meet monthly to trade and sample favorite brews. Your ticket is the beer you bring! Craft beer only, 22oz or more. Deets on Facebook.
WEDS AUG 21 (7:15PM – 8:45PM)
Trolley Car Café
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Help Please! Advice Needed!
My coworker (let’s call him Joe) had been really standoffish so then I told another coworker (let’s say he’s Westyn) that I thought Joe was being mean to me because his girlfriend (“Melissa”) knows who I am and is jealous. Westyn confronted Joe in front of me WHO DENIED IT!!! But since then Joe told me he felt bad about hurting my feelings, so to make up he buys me sodas and rubs my back when I ask him. Also Melissa is really moody so we are connecting over that.
Well. Yesterday Westyn saw me and Joe PLATONICALLY holding hands in the break room, and HE FLIPPED OUT!!! He accused us of slacking off on company time and threatened to call Melissa, who btw is his sister and my mom’s friend, and who got us all our jobs (technically I guess she owns the company).
My question is: I am 23 and Joe is in his 50’s. Do you think we have a chance? — Call Me Kim
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WHO STOLE MY TABLE? Did you happen to walk off with my white folding table? That wasn’t trash, you know, a friend was returning it to my house. If you remember where you got it, give it back or PM me for the address. No questions asked. — Bitter on Calumet
I bike Midvale by day in my underwear, and shimmy naked through the whole of East Falls in the still of the night. A plaque on your streets celebrates my journeys. I am KLINOK
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Bantu knots on the #61 bus, so beautiful. Workout clothes with full makeup. After rush hour on a steamy Friday morning. I was heading home, still wearing my scrubs. You touched my arm and asked me the name of the Childish Gambino song blasting on my headphones. “Turn it up if your ears can stand it,” you’d told me. Can’t stop thinking about you. Please keep your eye out for me. — Melvin
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ATTENTION EAST FALLS FORWARDERS:
Thank you for participating in the neighborhood’s only democratic voting body for business and zoning. If the weather is nice, we’ll move this month‘s community social from BuLogics at 3721 Midlvale to the Beer Garden under the Twin Bridges! Pop by EFF’s canopy to share a drink with neighbors and catch up on community scoop. All welcome. Free to sign up and chime in on change & development in East Falls.
Thursday Aug 15, 6:30 – 8pm
eastfallsforward.org
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ONE WEEK ONLY! (Aug 3 – 24) Super fantastic, dare I say epic Roncho Ponchos for ladies of all ages. Home delivery or available by appointment in my swanky Coulter Street pad. Contact Big Burrito Barry for an unforgettably immersive experience. Your Snuggie or mine.
* * * * *
Toyota Highlander full of boisterous young men on Johnson Street. I was in the blue Accord that cut you off. No, I’m not blind or stupid. But guess what, you entitled little pricks? I did it on purpose. And I’d do it again. I dare anyone to drive behind you for five minutes and not feel the same way. Get off the road. ~Miss Rhonda
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*Finish This Story*
(250 words or less)
Win valuable prizes!
Ezra was asked to leave the college after offering a stranded chorus girl tea and his bed for the night when she was caught in a blizzard. When she was discovered the next morning by the landladies, Ida and Belle Hall, his insistence that he had slept on the floor was met with disbelief. Glad to be free, he set off with his rucksack to ride the rails of Europe. Weeks later, in a Gothic library, another serendipitous snowstorm uncovered incredible opportunities that would divert his path forever.
What happens next? Best entry automatically qualifies for additional jackpot awarded by secret celebrity living quietly in Penn Knox (and working in East Falls!). This is real!!!
**Canine Fine Dining**
New Doggie Dishes at Trolley Car Café! Chicken Jerky, Chili Bowl, Frozen Yogurt Pops, Peanut Butter Biscuits and a Hungry Hound platter with turkey, apples, carrots and greens. Breakfast & lunch, 7 days a week. (3269 Ferry Road, East Falls)
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Southwest Central Lower Germantown Civic Association and RCO meets every 4th Tuesday at Southside Church Center, 5058 Wayne Avenue (enter Manheim St). Email awfromhh2@gmail.com to get on the list for agendas & announcements.
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Kitty my dear, It’s not you, it’s me. I’m sorry, it’s over. ~Zachary
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Zach, Oh no you don’t. It’s totally me. Not you, me. I am the one who broke up with you. Calling this in like you’re dumping me is so childish and immature. Everyone knows, Matt said you cried like a baby. –Not Your Kitty Anymore
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NYKA: Whatever gets you through the night, babe. – Zach
CLASSIC STEEL 2019
A celebration of American and foreign bikes, cars and trucks.
Block party with Bands, BBQ, Beer & Pinup Girls.
SAT AUG 24 (11AM – 4PM) Must be 21+ to drink
Philadelphia Salvage, 2234 W. Westmoreland St (19140)
Get featured on IG: #classicsteel2019
Follow on Facebook for updates
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Hey Barb, Looks like you took a wrong turn at Albu-quirky! Don’t worry, you’ll make it to Pismo Beach one day, I know it. Give ‘em hell! ~Hugs from Bugs
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Fallsers! Gtowners! BEWARE!!!! There’s a local “Lufkin Licker” lurking neighborhood freezer aisles. This is not ok!!! Can’t wait to shame this guy on Facebook. Camera’s ready, people, he’s out there!!! — Don
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This is for Them (They know who They are): All that endless talking about how we’re both asexual, really turned me on. Not sure what to do with this. CISter Christian
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Badminton,
Shuttlecock
Racket
Don’t know the rules
Nobody does
Let’s play anyway
~Nettie
**8/10 Art Exhibit**
GermanTown: InBlackandWhite
12pm – 4pm
Germantown Historical Society, 5501 Germantown Ave (map)
Interns with no prior photography experience capture the Germantown Historic District over 3 weeks this summer. Exciting exhibit of curated B&W images w/ local photographer @StevenCWTaylor
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Wait, Wait, wait, wait, Nicole. “Beaver wigs” ?? What on earth are you talking about, beavers don’t wear wigs! That doesn’t make sense, they’re animals, they have fur. I’m not sure what you want to show me but feels like some kind of trick. ~Snake
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Zach: You’re only posting cause you’re still in love with me. Which is so gross just thinking how I used to be with you. So glad I walked out and left you to clean out that crappy apartment you can’t afford now!
* * * * *
Free Stuff:
Lot of tacky clubwear, size 10 (tags cut out cuz she lied she was a 6).
Cheap fake black leather stiletto heels with permanent sweat stains, size 7 ½
Workout clothes, never worn
Contact Zach (I probably have more girl shit you’re welcome to look through)
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Ha ha, Zach. You never called those dresses tacky when you took me out and spent all your money on me! And I am totally a size 6, ask Stephanie.
GREAT Big Back-to-School Swap
SAT AUG 10 (12PM – 4PM)
Share and trade unneeded stuff with your neighbors.
Bring your gently-used items of all kinds:
School supplies, uniforms, learning materials
Housewares & home décor
Clothing, games, tools, etc
Items left at the end will be donated.
Music, snacks and children’s play space.
On the lawn of the Servants of Christ United Methodist Church
FREE! More info on Facebook
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HELPING HUMANKIND
LOVE, SOPHIA
Take heed. Elementals are restless in the wake of planetary crisis! Let them speak to you through this highly esteemed and gifted Psychic Medium. Sophia will answer One Free Question to all who ask. Serious inquiries only.
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BW, don’t kid yourself. Foul balls are pretty much strikes. Save the cocky act for someone who buys your horseshit. I love you, man, but you’re an adult. Act like it. ~L.L.
THE GOLDEN HOUR
Second Sundays all season. A sunset concert series in an urban farm setting. Fresh brick oven pizza, Young American hard cider. Proceeds benefit Philly Local Musicians & Germantown Kitchen Garden
SUN AUG 11: David Fishkin & Righteous Aquarium Strings and Birdie Busch
Doors Open: 5:3PM
Concert: 6:30PM
$10 (kids Free, no dogs allowed)
215 East Penn St (map)
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To the People Checking All Our Car Door Handles While We Sleep: Thanks. You’re training us to lock up and take everything of value with us when we leave our vehicles. Like we all should be doing anyway. Cause this is a city, remember? Don’t be stupid and drive all our insurances up, people! Todd
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UTILITY CLINIC
FREE LEGAL HELP & ADVICE
Prevent a shut-off, assistance grants, weatherization info & more
Monday, August 12
(2pm – 5pm)
123 E. Price Street, 19144 (map)
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Omega, We’ve only just begun. ~Alpha PS Don’t worry, it’s supposed to feel all Greek to you, still.
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Every month, Dr. Karl sifts through East Falls & Germantown social media, seeking out the gems for all to appreciate.
YOU CAN TOO! Respond below, or email Dr. Karl privately, he is always delighted to help readers connect the dots! Leave your own Missed Connections here, too, for consideration in next month’s newspaper.
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