Missed Connections: July 2019

For your business & pleasure: Dr. Karl shares edits the best neighborhood buzz. Sometimes he adds pictures and commentary. If he likes you, he’ll put you in the paper. 
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JULY 2019

Brittani,

I don’t know what I loved the most about you. Your duck lips, sticking your tongue out, the snapchat soft filter with flowered hair, your long painted nails, your high heels. So original.

~Jared

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HOOMANZ!!! Dogz need friendshups too. Butts to sniff!!! Stuff to pee on!!!! Sunday 9:30am meet at McMichael Park. THERE ARE COOKIES!!!!!! All sizes of hoomanz welcome.  Meetup.com/Northwest-Philadelphia-Pack-Walk/

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DG: I don’t know, man. She was convinced that I’m in love with Helen. She got all pissed off..

DS: ARE you in love with Helen?!

DG: OF COURSE I’m in love with Helen!

DS: [laughs]

DG: How can you NOT be in love with Helen?!

DS: I wish you’d asked me about Helen.

PL: WHO THE EF IS HELEN?!

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 **CLASSIC CARS**  Cruise Night every Thursday at Ivy Ridge Shopping Center
All welcome! Roxboroughridgerunners.com

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CATCH AND RELEASE
I like to say you are the one that got away.
But letting you go was 100% an intention.
Happier missing you than trying to keep up.  – Mart

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Parks On Tap
Pastorius Park 7/10 -7/14
Fairmount Water Works 7/24 – 7/28
Gorgas Park 7/31 – 8/4
$$ AF!
parksontap.com

Muriel, the last time I did the Yoga/bike ride thing I was in such a pure state of zen the whole ride out. We pedaled under shady trees along the canal, under bridges… Sunning turtles and baby geese at every turn. Then that starry glide home, omg. Justine’s doing it again July 27th. Let’s go.   Duke

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Your voice is like a car alarm at 3am. I don’t know if you want to be me or bang me. Either way, you are a twat waffle and I hate your face.

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I have never had a woman refer to me as “exquisite” before. I’m at a loss for words, even though I’m actually typing words right now, lol. I feel after our conversation I owe you some sort of response which I am happy to provide. But first, I’m going to have to ask you to elaborate on what you said. Exquisite how?    ~Grilla

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BD, Every night, without fail. Having cleared our dinner planes, you put your stockinged feet up across my lap, and thus I begin to rub and knead and stretch. Through the news, through that Real Crime show, I work every muscle with care but then at some point you kick me away: “Staaaahhhhp!!!” you say. ‘That feels weird….!” Because I have been touching your nerves. How about that?   ~EF

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Community Happy Hour & Meeting
East Falls Forward is the neighborhood’s only democratic voting body, weighing in on new business and development, planning, and more. Free to join & vote. Meets 6:30 – 8pm every 3rd Thursday at 3721 Midlvale Avenue (BuLogics/Stratis office). Next meeting: THURS -JULY 18  eastfallsforward.org

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Senior Gentleman, 60 years young. Free Tours of Germantown and East Falls. Let me show you who used to live where and what I remember about them. I can point out all the places that used to be empty lots before stuff was built on them. I’d take you for the best burger in town, but since the joint’s been closed for a decade we’ll have to grab something at Starbucks on City Line.

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It’s a beautiful night to go fishing. Bring your clean pole. My secret fishing hole is stocked. Neil on Winona

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Girl with the Golden Hair,
and freckles too
You said your dad worked the epsom salt mines.
You have tigress claws. You gave me googlie eyes.
Where can I find you again?
~The Accidental Librarian

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SHANDIES WITH SANDY
Free happy hour for Germantown and East Falls neighbors. Meet Sandy Smith, new Gtown editor (with decades of experience covering Philly politics). Pick his brain, unlock the secrets of the Local paper. FREE 6:30 – 8pm; 5501 Germantown Ave

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Well Will, if you’re gonna continue to eat ground beef the least you could do is spend a little extra money to support a humane local farmer. Unless you like the taste of fear and agony in your chili. PS if you answer that, we’re through.

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Julie,

To me, you were the life of the party. Although you didn’t say a word all night. It was clear to me that you were expelling copious quantities of flatus and blaming it on the dog by gazing at him with twisted, curious facial expressions. Poignant and cunning.

~Spiro

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Ishmael,

My cat’s name is Ahab.
A storm’s a-comin’.
I don’t think this is going to work out.

~Pequod

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THUNDER MUG: according to urbandictionary.com, is a large china mug with a fitting lid that goes under the bed for night-time use when a person does not want to walk far to the bathroom.

And now THUNDER MUG CAFÉ is new local business coming to a space at 4322 Ridge that’s been vacant for over 3 years. Follow them on Facebook, where they post regular updates and cheerfully embrace their name’s mystique.

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Dennis, I will tell you what I told Sydney: I’m picky. I like my blues dirty and deep, in that order. Just like her.

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The day I think of you, the night I dream of you, but that is not enough for me because the best moment is when I am near you. I lost everything, then, I am drowned, inundated with love; I do not know if I live, if I eat, if I breathe, if I speak but I know that I love you. Also, lately I’ve been really into iced coffees at Uncle Bobbie’s. Weird cause I’m usually more of a hot drink sort of person. – Jax

Mike & Ike, my god! Are those guys having a party in your gingival pockets, Jason? And somehow there’s a fortune in Red Hot Dollars wedged into your molar crowns. I’ve got an extra thin & pointy hook just for you….  ~The Extreme Dental Hygienist of Midvale Ave

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Germantown Immature Orchestra is the brain child of @hownowkarlblau and is always magical. Bring an acoustic instrument of your choice and join us in making Sound Castles! We whip up little 15 – 30 second “mini songs” on the spot, record them, then move onto the next. All skill levels welcome. 1st Mondays of every month, 7 – 8:30pm Germantown Espresso Bar.

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But I don’t want to be free to see other people, that’s the thing, Chaz. You keep telling me I’ll regret not having been with more people but honestly I am OK with you as my one and only. That’s not what this is about, though, is it? — Fizz

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Old Dude, met you Thursday at the Crab House. I wasn’t even supposed to be in Germantown, just trying to get to a friend’s place but then it started raining so I ran for cover. And naturally the whole bar was looking at me, a rushed & red-faced white guy bursting into their late afternoon chill time. But there was a seat next to you, and I bought you a drink, and wouldn’t you know? This place has awesome food.  – Rob

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Sailor man, can you see me out here?
When I first jumped I’d imagined the sea would suck me down to its murkiest depths
Or that a giant shark would surface to swallow me whole.
At the very least, I’d grow cold and tired and roll off into peaceful driftwood.
But here I am, treading away. Hours, now. Like I’m not even trying.
Had I known I was this good a swimmer I’d have totally left the ocean out of it.
For now though, why not toss me that life preserver, my skin’s getting pruney
And the hardware store’s open till nine.   ~Mama Mia of the Castanets.

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Dana do you remember that old brown station wagon with the bench seat in the way-back? Jimmy would beg and beg for his turn but sitting reverse in traffic always made him puke almost immediately. My kids were the same way, then they grew out of it. Did Jimmy? Do you remember? Do you ever think of him? A lot of stuff is coming back to me. I hope we can finally talk.  — Michelle

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C, what a fine evening after a glorious day. Who knew a Schuylkill crayfish safari could be so sensuous, so arousing? Our nude toes escalating our lust as we trod tenderly through slime, grit, mud, bloated rat corpses in bird and mammal scat. Yet we were unashamed to greet the dawn naked in Mt Vernon cemetery. I will never forget the gamey organic smell of that jacket we found for the bus ride home.  ~D

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Lady with the pretty green head scarf at Al Sham: We left together, although technically I was being escorted out for yelling at the TV (again) while you were merely leaving with your to-go order. Still, brushing shoulders with you in the doorway was the highlight of my month. I hope you enjoyed your shwarma. Sincerely, Ezra

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54 WM – I don’t really hate you

I know you are monitoring this for my activity. You are convinced that I’m looking but I never have since I met you. Just because I can doesn’t mean I do. If you can forgive my words then I’ll be home alone all night. You know where I am. I have lots of stuff for you to try on. If you are interested of course!! Blocking stops at 7.

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KEEP IT CLEAN, EF!
Join Town Watch’s cleanup Saturday July 20, 10am – noon, Location TBD.
Become a Block Captain & host your own:  215-685-3981 to get started!

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Mis-Mondegreen,
And thus was born another mondegreen — the word given to misheard lyrics that perhaps make sense but are, in fact, completely wrong. (“Mondegreen,” by the way, is itself a mondegreen: The American writer Sylvia Wright misheard a line of 18th-century poetry as “Lady Mondegreen,” when it was actually “laid him on the green.”) The term was created in the ’50s, and then popularized more recently by San Francisco Chronicle by columnist Jon Carroll.
Wink, wink.
~L. Ady Mon de Green

WENT OUT OF BUSINESS SALE
Everyone knows that Radio Shack went out of business. That is, everyone who’s shopping for a wide selection of remote control helicopters and odd ball lightbulbs and stereo cables for their c.1986 turntable, receiver and double tape deck system. Well, you’re in luck. BIG SALE – ENTIRE STOCK of a Radio Shack store’s inventory. This is not “a la cart”, so please don’t ask me about light bulb voltage etc etc etc. I’m not the Radio Shack Wizard dude who is always in the mysterious back room. I really don’t know. Anyway, you can buy the whole thing. Let’s “talk turkey.”   ~Ask for Grouse

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GM: It wasn’t so much of a love affair as a lust affair with you. Can’t believe how much I miss all the sneaking around we did. Weird how fast the shine fell off those stolen moments when they were finally free for the taking. Knowing this now, gotta wonder if maybe the time’s ripe for a rerun? You know how to find me. — Hatchet Toes

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MATT & PAT WANT TO PUMP!! YOU UP!! Yah yah, all weaklings welcome for Prime Intensity Training. Remember class is at SIX O’CLOCK always. Six in the morning, six in the evening.  See us on Ridge, we will break you and make you into something better. primeintensitytraining.com  

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Rach, You were obviously Joan of Ark, while I was a clueless Don Quixote. About the only person paying attention was Babe the Blue Ox and he just wanted to get the hell out of Dodge.  ~ Dane Magoon

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Dearest Dumbass — How mad am I at you? Allow me to say this in a way you’ll understand:

“KHAAAAAAAAAN!!!”    ~JT Kirk

You’re lucky I don’t have a light saber or photons or whatever it is your spacemen murder each other with in your stupid movies.  – Wonder Woman

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Experienced gigolo available for all parties, public and private. Specialties include juggling, impressions, dramatic storytelling and sophomoric puns. Cunning linguistics extra. Contact Desperate Divorced Dave for rates/photos/details. PS Don’t mind the back hair, it’s part of the act.

East Falls Farmers Market — McCann Produce

DID YOU KNOW there was a Farmers Market every Saturday in East Falls, under the Twin Bridges? 10 am to 2pm. Doug says more people would come if there were flea market tables here too instead of just arts/crafts/farmstand vendors. But then Doug also thinks instead of all this new construction, we should build fountains. Big ones, little ones, wherever they’ll fit. We could be East Falls, City of Fountains. (I like his flea market idea better).  Eastfallsfarmersmarket.com

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Still having some trepidation regarding my upcoming DIY trepanation. This, despite all the support I’ve received from the Pirate Surgeon’s Journal online. Can anyone help soothe my worried mind?  — Baldy Joe

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Some rise by sin, and some by virtue fall. 
Find out who! Thursday July 11, 7pm
McMichael Park (Henry & Midvale Ave)

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It was a classic Pavlov’s Picasso. Sublime and obedient. Won’t you join us? Sally is a most thoughtful hostess, please let’s defer to her charms entirely. If you think you’re curious now, wait till the first game starts. Don’t worry, everything’s optional, even winning and losing. And if you happen to get wet, well then, you might as well swim my dears.

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Gorgas Park has a summer concert series!
For July, I’m looking at the classic rock band on 7/11 and maybe also the Tom Petty cover band on 7/25. Both play from 7 to 9pm, which is just about my sweet spot for tying one on but still able to go to work the next day (Thursday nights, after all). Rock on, Roxborough WHOOOOWEEEEEE!!!

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NEENER NEENER
I have a heart that heaven cannot heal.
Time, too, has proven useless on this wound.
Pained, injured, working, wishing
I didn’t make it look so easy.

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Lemme get this straight. There are hundreds of local businesses in East Falls and Germantown but only a handful that the local Development Corporations actually support. It’s funny how many times the same names appear in their social media feeds!

JULY 27 GET HI!!!

Inhale this sensory experience of sound, taste, touch and more. Food, vendors, storytelling, song, chakra stimulations and guided meditations. This awaits you. Don’t be late. Give into this experience and have your mind blown wide, my friends. $6 online, $10 at the door. EVENTBRITE: HiVi LOUNGE

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A playground at McMichael park? Where do I even fit in? On one hand, I hate how grouchy old people want to treat it as some weird racial “buffer zone” that should never be developed. On the other, really hard to relate to these “Let’s make a village!” jerks whose rug rats naturally deserve a 100k+ organic playspace. Good thing I’m moving. – Eddie

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You can’t say that in the paper, they said. But yet we can say it to your face, like the time: we caught our father in some lady’s van outside Dalessandro’s. Oh wait that was you, Sharon. And oops I guess we’re saying it in the paper, after all.

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Mauline, I knew it was love at first flight when you gave me the hairy eye ball as I leaned in to tickle your tailfeathers. Now not a day goes by that I don’t wonder where you are, and if you’re coming back to me. ~Hank

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For All of You who think that a Certain Someone deserves pity let’s all remember who’s been wronged, here. I recorded an original and beautiful song JUST FOR HER — with all my love and passion on our anniversary. Not only did she laugh in my face but then she shared my heartfelt gift with all of you friends. Apparently it made quite a hilarious sound track driving down to AC for a spontaneous girls weekend on my dime.

Where are you all now that the locks have been changed and I never want to see any of your faces again. Least of all that Certain Someone (who’s probably kicking herself for signing that pre-nup!).   – George

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Ohhhh Germantown!
Ladies, beautiful ladies! But beyond that it’s all lies and balderdash!
Ask any guy with a mustache, he knows.  Pencil Thin with a Toucha Gray

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Bruno, what else can I say? You are a complicated fellow and I never know quite where I stand. As a colleague this was disturbing but as your secret lover it has become my addiction. I leave signs of us, everywhere – our initials in steamy windows, scattered pebbles arranged in a heart. If you’ve noticed, you haven’t let on.
~Kappy

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NERD PRIDE! My lack of social skills are only a problem if they limit my enjoyment of life. They do not. I will never not love trains and dinosaurs. I will never miss a movie where the main character wears a cape. My name is Angela and don’t even get me started on the Middle Earth atlas.

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Heads Up Lash Lovers: the site of Koco’s former salon is being transformed into the neighborhood’s first “Lash Bar,” set to open this fall. Once you taste freshly-squeezed eye lashes, you will never go back to instant. Add a twist of brow trimmings – perfection!

Hey Hollywood,  We’re actresses, not mattresses.  ~Actresses

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PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE
Church of The Holy Perpetual Priapism (Bala Cynywd)
SUN JUL 14: Visiting Monsignor Reginald Nguyen, prayers and annointings following 1:30 service

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What are the odds of two anthropologists meeting up in the same apothecary? Miss Fits if you’re reading this, you know the answer to my question. Are we there yet? If so, take out another blue light on the Falls Bridge. I’ll see the sign and know what to do next.  Mr Bits

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World, I’m sifting through scores of women on the dating sites. I don’t know why I even bother. Fruitless, I’m really just trying to find a copy of you. Even the algorithms know it. You’re the only you, though, aren’t you?  ~O’Well

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To tell the truth, Libby, I’m touring with the Spandex Ballet. It’s a tight squeeze. Maybe I can fit you in one of these nights. Twinkle Toes

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Vinyl Yoga Dance Parties
Every Tuesday 6 – 7pm
Mishanayoga.com
Grooves & moves for every body
Free parking garage too.

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Gilda with the Ouija board tattoo across your chest –
Guess you always knew you had all the answers.

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Personal note from Dr. Karl von Lichtenhollen: Dear readers, despite what you may have read from Amy Christina on the Facepagesspace, we assure you these Missed Connections are as real and as true as Dr. Karl’s love for windmills and pickled fish. Every month, this intrepid neighborhood scholar sifts through East Falls & Germantown social media, seeking out the gems for all to appreciate. 

YOU CAN TOO! Respond below, or email Dr. Karl privately, he is always delighted to help readers connect the dots! Leave your own Missed Connections here, too, for consideration in next month’s newspaper. 

 

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