DR KARL’S CALLOUTS FOR MARCH 2026
Brooke: When someone says “don’t worry about the bees,” worry about the bees. Always.
Caleb: The porch light came on because someone was already watching. The issue now is whether there’s video.
Riley: If the kayak was upside down, you should have left it that way. As a general rule, it’s unwise to be a-knocking when you see a-rocking.
@carrie_215: Nobody “accidentally” brings binoculars to Rittenhouse Square.
Nico: The door that’s always locked actually just opens the other way. Also, those people inside aren’t your friends.
Sidewalk Bob: That “stray cat” you’re obsessed with is Binx and the real problem is you don’t know your neighbors.
Gabe: Of the three stories you sent me, only the 2nd is even remotely believable. None are suitable for first dates or job interviews. Try again.
Well how about Lilith, Adam’s rebellious first wife. Rather than submit to him, she fled the Garden of Eden and became a powerful, night-dwelling demon. Happy Women’s History Month, everyone. 👑🐈⬛🌚
Hi! I’m a pre med student at Jefferson and need to do 108 hours of preceptorship to graduate. I’m looking to do it this summer. It would have to be 1 preceptorship for the entire 108 hours or 2 different preceptorships with 54 hours each. Please let me know if you know anyone. ~ Cailey E via East Falls Life
Action! It’s the year’s first Discovery Day with Outward Bound and the Audubon at the Discovery Center. FREE rock climbing and other outdoor activities with an Environmental Resource Fair and Library. All welcome. SAT MAR 28 (10AM – 4PM) Nothing says “spring is here” like dangling from a wall while strangers cheer for you!
Maybe the Death Valley Superbloom portends better days? They say it’s the most spectacular wildflower season since 2016. What else happened that year? On second thought, maybe not. ~ Prof Marvel
Retired Indie Sleaze Grunge Goblin seeks Hyperactive Miscreant Punk Pachyderm to alternately occupy each other’s lairs for brief periods of God-knows-what. Folk musicians and/or fans need not apply. NO ARGYLS.
Well that was weird. A young lady in a ballgown stepping out of the woods by an abandoned railroad. We were way off the trail, I’d gone maybe 40 miles up the tracks on my hovercraft. She said she wasn’t a ghost and I believed her. Looking back, so many questions. ~ Camper Stan
🌸 Immersion Therapy: You’re in for all the feels when the trees bloom at Laurel Hill — proof that spring arrives even in places where everyone else is permanently dirt-napping. Both East and West cemeteries are certified arboretums, and this spring their master arborist will lead tours at peak splendor. East Laurel Hill: SUN MAR 29 (10am – noon) | West Laurel Hill: SAT APR 4 (10am – noon) $20 (discounts available)
Just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean it won’t be a good time. ~ Robert Wagner, barefoot pirate aviator
Quick! Before all the leaves grow back! Fairmount Park’s hidden offshoots and abandoned architecture are never more accessible than this time of the year, after winter’s snows have melted and the sun shines bright in a barren landscape. Discover relics and ruins with John, a park history enthusiast and our guide for a haunting 3-mile hike on secret trails. SAT MAR 21 (9am – 12pm) $15. @myphillypark
Team members at StatCorp: The problem with unisex bathrooms at work is that whenever I’m leaving the bathroom, my office crush is always right at the door waiting for his turn. And pooping at work is the only way I get a half-hour break, so re-training my bowels is not an option. Please sign the petition, this is a labor issue (not political). ~ Denise
🌴🧘Greenhouse Yoga! It’s warm and moist and communal. Don’t think too hard, just enjoy the vibes. SUN MAR 8 & 22 (choose from two sessions each morning)
Quidnunc and Friends is a musical group that provides free live music at The Foodery in Roxborough. They are known for their energetic “tunes” suitable for a pub/food venue. Every Friday in March, starting at 7pm.
They warned me that if I quit drinking I’d just get addicted to caffeine. They failed to account for how easily I can score meth. Bet they’re regretting that intervention now! ~ Told You So
Jazzie, baby: I don’t know where you’re from, but it’s Dunkin’ Donuts. NOT Dumping Donuts. ~Duncan Doughnuts.
🙌🎹 Bridget’s Piano is OK! This piano lives at the Manayunk Bridge Garden and is here for you to play it! Please put the cover back on when you’re done. It needs a little bit of tune-up and there’s an upper octave D, F, and G which will have to be unstuck but it made it through the winter pretty well. Make music! Enjoy! ~ Eliot and Friends via Roxborough Rants & Raves 🎶✨
What are the three branches of government again? I know it’s pedophiles and corporations, but what’s the third one? Can’t remember if it’s enablers or satanists.
🎶🪩🕺💃 extrABBAganza Dance Party at – where else? — the Swedish Historical Museum! THU MAR 12 (6 – 8PM). “Dancing Queen” turns 50 this year, party down with drag and costume contests, retro food buffet, themed bar/cocktails, 70s sparkle.✨ Tix $35 – 40
I have a soft spot for hard decisions — that’s my happy place, dear. I’ll parse the most excruciating conundrums for sheer pleasure. Throw down a gauntlet, I’m game. Tell your friends. ~ K. Solomon
Come Home Belinda! I did therapy like you wanted and understand now why it was inappropriate to ask your friends who would win in an all-out catfight between them. You gotta admit though the brawl that followed was pretty epic. ~ Your Husband PS No one blames you for running, those were real spikes on Stacy’s belt!
Dig these vintage vendors, and their generational threads. Philly Vintage Flea is a fashion flashback from both ends of the 00’s. SUN MAR 29: Doors open at noon but you can get in at 10am with an Early Bird ticket. Bargains so good, Oaks Expo Center makes guests sign waivers cause so many fights break out! 😹
❄️ 2026 Winter Reviews Are IN!!! ❄️
🥶 Oy, way too wintery this winter. ~Tom Wallace
👿 Hell froze over. Then came up to Earth. ~Betsy Thomas
🤷♀️ WTAF?! ~Shelly (The Heck) Shaw
🛂 Dear Winter, you landed in Philly. NOT NORWAY. ~Ryan Ringwald
🥴 Winter, go home, you’re drunk. ~Diane Simzer
🚫 Thanks to you, my hand, feet and nose froze and fell off. ✋🦶👃 ~Bill Williamson
👎 Just, no. ~Francine Gocart
😭 Maximum misery. ~Beth Conrad
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ FIVE STARS! I wish every winter was like this, heck I wish every SEASON was like this. Just like this. I LOVE IT. I’m praying for more, more, more. Groundhog be damned! ~ Helmut the Husky 🐶
Gateways to Safehouses is a gripping duet exploring the scrutiny Black women have endured across generations. Two dancers carry the weight of expectation, exhaustion, and resistance — and then try to dance their way out of it. SAT MAR 14 (7 – 9PM) | Allens Lane Art Center | $20
I don’t rise and shine… I reluctantly emerge from my blanket burrito, throw back coffee like it’s holy water, and pray I don’t throat-punch someone before 10am. 🤣
This is for Bruce in East Falls – we had a misunderstanding at Franklins the other weekend, apparently he thought I called him a Jesus freak when really what I’d said was GENUS freak. I’m a zoologist. You were so specific about the black squirrels I made a taxonomy joke, sorry! I did not mean to offend your faith. We good? Next beer’s on me. ~ Homo Sapien
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you are SUPPOSED to hate child predators more than you hate undocumented migrants. Thanks, The Christian Bible
Hello from @TonyasTeaChest! I’m Tonya and this is my favorite tea you can make right at home. Take 7 chamomile tea bags and 3 hibiscus tea bags in a big mug and add 12 oz of boiling water. DO NOT STIR or touch the mug or even look at it for 32 minutes. Use a timer or you WILL forget. Meanwhile put on “Eyes of the World” from the Dead’s Nassau show in ‘90 (the Branford Marsalis one). Keep that on a loop while you kick back and enjoy. That’s some good tea, friends.
The same men who spoke up about protecting young girls from the “dangers” of trans people in women’s restrooms are the same ones completely silent about the president and other men of power in the Epstein files. We see you. — Jess Michelle
Goals: Losing weight and getting heavy. Turns out those are not mutually exclusive. ~ The More You Know
Hidden City Walking Tour: Allegheny West aka “Paradise” | SAT MAR 28 (1 – 3PM) Highlights include the history of European settlers, Dobson Mills, Pep Boys, Tastykake, and Penn Reels, plus local residents sharing stories about what Paradise used to be before everyone else discovered it. $20 (Advanced purchase strongly recommended)
Sweetheart: I took one look at you and thought, “I’ll have where she’s going.” And I haven’t regretted a single day of it since. ~ Into the Sunset (2/14/26)
Release ALL the Epstein Files!!! If y’all don’t want to arrest folks at least I can write some very satisfying Dexter fan fiction. 🔪🩸😈
Sam in Roxborough: How do you live like this? Every wall of your apartment is mirrored, with each reflection duplicating in the others — seemingly to infinity. It’s like a fun house, I must’ve run into a half dozen walls in the 10 minutes I was there. Sorry, I’m out. ~ Cross-Eyed Mary
Groundbreakers, Underground: Meet the truly extraordinary women laid to rest at Laurel Hill Cemetery. Two guided tours give all the scoop from both sides of the river! West Laurel Hill: SUN MAR 22 (1 – 3PM) | East Laurel Hill: SUN MAR 29 (1 – 3PM) $20 (discounts available)
This is for the guy driving Ridge Ave from Bala to Andorra in a metallic purple Dodge Challenger with a horn that’s James Brown’s voice bellowing, “Gimme those Funky Horns!!” and then a blast of funky horns. I must meet you. @casey_lately
Introducing: Box-O-Chocolates.com Dating 💫 Spin the wheel! See who you get!
No photos. No personal stats or essays. Zero preferences. Throw caution to the wind, why not? Lower your expectations and let apathy lead the way. Because “I love you” is the enemy of “You’ll do.”
It’s hard being an Aging Researcher over 50 because everyone says, “Awww, you’re only as old as you feel…” Then I have to explain that I mean I study the aging process — seniors. I’m 55, which last I checked isn’t exactly elderly. Cue the awkward smiles, because to them I might as well be 100. ~ C’est la vie
What’s it like to own a boat? Find out at @PhillyBoatShow MAR 13 -15 (Oaks Expo Center) and climb aboard the latest models of 50+ boat brands. 🚤🛥️⛵ Or stand in a cold shower and rip up $100 bills, that’s pretty accurate too. 😜
Hypothetically if someone was accused of having sex with goats by over 30 different people and has regularly denied it while also insisting publicly that goats are very attractive, and then in addition he ran a goat beauty pageant where he raved how he had private access to all these hot goats in vulnerable positions, and his best friend got convicted of sex trafficking goats all over the world, and his own name has appeared more than a million times in classified documents about goat-human relations, what do you think the odds are that this person is, indeed, banging goats?
Dream Quencher: I remember being ironically parched down in Coca-Cola, FL. Not a drop to drink after an evening defacing the graffiti bridge; I ran to evade the cops who, turns out, weren’t chasing me after all. So I was thirsty for nothing! That’s when you appeared: ice-cold bottled water in hand, a look of genuine mercy on your face. Spray can tucked in your baggy back pocket, ready to tag. Let’s. ~ P. Dobler
Human kindness has never weakened the stamina or softened the fiber of a free people. A nation does not have to be cruel to be tough. -Franklin D. Roosevelt, 32nd US President (1882-1945)
4 cars went through on RED light at Cresheim and Germantown at 6:30 tonight. Only 3 cars went through RED lights during my mile and a half drive to work this morning. I see 2 – 4 red light runners twice a day, every day, no exceptions. Why’s it got to be like this? ~ Julie A via Living in Germantown
Thanks for showing me the three-piece, c.1800s, beige houndstooth suit with antique pipe and those blocky old shoes. Sure it’s drab, muted, and a little musty, but I was hoping for something even stodgier. You, however, are just right. Are you available for another fitting? ~ Gen. Hardwicke
💡If Trump is not a pedo he would be suing for slander and libel, wouldn’t he? But he’s not because that would open him up to discovery, which would prove it to be true. 🤔
Neighbors Table: Come together with neighbors for great company and delicious foods! Or at least finally learn the names of the people you keep running into at Weavers Way. Vegan & Vegetarian options. SAT MAR 21 (12 – 2PM) | 6001 Germantown Ave (church hall) | Presented by Germantown Community Fridge
Oh to be sailing the bay with you and your catamerangue again. Delicious. The wind in our hair and powdered sugar absolutely everywhere. ~ Mme. Sweet Tart
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship. I’m a very good-looking girl who LOVES to play! I love long walks, camping trips, and cozy nights by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand! When you get home from work, I’ll greet you at the front door wearing only what nature gave me. Call ACCT Philly and ask for Lola, Bella, Zara, or Lindley. 267-385-3800 PS Lots of other great companions here too!
Good with your hands? Great opportunity! Paid, on-the-job training at a National Historic Landmark for a career in the preservation trades. Must be a resident of Philly, 18+. No prior experience needed. Choice of two information sessions: Online via ZOOM Tuesday March 10 (6 – 7PM) and In-Person Thursday March 12 (10-11AM) at PowerCorpsPHL
A little bit about me: a real drag, difficult to talk to, entirely unspontaneous & brutally (some would say cruelly) honest. I’m in constant RBF and ever-ready to spoil the fun if I can – it’s one of my favorite things. I’m really good at it. So what are YOU good at? And how can I shatter those illusions? If it helps, I’m really hot. Call me! ~ K. Joy
Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not. ~ The Lorax (1971)
Yes Jimmy technically a deck of cards is full of diamonds, ha ha. Real funny how you let me think I was getting jewelry for Valentine’s Day. At least you weren’t livestreaming my reaction. Oh wait, you were. Piss off forever. ~ Name Withheld By Request
I like my men like I enjoy my winter: cold and bitter. But I want my one-night stands like spring: wet, messy, and unpredictable. Who’s in for stormy weather? We’ll have a splash. ~ Miss Splish
Yard Sale Upon the Closing of Lifecycle Wellness & Birth Center SAT MAR 21 (10am – 4pm). Sadly, everything must go: medical supplies and equipment, housewares, artwork, furniture, and more. 918 County Line Rd (Bryn Mawr)
It’s OK if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure that when you get back up, you rise as the whole damn fire. 🔥❤️🔥🐦🔥 ~ Collette Werden, Ebby Magazine
NEW! Depends Thongs The first disposable thong with Maximum Strength Incontinence Control. Wetting your pants just got even sexier. Depends Thongs keep you dry while you turn up the heat! Choose from FIVE wild prints: tiger, zebra, cheetah, giraffe, and genuine snakeskin (only available in NJ and TX) Now with ConfidenceFit™ LeakGuard Technology. Get back on the prowl with your Depends Thongs!
I love a lot of things about the Brits. Like, when they say “Urm” instead of “Um” or “whinge” instead of “whine.” Or how they “arrest their pedophiles” regardless of social stature, instead of “making them president” like we do here. Super charming. ~ J. Rodger
Touch grass! Spend quality time in nature with fellow humans, experience firsthand the restorative effects of trees, ponds, and meadows. Mondays and Thursdays, 7am – 8am. Meet at The Farm at Awbury for a comfy stroll through 56 well-tended acres of woodland and gardens.
YOU’RE INVITED! The Red Cross and your local fire department personnel are throwing a “Sound the Alarm” block party for fire safety! FREE! Includes training, supplies, breakfast and lunch – even a commemorative t-shirt. Friday, May 1st (9AM-2PM) Email Ned.Bloom@redcross.org for details! Together, we can save lives!
Take an epic journey into the human psyche – with beer! The best open mics are like manna for the soul, ideally served in pint glasses. This one at Wissahickon Brewing Company is especially nourishing. Every Monday in March (6:30 – 10pm).
Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway. Stupidity is the same. And that’s why life is so hard. ~ Jeremy Goldberg, Long Distance Love Bombs
St. Paddy’s Day in the Graveyard ☘️🪦 Celebrate the “spirit” of the holiday with this guided tour to the final resting places of the proudest Irish souls at stately and historic Laurel Hill Cemetery. $25 (discounts available) SUN MAR 15 (1 – 3PM) You don’t have to be Irish to enjoy this, but it helps!
Before drinking, eat liver so that the alcohol doesn’t know which liver to attack. Follow me for more wellness tips! ~ Uncle Ronnie
Whose red motorcycle is sitting at the corner of Palisades and Merrick? It’s been here for days and the PPA is piling on tickets. It seems to move mysteriously around the neighborhood like a cursed object. #EastFallsUnexplained
I’m simply magnificent. Razor-sharp senses. Hyper-aware. My pulse is pounding, blood rushing through every vein, billions of cells doing their mysterious work. Gaze upon me and feel the wonder. I certainly do. ~ Dr. DeLulu
When it happens, do you want to be woken up in the middle of the night to be told? Or do you think you’ll get up on your own when you hear the fireworks? #RIPDJT
You don’t have to be special needs to prefer a “Sensory-Friendly” dinosaur experience at @JurassicQuest, but it’s nice they open an hour early on Saturday for kids who prefer fewer flashing lights and screaming crowds — which honestly sounds appealing to many adults too. MAR 27 – 29 | Oaks Expo Center 🦖
SAT MAR 7: The Fallser Club presents the Lilith Fair Tribute Concert, a woman-centered showcase with local singers and songwriters. Doors open at 7pm. $20 (proceeds benefit Women’s Law Project)
What are you, some kind of comedian? Then you’ll love The Grape Room’s Open Mic standup every Tuesday (7 – 10pm). 🍇🤣
Weirdos Only: The World Oddities Expo is a traveling festival of curiosities, a peculiar paradise both magical and macabre. Taxidermy? Owl pellets? Victorian hair jewelry? And then some! Vendors, workshops, burlesque, live art, tattoos, more. MAR 28 & 29 ($20 and up)
Hey does anyone know what “preceptorship” means? ~ Ronnie G. via East Falls Life.
Only when the last tree is cut, the last fish is caught, and the last river is polluted; when to breathe the air is sickening, you will realize, too late, that wealth is not in bank accounts and that you can’t eat money. ~ Alanis Obomsawin, Conversations with North American Indians (1972)
We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!
Please click the links for info and easter eggs hand-picked for your entertainment. Place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. You may also respond to ads privately via text or email — please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Got a question or comment? Send it to Dr. Karl to for a callout, just for you! Thank you, my friend.
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