Missed Connections: JUNE 2021

Exhaustively collected from authentic local sources coaxed out of hiding for your information and pleasure by Dr. Karl von Lichtenhollen

David, if you didn’t want sand all over your beach house you shouldn’t have invited me over for Memorial Day weekend in Belmar. Sorry I couldn’t rinse off better but you know I’m afraid of hoses. Please ask Jennifer to accept my apology and move on. Aunt Dennie

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Neighbors:  Think positive, be hopeful, helpful, and happy.❤️
Feed your inner person encouraging thoughts that make you smile and leave you inspired. In memory of some random woman we don’t remember…Have an East Falls Life, folks! LOL!!🤣 — Dene

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I just saw the aftermath of a really really bad bike accident (SUV hit a cyclist) at Wissahickon & Midvale and just wanted to say PLEASE WATCH OUT FOR CYCLISTS!! And give 4 feet when passing them!! It looked bad…hope he is okay 🙏 And thank you to all who stopped to care for him, there was a large group of kind strangers helping. — Terra Cotta

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Support local podcasts!

New episode of Kill Your Gods! POP PUNK NITPICKING #2! I was joined by Steve and Chris from High School Never Ends: A Pop-Punk Dad Podcast to discuss and dissect New Found Glory, Yellowcard, and Brand New. — Jesse  Ihateinfinitejest.libsyn.com

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I’M IMPERVIOUS to poison ivy. I discovered this working with Philly Goat Project, where I was often knee-deep in the stuff without a single itch. Need someone to clear out problem areas in your yard? I’m environmentally friendly, and cost just $20/hour. I’m also fully vaccinated. DM Vita Giannetti on Facebook!

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Q: How do you tell the difference between a vaccinated person and someone who hasn’t been vaccinated? A: Ask them who won the election. #foolproof

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Field Trip to the Age of Dinosaurs!
Greater Phila Expo Center
June 5 & 6 (10AM – 5PM)
Dino Stroll brings guests up close & personal with 75 life-like creatures, with some dinosaurs standing over two stories tall! Music, fossils and photo ops galore. TIX $20 phillyexpocenter.com MORE INFO: dinostroll.com.

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The best theology is probably no theology; just love one another.
-Charles Schulz, cartoonist (26 Nov 1922-2000)

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Area Police are launching an appeal to find the man who stole the blue siren lights off a police cruiser pulled over for takeout from the Park Manor Deli on West Chelten. Offender as last seen running down Pulaski shouting “Weee-ooooh! Wee-ooooh! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!” Anyone who sees this man or the missing lights please contact the 39th Police District @ppd39dist

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FOXY FACTS — Look, people! Foxes do not prey on domestic pets! Their main diet is rodent, eggs and birds if they can catch them (plus roadkill). Please don’t hurt or trap them! It is illegal. Show mercy. Watch. Learn. Live in peace with Nature. ~ Francis

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LIVE NATION IS HIRING
Job Fair at the Mann
5201 Parkside Ave
Sunday June 6 (1PM – 4PM)
Tuesday June 8 (5PM – 7PM)
Ushers, Cashiers, Concessions, Parking,
Guest Relations, Security, IT.
livenationentertainment.com/Careers

Anybody else getting their car broken into at the East Falls train station? I came out this morning to find someone has broken one of my windows. A couple nights ago my car was rummaged through. I think I’m gonna stay up extra late tonight. — John C.

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Pollinator Week
June 21 – 27
Events & Programs
pollinator.org
Save the Bees!

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Mornings are so peaceful on my block in Germantown, no car noise just people waking up and heading to work. The birds are chirping it’s a perfect time to just really see the beauty in the architecture around us, and the creativity of our neighbors who can take a broken piece of cement and plant a whole garden spilling out to the sidewalks. I am a New Yorker and I love Philadelphia, so special and unique ❤️ Have a peaceful day. ~Cynthia K

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Grandma used to say “Sometimes you have to hug the people you don’t like so you know how big to dig the hole in your backyard.”  #dontmesswithnana

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ANNOUNCING: African American History Walking Tour
A 90-minute adventure through historic Black Philadelphia
Every Saturday & public holiday thru autumn
Meets 2pm at the Independence Visitor Center
599 Market Street / 267-702-3479
blackjourneyphiladelphia.com
Tix $20 – $35

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Good morning neighbors! The crocheted Black Lives Matter piece I made and installed outside Germantown High was taken down 😢 Did anyone see who did this? Would really love to know why. If you’ve got it, please return it, no questions asked. I just want to put it back up where it belongs. Thanks! – Linette K.

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I’m always fascinated by the line “we don’t want to become minorities in our own country.” Why not? Are they treated badly here or something…?  #hypocrisy

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Green & Natural
Philly Forests CSA at the
GERMANTOWN FARMERS MARKET
noon – 4pm at Market Square
(Gtown Ave & School House Ln)
Crafts, produce, fresh meats,
artisan foods, community
**Now Thru October**

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I don’t know about all of you, but I’m really enjoying all the random and constant road closures around the area. So what if it takes 30 minutes to get from 76 to Roxborough High School. This is precious time I get to spend in the car with my screaming obnoxious children who have no concept of Urban Development. ~Sour Stevie

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Hi Neighbor, I hope you know who you are. A few of us Fisk residents have seen your cars parked on the street many times. This is wildly inconsiderate to those of us who do not have driveways. Street parking on Cresson is dangerous and other neighbors have had their cars broken into & stolen from. We urge you both to park ONLY in your driveway. If you do not, we will be forced to bring this up with your landlord! Thank you! — Anonymous

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A society is not successful if prisons are its largest form of public housing. @thenewjimcrow

Who is Philadelphia SINFONIA?
A youth orchestra organization that supports the artistic growth of young musicians by providing high-level ensemble experience in a supportive educational environment. If you know a young person, aged 11 – 23, who plays music, video auditions are being accepted now. For more information,  visit them on Facebook or go to philadelphiasinfonia.com

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There is a ghost in your home and it loves you. It gazes longingly from the doorway, yearning to know what you’re thinking. When you walk through it, the ghost tastes your freshest thoughts. They’re always delicious. This is why you don’t remember why you walked into the kitchen. #truestory

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SCHOOL HOUSE LANE: Broken keyboard sitting on the ledge by Jefferson in front of the building labeled Smith House. Some dead keys were especially frustrating as I worked on a piece that eventually became the number Sonya and I did at your memorial service. Yes, it was a weird melody but you were a weird dad, similarly flawed yet still serviceable. Happy Father’s Day, wherever you are.  ~Shayne

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Sometimes I feel like I should be contributing more to society, then I remember fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round and I know I’m doing my part.  #nolies

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Germantown High School
Class of 1971

**REUNION**
Saturday July 31
1PM – 5PM
Airport Clarion Hotel

76 Industrial Hwy, Essigton
RSVP: 215-224-1401
TIX $50
@GCAPhilly

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Live your life in such a way that those you leave behind sort through your possessions whispering “What the fuck? What the ACTUAL FUCK?! What in the shit….???”  @phillyjunk

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To the individual near the corner of Hermitage & Fowler in a light blue SUV around 6:30 in the morning, I profusely apologize for brushing your car. I did not realize I hit you and I did not know the reason for you beeping at me. I was in the green Jeep. If you read this please drop me a PM. Again I’m really sorry.  – Walley Rox

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Hey, y’all I think Biden should make Obama the next Supreme Court justice, what’s everyone think?!!  #expandthecourt

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To the woman in PINK sweats who faked like she was turning onto the sidewalk but then stepped right in front of moving traffic at Krams & Ridge – yes, technically that’s a crosswalk. Cars WILL yield, you just need to give us time to react you entitled, foul-mouthed hag. – P. Delissio

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TRUTH: Saying “Have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly. But saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening. #whyisthat

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BAD DAD JOKE #1

Pickle factory fired me for putting my penis in the pickle slicer. The pickle slicer was fine, but they fired her too anyway. #madeyalaff

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Can we please reflect on the fact that the same people buying fake vaccination cards so they can go places, are the ones frowning on fake documents for immigrant workers? #whatsupwiththat

FEELING BLUESY? Last Friday night I enjoyed a wonderful evening of great music and fine beer too from Crooked Eye Brewery here inside the historic grounds of Awbury Arboretum. Next concert’s a birthday shindig for Philly Blues Society’s fabulous director. We hope to have BBQ with the beer! Tix $10, seating is limited. FRI JUN 18 (6PM – 8PM). Spread the word! awbury.org

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Is your child turning to witchcraft? Know the warning signs: dark eye liner, wearing black, reading, honoring nature, flowy skirts, welcoming all, impatience with bigots, pentagrams. Good luck! @livelaughlarp

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**OAKS GUN SHOW**
June 11 (1PM – 7PM)
June 12 (9AM – 5PM)
June 13 (9AM – 4PM)
Hosted by Eagle Arms
Totally legal! Not weird at all!
Eaglearmsgunshows.com

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The thing is, you lessen violence by eliminating and decriminalizing poverty. Policing addresses crime but doesn’t prevent it. You lessen crime with public housing, fair wages, strong unions, universal health & childcare, free college. By creating happy, healthy communities that aren’t fighting over material resources. #upliftlocal

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A patrioteer with malice
Had a gun which was really his phallus
It went off too quick
And blew off his dick
Then they found his fat ass in Dallas!
#gunsafety

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Here we go again! The other day someone threw a rock in my kids’ pool and ruined it.  We were blessed to be given another one with sprinklers and everything! Now someone’s gone and slashed it with a knife! Why are people so damn cruel???? I really don’t understand this anymore 😭😭😭  — Krista S.

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Pandemic Thoughts: When this is over, you have no obligation to be the same person you were before. Maybe you want to change careers. Get a tattoo. Start a band. Or maybe you want to command a small army of pigeons to finally rise against the squirrels. You do you. ~ Tony F.

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NEED FOOD?
The Northwest Mutual Aid Collective provides food to seniors and disabled people every Saturday, free of charge. Call 484-640-2792 or click on “Home Deliveries” at northwestmutualaidcollective.org. We can help!

Please Get Vaccinated! It’s one little stick that can really save lives, and be the key to getting our lives back to normal.

All residents over the age of 16 are now eligible. The City has more than 270 sites that anyone can walk up and get vaccinated. Two locations — Center City and Hunting Park — are accessible from major SEPTA bus & train lines. You can even request a ride by dialing 3-1-1 and choosing Option 5 (service available Monday thru Friday, 8am to 8pm).

More information on the Dept of Health’s website, meanwhile schedule your appointment online now if you haven’t already.

Vax Like a Boss with our pro tips that can help you minimize or even avoid side effects altogether.

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BAD DAD JOKE #2

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, identity theft is a crime. #madeyalaff

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If I didn’t know any better, I would say Marjorie Taylor Greene has feelings for AOC that she can’t express in a healthy way. @GeorgeTakei
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DINING PSA: Due to a shortage of robots, some of our staff are human and therefore react unpredictably when abused or under pressure. Please be kind and treat your server as you would wish to be treated. Thanks! ~ The Hospitality Industry

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I will not play at tug o’ war. / I’d rather play at hug o’ war, / Where everyone hugs instead of tugs.

— Shel Silverstein, writer (25 Sep 1930-1999)

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MORE FOXY FACTS: If Fox News were around in the 1950’s, we’d still be fighting polio. #bleachdrinkers

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Good Day Sun Shine!
SPRING/SUMMER HOURS
at EAST FALLS FARMERS MARKET
10am – 2pm under the Twin Bridges
Crafts, produce, fresh meats,
artisan foods, community
@eastfallsfarmersmarket

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BAD DAD JOKE #3

What’s the difference between a pun and a fart? A pun is a shift of wit. #madeyalaff

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All Thrills! No Hills!
Drink in some of the best scenery & history our area has to offer. Philly’s local rail trails provide miles of safe, fun, flat path that’s accessible for everyone. Top Five Trails with maps, pics and details:  #EasyRiders

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When you understand that under Capitalism a forest has no value until it’s chopped down, you begin to understand the root of our ecological crises. @silentspring

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DID YOU KNOW…? A piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds! Also, I lost my job at the aquarium today. Anyone hiring? Help a Fallser out, please.  ~ Jeffie Jay

Thank you for reading this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS.

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend.

Click Here for Last Month’s Missed Connections! 

 

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 36 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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