Strange sightings, stranger explanations.
DR. KARL’s KALL-OUTS
@JoshsMom: A prenup written on a Wawa hoagie wrapper is not “more binding because it’s laminated in oil.” It does not legally matter that both of them signed it.
Zuri near Queen Lane: I wouldn’t say it’s “impolite” to return a borrowed ladder at 3 AM by leaning it against someone’s house by their room where they are sleeping – more like a red flag, really.
@DogEaredAtlas: As long as you’re sure your husband is joking when he talks to the Roomba like that. (Are you, though?)
@JoyfullySheSings: I have confirmed that the “priest” you met online who sold you the “Pope Approved” stickers for your Christian pop demo EP was not authorized to speak for the Vatican, to put it lightly.
Nadia in Mt. Airy: Don’t think of it as defending yourself, it’s more like giving an explanation. Since no one at September’s business association meeting was fooled by your elaborate disguise, it’s only natural that they’re curious.
@PacketLoss: If it’s your word against your girlfriend’s smart fridge’s interaction metrics and inventory data, then I’d say you should just admit you ate her birthday tiramisu.
@Borderlynette: Seems your therapist is practicing a technique called “distancing” where they cancel all your appointments and stop answering your phone calls. It’s very effective for overall sanity (the therapist’s). At this point, I’d stop leaving voicemails from different numbers.
Ellis in Germantown: There is no current zoning against the animatronic skeletons on your neighbor’s porch, even if they’ve been there since Easter. Did you know that you can find animatronic clowns, ghosts, and skeletons for under $40? If you can’t beat ‘em…
Dear readers, my advice is free of charge. For your own personal Kall-Out email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. Tasteful pics only. ~ Dr. Karl
To Val My Trespass Yoga Partner, who took a leap of enlightenment with me – over the wall and into the void of my favorite abandoned factory. After Tree Poses on top of a rusted-out PECO electrical junction box, we achieved a state of pure, breathless Nirvana in the stillness of our stance when we thought that security guard saw us. You said nothing cleaves us from the material world like the sweaty fear of an active canine patrol unit. I know just the place for our next vinyasa. Until then. ~ Stretch Armstrong
I knew her as “Em” but her name was Morticia. Her parents ran a funeral parlor and knew how to commit to a bit. For twenty eight years, Em was harmlessly basic and then one day, after an impulsive visit to The Mütter Museum, her inner goth erupted. When she came home that night, a vision in black leather, I almost didn’t recognize her. She took everything, of course. No regrets! Have you seen her? If you do, tell her Dennis sends his love. And do call her Morticia.
Chef April’s here for fall fermentation: salty, funky folks to the front, please! Indulge your savage appetite for cultured foods at CROCKTOBERFEST 2026 🥒🫙 Saturday Oct 10. The lids come off at 11am for an epic pickle fest full of flavor and science. Free foodie adventure at Wyck House & Garden. Tell a friend. ~ Kim C.
🩻 You know, on Halloween we dress up as skeletons but every other day of the year our skeletons dress up as us. Think about it. 🤯
This is a warning for food service workers around Roxyunk: there’s an old white dude impersonating a dishwasher at mid-level sit-down restaurants (like the Tomato Shack). He just putters around the kitchen in everybody’s way only to blow his own cover then disappear. Makes the same joke about being the “nuts” part of the nuts and bolts of the operation. Someone needs to stop him before he gets hurt. ~ Angie
HELP WANTED Must possess a criminal record. Jail experience preferred, but not necessary. Open positions: Second Brains | Eyes | Face | Muscle | Hacker | Wheel | Fence | Locksmith | Safe-Cracker | The New Kid. When you reach out, ask for The Mentor. DO NOT mention any of this to the First Brains. He thinks we’re fully staffed.
You. Not you — YOU. Yeah, you. When was the last time you wriggled your piggies? I’ll wait. All ten accounted for? Good. ~ Just Checking
Patriotism is proud of a country’s virtues and eager to correct its deficiencies; it also acknowledges the legitimate patriotism of other countries, with their own specific virtues. The pride of nationalism, however, trumpets its country’s virtues and denies its deficiencies, while it is contemptuous toward the virtues of other countries. It wants to be, and proclaims itself to be, “the greatest”, but greatness is not required of a country; only goodness is. — Sydney J. Harris, journalist and author (1917-1986)
To whoever left the Ten Commandments under my windshield wiper: I choose my sins carefully. I suggest you do the same. ~The Devil’s Discerner
FOUND: New skin, folded, on top of Dryer 4E at the Baker’s Center laundromat. Before you ask, yes I tried it on but turns out it didn’t fit so I put it back where I found it. No reward needed! Sorry if the elbows are stretched. ~ A. Leon
Children of Darkness: Tired of pretending? The Gathering is October 17th, a true Gothic Masquerade with undead ranks in full regalia. Fire after sunset. Dance of the Eternal Night. For six hours, we can finally stop passing for human. Fangs & Fire with VAMPA at Doylestown Tileworks. Do attend. ($175/21+) ~ V.
LIFE HACK #473: Always keep a fresh potato wrapped in foil inside a kitchen cupboard. This way, if your house burns down there’ll be a perfectly-cooked baked potato to cheer you up. Follow me for more household tips! @MotherMona
NEED A LIMB REMOVED? I’m The Limb Cutter. Stand back and enjoy my signature chainsaw ballet and hand-saw surgery. I take branches cleanly, gracefully and without unnecessary drama. Trunks and stumps are somebody else’s department. If your maple’s getting handsy with the power lines, call me. ~ The Limb Cutter
FOUND: PPD HAT 👮 Help! My third night on Ambien I woke up on SEPTA with new bangs and a Philly police cap that looks legit. If this thing’s yours, please let me know. Also, I don’t know what kind of laws there are against stealing a cop’s hat but I just want to come clean here about what I did and also that I was not in a clear mind. ~ J. Luna
As a kid, I knew I always wanted to be a prison warden, and now look at me, living the dream!! Yo, I said LOOK AT ME. Now! Or do you want to be in the Tank for another 30 days? Thought so! Thank you. See, I’m a natural for corrections. ~ The Captain
Ella T. McCarthy of East Falls: You left your diary at Thunder Mug. I’ll keep this STRICTLY between us, but I noticed on page 47 that you have strong feelings for “Sharif” in Germantown. I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you deserve better. Especially after that whole thing on page 9. Anyway, I have your diary. ~ Patty (the old one)
CLARK, CALL MOM: We all want to know why you taught Caitlin’s toddler the word “dismemberment.” It’s her favorite thing now, she’s screaming it everywhere: checkout lines, elevators, church. Debbie’s gonna kill you, if you don’t fix this. Mom wants a word with you. Now. ~ Jen
Poor Kip! With the power vested in me as Minster of Kinetic Intimacy, he is hereby disinvited to the Slobnick’s cabin party this Halloween weekend. And it’s gonna be a banger too. Someone tell him, this year’s Vanguard is not playing around. ~ Phil, MoKI
Triple Dog Dating: We match singles according to maximum incompatibility: vegans with pitmasters, night owls with 5AM runners, neat freaks with people who own ferrets. Soulmates are easy. We build character. Try TripleDogDating.com today! We dare you.
To the stranger I found asleep in a Panera booth: face-down on a corn muffin, cold decaf beside you. Well there’s your first mistake. The second was having your laptop unlocked when the screensaver kicked in. The third mistake was mine: I should’ve waited for you to wake up, and introduced myself. From the looks of your browser history, I think we have a lot in common. See you around? ~ Mr. Chen
A DATE?! No. Let’s go on a dream. Meet me at Cherry Springs, fall asleep under the stars and see if we can find each other on the other side. If we can meet unconscious, dinner should be easy. ~ REM With Me
CLOSE YOUR EYES — Imagine the scent of your ideal deathbed. Do you smell lavender? Fresh bread? Hospital-grade disinfectant? My favorite death doula’s coming to Laurel Hill Cemetery this November 14th with a sensory spin through the final stages of life as we know it. Let’s share our last-ditch dreams as we craft the perfect memento mori for the precious time we have left. Together? PS Call me a hopeless romantic but I’d love my last breath to be fresh salty ocean air. ~ Maude B.
Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have broken ribs or diarrhea. #dadjokes
AllYourFootage.com: Finally, all the surveillance footage ever captured of you—public, private, awkward and otherwise—in one convenient place! Let our Proprietary AI turn years of passive observation into a personalized 90-minute feature film, complete with highlights, recurring locations and people you apparently see a lot. Your life. Their cameras. Your keepsake. ~ Flock THAT
Andorra Giant 9/30: This is for the lady FaceTiming in the cereal aisle with someone named Sissy in Toledo. Thank you for not screaming when I jumped in with my best Whale Eye. When you did it back to me and whispered “Yes, and….” I knew you were a pro. The ten minutes of spontaneous improv that followed were electric. Sissy never broke character, even when she said, “Seriously, guys, I’m hanging up now.” Same aisle next Tuesday? ~ Your Special Guest Star
To the woman who left her @ under “NOTHING MATTERS” on my bathroom-stall manifesto at Hillside: This might be my nihilism talking, but I’m feeling optimistic. ~ Whatever
PSA: I don’t know who needs to hear this, but if you’re looking for a job, a good website for leads is “ZIP RECRUITER” not “Zipper Cooter” which also has listings but believe me they’re not for everyone. ~ Bill, Sr. at T-Corp
Miss Lily, I was panhandling the daylights out of Chelten Ave when you passed by, waving a hunny at me from the back of your Bentley, all “Get in, loser, we’re going zoning.” Then you took me to the most boring meeting I could ever imagine. All the talk and handouts, it was worse than school. I know I said I’d go with you to the next one and I sure could use the cash, but not like this. ~ Mo
PUBLIC CORRECTION: The name is Graham, not Gramps. I let it go once and now it’s on the rec-league roster, the group chat and somehow my water bottle. Whoever ordered the embroidered “GRAMPY” visor, cancel it. So help me.
To my sweet little neat freak. You say my bathing schedule is concerning. I prefer “period appropriate.” We’ll settle this once and for all at Wyck’s Staying Clean in Early America – a free tour exploring historical hygiene and household sanitation. See you Wednesday Oct 21st. It starts at 5:30, let’s meet early for Happy Hour (first dirty martini is on me). ~ Grunge Baby
To the woman in cowboy boots at the Roxborough Acme: there I was, minding my business, rootin’ and tootin’ through frozen foods when you came stompin’ and a-rompin’ around the corner. You tipped your hat. I tipped mine. Both of us were dressed more for square dancin’ than grocery shoppin’. What to do but rustle us up some horseplay? Your corral or mine? ~ H. H. Silver
Question for the Spiritual: How many communions does it take to eat a whole Jesus? Asking for a friend.
The American fascist would prefer not to use violence. His method is to poison the channels of public information. With a fascist the problem is never how best to present the truth to the public but how best to use the news to deceive the public into giving the fascist and his group more money or more power. — Henry Agard Wallace, 33rd Vice President of the US (1888-1965)
To the guy I called “Pumpkin Head” at the Chestnut Hill Farmers Market: Please don’t take it that way. Even if it IS that way. ~ Just Shopping
Joe on Winona: this is Glori, we hooked up at Concourse the other night. I feel a little bad about bouncing mid-b’fast but wtf is up with your underwear? Why does it say “STINK HOLE”??? Ew, dude. There went my appetite. Don’t call or anything, I just wanted you to know. Do with this info what you wish.
To the woman with the stunning makeup tending bar at Arthaus: when you tilted your head and winked at me, as a pilot all I saw were those black eyeliner wings – and they were rocking, which means “message received” where I come from. I thought you were responding to my distress call. Sorry I came in so hot. ~ Mid Marshaller
This is for the blonde woman in the videos I found in my phone from the last night I ever took Ambien: Hi! We met on the Orange Line at Broad and Olney, and spent the next several hours riding random trains and acting out some kind of adventure movie. You were a spy so we cut your bangs with a pair of scissors we found in your purse. No idea what happened next, I woke up at home in my police uniform minus my hat. I need that back please I can’t lose another one. Also: WHO ARE YOU?? What was that???? Please call Keith, I wrote my number on your belly roll.
Cory, I spent 86 out of the past 104 months getting really good at being alone, and I’m not about to let something as trivial as a once-in-a-lifetime love mess that up. Not a chance. So take your perfectly smart, funny, caring, and attractive self and get lost before you break my heart. Seriously, I don’t have the stomach for dating anymore. Shoo. ~ Out of Business
You know that dream where you’re a giant and you rampage through your hometown like Godzilla? That’s all I can think about, since I heard about “Philadelphia Miniaturia,” a yearly convention for teeny-tiny dollhouses, gardens, and streetscapes furnished down to the tiniest details. This year it’s November 6th thru 8th in Cherry Hill, NJ. If I go, I’ll need someone to stop me if I freak out and try to smash stuff. Interested? My treat. ~ Shin Hayata
KELLY DRIVE: Beware the comfort stations after midnight, when the full moon hangs pale above the Schuylkill. And doors long-locked sigh open of their own accord. The unwitting seeking relief soon find regret. First comes the scrubbing. Softly, firmly. Closer and closer and still closer. Until Toilet Wanda appears with her scullions Loo Ann and Spray. What happens next, no soul has lived to tell. The restroom, however, remains immaculate. ~ Sal D. Benn
We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!
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