Missed Connections: SEPTEMBER 2026

Open your mind. Lower your standards. Let’s do this.

DR KARL’S KALL-OUTS FOR SEPTEMBER 2026

@FreeLibraryFran:: Returning the Amazon package after you opened it was the correct move. Adding three things from your house because you “didn’t want the box going back half empty” was not. That’s not how restitution works.

Keisha near Tulpehocken Station: Your landlord’s parrot repeating “RENT’S DUE” every time you enter the building is obnoxious, but probably not legally actionable. Stop teaching it “ESCROW” until you speak with an actual attorney.

@GregInBeta: Your daughter’s first day of kindergarten was not an appropriate time to unveil the family’s new logo, mission statement, and five-year growth strategy. She needed crayons, Greg. Not brand alignment.

Luis off Ridge Ave: Three raccoons watching you grill does not constitute a focus group, no matter how attentive they seemed. Probably not the best ad copy for your marinade, either. They’re called “trash pandas” for a reason and it’s not their discerning taste.

Denise in Scotts Mills: You can absolutely tell your sister you don’t want to be in her wedding, but not that part about how the sight of “religious hypocrisy” makes you physically ill. That’s harsh, even for a Jesus freak.

@PreparedNotScared76: The Ring camera is there to monitor your porch, not determine which neighbors are “most likely to betray you during a prolonged siege.” Also, Craig was carrying groceries. Stand down.

Owen near Clark Park: I understand why losing the sourdough starter was upsetting. What I don’t understand is why everyone at the memorial was expected to share a favorite memory of it. Gerald was flour, Owen. Gerald was flour.

Dear readers, my advice is free of charge. For your own personal Kall-Out email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. Tasteful pics only. ~ Dr. Karl

Yo Quinn, you told everyone who walked into the Delmar that it was a Swingers Mixer. It wasn’t. You convinced that nice lady with the locks to proposition the bartender when his wife was sitting right there. Do you have any idea what could’ve gone down, if I wasn’t there to explain your stupid ass?   ~ Miss Stfu

Fishing upstate in a mountain crick, I heard rustling across the water. Out peeked a large black bear. We sized each other up. I winked and assured her I meant no harm, extracting a promise she wouldn’t reveal my lucky spot. We had an understanding, I thought. Then I hooked an award-winning rainbow trout. She galloped acrost the crick and snatched it off my line. THERE WERE WORDS.

To the woman who left after I complimented your “cute little aneurysms”: I MEANT MANNERISMS. The talking with your hands, waggling your head, the eyebrow thing. I was flirting, not diagnosing you. I also realize now that saying you looked like you might rupture probably didn’t help. If anyone needs a brain scan, it’s me! Please call anyway. ~ Bruce

Found out the hard way that my stationery store moved. Guess I’ll have to write it off.  #dadjokes

EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ARTIST (Awbury) — Philly Goat Project is bringing the models. I’m bringing charcoal and the unshakable conviction that at least one of these goats has seen things. Seeking someone to sit nearby and tell me when I’ve crossed the line from observational drawing into projecting my own emotional problems onto livestock. FREE | SAT SEPT 19, 1–3PM | The Farm at Awbury

Serious question: Are we like this because we drank from the hose? ~ GenX

What are they then? They’re not teeth. They’re not fangs. They’re not horns. They’re tooth horns. You know that.  ~The Wild Boar

Our first date and you sneak me into your shadowy cabal: the Mainline Dental Club in Paoli. Robes. Secret handshake. Walls festooned with human dentitions, every tooth with a tale. The drunker the dentists got, the taller the stories. The laughing gas was divine. Woke up with three new fillings, a free toothbrush and a spider ring. I’m game for date two, once your extraction site is healed. ~ Wet Sockets 4U

Heresy is only another word for freedom of thought. — Graham Greene, novelist and journalist (1904-1991)

Sorry Turpie but your lucky poncho is an eyestrocity. I feel itchy just looking at it, which by the way it’s not just ugly it smells too. Listen to me: everyone hates it then they blame me for going along with it. Not gonna happen! We’re burning that stank rag, I don’t care about your fantasy football crap.  ~ Miss D

Goth on the path: Clad in black, Don’t look back. Run, run from the sun. Joggin’ to your coffin, digging deep for every breath before you sleep, sleep, sleep. I see you. ~ Goth on the bench

Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like Trump trading our global superpower status to China for two pandas is the worst trade deal ever. And I love pandas! ~ B. Fantana

Let’s rent more church halls for pagan rituals. That was fun. Witchcraft. Séances. Occult ceremonies of all persuasions! Whatever you want just name it. Apostasy?! That’s for amateurs, my sweet, we’re aiming for sacrilege here. Me and you and a gang of like-minded miscreants, pedal to the metal on our own little Highway to Hell. Grass, Gas or Ass, baby.   ~ Damienne

Curbside Pickup Artist (Take One)  Your eyes were wild when you pulled up to Bob’s Diner. Hungry. Determined. Delectable. I tried to make some small talk but you weren’t having it. You sure weren’t having me! You grabbed your bag and peeled off into the morning glare. Come back, I aim to please.  ~ Sunnyside Up with Pancakes

Caught a bass that looked just like Mother Mary, it was full to the gills of grace (if grace looks like fish lice). Had to throw her back. You understand. ~ Father Dom

You’ll thank me later! Have some fun with the Gen Ys and Zs at your next party and put out bowls of hard-shell mixed nuts, with a bunch of nutcrackers and picks. Most of them will give up after a few tries but the ones that don’t will fixate like little machines. It’s amazing to see and they seem to enjoy it. Must be their ADHD meds. Follow me for more life tips!  ~ @LaLaLeslieee

I genuinely DO NOT get the endgame, if the plan ends with a ruined planet, collapsed economies, and no working class left to spend money. What are billionaires expecting to do with the wealth they are hoarding? Sit in a bunker with a bunch of numbers on a screen that don’t mean anything anymore? What is the point of that? ~ Omgsidewalks

Cutting work one day last trout season. Next thing I know, I’m talking to fish. Not one fish—a whole classroom, thrashing, darting and wriggling around. Zero attention span. I cracked open a fresh container of worms and suddenly had their undivided attention. The smell. They shut up for a hot minute. Then we talked like old friends. Ever talk to a fish? Not like tapping on the aquarium glass all “hey there buddy” but a real, meaningful conversation. ~ Gus on the river

Dear Riya, if I had known sick people were so gross, I’d never have spent half my trust fund on that medical school diploma. I know you really want to tell your parents you’re engaged to a doctor but I think now it’s time for me to get serious about my music. We’ll talk when  you’re back from Mumbai.  ~ Your Doug

ZUCCHINI AMNESTY (Fairhill) — I planted four zucchini plants because I had “room.” There is no room now. There is only zucchini. I have eaten it grilled, spiralized, baked into bread, hidden it in muffins and left it anonymously on two porches. Historic Fair Hill is cooking zucchini fritters over an open fire with jams and chutney Sept. 5. I’ll be there seeking recipes, forgiveness, and any legal method of disposing of the remaining 37. FREE | SEPT 5, 12:30–3PM | Historic Fair Hill

For Brendalynne: Join me, then, for a romantic adventure, just the two of us. I’ll hack into my building’s security camera feed, looping footage from other nights with totally different times and seasons. We can watch the main desk from the lobby, and see how long it takes for the receptionist to freak out. Also we’ll be drinking. ~ Big Joe  PS Did I mention I own the building?

The strangest thing that happened while fishing? The Time Being appeared and invited me through The Portal. I left my pole in the water and went. The Pongolian Fish People examined my misdeeds through their All-Seeing Ceremonial Eye and offered a path to undo them. They offered me a bowl of chum. I demurred. When I returned, a spectacular catch waited on my line. I set it free, just as they had me. ~ Ever Jenn

CLASS ACTION SUIT PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT:  If you are a middle-aged deer in the Northeastern United States suffering from high blood pressure, heart disease, or related health problems, you may be eligible for compensation related to egregiously high-sodium wildlife treats manufactured and proffered by Mighty Deer Lick Corp. Contact our office today for more information regarding this careless disregard for cervid cardiovascular wellness.

Dawn, I’m not saying he doesn’t love you. I’m saying you work at a dispensary and he gets a heavily discounted stash. How are you supposed to know? True love or 30% off edibles? Personally, I wouldn’t trust anybody under those circumstances. Wake up and smell the skunkweed.  ~ Tasha

Public Apology to my boyfriend’s brother’s babymama. I’m sorry I embarrassed you at the cookout but if you don’t like puppet jokes, don’t dress your toddler like Charlie McCarthy. The kid’s got dead eyes as it is, it’s creepy. Sorry but you should apologize to him and me! ~ Ben’s girl

I hate when people give generic advice like “take it one day at a time.” What else am I gonna do? Skip Wednesday ? Can I? Gtfoh. This was Dane, thanks. Shout out to Seward house!

ISO COMMENT BOXES: I put comments in every comment box I come across and I’m running out of fresh territory. I carry pocketfuls ready to drop—some naughty, some nice, most make no sense at all. A few have even been constructive, mostly by sheer happenstance. If your church, diner, dentist, condo lobby or municipal office has a box I’ve missed, tell me where. No online forms. I need the slot. ~ Comment Pending

A time will come when a politician who has willfully made war and promoted international dissension will be as sure of the dock and much surer of the noose than a private homicide. It is not reasonable that those who gamble with men’s lives should not stake their own. —H.G. Wells, writer (1866-1946)

I, Thomas P. Fergusen, have not had a single strange experience while fishing. Ever. And neither, Dear Reader, have you. – TJF, Esq.

PICK YOUR HOAX: Give us something worth doing and we’ll make it happen. Wissahickon River Monster? Easy. Glowing eyes under the Walnut Lane Bridge? Better. We’ve got masks, fur, fake blood, impossible footprints, mysterious lights, remote-controlled things that should not move and several pounds of meat nobody should ask about. We can even leave evidence pointing somewhere deeply inconvenient. Bring imagination and an alibi. Great for first dates and family vacations. Impossible Productions, LLC

I think I’m emotionally constipated: I haven’t given a shit in days.  #momjokes

Look, John, if you can’t meet because you and your weird friends are starting some “Televandalist” collective, fine. Spray-paint a billboard, smash a parking meter, broadcast the whole thing live. Follow your dreams. Just don’t tell me you’re “working” when I can literally see you on my phone knocking the head off a parking bollard. I’m out. ~ Tammy Faye

Ed. Note: This month’s Missed Connections received an overwhelming volume of entries with the subject heading: “The strangest experience I had while fishing”. It should be noted that I did not request submissions based on this theme. While I’m happy to field this topic for this issue, enough with the fish stories, people.

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS! 

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