📣 DR. KARL’S CALLOUTS FOR JANUARY📣 Mike: It’s perfectly natural — try not to dwell on it. The last thing you want now is performance anxiety. | Angela: Your friends aren’t avoiding you, they just hate the dirtbag you live with. | Darnell: No notes. Keep doing exactly what you’re doing, Darnell. | Maria: If you have to ask, then yes — it does make you look fat.| Kevin: The keys you lost on New Year’s Eve are in the Lost & Found at the Rite Aid on Midvale Avenue.
WANTED: 12 – 20 distinguished older white males to portray Robber Barons in performance art protest at @GreenbergsGreatTrainShow Jan 10 & 11. Spats, monocles, and top hats provided. Must be calm around torches and pitchforks. Admission included. 🙌🚂
A few years ago, there was a guy who used to rev his car around East Falls at odd hours, blasting sound effects tracks, eliciting great outrage. After piecing together hours of Ring video, I’ve determined he was playing Jac Holzman’s classic “Authentic Sound Effects” (vol 2). Also if there are any other sound buffs in the area, hmu I’d love to show you my foley cave. ~ Mr Reverb (sorry, no ASMR)
Gutter Goddess seeks Lowlife Liege for unspeakable pleasures and pop psychiatry. Your shore house or mine? No strings or switches. ~ @Connie1976
SOS!! Need affordable legal counsel on federal forgery charges stemming from a recent raid of my blacksmith business. Because of my forge. Which I use to heat metal, not copy signatures. Is there an affidavit or something I can sign? DHS seems pretty determined to deport me (and I was born here).
🐄🐖 2014 – 2018: We both worked at that slaughterhouse by the water tower or whatever it was. You were the captain of the sledgehammer team, and they used to call me The Gutter because, well, you know. We were young then, it was all so new and exciting. Do you ever dream, Fran, of getting the old team back together? I know a place that’s looking for a couple of offal hands, to start. Call me if you’re interested. ~ Mack T. Knife
Gil made a real splash at the @PhillyFishingShow last year, wearing nothing under his chest waders but a smile. Is that a surf rod, I asked, or are you just glad to see me? Find out Jan 9 – 11, when I trawl once more for this angler’s attention. ~ Mr. Calypso
✅ In search of many Mimes for a small gathering in Germantown next month. No experience necessary, all welcome. See Al in the Acme parking lot for details (and black leotard).
somewhere. buried in a clogged artery in the world’s ugliest man, there is a tiny little clot struggling to break free. i believe in you, little clot. go, be free. make history. @gallowshumor
Yo ferret face. I had a blast doom strolling down Cresson with you last week. Holding your weaselly hand in mine (to limit your constant scrabbling). Taking note of your mousey twitching as I sipped my warm squash stew and you buzz-sawed through your plate of dry, dry crackers. I’m all yours, if you’ll have me. See you at the Inn? ~ Houlihan
👃 SNIFF THIS FOR AN EASY $10! Keen local noses needed to advise the formulation of a new fragrance I think will be a real game-changer. I’m calling it “Everything” and it smells like one of those toasted bagels with cream cheese and lox. So far it’s enticing, let’s make it irresistible! ~ The Schmear King 🥯
Heads Up, Gtown! There’s a group of young girls (like middle school) that I have seen multiple times looking into cars and trying to open doors, around the new Weavers Way. Hopefully someone can talk to them before they get into serious trouble but friendly reminder to not keep valuables in your car. And lock your doors! ~ S.K. on Facebook
The only way human beings can win a war is to prevent it. ~ George Marshall, US Army Chief, Secretary of State, Secretary of Defense, Nobel laureate (1880-1959)
Not sure if the gifts I got a week ago are worth the 364 day’s worth of unwavering, relentless, 24-hour surveillance that Santa ostensibly conducted on me this year. Can’t even sleep without him spying on me. Big ick. Still, I’m grateful for the new breadmaker machine. So there’s that. ~ Veronica Underpants
FOR SALE: Anti-gravity boots, Men’s size 11 ½. Velcro closure immediately releases wearer from the force of gravity at your own risk. Gently used once. Call Major Tom.
Jason from Hinge: What the hell is wrong with you? Yes. My cat has fangs. No. He is not venomous. So are we still on for dinner at my place? Text me before you head over, I need time to crate the Gila monsters. ~ Brenda
Come to the Dust Bunny Ranch for the smokin’ hot seniors — stay for the Early Bird specials, including all-you-can-eat pink tacos and our famous tossed salad! Free admission (2 drink min). Register for location and password. @oldandpervy
Listen, someone put roasted beet focaccia sandwiches and kimchi sesame quiche in the Armat street fridge yesterday. They were delicious. Now I need to find out where they came from because I’m hooked. UPDATE: @DowntimeBakery
Art is how we decorate space, music is how we decorate time. ~ Jean-Michel Basquiat, artist (1960-1988)
Got Trunk? URGENT! Need to stow something in your trunk for, I don’t know, a few days maybe. No more than two weeks. There’s $50 in it for you. $100 if you can keep your trap shut. Where do we go with this? Talk to me. ~ Rocky
Honest question: how do we know which drug dealers to murder, and which ones to pardon? It’s hard to know how to MAGA these days.
Sorry, Phil. You looked good on paper. Great on the phone. Very polite at the restaurant, then I saw you eat. Good god. Iti’s like you’re feeding a dolphin from across the room – and you are the dolphin. What is that? I want none of it. Be gone! ~ Kahlie PS if this is a condition or something you should tell people
I still remember my grandfather’s last words before he passed away. He said, “Are you still holding the ladder?” #dadjokes
To the fashion-forward and impeccably-groomed Stepford Wife striding confidently (but aimlessly) around Rittenhouse Square in the bitter cold of December: STOP! You’re clearly freezing. Code Blue, sweetie, take it inside. He’ll know where to find you. ~ Deanna and the pigeon-feeders
When a man tells me he’s looking for a “real woman” I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat and he mustn’t find out!!! ~ Mimi in Dunlap
💀🍵 Death Café is a free virtual existential conversation led by the staff of Laurel Hill, who are not counselors. (Mortals Only). Register for ZOOM link. | TUES JAN 20 (6:30 – 7:30pm) 🪦
Oh I don’t know, Em. It’s hard for me to react thoughtfully to your news when I’m pinballing off the walls from a caffeine overdose. What was that, rocket fuel, you gave me? When I said I took it black I didn’t mean Beauties! Can we try again? Unblock me, please. ~ Kurt
See this, Tyler? I hereby dissolve our engagement to be engaged. Please see my father about getting your promise ring back (jammed up your 🫏🤣🤣🤣). My best to you and your skanks. ~ Me, obviously
Tip for the Ladies: look out for the douche in Chestnut Hill who promises to whisk you away to a “tropical isle” only it turns out he means the tropical fish aisle at World Wide Aquarium on Ridge. He thinks it’s funny. Should we get him somehow? ~ Payback’s Bitches
Kristi Noem is like a box of chocolates. They’ll both kill your dog. #gumpjokes
The Philadelphia League of Synchronized Streakers is now accepting applications for a multi-cultural, intergenerational exhibition at this summer’s Semiquincentennial Celebrations. All welcome; moderate stamina and flexibility required. Text Ethel for info. 🍑🍑🍑
✅ Need 3 Contortionists for a small gathering in Germantown. Must not be afraid of heights or mimes. Includes film credit. See Al in the Acme parking lot.
Does anyone know if I need a separate membership card to be Radical Left Scum or will my ANTIFA card suffice? I want to get my papers in order before the midterm riots. #2026
Couple of few things about stealing wind chimes off someone’s porch: 1. You’re doing the neighbors a solid, it’s a public service, 2. Don’t forget a towel or coat or something to muffle that jawn when you grab them for a silent getaway. Let’s be careful out there! ~ Miss O.
Dear Brad and Gwendolyn: to you I’m just a lap-warmer, but for countless rodents out there on the street I may as well be a lion. Bigger! I’m King freakin’ Kong!!! Get it? They scatter like cowards when they see me, and you will too now that you know I can type. What else can I do, huh? ~ Mittens
The sign said “Hail Damage Repair” so of course I pulled over to proclaim my devotion. Long live Damage Repair! All hail! Until the shop owner kicked me out. ~ Your Dad #groan
FAST CASH: Lobster Mules – We need to move 23,530 lbs of live lobsters asap. Dirt cheap. Pennies on the claw. Call Louie at the Taunton Costco (Mass.) Mum’s the word!
The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. their final, most essential command. ~ George Orwell, 1984
We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!
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