A true story of the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on!
Excerpted from the ”East Falls Rant You’re A$$ Off” Facebook page
JULY 11, 2018; 2:12pm
Lara B. Sharp Hi, I’m from Manhattan, and my husband is from England, and we live in East Falls… And, this THING, is in our garden. Is it the elusive ‘Fallster’ that I’ve been reading so much about on this page?!
Whatever it is, I’m sure that I heard it whisper at us, ‘Get Off MY Lawn, Squatters’, but my husband is insisting that it didn’t say anything at all.
Now, to be clear, my husband cannot be trusted, because he is British, and until about a year ago, he didn’t even know what a raccoon is! He called it a Badger-Bear.
(Please, help us, locals… because, we are admittedly clueless, and actually terrified… there is some sort of psychedelic rodent… giving me stink-eye… we just need to know if it wants to eat our faces, or not… Bloody ‘squatter’, here first, still livin’ in MY East Falls garden, thinking he can scare me off… I’m not scared… I’m from NYC… I simply LIKE being curled up UNDER my bed… with an electric, bug zapping, tennis racket… whatev-er… Pfff… haaaaaaaaalp meeeeeeeeeeee…)
Amin Merz Looks demonic. I’d get the church involved.
Kristin Atkins A garden bear.
Diego Rincón Chupacabra
Amin Merz Don’t listen to the other comments. These yuppies don’t know anything. Make sure you have crucifixes hanging above each en-trance and sprinkle yourself with holy water.
Lara B. Sharp OHMYGAWD…. I can’t. I’m a Jew. I’M GONNA DIE…
Amin Merz That’s probably why it’s after you. Ill pray for your soul.
Joann Dempsey Racoons are more afraid of you but eat rodents…bugs..keeps environment healthy..that thing looks rabid
Lara B. Sharp It’s just sitting on my porch. I smell pot… It might be smoking pot…
Amin Merz Wouldn’t be surprised. They don’t call it the “Devil’s lettuce” for nothing. Make sure you don’t inhale any second hand smoke as its a surefire way to invite satanic possession.
Lara B. Sharp OK, so, I gather from the responses that… it’s a Groundhog? And, it belongs here, so… Should we… Feed it?!
Kristin Atkins They love Funyuns and diet Dr. Pepper… and souls of the innocent.
Lara B. Sharp Thanks, now I have to google Groundhogs AND… ‘Funyuns’. GAAAAAAAH-HHH!!!
Lara B. Sharp Yeah, it’s a Groundhog. I’m naming him ‘Fallster Funyuns’. Should I FEED IT something? Put water out? Ignore him? Sell him on Craigslist?
Walter Murasky You can feed it, just not after midnight. And whatever you do DO NOT ever get it wet.
Lara B. Sharp Oh… So, no ‘marking my territory’, the old fashioned way. Got it.
Walter Murasky No. Peeing on animals is never an ok thing.
Lara B. Sharp Would anyone like to explain to me why this Groundhog just took a shit on my porch chair? Is that Groundhog language for ‘Try to set even one foot onto my porch, MoFo, cuz I want you to’?
Amy Oo LOL- what a great post, and not a troll or argument to be found! Well done!
Lara B. Sharp Is the Groundhog just going to live on my porch now, forever? I’m just asking because there’s no other way out of my building… And, tomorrow morning, I have to go to therapy. I mean, I REALLY have to go to therapy tomorrow, and not ONLY because there is a wild animal living on my porch… I can’t cancel ther-apy. I can’t call my therapist and tell her that I’m trapped in my apartment because there is a Groundhog on my porch. Actually, I probably can, because we are both Jewish. But, as of right now, I feel like I really NEED to Make that therapy Appointment! So, will it… LEAVE, eventually? Or, like, ever?
Johnpaul Golaski Their natural predators were wolves and maybe fox-es? Maybe playing a sound of a wolf through your phone would inspire it to go back in its hole.
Lara B. Sharp Play the sound of a wolf, through my phone???? Ummm… Hmm… OK, fuck it. I’ll try that! Why not…
Lara B. Sharp You owe my CATS an APOLOGY. That works on CATS. It doesn’t seem to work on sleeping bloody groundhogs!!!!
Johnpaul Golaski Oops!
Lara B. Sharp Yeah, ‘oops’, because, now I have a Groundhog on my porch, AND TWO HOUSE CATS… ON MY BLOODY CEILING!!!!
Johnpaul Golaski Obviously the next solution attempt is a dog! Maybe two?
Lara B. Sharp Well, I think, at this point, maybe… OK, just NO. I have a massive Groundhog on my porch, and two cats on my ceiling, so I think I’m gonna pass on your advice to bring MORE ANIMALS into this already CRAZY SITUATION, but… thank you.
Arlene Dale Thank you one and all, and especially Lara B. Sharp, for this most entertaining post. I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face from laughing so hard. Great stuff.
Lara B. Sharp OK, great, that is great… when you stop crying, come to my home WITH A BOX. Thank you, see you soon.
Read the full thread on the “East Falls Rant You’re A$$ Off” Face-book page.