White Guys Matter

Social Commentary

Victims of wokeness seek fairness, respect, and compensation.

Good news, pale brothers! Decades of state-sanctioned racism ended with the stroke of a pen this January when a new executive order revoked minority considerations like DEI practices and hiring quotas. Finally! After 60 years of oppression, the white man is free to live our best lives once more.

Obviously there will need to be an apology. And some cash. Lots of cash.

It’s no secret that white men have been the most oppressed demographic in this country since, oh, roughly the signing of the Civil Rights Act. For decades, we’ve been forced to endure the indignity of sharing: jobs, promotions, college admissions. Countless crumbs from the table of prosperity have been unjustly snatched from our hands and given to people who dared to be something other than us.

Frankly it’s been hurtful feeling excluded from programs like “Women in Leadership” and “The African American Experience.” It’s a real microaggression, every time someone mentions slavery or western expansion or right-wing shooters. Adding insult to injury, we’re the *only* demographic with no diversity funding, despite our glorious variety of skin tones from biscuit to rosy.

And the financial burden is outrageous! Do you know how expensive it is to be a white man these days? The golf club memberships, the artisanal whiskeys, the Patagonia bro vests. It all adds up. Meanwhile, our tax dollars for years funded programs that—get this—weren’t even about us. What’s the deal with that? Is this how they erase us? How they chip away at our freedoms?

Look, we’re done with HR stooges telling us we can’t just hire our college buddies, because “representation matters.” Fake news! Clearly white guys have better connections, and a rewards system that actually works. I mean, we founded this country. I think we know how it’s supposed to run. Thankfully we’re back at the helm again, now it’s time to right this ship.

So here’s what needs to happen: every white man in America gets a lump-sum payment for the cumulative years of DEI-related discrimination we’ve endured. Let’s call it the White Man’s Dignity Restoration Fund™, and it’ll compensate an individual’s worth based on the success we would’ve had if Affirmative Action hadn’t held us back. And then we can use the money to start unregulated businesses like in the good old days when we did whatever the hell we wanted.

Now this is just me but I think, while we’re at it, we should go ahead and name January “White Men’s History Month” as a national observance to reinforce our global and domestic relevance. Suggested tag line: Honoring the “man” in “Manifest Destiny!” Maybe Columbus can be on the logo. Or a gun.

Reparations for white men may seem like a bold demand, but remember: boldness is our jam. We colonized half the planet – hello! We’re not going anywhere. In fact, we’re standing together in unity: shoulder to pale, freckled shoulder. Our pink, sweaty hairlines gleaming in the sun.

We’re white, male, and ready to be reimbursed. How about it, America?

🚨WHITE MAN’S WAKE-UP CALL 🚨
For decades, society has been trying to undermine American manhood — and look where it’s gotten us!

  • Only 62% of elected officials are white males, though we account for 30% of the population.
  • Barely two-thirds of federal judges are white men.
  • White males fail to lead in almost 10% of the top fifty Fortune 500 companies.
  • White men control just 90% of the 10 biggest US media outlets.
  • White households hold a mere 80% of the nation’s wealth.

This isn’t just about us. It’s about saving the country — from inclusivity, from fairness, from everything we didn’t sign up for. Who’s with me? Please leave your pledge below in the Comments, bruh.

Ed Note: the opinions expressed here are unserious for your amusement. 

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3 Comments

  1. Ever hear of Poe’s Law?

    https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poe%27s_law

    “without a clear indicator of the author’s intent, any parodic or sarcastic expression of extreme views can be mistaken by some readers for a sincere expression of those views”

    And so while I guess this is supposed to be cute or funny, that the views here reflect actual state policy, threatening to undermine if not erase decades of progress, you’ll have to forgive me if I don’t laugh.

    I could say more about the implications of an AI-saturated mediasphere, and how it can easily reinforce white supremacist hegemony, especially in light of intentional efforts to erase the contributions of everyone who isn’t a white man. This post is garbage and diminishes this whole website.

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