Not-so secret admirer hails the chief from Germantown with a special kind of fan mail.
Hey there, Trump! I know I tend to go on a lot about what an awful job you’re doing in the White House. But it’s February, the month of love. And judging by the news these days, you could use a little pick-me-up. Allow me. It would do my heart good to sing your praises…
- You’re incredibly lucky. Pardon me but nothing in your resume remotely suggests any ability or qualifications for President of the US – yet here you are. Every day is like a little miracle.
- You’re a celebrity. You really know how to work the cameras! And as a familiar face from the 80’s, you are also a living metaphor for how our country seems to be stepping back in time.
- You tweet your heart. You may be Leader of the Free World, but on Twitter you are a scared little boy, boasting and lashing out. As a therapist, I empathize.
- You’re bulletproof to criticism. Global leaders literally laugh in your face, and it just bounces off you: in your head, you’re still THE BEST. (One could argue this is a mental disorder but in your particular situation I admire it as a unique adaptation.)
5. Your weave. Some have called it a giant furry lobster or a tumble-dried baboon but it’s a bold statement on the top of your head and I respect that.
6. People love you. Not all people. Or even most people. But those ones in the red hats? Wow, man. They’ll vote against their own interests to honor you. I bet at least half of them think you can hear their prayers at night like Jesus. Despite hookers, hush money, hypocrisy… Truly amazing, I’ve never felt more grateful to be an nontheist.
7. Your women troubles. Sorry to bring this up, Don, but just goes to show: being rich, white and powerful ain’t everything. A good message for all of us, thanks for leading by example.
8. Your sense of humor Guaranteed at least once during any speech you make, I’ll think to myself, “Is he kidding?” Sometimes I don’t even know – the hallmark of a true comic genius. One day we’re all going to look back on your presidency and have a good laugh, aren’t we?
9. You speak your mind. Sure, it’s hateful nonsense full of racist stereotypic conjectures about other cultures – you know, the “shit hole” places. You don’t let that stop you, though! You put yourself out there, so that legions of other ignorant fools betray their prejudices before us. Thanks to you, people are waking up to the hate and fear that have been hiding under the surface of polite society. People are activating across races, genders, and religions to fight the sickness you’re exposing and that’s a beautiful thing.
10. You really don’t care. Of course I mean this in the best possible way – that nothing deters you from your goal. Not facts or truth or laws or human suffering, not even the wails of a mother and child separated and treated like criminals for seeking asylum at the American border. It’s all just noise to you. Knowing this will make it easier for those of us with consciences to appreciate your downfall without the guilt of feeling sorry for you.
Cause the end is coming, buddy. Which has got to be my biggest reason for loving you right now: your self-destructing presidency represents to me the death throes of a white male patriarchy that’s on its way out. Like your Trump Shutdown: the sooner it ends, the better for us all.