Navigating the relationships that matter most.
🍺🍸 POUR DECISIONS 🍷🍹
Q: Help us settle an argument: Should parents let teens try alcohol as long as it’s under their roof? It seems safer than letting them drink in the woods like we did as kids. What do you think?
A: This gets a hard no. It’s illegal in Pennsylvania for a parent to allow a child to drink, even in the parent’s presence. If one of the people in this argument thinks that drinking isn’t that bad, then they are left with giving messages and information to their children.
When parents drink, occasionally, they can talk with their children about how to do so in moderation. They shouldn’t get drunk in front of their children, and take care to set a good example.
Personally, I think one thing that might drive young people to binge and overdrink when they are of age, is haranguing and claiming that drinking is absolutely wrong and dangerous. Especially if the parents drink. It looks hypocritical.
I prefer talking about how drinking and driving is wrong. How binge drinking can lead to medical emergencies or bad choices. How teens who drink are more likely to have unprotected sex, to be the victims of crime, to have problems in school.
A person who starts drinking as a teenager is four times more likely to develop alcohol dependence than someone who waits until adulthood. Save trying alcohol when the child is 21. Make it normal — no keggers in the house.
MOW VS MOP
Q: My wife and I both work in similar jobs and make about the same salary. When we got married two years ago, we agreed to split the chores fairly. I got yard work, snow shoveling, and car maintenance, and she accepted dishes, cooking, and shopping (we both do our own laundry). She quickly started complaining that her chores were more frequent, but I pointed out that mine were more strenuous, and she admitted she didn’t want to mow the lawn any more than I wanted to scrub pans. Now we have this fight about every 3 months, and we’re not getting anywhere. Help!
A: The first thing to do is to open up the conversation. Just because you two made a decision two years ago, doesn’t mean she is stuck with it for life.
I don’t think this should be settled with a timer and a chart, but that is a start. Sit down and figure out whether this is truly “fair.” A calculation from here says it isn’t even close – the homeworker spends more time. Of course, it depends on the size of the yard, the condition of the home, and whether meals are cooked from scratch or microwaved.
Figure out the weekly or monthly time and add it up annually. What does yours look like?
The math isn’t the full resolution of the matter, though. The calculations and conversation should lead to thinking about what is fair and what could be changed. Maybe she would join you in gardening or mowing the grass. Maybe you could whip up some dinners? Can you afford to bring in outside help to mow the grass or clean the house? How about a food prep service or ordering groceries from home?
For this marriage to truly work, it needs to be more than a contract, with strict conformity to the terms. It needs to be a labor of love. That means listening to each other and sharing the fun and the drudgery. Good luck!
THE GIFT OF PRESENCE
Q: My best friend is going through a tough time and has become increasingly withdrawn. I want to support them, but I’m not sure how to approach the situation without making them feel worse. The last time we talked, they shot down all my suggestions, saying I didn’t understand. That hurts! I’ve known them forever, and feel shut out. What can I do?
A: Your heart is there. Your friend needs your support, not your advice. Leave that to me!
Listen to them. Acknowledge their sadness: “That sounds rough, I’m sorry you’re going through this.” Don’t give suggestions unless they are asked for. Never underestimate the power of a simple cup of tea or coffee, it’s a small caring gesture that creates space and time for conversation. Emphasize that you will be there through this tough time.
Often, people who are depressed or anxious will be reluctant to talk, or will “test” you by telling you what they think you want to hear. Be gentle but do persist. Ask open-ended questions, like “What are your days looking like” or “Tell me more about how you’re feeling” or “What kind of things help — or don’t help?” etc. If all else fails, reassure them that just sitting together quietly is enough, and that you trust that they’ll open up when they’re ready.
Don’t wait to be invited to get involved. It’s often hard for people who are struggling to articulate how you can help them. Think about what they need, and just give it to them. Anything you think of — a car ride, a hot meal, help at home, cash if you can afford it. Ask yourself what you’d do if you were in their shoes, and then do that. Expect nothing in return.
Above all, make time for them with no pressure. Schedule regular get-togethers and/or phone calls, which don’t have to be involved ordeals. Consistent check-ins, even brief ones, send the message that you care. Don’t give up!
Lastly, if at any time you feel your friend is at risk for self-harm, encourage them to get help — they can call 988 at anytime for a full suite of free, confidential support and referrals. If you feel they’re in immediate danger, call 911.
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