Haunted attic? Alien visitations? Mythological sightings? Send your reports to editor@EastFallsLocal.com. The following incidents have been reported in East Falls during the months of March 2018 back thru Nov 2017.
March 1, 2018; 3:33pm
For the first time, the Tiny Fairies of the Four Leaf Clovers have finally decided to become visible to East Falls residents for the entire month. “But only to children with a good heart who listen to their parents,” said Bjorg Baalzaar, spokesfairy for the group, “Also, anyone who is sad that day.” They will be celebrating Aardgaard, a 31-day holiday celebrating goodwill and butterflies. Baalzaar advised Fallsers to keep alert for their distinctive, high-pitched harmonizing from potted plants and window boxes.
March 14, 2018; 5:20pm
Ron and Rhonda Glassberg were strolling through Ainslie Street when the ground shook, the sidewalk cracked and four lime green tentacles emerged from the cracks. One of the tentacles grasped Rhonda’s sneaker and would not let go, despite Ron’s assault. Suddenly, a burst of black ink shot up from the cracks; Rhonda’s shoe popped from her foot with “WHUP!” then the tentacles receded beneath the concrete. Anyone with information is encouraged to come forward.
March 21, 2018; 9:15pm
Harry Dorman of Crawford Street reported an astral traveler at Le Bus’ bar who claimed to be visiting from an advanced meditation class in Mandawa, India. After ordering cocktails that mystically vaporized down his throat, he vanished with the sound of sitar music and chanting. His bill remains unpaid.
February 5, 2018; 8:30am
Bowman Street reported a complete blackout from 1:03 am to 1:05 am, following loud, repetitive “pinging” noises from above that prompted many residents to search outside their residences for its source. Witnesses reported a small “swirly” aircraft that appeared to move in a stuttered or flashing fashion between trees and houses, before fading apparently into thin air. Sara Bosley exclaimed, “THAT was weird.” And then everyone went back to bed.
February 14, 2018; 6:30pm
A luminous, possibly translucent couple dressed in traditional Lenni-Lenape clothing was witnessed lingering on a rocky Wissahickon outcropping known as “Lover’s Leap.” Observers agreed they seemed wistful but determined. After several minutes, they disappeared into the clouds over Lincoln Drive.
February 26, 2018; 10:30am
It was so warm and rainy, that the talking bipedal carp emerged for land spawning two months early. Confused and still sleepy from their hibernation, they stumbled from the river, demanding beer and hot pockets from all they encountered. The onset of evening’s chill, however, forced them back to their watery homes before they could be satisfied. If you see the fishes, residents are advised to feed them only koi food, deny them alcohol, and to take your lithium.
January 4, 2018; 2:30pm
Amelia Earhart’s fully intact plane and personal effects were found near the Wissahickon’s Ten Box parking lot off Lincoln Drive. State and Federal investigators are following leads that an elderly woman in a vintage aviator suit has been seen drinking cheap gin at Murphy’s, complaining that recent newspaper accounts of a skeleton found in the South Pacific were “horse pucky.”
January 12, 2018; 7:30pm
Scott Cook of Foxx Street reported that his full sink of soapy water formed an angry face and demanded that he do the dishes in short order. The water face’s voice sounded eerily like that of his wife, Mildred P. Cook. After he finished the dishes, he drained the face. As it spiraled down the drain, it nagged, “Finally!”
January 16, 2018; 1:15pm
Brian Campbell reported another visit by the all-knowing stones who crawled out of the creek near Rittenhouse Town. When asked what they said, Mr. Campbell replied, “Yes,” then drew a picture of a red-haired man with tiny hands who appeared to be eating his own excrement.
January 21, 2018; 10:00am
The FBI arrived to broaden their investigation into sightings of a rampaging golem at various points around East Falls, mostly in proximity of both Ridge and Conrad business corridors. Agents Melder and Skooly offered no further info or comments, but have since announced an Amulet Alert until the creature can be found and returned to the dust from whence it came.
December 3, 2017; 9:10am
The Guardians of the space/time portal at Winona & Cresson have announced that the passage to other times and realities will be temporary closed for much needed renovations, starting January 3rd. They apologize for any inconvenience, but indicated some tweaks need to be made following the wormhole incident at Franklin’s.
December 10, 2017; 4:20pm
Julie Neuberg witnessed a 73-foot lizard-like creature slithering down Scotts Lane, through Laurel Hill Cemetery, and then into the Schuylkill. Neuberg stated that it made a sound that was very similar to her Uncle Irving’s snoring.
December 14, 2017; 10:40am
Gary Roberts witnessed a pileated woodpecker flawlessly drumming the chorus of “Billy Don’t Be a Hero” on the aluminum roof of his backyard shed. An audio recording provided was determined to be inconclusive.
December 25, 2017; 12:10am
Mr. and Mrs. Richard Diego report that their daughter, Lucia, spotted a group of airborne reindeer over her neighborhood around midnight when she got up for a drink of water. She claims she witnessed them pulling “an old red sled” steered by a mirthful, rotund, white-bearded gentleman in what appeared to be red pajamas. He was accompanied by a half-dozen pre-pubescent males in pointy hats, who were vigorously steadying an enormous sack of packages. Authorities are investigating.
December 31, 2017; 9:30pm
Local authorities were called to Netherfield Road when Gorgon emerged from his crypt to help ring in the New Year. As always, he strutted boastfully from School House to Coulter, naked and partially tumescent. “I am GORGON!” he shouted at cars and passersby until finally subdued with a stun gun. Witnesses agree he seemed considerably drunker than years before.
November 2, 2017; 2:13am
Barry Jenson was bitten by “some sort of hairy beast” at midnight, under a full moon at Inn Yard Park. He now reports irresistible urges to chase squirrels, bark at buses, and lick his privates. Authorities suspect East Falls’ legendary “werewoof” has returned from a generation of dormancy. Neighbors are warned not to leave raw meat unattended and to report any phantasmal barking to 311. Also, look out for human-sized piles of feces on lawns and other green spaces.
November 17, 2017; 8:20am
The Lady in White was observed in a third-story window, staring pleasantly down upon children and mothers gathered outside Penn Charter’s Pre-K building off Stokley Street. Witnesses watched in amazement as she appeared to age 50 years before their eyes, and then was gone without a trace.
November 23, 2018; 5:15pm
The Wilson family of Queen Lane were about to cut into their Thanksgiving turkey when it suddenly regrew its skin, feet, feathers, and beak, then jerked back into life for a full-on attack. “How does it feel, humans?” the re-animated turkey asked the cowering Wilsons. It then ate all the stuffing, cranberry sauce and brussels sprouts, before making a quick exit out the back door.
East Falls Paranomal Activity — OCTOBER
October 7, 2017; 2:10 am John Stevens, Sr called police when the feline mewling in his bushes turned into furious, unearthly screeching that seemed to circle around his historic home on Penn Street. Mr. Stevens along with the reporting officer witnessed a withered face at the window that appeared to be calling, “I’m coming for you, lady!” over and over again. It is unclear who the ghostly visage might be referencing, as Mr. Stevens lives alone and has not dressed up in his mother’s garments for some time.
October 12, 2017; 1 am Debbie Carbunkle of Apalogen Road reported her dog, Sven, was possessed by the demon “Malfador” and beckoned against his will to do unspeakable things with the neighbors’ patio furniture (as seen on their security cameras). He also commanded she hotwire their car for a midnight joyride to Franklin’s for wings and shots of Jack Daniels followed by several voluminous defecations in nearby lawns and gardens. Soon after, Mrs. Carbunkle succeeded in chasing the unholy spirit from her pet using chants and rituals she saw on YouTube. No further action is required. Case Closed.
October 15, 2017 4:30 am Laura Ingram of W. Coulter Street reported that the “tree people” have returned to East Falls. This time they were witnessed marching through McMichael park, arguing about sap and pine cones. Ms. Ingram watched the three arboreal humanoid forms for “about forty yards” then lost sight of them in the foggy glare of Henry Avenue’s traffic. Ms. Ingram was fairly certain they were heading towards Jefferson University. She felt strongly they were not deciduous, and that the male one had a receding tree line.
October 20, 2017; midnight As if right on cue, the East Falls Vampire arrived this month, and attempted to attack Luke Wilson of Fisk Avenue. However, Mr. Wilson’s home was littered with half-eaten containers of Shoprite’s “Extremely Garlic Hummus with Real Holy Water.” The creature was repelled, and last seen running down Cresson towards the train station. Residents are encouraged to wear garlic and stock up on wooden stakes until the first frost (he is a tropical vampire).
October 25, 2017; 10 pm Chuck McDonald reported being tied down again in Laurel Hill Cemetery by the four small, green, glowing men with inhuman strength and luxurious hair recalling a young John Travolta (eg: his Vinnie Babarino phase). Their clothing, too, seemed a little dated, and not terribly flattering. After 30 – 45 minutes of unsolicited but quite professional grooming and foot massage, Mr. McDonald was released unharmed. During this time, the beings appeared to shrink into bullets of light and shoot into space. Investigations are ongoing, please remain on alert at all times and report any suspiciously luminous individuals to the precinct.
East Falls Paranormal Activity — SEPTEMBER
September 5, 2017; 12am Black Skull of Grace’s island — The black stone skull has finally been returned to Grace’s Island at 40.019525, -75.201633. As you know, it’s been absent from the island since last January. No one has stepped forward to claim responsibility.
September 9, 2017; 1:30pm Residents of Weightman Street discovered mysterious words scrawled across their garage doors which, when arranged in a certain order, indicate a demon who calls himself “Evil Bob” will return October 31st to curse the neighborhood and steal the souls of trick-or-treaters. Also, it’s been forever since he’s had a Baby Ruth.
September 7, 2017; 11:59am Vampires are real.
September 12, 2017; 8am Bivan Piktvan reported a rift in the space-time continuum at the corner of Vaux and Tilden Street. He reports that he travelled back 478 years to the planet Nebulon 5, dined on geldacks with the Nebbites for several hours and took part in a reptilian ritual before suddenly re-appearing back in East Falls.
September 15, 2017; 4pm Cody Rumberger was playing with her doll, Mary, after bedtime, when her parents thought she was asleep. At some point (probably after midnight), Cody nodded off and awoke to intermittent rustling sounds and faint childlike giggling. Suddenly, she witnessed Mary walking toward her at a slow, determined pace. Paralyzed with fear, Cody could only tremble in place as her favorite toy marched closer and closer. “It’s time!” she heard the doll rasp at last, before the ten tiny points of Mary’s sharp plastic fingers clawed at the blankets tucked around Cody’s neck.
September 20, 2017; 11pm Five young men were trespassing at an East Falls residence known to be haunted. They gained access to the house via the basement, which was pitch black, except for bright red eyes in a distant corner. Through the darkness, they heard frantic heavy footsteps rushing towards them, but when they turned on a flashlight, the noises ceased. Making their way to the main floor, a tragic presence descended, and the men grew too light-headed to continue further. Even asthma inhalers were no defense against the crushing gloom.
September 27, 2017; 1am Carol Storm was on her porch on Warden Drive, when she heard a bustle in her hedgerow. She then realized a fracas coming from inside her home. When she turned to look in, all the lights went out. She saw the outline of a vaguely luminescent entity rifling through her kitchen. After a few grunts and groans – and a slam of the back door — the lights came back on and all was calm. She then made some nice tea with warm milk and fed the cats, Irving and Febreze.
August 3, 2017; 5pam Don Whan, from 3400 Bowman Ave shared home security camera footage apparently showing evidence of a greenish creature on his property. He claims to have held a 10 minute conversation with the creature around 4:45 AM, when he surprised it napping on his front steps. Although the topic was mostly about fish, amphibians did come up. The creature smelled like it lived in the river.
August 10, 2017; 12am – 2:30am Residents on Stanton street reported seeing at least two dozen white orbs circling St. Bridget’s spires intermittently during the night. They were varying degrees of brightness, and would occasionally arrange to form images or possibly letters of the alphabet. Most neighbors agreed they seemed to be signaling a warning, but it was unclear what that was. To submit your theory, please contact firstname.lastname@example.org.
August 12, 2017; 3am Paul Northfield was walking along the 3200 block of Penn Street when he noticed every door on the block open and close three times, while the street lights flickered and hummed. A teenaged female in a prom dress asked him for a ride, though he was not driving. He called uber, looked up, she was gone.
August 19, 2017; 11:30pm Sol Rosenberg was walking his miniature Doberman on Conrad Street when he heard a strange hissing coming from the gutter. Peering into the opening, he saw a gray-pelted humanoid form with tiny hands and expressive eyes that beckoned him closer — then grabbed for his phone. Local authorities are asking residents to steer clear of sewer intakes and report any suspicious subterranean activity immediately. Also, do not to throw cigarette butts into the gutters, as the creature is believed to be a desperate chain smoker.
July 5, 2017; 9:15pm Marty Lebonowitz (Warden Drive) heard a clear radio signal from deep space on his HAMM radio. “The voice sounded like that of a large insect, if insects could talk and were 8 feet tall,” said Lebonowitz. Mr. Lebonowitz recorded the interstellar communique on a cassette recorder, over his REO Speedwagon tape. Unfortunately, he left the cassette on his stereo speaker overnight and the magnets in the speaker erased the tape.
July 16, 2017; 4:30am The Wissahicken Creek Ghost was spotted again. This would mark the 578th time the transparent, withered head has been seen floating above the creek under Kitchens Lane bridge since 1803. Legend has it that “Old Flo” was swept away in a flash flood in 1799. Her body was never recovered. Three local residents all saw the apparition, and managed to take startlingly clear daguerreotypes which can be viewed here.
July 14, 2017: 1:12am Garret Tucker and Wayne Gothum stopped to explore Hermit’s Cave when the glow and the sound occurred: a whirring, high-pitched sound streaming from a sudden crack in the earth. An orange glow glimmered at first and then became blinding, until the whirring stopped. When their sight returned, the crevice was gone. The cave was as before, but smoldering. The incident is under investigation, and it’s only one in a handful of similar reports at the site.
July 20, 2017; 9:30pm Ezekiel Miller of Calumet Street reported “some kind of whirlwind” in his basement office one evening when he was checking his email. The translucent, spinning object appeared gray in color, and occasionally seemed to portray the face of his dead brother-in-law. Ezekiel could not specifically tell what the entity was doing, but he offered, “I’m pretty sure that rascal was using my computer to download the porns!” Miller’s wife was not available for comment.
July 28, 2017; 10am Manny Schevitz (Netherfield Rd) witnessed a “Sagittarian” creature prancing thru McMichael Park while joyfully singing, “Pan, Pan, the Greek God Pan, One half goat and the other half man…” He vanished as quickly as he appeared, leaving only the soft fading echo of his melody to linger in the summer air. The Friends of McMichael Park had no official comment, although one member who prefers to remain anonymous told us the Friends did not support mythological creatures using the park, “Also, we’re pretty sure that wasn’t a flute in his hands.”
June 6, 2017; 2:13am Ainslie Street resident reported seeing an eight foot tall, fur-covered, bear or humanoid figure behind the dumpsters at Franklin’s. He claimed to hear heavy breathing and grunting. Officer S.A. Squatch did not witness the creature.
June 10, 2017; 1:30pm A dozen commuters at Wissahickon waterfalls confirmed one fisherman’s claims that “some sort of Jersey Devil thing” swooped down to snatch a 10 lb catfish from his line. According to accounts, the man-sized entity had a goat’s head, a reptilian tail, and wings “as big as bed sheets.” Responding officers failed to obtain names or photographs.
June 16, 2017; 4:26am Tilden Street resident reported a glowing orb levitating down the middle of the road. At 3:06am, responding officers witnessed a large levitating decahedron, rotating at a 17.5% vertical axis rotation, approximately 17.678 feet above the ground. After a loud pulsing sound, the decahedron was no longer visible.
June 20, 2017; 12:04am Security cameras at Ravenhill Mansion have captured numerous appearances of a shadowy female figure moving through unoccupied parts of the building overnight. Investigating guards report hearing a woman singing what sounds like a song from a Hollywood musical.