The following unexplained incidents have been reported in East Falls, Germantown and environs so far this year.
All accounts have been verified using undiscovered evidence. Send corrections and additions to editor@nwlocalpaper.com.
CRYPTID WARNING: Pick Up Artist
January 10, 2024
32XX Cresson Street
The Scorpion Man has been observed buying shots for everyone at Franklin’s again, standing at the bar of course because from the waist up he’s sexy af. However his lower half with the scorpion claws and stinger tends to turn off potential suitors, so he hides himself thus in the shadows. He will also attempt to ply women (and men) with free alcohol in the hopes they won’t notice his strangeness. Citizens of East Falls and NW Philadelphia are advised to use caution when drinking with handsome Babylonians who click when they walk.
METEORLOGICAL DISTURBANCE
January 27, 2024
Broad & Spruce Sts
The Fog People came down from the clouds to protest the use of fog machines for the upcoming 2025 run of MJ the Musical at Kimmel. “First it was the dry ice, now it’s machines,” one misty protestor sighed. “At this rate, we’ll all be vapor by next season.”
REMINDER: HADES
February 6, 2024
Wissahickon & environs
Soul-summoning season began last Thursday, when an assembly of Lampade Nymphs led a March of Flames to Greek Underworld with their hypnotic torches last Thursday, collecting a dazed crowd of Northwest neighbors over hill and dale before vanishing into the Wissahickon. To avoid a punishing descent to Hell, locals are strongly advised to avert their eyes from mobile blazes of all kinds from now until Torchfall (Dec 3rd), when the Gates can be sealed once more.
GOBBLIN DRAGNET
March 13, 2024
Philadelphia County
The Office of Otherworldly Enforcement (OOE) seeks information regarding the individual or group responsible for supplying the Falls Bridge troll with burner phones. Reports indicate the troll has been using these devices to “troll” people online, posting cryptic, bridge-related insults on local message boards and Facebook groups, and spreading cruel disinformation about elves and billy goats. Anyone caught enabling the troll will face fines and/or up to 100 hours of community service fielding dog shit complaints on Nextdoor.
SUDDEN-ONSET TELEPATHY
April 9, 2024
27XX Allegheny Ave
Port Richmond man Edward Pierce is recovering from what he’s calling “the worst night of his life” after accidentally discovering he can read minds. Pierce, who insists he gained this ability “the hard way,” described the experience as both overwhelming and, in his words, “very traumatic” and “a psychological dumpster fire.”
“It started with my neighbor thinking about how he hasn’t washed his socks in weeks, and it just got worse from there,” Pierce explained. “By the time I got to the grocery store, I knew the cashier’s tentacle fantasies, the butcher’s raw beef with his sister-in-law, and that the lady in aisle three thinks the canned goods are spying on her.
Investigators have yet to determine the cause of Pierce’s sudden ability, but he’s quarantining at home until he learns how to turn his powers off. Meanwhile, he’s appealing for public understanding and support. “Wow some of you are some seriously sick mfers,” he said, “Don’t expect me to look any of you in the eyes anytime soon.”
SPONTANEOUS TIME SLIP
April 26, 2024
2XX Chelten Ave
Local authorities are investigating an unusual time-travel incident involving Freddie Jones who was tasered after stealing several bags of chips from Park Manor Deli. Sources from the past confirm Jones was dragged into a raucous pub in colonial Philadelphia, where a group of businessmen and politicians were plotting to overthrow English rule. After getting “blackout drunk,” Jones claims he woke up strapped to a gurney, and “the Quaker Oat guy” (who may have been Benjamin Franklin) seemed to be setting up some kind of electrical experiment. “The rest is history. Or will be. I’m still kind of confused,” he said.
Responding officer Anton Davis confirms he has tased “countless” suspects in his career, and was “caught off guard” when Jones flickered out of existence before his eyes, and then again when he reappeared beside him in his squad car, muttering about revolution and needing a nap.
ANTHROPOMORPH-MATH
May 12, 2024
17XX Blair St
Fishtown resident Jimmy Boy has recently come forward with a bizarre claim: he’s being followed by giant numbers at night. Describing them as “vaguely comical, not unlike something you’d see on Sesame Street,” Jimmy reports that the numbers speak to him in cryptic, yet oddly threatening, phrases like “We got your number, Jimmy Boy” and “Ya days is numbered!”
Jimmy, who admits to suffering from severe, undiagnosed Arithmophobia (the fear of numbers), says he’s unsure if this is a personal hallucination or if others have also been targeted by these sinister digits. “I heard you can lie about these numbers, but the numbers don’t lie,” he said, clearly rattled. “I hope that’s not true.”
Authorities are unsure what to make of the situation but are advising Jimmy to “crunch the numbers” as quickly as possible. If anyone has experience with number hauntings—or advanced mathematics—please come forward. Jimmy is counting on you. Literally. 3, 2, 1.
CRYPTID MANIFESTATION (freshwater)
May 29, 2024
Shallow streams, channels, and basins
Authorities are warning locals to stay vigilant after several sightings of siyokoy that have taken up residence in local waterways since August. Described as a cross between the Creature From the Black Lagoon and an elderly Filipino deity, these humanoids sport scaly green skin, fins, gills, and webbed limbs — making them perfectly suited for wooded aquatic environments, where they hide especially well in dead zones and pond scum.
Siyokoys are notorious for their occasional habit of drowning humans, though their most immediate threat may be their overpowering stench. “My god, they reek,” said one witness, “It’s been weeks and I can still can’t smell straight — there’s also a foul aftertaste lingering in my mouth too!” Indeed, the name “siyokoy” loosely translates as “Satan’s taint” in an indigenous dialect.
Efforts are underway to relocate the creatures back to their habitat on Petty Island — preferably closer to Jersey, where experts suspect their odor originated. In the meantime, locals are advised to use caution around creeks, canals, and poorly maintained swimming pools. Residents in high-risk areas are urged to carry clothespins and learn how to swiftly deploy them as nose plugs, if needed.
SPECTRAL LANDSCAPING
June 6, 2024
East Falls/Roxborough + Fairmount Park environs
Residents are once again reporting the return of the Midnight Mowers, a group of invisible lawn care enthusiasts who mysteriously appear after dark to tend to unkempt yards. While some appreciate waking up to freshly mowed lawns, the sound of lawnmowers in the dead of night has left many sleep-deprived and confused.
But the noise isn’t the only problem. The Midnight Mowers’ nighttime weeding habits have caused chaos across the city’s greenest neighborhoods, with countless residents waking up to discover their flowers, shrubs, and even prized bushes ripped out alongside the weeds.
“I thought I was dreaming, but when I woke up, my hydrangeas were gone,” said one local resident. “I mean, I appreciate the free yard work, but can they leave the landscaping alone?!” Authorities are asking anyone hearing lawnmowers in the middle of the night to report it — although experts admit that, since the Midnight Mowers are invisible, there’s little they can do to stop them. Until then, residents are advised to “enjoy the trim but guard the tulips.”
UNWELCOME INHABITANTS (domestic)
July 7, 2024
PUBLIC SERVICE NOTICE
Eviction forms are now available for city employees whose home offices have been occupied by kikimora, attracted to the vacuum created when Mayor Cherelle Parker effectively ended telecommuting this summer. Residents are urged not to engage with or try to reason with the supernatural squatters, “There’s no use, the only words they understand are Slavic curses,” said a spokesperson from the city’s Phantasmunicipal Court, who advised that the creatures, while destructive and terrifying, can spin thread and will darn socks left out at midnight, if you’re lucky. When completing your paperwork please include receipts for all damaged property, and if you are hearing more than occasional screaming at night, please request an expedited ticket.
SPECTRAL IMPOSITION (amateur)
August 1, 2024
Major roadways, city-wide
City authorities are investigating a string of disturbances linked to a kinnari, a half-bird, half-human creature known for her enchanting song and dance. While typically associated with beauty and grace in Tibetan mythology, this Philadelphia manifestation is a mediocre talent (at best) that’s aggressively desperate for attention.
Residents report being startled by spontaneous performances in public spaces, with the kinnari plunging down out of nowhere to deliver hopelessly amateur improv comedy and interpretive dance. Witnesses say the performances are “earnest and extremely inconvenient,” as the kinnari appears most often at rush hour, leading to gridlock and minor fender benders.
Attempts to “politely shoo” her away have been unsuccessful, with one officer noting, “I’ve never seen someone ‘Yes, and’ so relentlessly.” Authorities are advising the public to applaud shows from a distance, and under no circumstances to raise their hand if the kinnari asks for a volunteer.
HAUNTED RIDE SHARE
August 4, 7, 10, 2024
2014 Toyota Yaris
Bulletin: the headless Uber driver was working a few night shifts on September 4, 7, 10, and 19. If you noticed he was headless during your ride, congrats – you did not lose your marbles in his backseat. He materializes every fall. He’s basically harmless except a terrible driver (as you’d expect from anyone missing their head). Whatever you do, don’t say the word “Lyft” — he has surprisingly good hearing for someone lacking ears. Keep an eye out for him, when he heads your way. Or, er, headlesses your way.
SKY FOX ALERT
September 9, 2024
5XXX block of Portico Street (and environs)
Block captains across Germantown have been fielding numerous complaints regarding shocking public displays of affection between longtime resident (and disco legend) Gloria Blair and a celestial fox named Tenko who arrived with the vernal equinox. The immortals have been spotted around the neighborhood, stealing romantic moments and upsetting neighbors who find them “unbearably foxy” – especially when the mystical, phosphorescent creature turns golden and ascends to heaven while Blair gets down to club hits from the ‘70s. The public is advised to keep a safe distance and avoid gazing directly into Tenko’s eyes, which can be unpleasantly mesmerizing (but harmless). Bust a move at your own risk. No further intervention required.
WATER SPRITE (humanoid)
September 15, 2024
Schuylkill River, Wissahickon Creek
Authorities urge city residents to be wary of encounters with a free-swimming Iara, from Brazil, who appears to lone wanderers as a beautiful woman with the bottom half of a river dolphin, and a voice like spun sugar. She has green-colored hair and alluring copper skin that flashes when she swims. While some water maidens do often seek to drown people, this Iara insists she only wants to share her underwater world with humans, where she will dote on them forever and care for their every need. Curious neighbors can learn more by leaning real, real close to the water at midnight, and calling out her name into the darkness. 🧜♀️🌊🪦 Now through the end of the year!
CRYPTID SIGHTING: Peryton
Autumn, 2024
Neighborhoods city-wide
An enormous flying deer has been spotted flying over local business corridors, leaving behind evidence supporting the existence of a juvenile peryton in the area. These half-deer, half-eagle creatures are usually seen in flocks where they are known to nosedive violently upon watercraft. This one, however, appears to be alone and seems to have absorbed the tortured soul of none other than Paul Mastrano, a Roxborough influencer known to dozens as @AngryCheesesteakMan.
Mastrano was infamous for his impassioned tirades about the “decline of quality cheesesteaks” in the area before mysteriously vanishing. It seems his grievances have now taken flight — literally. Witnesses report the possessed peryton swooping down from rooftops, bellowing “Too much provolone, not enough heart!” while soaring over popular sandwich shops, particularly those who are no longer run by the original owners.
Though unsettling, officials assure residents that the grease-scented creature poses no immediate danger, aside from its loud complaints and the astonishing variety of obscenities it will hurl at long lines of customers. Neighbors are advised to use the buddy system when procuring hot beef sandwiches of all kinds until further notice, and to report any suspicious pools of cheese whiz to the proper authorities.
☎️ PARANORMAL HOTLINE ☎️
VOICEMAIL: Albanian Goblin (check-in)
February 4, 2024 (12:01am)
Paranormal Hotline
I am Drangùe. Pleased to make your acquaintance. I am human-born, and only partially mythical. I see you staring at my wings when I’m out on the town. Gawking and pointing. It’s not polite. I have no appetite for smite, so don’t push me. I don’t know, but SOME of you say I’m angelic-looking. I don’t want to brag but I do have innate super strength, lightning powers, and the ability to summon meteors. If the kulshedra, the demon of storms and fire, shows up – I’m not here. Out.
VOICEMAIL: Space/Time Slip (dispatch)
Paranormal Hotline, March 31, 2024 (1pm)
I’m reporting a paranormal event in Germantown and would like to know if any other callers have reported that all the houses on Pulaski Street switched to the opposite side of the street overnight? Just swapped sides, every one of them. The mail’s still all mixed up, we’re all turned around. It’s a real mess out here. Someone gonna fix this?
VOICEMAIL: Arboreal Animation (investigation ticket)
Paranormal Hotline, July 11, 2024 (8:20am)
Once you see it, you can’t unsee it: all the trees were waving at me – not waving in the wind, as I’d thought, but they were literally waving. At. Me. Now I’m like, how many years have trees been waving at me? And I never once, til now, waved back. It’s a whole new world! Go on, look outside right now, I bet you’ll see a few trees waving at you as we speak. For real, go ahead and do it. I’m serious! Just wave back this time, will ya? You’ll thank me later.
VOICEMAIL: Atmospheric Malice (query)
August 16, 2024 (5:10pm)
Paranormal Hotline
Explosive convection clouds blooming in the sky. You decide: Giant Dragon breath or Sky Garden carefully cultivated by the gods? Seriously, which one is it? I’m leaning toward the dragon. Lemme know if its time to start panicking.
VOICEMAIL: Bewitched Flatware (alleged)
October 22, 2024 (10:45am)
Paranormal Hotline
Don’t be alarmed, but there are invisible spoons at NouVaux Market, way in the back. They’re hard to find. I saw some lady eating her yogurt with one of them, it was spooky. Pretty sure it’s some kind of ai experiment. Ed knows something, but he’s not talking.
Stay vigilant, readers! Report sightings and suspicions to editor@nwlocalpaper.com. And have a happy Halloween! 🎃👻👽💀
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