The following unexplained incidents have been reported in East Falls, Germantown and environs so far this year.
All accounts have been verified using undiscovered evidence. Send corrections and additions to editor@nwlocalpaper.com.
CHINDI ACTIVITY (aggravating)
January 11, 2022
Wayne & Queen
Adriel Bennally reports having difficulty with his deceased wife Linda, who in her chindi state has terrorized and ultimately chased off every one of Compl’s subsequent girlfriends. In addition, her spirit feigns surprise whenever he cooks or cleans, heckling him about how lazy he was when she was alive. Several times a night, Compl is awakened by the sensation of her “bony elbow” jabbing his lower back (this is how she used to stop him from snoring). Compl requests documentation for insurance claim to cover cost of exorcism.
PHANTOM JAIL BREAK
January 29, 2022
22nd & Brown
Golden Taxi Driver Tom Lanky was an unwitting accomplice when one of Eastern State Penitentiary’s most dangerous spirits absconded from the prison walls for a three-day bender across the Delaware Valley. As an inmate, Dr. Morris Bolber wasted away in jail while serving a life sentence for murder/insurance fraud, but at the time of pick-up, he appeared young and healthy, in natty Depression-era garb that blended seamlessly into the hipster crowd milling around after Halloween Nights.
Once inside Lanky’s 2015 Honda Civic, the specter “howled with laughter” as an unseen force locked the doors, took the wheel, and careened from “one den of iniquity after another” before a medium was able to trap it outside Lou Turk’s cabaret in Essington. “I know it sounds like a great time, but I’ve never been so scared in my life,” Lanky told investigators, asserting no prior experience with the paranormal. Dr. Bolber’s ghost has been returned to his cell without comment or incident.
SAVE THE DATE!
UNICORNS!!!
Philadelphia’s ♾th Annual Unicorn Parade starts, as usual, on the third Monday after Fairy Spring, one and a half twinkles before daylight. All welcome (Straight Horns please wear appropriate protective gear). Magicorns are asked to come an hour early to help set up the floats of enchantment. Procession leaves from the rooftop of Uptown Theater, soaring south on Broad Street for eight miles before landing in a rainbow at FDR park’s gazebo. Light refreshments served. PS Pegasus will lead again this year, and if anyone has a problem with this speak to Oleander.
DEJA VU (epidemic)
February 2, 2022
Coleman Library, Germantown
Local news held a community panel asking neighbors how they felt about the latest awful story in the city, and what they thought could be done to help matters. After an enlightening Q&A, everyone went home and did nothing. Corporate non-profits wrote up the event for grant money to fund the next panel discussion. “If only they could just invest the money in us directly,” someone said again, as a shiver of shared memory faded once more into hopelessness.
ACCIDENTAL MAGIC
March 6, 2022
Bella Vista
Authorities were called to Bardascino Park after several urgent 911 calls reported “hysterical screaming” from a man who appeared to be leaping effortlessly from tree to tree in a blind panic. “He wasn’t even using his hands!” said one witness, who described “long silvery threads shooting from [the man’s] fingers”. A passing Dungeon Master recognized the man’s shiny black robe as a Cloak of Arachnida, which accounted for his spider-like powers. Indeed, the man had unwittingly purchased the magical textile at Black Soul Vintage earlier that day. He was quickly talked down to remove his cloak, which will be donated to nerd-friendly charities. Black Soul Vintage confirms the transaction but denies any paranormal knowledge or culpability. “It’s pretty dope though” they added. No charges filed.
FULL BODY APPARITION
March 21, 2022
Old Navy (Chestnut Street)
The ghost of an 11 year old boy was taken into custody after ogling numerous shoppers through what appeared to be classic X-Ray Spex from 1950’s comic books. Security guards swiftly apprehended the youth, who was greatly agitated that the lenses did not work, and insistent upon warning others. “You really can die of disappointment, you know,” he said in the squad car on the way to booking, before fading away into nothingness.
INTERSTATE PARANORMAL DISPATCH: Traveling Phantasm
April 8, 2022
City-wide alert
Officers from a rural county in Alabama warned the city’s Paranormal Protection Division that Huggin’ Molly may be headed to town! The grabby entity was observed crossing state lines earlier this morning. According to poltergeistic wall scribble, her most likely destination is Philadelphia, where she first learned to skulk children in our shaded parks and cobblestone alleys.
Center City parents are urged to look out for a 7-foot tall woman dressed in black with an extremely large-brimmed hat, beckoning children to embrace her. Though her powerful grip is quite frightening, to date she has never been known to harm a child physically, unless you count screaming in their ears. “Regardless, we recommend parents err on the side of caution if a dark, looming presence tries to cuddle your child,” a PPD spokesperson said, adding that while true Huggin’ Molly sightings are rare, “it’s just not worth the risk.”
ABC SPOTTING
April 20, 2022
Forbidden Drive
A Chestnut Hill boutique owner’s grainy photo has convinced many that there is a new Alien Big Cat occupying the Wissahickon forests, hunting for souls to feed on. These phantom felines are thought to be an endemic species of shape-shifter that’s particularly drawn to illicit campfires and underage drinking. Local youth are implored to imbibe in shifts for protection.
VOICEMAIL FROM THE TIME BEING
May 1, 2022
(location unknown)
Hello it’s the Time Being. You people gotta stop saying you’re doing something “for the Time Being”, and then never following through. Maddening! It’s not like I even care about your little offerings, either, it’s just – why do you keep invoking me, then just leave me hanging? Is this some weird game or a test? Or is it me? Am I misunderstanding something? Wait. Ohhhhhh… I get it now. Nevermind.
TRANSCENDENTAL BRAIN EVENT
May 13, 2022
Somewhere in Mt Airy
No sooner had Laticia Algernon regained consciousness from her self-trepanation did she realize that the world we perceive is a mirage: a complex illusion of false sense stimuli designed to blindfold the Third Eye. As she marveled under a stream of brilliant new insights into Life and the Universe Itself, she tripped over a coffee table and face-planted into her iguana Ziggy’s aquarium, knocking herself out again on his heat rock. She came to hours later, her miraculous experience faded as a dream – unreal, except for a sharp, lingering headache and streaks of lizard poo on her sweater. “The first time is always an experiment,” she told some throw pillows arranged as a news crew.
INAPPROPRIATE MANIFESTATIONS (outdoor)
May 27, 2022
SRT (Kelly Drive)
The Invisible Hand of the Market has been groping cyclists again, this time along the Schuylkill River Trail where a new Indego station in East Falls has increased bicycle traffic greatly on this popular multi-purpose path. “At first I thought it was the wind but then I was like, wait, how is the breeze getting UNDER my clothes?!” said one witness, while another reported feeling “expertly goosed.” An elderly woman on a red Cannondale confirmed, “This Hand knew what it was doing!” and volunteered to “distract” the entity until it could be properly contained. No further action has been taken.
SUSPECTED SUCCUBUS
June 3, 2022
15th & McKean
Police were dispatched to a South Philly apartment after a resident called 911 to report that the woman he’d taken home from Noah’s Ark bar was a fiend from Hades and not Roxborough as she’d claimed. “She kissed me and it was like an iceberg jammed into my mouth,” he said, after which his entire body went limp and the demon proceeded to “lick my pupils and the bones under my skin” until compl passed out from powerful electric and “not entirely unpleasant” sensations. He awoke to find himself alone and apparently unharmed. Subsequent attempts to track the entity down have proven fruitless, neighbors are advised to remain aware of hellbound harpies after last call (this one said her name was “Lisa.”)
SPIRIT PORTAL OPENING (spontaneous)
July 4, 2022
Independence Mall
Tourists in the city’s most historic district were shocked by the sight of flickering 18th century figures scowling judgmentally and shaking their fists in people’s faces. “You’re killing our beautiful democracy!” they could be heard wailing over the din of city traffic. Older men in red hats seemed especially targeted, and are encouraged to learn more about what actually happened in 1776.
MISSING PERSON ALERT (inter-dimensional)
July 10, 2022
The Betwixt
A mysterious electronic transmission materialized seemingly from nowhere one morning onto the phones of all the employees of The Local newspaper on Chelten Ave. The text, purporting to be from a Ms. F.L. Kinsley of Nicetown, begins mysteriously: “Got swept up into the Between, that’s what happened” it said, “and that’s where I still am now.”
Citing irreproducible and highly dubious research, The Local’s investigative team quickly confirmed Ms. Kingsley’s claim that there is a “layer” between our material world and the plane that some call the Afterlife. The commonality these two worlds share is an electrical state of suspension known as “The Between” (aka “The Betwixt”), which has currently trapped and/or disoriented Ms. Kinsley, who describes her situation as “indescribable.”
Ms. Kinsley related that the last thing she remembers is falling asleep in the bathtub with her headphones on, when she was awakened by a painful shock “then everything went silent and gray.” No further communications have been forthcoming. This is a developing story.
RECKLESS DYBBUK UNBOXING
July 21, 2022
Gayborhood
Winnifred Smize faces state and federal charges after knowingly and willfully releasing the malignant spirit of a cursed 16th century highwayman encased in a small leather-bound wine cabinet that many various owners over centuries were careful never to open. Although the vendor at Cherry Street Pier’s weekend flea market warned Smize at purchase profusely about the item’s dark powers, she admitted to opening the latch, checking all the drawers, and “jiggling it around a bit,” before hiding it in her apartment building’s lobby behind a corn plant. Its sinister host terrorized tenants and employees for weeks until a qualified coven of witches could be found to perform the re-encasement (at cost to the tenants).
Smize pled “Not Guilty By Reason This Shit Does Not Exist.” She was let off with a warning after signing an undisclosed agreement with the court, and relinquishing the vessel to Harry’s World Mystical Emporium, where it now can be rented for break-ups, parties, and evictions.
GROUP HYSTERIA (unexplained)
August 5, 2022
Roxborough
Patrons assembled outside a mystifyingly popular neighborhood eatery simultaneously awoke from a mass hallucination in a sudden exodus that left dozens emotional and hungry. The crowd ended up in Acme’s parking lot, where witnesses expressed feelings of dawning consciousness.
“One second, I was standing in line for my cheesesteak, and then it’s like POOF a light goes on and I’m like ‘You know what? These cheesesteaks suck!’” said one woman, who called herself “grateful” to finally be able to speak “what her heart and tastebuds have always known.”
A man who said his name was Dino related, “Gosh I honestly don’t know why we were all so fixated on this place – and really defensive about it on social media!” Dino further admitted that he had spent many hours writing effusive Yelp and Google reviews that he “even then knew were way overrated.”
A paranormal expert on the scene explained that food-based hypnosis isn’t so much on the rise now as it is just getting more acceptance lately. “It’s OK to admit you were under a spell of self-delusion,” they said, “Own it, and move on. There are better options literally steps away.”
FOUND: Doppelganger
August 16, 2022
Fishtown
Neighbors mobilized a search after Stu Blabsworth’s doppelganger reported it hadn’t seen the longtime resident in over a week.
“There he is!” witnesses said.
“No that’s just me,” said the doppelganger.
“How ‘bout there?” they asked.
“Nope, me again!” said the doppelganger, “You’ll know it’s him when there’s two of us.”
A debate about whether Stu was actually missing (and if doppelgangers are really a thing) quickly carried over to a nearby bar.
GHOUL INFESTATION
September 9, 2022
Germantown “Business” District
Despite repeated, vigorous banishment rituals, a pestilence of young ghouls continues to inhabit the Men’s Room at a popular Halal eatery. Patrons report hazy humanoid forms that steal coins and brag about eating people. Management blames rampant construction for displacing occupying entities who have nowhere left to inhabit. “Philadelphia has thousands of abandoned properties – if they can’t help the Unhoused, at least give the Otherworldly a shot at them,” they pleaded in a recent email blast. Meanwhile, customers have been urged to stay vigilant when visiting the toilet, and consider only going Number One.
FREE! Poison Pen (gently used)
Handsome antique fountain pen accurately inscribes future outcomes for family, friends, and even your own death. Uses automatic writing and basic sorcery. A fun easy way predict and control your fate – or is it?! Maybe this is some kind of ploy to unload a cursed object on some unsuspecting fool? Nevermind it’s very valuable, trust me. DM @ChaosChuck now and I’ll throw in a magic compact that definitely won’t reflect your most painful secrets.
ENERGY EATER (humanoid)
September 15, 2022
East Falls
After dozens of provisional exorcisms from Northwest Philadelphia since 1971, The Faceless Man has been spotted again, this time in the dark corners of an East Falls shot ‘n beer joint called Cranky Joe’s. Upon feeding generously on the life force of three 20-somethings playing darts in an upstairs ballroom, he ordered 8 shots of top shelf tequila and some onion rings at the bar. Terrified patrons were too rattled to figure out how he consumed all that without a mouth (since he has no face).
Police admit the futility of trying to ID a guy with no facial features but did all the paperwork anyway. “If you see someone who doesn’t look like anyone it’s probably him,” they advise. The three victims (recovering comfortably) confirm they’d never not seen anyone like him. Keep your eyes peeled.
DEJA VU (epidemic)
October 2, 2022
Guerin Recreation Center, South Phila
Local news held a community panel asking neighbors how they felt about the latest awful story in the city, and what they thought could be done to help matters. After an enlightening Q&A, everyone went home and did nothing. Corporate non-profits wrote up the event for grant money to fund the next panel discussion. “If only they could just invest the money in us directly,” someone said again, as a shiver of shared memory faded once more into hopelessness.
WHISPERING WRAITHS
October 23, 2022
Laurel Hill Cemetery
A famous local landmark is undergoing a paranormal audit again after a sharp uptick in disembodied voices reported among the graves, as well as ghostly bangs and whistles. At a recent press conference, Laurel Hill’s senior medium Josh Yu reassured the nervous crowd of runners, dog walkers and cemetery buffs that there’s “absolutely no evidence” that the noisy spirits are ill-intentioned, despite their fervent tone. “From what we’ve been able to decipher, it looks like they’re just really excited about the Phillies,” he said. An audio recording of the event documented a Class A EVP here: “Eagles toooooo…”
Stay vigilant, readers! Report sightings and suspicions to editor@nwlocalpaper.com. And have a happy Halloween! 🎃👻👽💀
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