SEPTEMBER: First days of school, last sips of summer. ☀️📚 This month hits the gas and the brakes all at once — slamming us into schedules while golden hour lingers like it forgot something. 🍂 This year’s Corn Moon 🌕 rises in dreamy Pisces on the 7th, softening the seasonal flip-switch with misty nostalgia and late-night what-ifs. 🫧
Our mood board: new shoes 👞, PTA sign-up sheets📝, and the faint scent of Elmers glue + pumpkin spice in the air. ✏️🎃 The calendar’s got some curveballs too: National Cheese Pizza Day 🧀🍕 (9/5), Make Your Bed Day 🛏️ (9/11), and Talk Like a Pirate Day 🏴☠️ (9/19) — proof that adultin’ doesn’t mean swabbin’ the fun off the deck, arrrr!
The pace picks up, the daylight slips — and suddenly it’s a race to keep up with yourself. So take a deep breath. The year’s turning, and maybe so are you. Time to shift course and make space for changing rhythms. 🌾💫
Brunchin at Loco Pez. You asked where Susquehanna Ave was. But I had so many questions of my own, starting with why you were wearing a ballgown at 2pm on a Sunday afternoon in Fishtown. And why were you crying? The waiter guessed you were a runaway bride but I’m like no way, your dress wasn’t white. Reach out if you want to talk, we’re all very curious. ~ Brenda and friends
WORDLE, DERM OFFICE, TUESDAY – You guessed “CRISP.” I guessed “CUTE.” One of us was right. I left with a real itch… to find you. Are you game? ~ Player 2
Equally impatient with crowds, we ditched the party together even though we were strangers, and oddly hung on. I talked your ear off while you laughed your ass off. By night’s end, we’d both lost our minds, too. You’ll find my number etched into the underside of your coffee table. Text me. ~ Red Stiletto
Scientists have successfully grown human vocal cords from stem cells in the lab. The results speak for themselves. #dadjokes
🙌 FREE: Intro to Rowing (Sat Sept 6) 🛶 Paddle the Schuylkill with City Rowing instructors teaching basic techniques in two fun, engaging workshops. Registration required, myphillypark.org for details
That was my Clive Christian No. 1 Imperial Majesty Perfume you lavishly blanketed the bathroom with after you deposited your No. 2. NON air freshener. Now it smells like Kate Middleton’s ass after a Taco Bell bender (don’t ask me how I know). So you broke the seal on a 2006 collector’s bottle, dumbass, I’m suing you for $250k. ~ Fergie
Having been unable to strengthen justice, we have justified strength. ~ Blaise Pascal, philosopher and mathematician (1623-1662)
You were a vision at Flourtown Farmers Market, savoring the fuzz of summer’s last peaches on your cheek. “You gonna buy that?” I asked, and you turned to me and said, “What are you looking at, pervert?” Jeez. You were the one fondling the produce. ~ Capt Chucky
✨Designer Consignment is Coming to Town! Sept 18 – 21 at Oaks Expo Center. It’s like Christmas, ladies, but all the presents are for you. Huge selection of labels, styles, sizes. Priced for the birds, cheep cheep. Bobsale.com 👚👢👜⌚
Today I Learned that David Bowie called aging “an extraordinary process whereby you become the person you always should have been.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen a better definition of the word. AARP, please copy. ~ Mr. Smith
For the people who make avocados: would it kill you to put a different toy inside? I have like 50 wooden balls already. ~ Cindy B.
Out of nowhere, you said I looked like Sufjan Stevens – and boom! Your unexpected, unsolicited compliment made my day. Gonna pay it forward, and tell the next woman I see she’s got a great rack or something. #Inspired
💍🫶 ✨ Congratulations to fellow Pennsylvanian Taylor Swift on her engagement to NFL star Travis Kelce. To celebrate this event, I think we should release the Epstein files! #StillHauntingYou
Darien, if you see this, I found just the place to ditch your haunted Jumeau bébé doll. There’s a free walking tour of all those old Victorian houses along Parkside Avenue on the 13th of this month. Right?! Meet me at the School of the Future at 10am, Sat Sept 13th but register us both first OK? @myphillypark ($10)
Slavery wasn’t that bad, but the Cracker Barrell logo redesign is an ATTACK ON THE VERY SOUL OF OUR NATION!!!! (Am I doing this right?) #flaglicker
Uber After? You took me in your red Honda from Center City to the Northeast, and on the way we chatted, mostly about how weird it is that the freedoms and opportunities your family came here for now seem easier to find in your original homeland. Just wanted to say I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d move back with you. ~ Nothing to Lose
Christ, Jesus, what’s up with your Mexican Jumping Bean Bag chair? Not cozy!!! In fact, deeply disturbing. Next time, I get the Selective Memory Foam lounger and you try to sleep on that madness. ~ Mr. Puebladelphia
To the crooked man who hooked me, fair and square: congratulations! Normally my guard is up but your expert lies made it past my defenses. Props to your wife, she has your number, doesn’t she? Fair enough, darling, go ef yourself. ~ Jennifer
Does anyone know a lady with a black Corvette that says “5EXTRA8” on the license plate? We talked in traffic on Broad after the last Phil’s game until like Pattison, then got stuck next to each other again in a jam on I-95. I feel like that means something, here goes nothing. ~ Bill Leever
🐦👀 Birding on Belmont Plateau, join us to peep local tweeters! SAT SEPT 13, 10am (meet in parking lot). FREE @tbwildlife
What if all I really want in a relationship is an emergency contact? And we can like check each other for ticks and actually anything that requires another pair of hands or set of eyeballs or local address. I feel like the right person’ll read this and know exactly where I’m coming from. ~ Square Peg
Compassion is not weakness and concern for the unfortunate is not socialism. ~ Hubert Humphrey, US Vice President (1911-1978)
Nothing’s funnier to me lately than all the single men bitching about women “settling” for sex toys and cats instead of relationships. Dude, if a woman would rather keep company with a vibrating wand and a captive predator that shits in a box, I think some self-reflection is in order. That’s on you, boo. ~ Auntie C
Friday Night on SRT: You flew by me on your bike, going so fast but yet it’s like I can see you in slow-mo. Camo shorts, green button-down – fitted! Radiant hair sweeping from your sleek black helmet. And a chin so sharp it could slice cheese. HOT! Be honest – are you… by any chance… Gavin Newsome? #MAGA2.0
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies when they come. #FACTS 🧟
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people understand this. #dadjokes
This is for Jules at the bar (Xfinity Live 8/20), telling me how down and unlovable you felt. All the while, my heart was melting at your cuteness. I’m a sucker for big glasses, for a girl in a boyish Phillies jersey with a red ribbon in her dark, fragrant hair. You kept asking my opinion on different guys you might hit on. I couldn’t dare say “Pick me!” but I was thinking it. Still am. ~ Your Bud Light Buddy
When it happens, you’re probably not even going to learn about it directly before you feel it in the air. You’ll just hear car horns and cheering in the streets. You’ll feel confused, anxious. You’ll check your phone. Huh, 41 new texts. 🍾✨💃🕺
Warning for Pet Owners – my foster puppy collapsed after walking around Inn Yard Park on Kelly Drive (East Falls). The vet said she tested positive for THC and meth!!! Please keep a close eye on what your pets might pick up off the ground. She’s recovering, but still. ~ Suzanne
The Suite Life – I’m back at my balcony studio, if you’re working the games this season. I know, I’m supposed to be at practice but all I can I think about it scoring with you. ~ Passes Not Plays
Locking Eyes on PATCO (8th & Market) Of all the lives I’ve imagined leading with strangers on trains, you were the one. From the rubber bands on your wrist to your lashes fluttering like dove wings across the Delaware — with your Doc Martens tapping to whatever was pulsing through your wired headphones (respect), you might be the final outlier on Philly’s bell curve of allure. But alas — I’m married. In case you were wondering why I didn’t ask you out as we stood, climbed the stairs, nearly hand in hand… until a pylon you off from me and I never saw you again. ~ Derailed
🎶🐦 Rockin’ Robins! Turn up the tweedly-dee with the Bird Song Project at the Discovery Center (Sept 2 thru 27). Celebrate our feathered friends with music and art in an immersive natural environment. Featuring 220+ musical pieces inspired by bird calls (and compiled by a Grammy-winning producer). FREE discoveryphila.org
HVAC, ASAP: You touched my coils, you knew the codes – my unit whirred to life. Wish I’d thought to inquire about a maintenance plan, please hmu if you see this. ~ Mr Discretion 🤫
Toothless senior at the Dairy Queen, enjoying your soft serve just a little too much, for my comfort. I can’t get what you said about your “gum muscles” out of my mind. Now I’m squeamishly intrigued and praying my curiosity doesn’t get the best of me. ~ My Eyes
Kristi Noem is like a box of chocolates. They’ll both kill your dog. ~ Booker, Kennedy & Kassidy
I can explain everything. It all started when I was hiking by the creek and a gnat flew right into my third eye, oh no! So I acquired the gnat’s vision (as you do) and spent the next two days flitting around the forest, wild for fresh deer poop which I now know is like the best place to put your eggs, if you’re a gnat. That’s how we ran into you by Devil’s Pool on Sunday. So you put down your phone to swat at us, and that’s how I saw you were texting Ronnie again, you cheater, I want a divorce. ~ Swarm Swami
PSA: You might think of @TheFallserClub as a popular music venue, but did you know it’s the perfect place for quilting bee? Especially the kind that are really bachelorette parties in disguise. 😎💃🍸👯♂️🎈
He called it a “situationship” but back in my day it was “friends with benefits.” Either way, he’s paying for dinner and tickets and anything else he wants to do when we’re together. And this doesn’t make me a sex worker, Bradley, it’s basic biology. Think please before you call me again. ~ Jada
👟🏀⚾ ALL WELCOME: Free Family Field Day in Fairmount Park! Sports, prizes, concessions, entertainment, more! Celebrate safe, inclusive recreation. 🎈🎶🍕🥇 Sat Sept 20, 10am – 2pm.
Oh come ON, Deborah. I know that was you sitting there with your stupid muffin in Einstein’s cafeteria. Staring at it like it held the world’s secrets so you didn’t have to say hi to me. Ha! I’m still the wife, bitch. Visit him if you want but I’m the one who’ll pull the plug sooner rather than later. ~ Legal AF
Blonde chick at PennDOT on a weekday afternoon, holding up the line for photos while you worked on your perfect pout. I was the guy in the black Teamsters shirt, and you’re lucky I was next in line b/c the folks behind me were ready to beat your ass but I said you were my mentally disabled sister and that chilled everyone out. You’re welcome. I’m Jim, if you’d like to thank me personally.
Help! I accidently used dark humor with normal people and now they’re concerned about my mental health. #awkward
Nosy neighbor alert! Find out what those nature freaks at @SchuylkillCenter are up to on their wild little preserve. Thurs Sept 25 (6 – 8pm). Free drinks, snacks, and staff updates. 🍷🥨ℹ️
Suraya, can we have a do-over? I don’t know what I was thinking, bringing up rimming at dinner with your parents. You know how I babble when I’m anxious! ~ T. Retz
Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety. – Benjamin Franklin, 1755
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