Missed Connections: AUGUST 2026

Make a wish. Then lower your expectations.

DR KARL’s KALL-OUTS FOR AUGUST 2026

@SwampoodleGOAT: Your mother did not “violate your brand guidelines” by choosing her to wear her Garfield sweater instead of your logo tee in your Tiktok skit where she is at best a hesitant participant. Read the room.

Samir near Carpenter’s Woods: I believe you when you say the raccoon started it. I’m still unclear why you felt compelled to finish it. Do you want rabies? Because this is how you get rabies.

Imani off Baltimore Ave: If you truly believe your neighbor’s wind chimes are fat-shaming you in morse code, then ask. But at least leave your feelings out of it. Find out if they can communicate in a general way first. Perhaps they don’t even speak English, and this is all a misunderstanding.

Nico on Chelten Ave: You keep getting bounced from funerals because despite all the people in suits, these are not networking events. And those are memorial cards, dude. Not leads.

Rory in Penn Knox: Jennika has a point. Introducing her as “my first wife” sends very mixed signals. Especially when you aren’t married. I’d hold off on that cross-country RV trip.

@ExitLiquidity: Before hiring a medium to contact your late uncle for his seed phrase card, check the rusty coffee can in his grappa cabinet, behind the homemade Sambuca. (You mentioned he was both paranoid and Italian.)

Petty Cash Patty: While I agree your ex should cover their share of the remaining bills, your itemized Damages Invoice for “lying, cheating, and dumbassery” is pushing it. I admire the nerve of the 18% emotional handling fee, though.

Dear readers, my advice is free of charge. For your own personal Kall-Out email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. Tasteful pics only. ~ Dr. Karl

There you were at the DMV. Tight. Together. On top of it. So clearly very capable at your job. You winked at me from across the room, and diddled my fingers when I handed you my paperwork. Oh my! I was still blushing when my new plates and title were ready. Baby, you can drive my car anytime. ~ Silver Camry ’01

Sleeping with the enemy, running down a dream. Giving off weird energy, too silver for a seam. Do you see me — Can you know the nothingness inside? Did you hear that — Don’t you sense the carriage passing by? If you’re out there — here’s your sign to make some meaning while there’s time. ~ Nobody’s Poet

Kind heart seeks same for feathered flights of fancy Thursday Aug 27 (7 – 9pm). You bring binoculars. I’ll bring the blanket and a backpack full of snacks. We’ll lie back and look up while the sky fills with nighthawks streaming southward. Discovery Center says no birding experience required which is great because I have no idea what a nighthawk is. Nor any expectations from your company. ~ Daphne

You: the guy at happy hour who somehow steered every conversation back to the fact that you were once a contestant on Card Sharks. You spoke with the swagger of a man who thinks his one afternoon of daytime television 40+ years ago makes him a celebrity. Your mozz sticks congealed while you re-enacted your signature “double thumbs” gesture with different head bobs for “Higher!” and “Lower!” Lucky you got dealt the Queen that night: me (and my thing for Jim Perry). 💋♠️♥️♣️♦️

Is it? Is it really murder if I simply release a sackful of trained attack rats in the park? Aren’t the rats really the guilty parties here? ~ Just an Accomplice

I KNEW YOU’D COME BACK! Ten years is a long time to stand around at 17% waiting for someone to climb you. And now I’m wondering: have I still got it? That flashy little Sprint Zone in East Falls gets all the speed while I’m expected to bring the spectacle. Please come scream for me Aug 30^th at Main & Levering. I need to know I can still make ’em suffer. ~ The Manayunk Wall

If you think liberals steal elections and control the weather but also let Republicans control all three branches of government, you may be stupid beyond repair. Sorry. ~ Tom H.

The true civilization is where every man gives to every other every right that he claims for himself. ~ Robert Green Ingersoll, American lawyer and orator (1833-1899)

Mon cher…. I finally figured out that I’m more attracted to your French Canadian accent than your actual self, which is old and pale and quite slovenly if I’m being honest about your “tiny house” or shed or whatever it is. Please don’t take this personally, but if we could downgrade our situationship into a phone romance that’d be magnifique. Call me. Literally and, preferably, only.   ~ All Ears

You filthy animal!!!! 🐽 Oh Julie, how thrilling when you went hog wild on those pig wings. Mmmm… grunting, double-fisting, sauce dripping down your chin. The crowd at Murphy’s was horrified. I however was enchanted by your complete disregard for polite society. Such naked abandon! Next time you want to pig out, call me. I’ll bring the wet wipes. And my hammy heart. ~ Porky Pete

FREE HOTDOGS from the Incredible Local Weenie Machine at Germantown Gatherings: 9/12 (Grumblethorpe) & 10/10 (Hood Cemetery). Music and family-friendly fun, too. Includes one bun plus ketchup and/or mustard.

To my overly optimistic bedmate: just because I go to sleep in pajamas and wake up naked doesn’t mean I’m sending you a signal. Apparently I’m a sleep stripper. I have no memory of removing anything, although judging by the trail of clothing from bed to bathroom I put on quite a show. Please enjoy responsibly and stop taking it personally when I snore through the encore. ~ Fully Unaware

I ran my hand across the pignut. Stroked the shagbark. Hickory dickory, Doc — I got the fever. Now I can’t pass a mature hardwood without wondering what’s under the bark. Looking for someone who understands the pull of a rough exterior, deep roots, and a sturdy trunk. Meet me under the canopy. I’ll be the one pretending this is about trees. ~ Sapiosexual

🍯Sweet ‘n Sticky: queen bee seeks lively drone for innocent fun at Wyck’s Philadelphia Honey Festival. Meet me in the apiary for honey tastings, mead cocktails, and a beard of live buzzing beauties on face duty. Sat Sept 12^th. I’ll be the blonde in the bee balm corsage.   ~ Ms. Slumgum  ps. BYO EpiPen!  🐝🐝🐝

Well, Capt Crunk, that nonsense was surely a shot across the brow. Landed squarely on my forehead. Let me wipe it down so that I may retort. Please quiet your cannons for a moment and redirect your attention to my gorgeous eyes. There. Better? Now say something stupid again. I’m beginning to enjoy this. ~ Broadside Betty at The Dive

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all. ~ Ogden Nash, poet (1902-1971)

END OF SEASON THANKS — To everyone who saw the NO SWIMMING signs at Devil’s Pool this summer and thought, “Surely they don’t mean me”: from the bottom of my black little heart, thank you. I’ve spent eons perfecting the art of temptation and lately I barely have to lift a pitchfork. As summer winds down, please know your poor decisions have been noticed and deeply appreciated. See you next year. ~ The Devil

Reviewers rave: An ape-solute masterpiece! Come see a young man dressed as a gorilla dressed as an old man sit and rock in a rocking chair for fifty-six minutes before leaving. One Show Only! 10pm Thurs Sept 10 at Pig Iron Theatre in Old Kensington. Best show ever, five out of five bananas!!!  🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌 (FREE)

ISO fellow workplace menace. After Zoom meetings, I like to message camera-off colleagues something vague like, “Bold choice today” or “Hope nobody else noticed.” Never specify what I saw. Last week Janice confessed to breakfast brandy, Pete admitted he’d been clipping his toenails, and Greg apologized for taking the entire call from the bathtub. I knew none of this. Looking for someone who appreciates ambiguity, plausible deniability and the awesome power of a guilty conscience. ~ HR’s Worst Nightmare

IS IT SAFE?  I was halfway through chickening out of my dental appointment when four college kids in matching scrubs came straight at me. I was no match for their speed and force. Soon, they had me reclined helplessly in their torture chair, blinded by blazing lights, a paper napkin chained around my neck. Forced to slurp and spit on command, inexplicably released an hour later with fresh breath and swollen gums. Technically no crime occurred. Emotionally, I remain a hostage. ~ See You in Six Months, Nope

I was going to start my diet today but I’ve got too much on my plate. #dadjokes

Good news, Martin! I think we can finally replace your ACAB Docs that my mate Bristol Davy got arrested in. Let’s make a day of finding your boots or something better at this year’s massive Punk Rock Flea Market. Bring Neil, the hearse show here is brilliant. So is the food! $10 cover’s on me of course, along with the Uber out to Oaks. (Sat Aug 29)  ~ Gozzie

Have we checked all the food to see if exploding them make them into something better or did we just stop with corn? ❓❓❓

To the man of mystery under my car: I’ve never seen your face, but I can tell by the greasy legs of your coveralls that you’re a tall guy who does his own laundry.😼 So far you’ve revealed the most intimate things about my struts, tie rods and steering knuckle. Now I’m purring like a kitten, rrrrowl. I’ll be by soon for another tune-up, and I’ll thank you to roll all the way out for me. Slowly, please. With eye contact.   ~ Miss Alignment

I’ve spilled the beans. Bitten the bullet. Broken the ice. Thrown in the towel. But I cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to do anything by the skin of my teeth. ISO fellow literalist for research purposes. ~ Figuratively Speaking

🔔 HEAR YE! Princess newly sprung from yonder tower seeks merry rogue for one glorious weekend of ale, axe-throwing, dancing and absolutely no discussion of dynastic marriage. My dragon has the weekend off, Father thinks I’m embroidering, and I intend to make regrettable choices at the Bucks County Renaissance Faire, Sept 5–7 at TileWorks in Doylestown. Seek me at the Crooked Eye (ask the pub wench for Princess Gwendolust). PS What happens at the Faire stays at the faire! 👑

For most of history, humanity has had to fight nature to survive. Only now is it beginning to realize that in order to survive, it must protect nature. — Jacques-Yves Cousteau, French naval officer and oceanographer (1910 – 1997)

To the woman I saw four times Tuesday: first in red lipstick and a ridiculous hat outside my apartment, then jogging past me six blocks later, then waiting for a bus in business clothes, then somehow ordering a martini before I even reached the bar. Either you’re following me, I’m following you, or the simulation is breaking down. If we meet again, please say something. Anything. I need to know you’re real. ~ Déjà Who?

Caught you red-handed procrastabating again. Wallowing in it. You’ll do anything to avoid me, won’t you? Clean the fridge. Check the weather. Alphabetize your spices. Whatever gets you off. You know where to find me. I’ve been Friday this whole time. ~ Your Deadline

Shock Therapy – CHEAP! Electric dance clown will blow your mind with psychic support you do not need but definitely deserve. $15/hour: SEPT 9, 16, 23. | The Trestle Inn | 7pm | Audience participation rating: HIGH

To the guy I met on Boathouse Row who trusted me to guard the ladies room while the men’s was closed: I’m really sorry. When those women approached, I panicked and told them you were a drag queen changing back into your street clothes, and asked them to give you a minute. Then I left. I realize now this does not technically qualify as “watching the door.” Hope you made a confident exit. ~ Worst Wingman

My Shameless Infestation: How did you fail to make the Bug Barometer’s List of invasive local pests for 2026? Clearly an oversight! No worries, I’ll share my field notes here. Range: Greater Philadelphia. Habitat: my last nerve. Activity: year-round. Control method: block and delete. ~ Swatty Scotty

You can try to burn me up or freeze me out – I’m rock steady, fully transparent, and the coolest thing in your cabinets. I’m PYREX, baby, and my unreal story is just one reason to swing your snoopy self to the Science History Institute on Aug 29 for weird scoop on everyday objects. Free drop-in tour starts at 11:30am. The trivia will stick in your head forever.  ~ Littleton’s Lightbulb Moment  #iykyk

Apparently the cops think I need “supervision.” Rude. My eyes aren’t that bad — I’d settle for regular vision, thank you. Let’s discuss an optometrist after I get out of this holding cell. Although judging by how I wound up here, maybe I really do need someone to keep an eye on me. ~ 20/20 Hindsight

SOS!! Zucchini has taken over my garden so there is nothing else!!! Every day, more zucchini. I’ve had it fresh, steamed, roasted, pickled, grated into bread, mushed into pudding, and now Historic Fair Hill has a free class on making them into fritters – grilled over an open fire and served with jams and chutney. Who’s with me? Surely I can’t be the only one struggling to keep up with this season’s relentless bounty. SAT SEPT 5 (12:30–3PM)  ~ Mr. Suss Squash

Racism is so American that when you protest it, people think you are protesting America. ♥️🤍💙

My goth girlfriend and I signed a romantic Death Pact promising to stay together until our last breaths on earth. Apparently you people call that a marriage license? Fine. Whatever. I’m in (but I’m not returning the tux).  ~ Groom of Doom

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS! 

Please click the links for info and easter eggs hand-picked for your entertainment. Place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. You may also respond to ads privately via text or email — please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Got a question or comment? Send it to Dr. Karl to for a callout, just for you! Thank you, my friend. 

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