Navigating our comfort zones is always a work in progress.
GUILT TRIP CANCELLED, BAGGAGE CLAIM DENIED
Q: My elderly mother requires daily care, so I brought her to live with me. She’s always been salty but now she’s downright verbally abusive which I understand is part of her illness. Still, it’s hurtful how she berates me in front of my kids, and I worry she will soon turn her temper on them. What is the right thing to do here? I’m an only child, so it’s all on me.
A: I am so sorry this is happening to you. It’s hard enough to take care of a loved one — and even harder when that care comes with daily emotional strain. It’s good that you recognize your mother’s behavior as part of her illness, but that doesn’t make it any less painful.
To start, reach out to the Philadelphia Corporation on Aging (PCA). They are a lifeline for many families in your situation. PCA offers caregiver support, respite programs, and help with navigating long-term care options. Even just talking to someone there may help you feel less alone in this.
But there’s also a larger question to consider: is your home the best place for her right now? Just because you’re an only child doesn’t mean you have to do this all by yourself. Many wonderful nursing homes and personal care facilities accept residents with Medicaid, Medicare, Social Security, or VA benefits.
Some have waitlists — so it’s wise to get her name on a few while you weigh your options. You can always say no when the time comes, but you’ll be grateful to have choices.
You might feel guilty even thinking about this, but here’s the truth: loving someone doesn’t mean sacrificing your health, your peace, or your children’s well-being. Verbal abuse takes a toll, and it will affect how you care for your mother over time. You don’t have to wait until you’re completely depleted to make a change. You can love her deeply — and still set boundaries that protect your family.
Now, let me add something I didn’t say the first time: your mother is probably struggling too. Aging, illness, and losing control over your own body and independence — that’s scary. And sometimes that fear shows up as anger. If your mom’s lashing out more than usual, it may be a sign she’s grieving the life she used to have.
One resource that might help both of you is a group called Connectedly (formerly SOWN — Supportive Older Women’s Network). They offer free phone-based support groups for older women, including those who are homebound. These calls can be a lifeline — a chance for your mom to connect with other women her age, talk about what she’s going through, and feel seen outside of her illness. It might not change everything, but it could shift something. And sometimes, even small shifts make a big difference.
You’re doing something brave and generous by showing up for your mom, but don’t forget to show up for yourself, too. You deserve support. You deserve rest. And you deserve to know you’re not alone.
WON’T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR
Q: I recently moved into a new community, and I’d like to get to know my neighbors, but so far no one’s reached out or even waved at me from the street. I’m not sure how to break the ice here. What are some good ways to introduce myself in such a standoffish environment?
A: You don’t mention what you’ve done yet, so I’m hoping you’ve already waved or said hello first. If not, start there. A friendly wave, a simple “hi” when you pass by: these small gestures can go a long way. You might not get an enthusiastic response right away, but don’t take it personally. People are busy, distracted, and sometimes just shy.
I’d start by observing. Look for neighbors who might have something in common with you. Do they garden? Walk a dog? Decorate for the holidays? If so, that’s an opening. Say you’re filling a window box, you could admire theirs and ask where they buy their plants. (Pro tip: don’t copy their exact setup. That’s flattering in theory, but it can come off a little… intense.)
And while it’s true that some folks just want to keep to themselves — every block has at least one “do not retrieve your ball from their yard” situation — most people are open to connection. They’re just waiting for someone else to make the first move.
So be that someone! Start small. Ask for a local recommendation: the best place for bagels, a good barber, a reliable dog groomer. Maybe invite a couple of neighbors over for coffee or lemonade on your stoop. Connection takes time, but small gestures build trust.
Check out any local Facebook groups, community newspapers, or neighborhood forums like Nextdoor. Many areas also have local newsletters (like this one!) that promote events and gatherings. Sign up, show up, and stay curious.
One of the best ways to meet people is to go where neighbors already gather — try a farmers market, a park cleanup, or a free local concert. Vendors and organizers are often well-connected and happy to steer you toward other grassroots events. If it’s in your budget, buy something small and chat with the person behind the table. Ask what other events they attend. You’ll be surprised how many good things are out there that never get posted online.
Give it a little time, and you just might find yourself organizing the next neighborhood block party.
🔑 Athena’s Top 5 Icebreakers That Don’t Feel Weird
For new neighbors, shy neighbors, and anyone trying not to be awkward
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- “Hey, I just moved in — do you know who does the trash pickup around here?”
(Or recycling, or bulk pickup, or leaf bags… bonus points if you hold a rake.) - “I love your garden/decor/pet — where did you get that?”
People love talking about their taste. Just don’t be too copycatty. - “Any tips for the best takeout in the neighborhood?”
Food is universal. And people love sharing their secret pizza spot. - “Hi! I’m [Your Name] — what’s yours?”
Old-fashioned, yes. But wildly effective. Don’t overthink it. - “Do you know if this neighborhood ever does block parties or yard sales?”
Even if they say no, you’ve just planted a seed of community.
- “Hey, I just moved in — do you know who does the trash pickup around here?”
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