For runaway hearts, wrong turns, and sudden signs of life.
KARL’S KALL-OUTS FOR JUNE 2026:
Nadia on Coulter St: Closure is overrated. Have you tried leaving abruptly and becoming impossible to reach?
@pickleadjacent: Sorry but it looks like you’re trying to invoice someone for emotional labor performed entirely in your head.
Dev in Penn Knox: Never apologize for being “too much.” Apologize for the trumpet, obviously, but not the passion behind it.
RosaZ: The heart wants what it wants. Unfortunately, so does the zoning board.
Lane on New Queen Ln: You cannot keep calling it “a misunderstanding” just because everyone understood it differently than you intended.
@basementchampagne: It’s only a secret room if you stop giving tours.
Sasha off Nixon St: Stop asking if the mask “changed him.” The mask was very clear about its intentions from the beginning.
@mrs_mister: I appreciate your situation but in fairness, no one specifically said the ferret was ordained.
Angerball91: There is no shame in losing control. There is some shame in calling the Roomba “Baby” and knitting it all those sweaters.
Alvarez: You were right to bring a backup wig. You were wrong to pretend to be twins all night. (That’s always harder than it looks.)
@grittyandafraid: You did not “ruin the vibe.” You merely revealed the vibe had poor structural integrity. Unless the pants were sentimental, leave them behind and chalk it up to experience.
Dear readers, my advice is free of charge. For your own personal Kall-Out email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. Tasteful pics only. ~ Dr. Karl
GRANDPARENTS TO BE? Local older parents invite childless adult children out for charming nature walk with books, birds, fresh air, and several unusually adorable children. No pressure. Just saying, seasons change. Bring comfortable shoes and your ovulation calendar, if applicable. WED JUN 17 (1pm – 3pm) | Vernon Park @historicgermantownpa.org
Grown-ups urgently needed to shut tf up at Daisy Field little league games where it’s so bad the umpires now start fights with parents pre-emptively. Everyone just calm down. These are children! And it’s just a game! ~ Auntie Dee
Monday Night Poker Jokers — Hey which one of you assholes put the Marriot keycard into our medicine cabinet? Thanks, now Cindy thinks I’m cheating again. Whoever did it, CALL HER! Swear to god, I’ll beat all your asses for this if I have to go back to therapy. ~ Ace in the Dog House
Moth Heads, come get LIT at the Schuylkill Center after dark! Ever wonder what’s frying in your bug zapper? See for yourself, while a real scientist explains all. Much more fun than it sounds! No, really, tix usually sell out. Act now to guarantee your spot. $20 – $30 | WEDS JULY 22 (7 – 11:55PM)
Just curious: are you settling in, or settling for? You know who this is, Tammy. And I think we both know the answer to that question. ~ M.M
They measured you and marked you down. Nevertheless, you are more. Again, my dear: Nevertheless. You. Are. More. ~ Ms Más
To the fabulous person in the yellow sweater at Nile Café who winked at Raoul: please write in. Raoul is tall, dark, allegedly handsome, and apparently too stunned by vegan soul food to follow up on his own. Help us help him. ~ Mr. Plantains
🧚✨ If joy is resistance, frolicking is ungovernable glee. Grab your cutest tutu for a full day of sparkles and rainbows in the midst of Mother Nature. Revel with the fae folk! Art, play, discovery. Potions, crafts, snacks. Philly Fairy Fest | SAT JUNE 27 (12 – 4pm) | Tix $10+ | schuylkillcenter.org
ENTENMANNOLOGIST SEEKS SAME: Specializing in nocturnal snack-cake behavior. Must distinguish crumb cake from coffee cake, track powdered-donut migration, and remain calm when the raspberry danish population collapses overnight.
When my bestie Rhodesia Ridgeback saw you approach, you could practically hear the hairs on the back of her neck stand up. Of course I deescalated, as usual, but let the record show: she is a good girl. No one asked you to join us. Some growls are earned. ~ Amy at Ultimo
Kendrick Pool, 6/22: I don’t know why a grown adult would yell “Man up!” at a little girl but whoever you were, that was apparently what it took for my granddaughter to finally put her face underwater, and now she absolutely loves swimming. So thanks I guess? ~ Nana Jones PS calling her a pussy, I think, was overkill
All aboard for Sea You in Paradise, Yes! And… Collaborative Arts’ 10th annual original summer musical, created with young performers and staged FREE in Germantown. With cruise-ship chaos, rogue teachers, clueless adults, and plenty of camp-made magic. JULY 22–24 (6–7pm) | Holman Field | yesandcamp.org
Life is an adventure in forgiveness. ~ Norman Cousins, author, journalist, and professor (1915-1990)
It was a dark and stormy night, but the stars aligned for Literacy Nation’s 3rd Annual Indie Author Book Fair. Calling all readers, writers, book browsers, and armchair novelists for a celebration of words, culture, and community. SAT AUG 8 (10am–4pm) | 4th District Container Village | FREE | literacynationinc.org (includes author/vendor info)
ART DATE ON A BUDGET (South Street) Seeking culture-curious companions for pay-what-you-wish opening at Philly Magic Gardens. Must appreciate mosaics, Mexican Folk Art, and papier-mâché mortality. Meet you by the sugar skulls. JULY 31 (6–9pm) | phillymagicgardens.org
I see you, Tom. Like clockwork. Same shortcut, same coffee, same “fancy seeing you here” face every morning outside my place. You can call it fate if you want. Around here, we call that habitstance. And it’s not a healthy impulse for either of us. ~ Ginnie
DANGER: BRUNCH I don’t know who needs to hear this but mimosas are dangerous as f*ck. One minute, you’re enjoying your crepes and the next you’re sending “you up?” texts at 2:30pm. Stay safe out there. ~ E. Benedict
The Day All Heaven Broke Loose: They say an animal is dangerous when cornered but I tell ya, I was at peace. Nowhere to run, I finally relented and discovered the dazzling truth of my deepest feelings for you. Oh Lailah, my angel, how can I ever thank you for shattering my lonely world at last? ~ P. Gates.
If I told you I saw a cage match in someone’s front yard where half of the house had been torn down and the pool was green with algae, you’d probably think I live in a pretty bad neighborhood. #think_again
FIELD NOTICE: Integrated humanoid units seeking continued social research should report to roxyunk.org and select at least two (2) approved local rituals: bingo, board games, trivia, open mics, music jams, farmers markets, and/or other low-suspicion neighbor gatherings with superior authenticity, useful snacks, and strong local vibes. Blend carefully. Reports due before Quarterly Probing Review.
To the stranger who recognized me from my work: thank you, within limits. You’ll have to show me which work. I’m not too familiar with my newer stuff, and I do try to keep a low profile because of situations exactly like this. How did you even find me? ~ Ellis Vellum
Life Hack: If you can’t think of a word, say “I forget the English word for it.” This way, people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot. Follow me for more great advice! @MsJulie
Hello, <INSERT NAME HERE>. You are a secret supernatural soul, accidentally separated from your clan. As head of the Supreme Leader’s Divine Retrieval Task Force, my duty is to bring you back in for spiritual repatriation. Please DM immediately for reintegration, onboarding, and your first new assignment. ~ My human name is Chuck
Just as appetite comes by eating, so work brings inspiration. ~ Igor Stravinsky, composer (1882-1971)
To the Civil War-era ghost I’m seeing: dating you is weird, but refreshing. You’re honest, transparent, and somehow still emotionally unavailable. I’ll keep leaving the light on, and looking for cold spots with long-term potential. ~ Roger by the graveyard
Words need music. Music needs a park. Germantown’s People’s Poetry & Jazz Festival fills Vernon Park with spoken word, live jazz, R&B, African dance, drums, vendors, and all-day community joy. SAT AUG 15 | Black Writers Museum, 5800 Germantown Ave | FREE | thebwm.org
Before the night sky goes boom, let Lefty teach the children why fireworks are science, history, and not something we “just hold for a second.” Science History Institute hosts Flash! Bang! Boom! with crafts, inert shells, spent mortars, and absolutely no live rounds. SAT JULY 4 (10am–5pm) | FREE | sciencehistory.org
My friend used ChatGPT to buy a terrible early present for my birthday so it’s not even the thought that counts. @gianmarcosoresi
Come for the dirt, leave with dinner. Wyck’s Home Farm Club invites neighbors of all ages to pitch in at its historic kitchen garden for short lessons, hands-on growing, and a share of fresh produce. No registration, no experience, no green thumb required. Tuesdays 5pm + Fridays 10am thru AUG | Wyck, 6026 Germantown Ave | wyck.org
The difficulty lies, not in the new ideas, but in escaping from the old ones. ~ John Maynard Keynes, British economist (1883-1946)
Giant Coincidence? (23rd & Arch) To the shopper with my exact cart: one pack of burgers, four buns, one tomato, one onion, one ear of corn, one potato, and the smallest watermelon legally allowed. We both knew what we were looking at. BBQ for one, with leftovers if we stayed brave. You have exquisite taste and suspiciously familiar plans. ~ Betty C. PS I know that avocado-soy sauce trick!
F. Stop Fitzgerald of Fairmount Photography was tragically crushed by a falling block of cheddar. In fairness, his subjects did try to warn him. #dadjokes
NOTICE: I hereby claim the center round table in front of the stage at all three Mt. Airy Supper Sessions. Since admission is free, I have secured my rights by ordering an unreasonable amount of food, all of it arriving directly to this table. So, you know. That’s my table. P.S. After dinner I’m shopping, so I’ll need it 5–9pm on 7/8, 8/12 & 9/9 | 7100–7200 Germantown Ave | mtairycdc.org 🍴🛍️ PS I claim the cleanest porta potty too.
Hey, Twinkles. We miss how you lit up the room – not so much the way you treated our trusted circle like your own personal solar system. No hard feelings. If you decide to come back down to earth, call Rhea.
Everyone laughed at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well… They’re not laughing now. #dadjokes
I didn’t catch your name, but for many weeks now I’ve been charmed by your tender octopuses, so charmingly rendered from the peels of the three bananas you eat every weekday at 11am. So intent in your art, like you’re under a spell. And here I am, under yours. Working up the courage to say hello. Hoping when I do, it’ll be OK. ~ Stanley
The thing that makes you exceptional, if you are at all, is inevitably that which must also make you lonely. ~ Lorraine Hansberry, American playwright and painter (1930-1965)
AS IS: You said you just wanted a quick test drive. I let you kick the tires, peek under the hood, and admire the interior. The mileage is what it is, buddy. If you need pristine, don’t go preowned. Your loss. ~ Cam
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it means nobody else liked them. Set them free again. 🪽👋
This is for whoever stole my camouflage jacket and flip flops. You can hide, but you can’t run! #dadjokes
Wake up, Todd. They don’t call you “The Professor” because you’re smart. They call you that because nobody can eat a sandwich, park a car, or god forbid spell the wrong “your” without hearing another one of your boring ass lectures. ~ your wife PS I’m sick of repeating myself, maybe it’ll sink in if you see it on paper
Shhhh a poem by Read the Room
In a city full of chatter,
Clatter, clout, and clang,
Where everybody enters
Like a cymbal going bang,
You stood there like a shadow,
Like a hush that had a spine,
Like the space between two sirens,
Like a pause that aged like wine.
I don’t know what you’re doing.
I don’t know what you do.
But teach me how to do that
Much nothing, please, like you.
Q: How was Rome split in two? A: With a pair of Caesars. #groan
We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!
Please click the links for info and easter eggs hand-picked for your entertainment. Place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. You may also respond to ads privately via text or email — please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Got a question or comment? Send it to Dr. Karl to for a callout, just for you! Thank you, my friend.
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