Missed Connections: APRIL 2023

An oasis of possibilities for commoners, wanderers, lollygaggers, eager beavers, and daydream believers. (You’re soaking in it.)

APRIL  — Ancient Romans called this month “Aprilis” which means “to open” and probably refers to all the new blooms bursting forth as spring kicks into gear. April’s full moon (on the 5th) is called the “Pink Moon” because that’s the dominant color of wildflowers this time of year. Also called the Breaking Ice Moon, Budding Moon and Egg Moon for more obvious reasons. For 2023, April’s full moon is in Libra, shining a light on justice, fairness, and equality.

Flower: daisy. Gemstone: diamond. Symbol: warbler. Easter Sunday falls on the 9th this month, and Ramadan ends on the 21th. The week of April 14th to 20th is known for 15 historic disasters, including Chernobyl, the Titanic, Lincoln and MLK’s assassinations, the San Francisco earthquake, the Notre Dame fire, and many of our most notorious mass shootings/terrorist acts. No one knows why April is such a calamitous month, but it is.

Noteworthy birthdays:

Thomas Jefferson, Queen Elizabeth II, Shakespeare, Charlemagne, Hitler, Lenin, Hirohito, da Vinci, Selena, Lizzo, Akon, Jet Li, Jackie Chan, Charlie Chaplin, Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence, Jerry Seinfeld, Pete Rose, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Duke Ellington, Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Doris Day, Sandra Dee, Ann-Margret, Shirley Temple, America Ferrera, Apple Computer, the dollar sign, Mormonism, and the Louisiana Purchase.

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So Eric thought I was trying to kiss him? But actually my lips were puckered from the Chica Morada sour you’d mixed me, Jo-Jo, with its hot chili zing. If I had to choose between the two of you, I’d pick spicy every time. (Even better if I don’t have to choose, tho.)   ~ Thirsty Betty

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There’s No Place Like Home — so have yours drawn in meticulous detail by a Local pen & ink artist who works quickly from your photo to create a timeless 14″ x 17″ masterpiece in black and white. Great gift for you or someone special. Have your best memories captured on canvas! Houses you’ve lived, storefronts of family businesses, churches where you got married or even planes, trains and automobiles. Avg price $200. Use contact form at tedhouser.com.

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My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am.  #DontJudge

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A people that elect corrupt politicians are not victims, but accomplices.  – George Orwell, British author (1903 – 1950)

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Thoughts on a 2nd Date: Let’s see, you don’t eat steak, you don’t hunt defenseless woodland creatures, you can’t clean a trout (or even catch one), you don’t own guns, you think all people are equal with basic rights, you voted for Biden, and you don’t go to church. Yeah. That sound you hear is my Grammie rolling over in her grave. Let’s be friends. – #RollTide

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🚨ATTENTION LOCAL SHOPPERS 🚨 Buy Fine Art & other handcrafted items directly from the skilled and talented artists of today at the Stone + Staley Show. Jewelry, glass, textiles, sculpture, even artisanal foods and apothecary. 100+ exhibitors, tix $8 stoneandstaley.com APR 21 – 23 at Greater Phila Expo Center

Silly Sarah, you stapled my heart to the moon. Paper on paper, or so you thought. But that’s the 2D illusion. The moon is a sphere and my heart is 3D. It would mean everything if you understood this.  ~Henderson

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💍Your Wedding Secret Weapon: all your options under one roof at the Giant Bridal Expo April 23rd at Oaks Expo Center. Find the perfect gown, food, music, venue, photographer, honeymoon – and lots more for your Big Day. Free online passes or $10 at the door. Bridalshowspa-gp.com

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My Dear Ella: I speak in cursive, you are all caps. I’m a sinner, you are a saint. I say potato, you say potatoe. I dance, you goose-step. I’m long, you’re tall. You’re on 3, I’m on 11. At first blush, I’d say let’s call the whole thing off. But something about it is working. Let’s connect again. ~ Louis

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Local Pool Sharks Needed to represent Philly in the Amateur Players competitions at this year’s Super Billiards Expo. First place winners take home $5000 in categories from juniors to seniors and everything in between. 150 vendors plus demos, experts, photo ops, more. APR 13 – 16 at Gr. Phila Expo Center, for tix & info: superbilliardsexpo.com

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🤪👖👖Gah! I can’t decide what pants to put on today: smarty or fancy? #whynotboth #dadjokes

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Germantown/East Falls FREE Resource Fair at PA School of the Deaf
SAT APR 29 PA (11am – 3pm) Jobs, Training programs, Assistive technologies, Youth programs, College support, Legal services, SEPTA and other community partners. ASL interpreters by the Deaf-Hearing Communication Centre. PA School of the Deaf, 100 W. School House Lane, psd.org   

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Stop playing. The first time you were sitting in your pretty little convertible, giving me this look. Which I ignored, because I don’t know you. Next you “bumped into” me in line at NouVaux market, and there’s that look again. This time I say, “Excuse me?” but you bounce out the door like you didn’t hear. Today though, we lock eyes at Target of all places and as I’m checking out later I find a tantalizing note in my cart so now I’m wondering if you’ve left me a message or if there’s some misunderstanding. Please let me know.  ~ Bed, Bath, and Boned

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Guy, being “hopped up on Gas Station Heroin” is no excuse to act like an animal and treat yourself, the cat and me like that. You need to change your attitude, pal.  ~Pegasus  PS I told you this would happen the minute we moved back to the Falls.

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Muse Concert Connection – you were there with a friend who was kinda ignoring you, it was like the millionth time for everyone seeing Muse. Still a great show, though, it was cool too between sets when we talked on the floor. What do you think about hanging out sometime? ~ Supermassive BH

Things that didn’t kill kids today: Books. Drag Queens. Pronouns. Woke History. Statue of David. Married gay people. PS It’s the GUNS, stupid.  #nogunzone

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For Mustang Mike with the Loud Idle: A few years ago I went with you to a NJ news agency, remember? I’ve been trying to find your contact info but I was using Yahoo back then and now my logins don’t work, looks like my whole account was wiped. Whoops! I should’ve written down your number! Any chance you’re reading this? Let me know.  ~ April’s Away

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Did You Know…? There’s a famous farmer’s market less than an hour’s drive from Philly (kinda near Sesame Place). The Bristol Amish Market has food, furniture, and events! Weird hours though check their website. Also if you’re the tall, black-haired woman with a center nose piercing who laughed with me in line the other weekend, I’d love to shop with you again. – Always On the Off Chance

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Hey how about this? The next time you see someone enjoying something that isn’t hurting anyone but otherwise isn’t your cup of tea – INSTEAD OF SAYING SOMETHING NEGATIVE, why not just think to yourself “I’m glad they are happy” and get on with your life?  #learntoshutup

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SuzieQ, I’m afraid future connections have been put on hold indefinitely. Sorry but it was a huge turnoff last weekend, the way you bossed our TGI Fridays server around like she was your personal servant. So what if you’re a big tipper? That doesn’t help and in fact it almost makes it worse b/c it’s like you’re paying her to let you abuse her?? How messed up is THAT?!  ~ Check Yourself

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Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten questions of politics, philosophy, and literature than any number of dull arguments. -Isaac Asimov, scientist and writer (1920-1992)

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Who remembers CAMP CONSCIENCE? North Philly. I’m looking for Tony, he was a counselor there in the 1970’s. Any leads appreciated. God bless. PS his name might not have been Tony  ~ C.L.

So this was funny. I was selling some books at the Philly flea market in Trevose, when the most delightful individual came by to peruse my 50 Shades trilogy with such glee that I could not resist sharing my own affinity with the subject. We spoke quite excitedly until a friend came by, with a dismissive comment like “Again with this stuff?” As they walked off, I definitely sensed some real longing. I encourage anyone to follow up with me immediately if they know what I mean (or would like some used books!)  ~ Call Me Christian

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Quietly seeking the South Philly art model who moved and left me muse-less. My drawing skills have improved greatly, regardless. Now all I need is your fine form to perfect. Please? I could use more real-life practice. ~ Figuring for Fun

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If the owner of a TV network admitted that he lied to you, and the hosts of his shows admitted that they lied to you, and the pundits on those shows admitted that they, too, lied to you and yet you decide to believe them anyway? Congratulations, you are an idiot and an asshole.  #UnfairUnbalanced

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Broad Street Line — After the Sixers game (3/12). You with the blue GoGetter bracelet, sitting with your friend. Maroon cap on backwards. I was one of the two women facing you. I said I liked your blue rubber bracelet and you took it off and gave it to me with a little squeeze of your hand. The little kids behind me were shouting too loud for me to hear what you said, so I just smiled. Thank you, whoever you are! I hope we meet again. ~ Swish!

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Fabulous! 😺 Feline! 😻 Festival! 😽 A weekend of family-friendly competition for all breeds plus household pets. Costumes! Shopping! Free swag for first 50 kids! Tix $10 plus family discounts and free parking. APR 22-23, phillyexpocenter.com FACEBOOK: @FabulousFelineFestival

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Long Shot: are you the apple-bottomed babe I saw at the Philly Flower Show? Lime green vintage polyester slacks, bustin at the seams. Curtain of flaming red hair. Backpack painted with the face of a screaming cat (or maybe he’s laughing). You’re 20 years old if you’re a day. I’m all yours, if you’re interested. ~ Snap Dragon

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“To Catch a Predator” was a reality TV series that filmed sting operations of men trying to solicit underage children. The show exposed countless husbands, fathers, faith leaders and community pillars but NOT ONE Drag Queen.  #micdrop

Ageless Beauty – I’m looking for the senior woman stopping traffic on Ridge Avenue as she sashayed down the sidewalk by Bob’s Diner in Roxborough the other day. Gorgeous! I’m a 42 year old man and I can’t remember the last time I saw such classic elegance and grace. Who else has seen her? How can I find her? She deserves love! ~ Shane

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Sad Face at Longhorn Steakhouse – I hope you see this and will know who you are. It was early evening on Valentine’s Day, and you’d been waiting hours for your date while we all watched from the bar. Finally, I came over with a drink and we talked. I don’t remember what I said exactly but I hope I was helpful. I hope I told you that you deserve better, and that I hope you don’t give this jerk a second chance. Remember too that not all guys are scum! Get back out there and find a good one!  ~ T-Bone Therapist

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Irish Pub in PHL Terminal A – Classy local lass on her way to Orlando for some professional training and development in the funeral industry. Fascinating stuff, but I’m so overstimulated when I travel I’ve hardly retained any of it. Any chance you’re “keen” for some shop talk with a curious listener? Let me know if you see this! ~ Lost Your Biz Card

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Hey everyone! Just found out I’m “woke”!!  All this time, I just thought I was good at history.  – Jon Stewart, American comedian

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COUSIN IT with your hair down over your eyes – would you call that a date? Crawling through a hole in a fence to tiptoe in the dark around an abandoned cemetery? Wow that was weird how you never said a word. I did enjoy the part where you dropped your robe and did that naked dance or whatever on the marble slab. I assume that was a prop knife you were chasing me with? Sorry, once I started running and screaming I couldn’t stop. Looking forward to the next time you tap on my window at midnight again. ~ Kyle

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In every partnership, there is a person who stacks the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect and a person who stacks the dishwasher like a racoon on meth.

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As consumers, when we see the word “kreme” or “cheez” as an ingredient, we know to expect a fake, cheap variation. Thus Fox should now be called “Nooz.”  #lookaway

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Look Fran, when a clearly menopausal woman you do not know drives up and yells, “GET IN!” I agree that it’s kidnapping if she won’t let you out while she bitches about mood swings and weight gain but once you let her take you to Denny’s then that’s on you. ~ Maude

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 66 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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