Missed Connections: MARCH 2023

Your monthly fix of love and longing, with local wisdom and weirdness. PRO TIP: click on names for more detail (and contact info, if you’re lucky!). 

MARCH – March is the first month of the early Roman calendar, named for the god of war. Indeed, the Empire’s military sprung to life in March, resuming battles that had been on-hold for the coldest days of winter. A time of new beginnings!

Flower: daffodil. Gemstone: bloodstone. Symbol: hare. The first day of spring is Monday, March 20th. Two days later, the Muslim holy month of Ramadan begins at sundown; this is also the Christian season of Lent (both holidays involve prayer, fasting, and community). According to Scottish lore, the last three days of March have a reputation for being extra stormy.

Noteworthy birthdays: Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Sandra Day O’Connor, Common, Tecumseh, Einstein, Michelangelo, Bach, Chopin, Vivaldi, Guccio Gucci, Tommy Hilfiger, Simone Biles, Joel Embiid, Andy Reid, Teddy Pendergrass, Quincy Jones, Queen Latifah, Aretha Franklin, Diana Ross, Chaka Khan, Miriam Makeba, Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Karen Carpenter, Lady Gaga, Gloria Steinem, Cesar Chavez, Harriet Tubman, Harry Houdini, Robert Frost, Saint Nicholas, Mr. Rogers, Alexander Graham Bell, the telephone, Twitter, Monopoly, Coca-Cola, the Peace Corps and the Girl Scouts.

*    *     *     *     *

Where There’s Smoke… there’s empowered women taking up room in unconventional spaces! Women’s Cigar Week 2023 celebrates females in non-traditional environments with 3 days of dance, music, comedy, sports, and small business! MARCH 10 – 12 (all day) at the Gr. Phila Expo Center. Tix $28.52+ include swag bag Eventbrite.com

*    *     *     *     *

New Community Fridge at Unity Java 5312 Ridge Ave uinityjava.com. Fresh produce, dairy, eggs & non-perishables, too.

*    *     *     *     *

They hang the man and flog the woman
That steal the goose from off the common,
But let the greater villain loose
That steals the common from the goose.

The law demands that we atone
When we take things we do not own,
But leaves the lords and ladies fine
Who take things that are yours and mine.
— English nursery rhyme, c. 1764

*    *     *     *     *

🧠🧠🧠 Whenever a child learns critical thinking, somewhere a conspiracy theory dies. 🪦🪦🪦

*    *     *     *     *

Be a Kermit the Frog! Have a creative vision and no ego. Recognize the unique talents of those around you. Attract weirdos. Manage chaos. Show kindness. Be sincere. #RainbowConnection 🌈

*    *     *     *     *

Imagine it’s Sunday morning. You’ve been allowed to sleep in as long as you want, and you have no chores or responsibilities all day. There’s a house full of entertainment awaiting you. Your mom makes cinnamon rolls and serves you breakfast. But you’re almost 3, so you are blind with rage.  #parenting

*    *     *     *     *

Who else is stuck between “Save for a rainy day” and “You only live once”? Also, does “absence make the heart grow fonder”, or is it “out of sight, out of mind”? I wish folksy wisdom wasn’t so contradictory. ~ Scratching My Chin

*    *     *     *     *

Eddie, was that you on the river trail at Pennypack Park? I thought it was my mind playing tricks on me, but that couple in the parking lot described you to a T. Why did you lie to them? How did you know I was so close to finding you? You should’ve waited, I just want to talk. ~ Me Again   #Next Time

*    *     *     *     *

If you want to build a ship don’t herd people together to collect wood and don’t assign them tasks and work, but rather teach them to long for the endless immensity of the sea. ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

*    *     *     *     *

Catholic Church in Lent: No meat on Fridays!
Folks: OK, so no eggs for breakfast.
CC: No, eggs are fine.
Folks: But aren’t eggs chicken?
CC: Not until they hatch.
Folks: So the thing isn’t the thing until it’s born?
CC: Correct! No, wait… 🐣🐣🐣

*    *     *     *     *

Sorry, Hal, but texting you six unrelated thoughts in a row, all preceded with “Also:” is my love language, and there’s not a damn thing either one of us can do about it. Thanks for understanding. Also: have you ever tried Alex’s pizza? It’s the best, I’ll bring some home for us Thursday! 😋💚🤍❤️  ~ Annette

A Thousand and One Nights — Umm Kulthum — CLICK FOR ENGLISH

يا حبيبي ….الليل وسماه …. ونجومة وقمرة….. وقمرة وسهروا…. وانت وأنا …. ياحبيبي أنا…. يا حياتي
أنا…. كلنا…. كلنا بالحب سوة…. والهوى… اه منة الهوى…. والهوى ….اه منة الهوى…. اه منة الهوى….. اه منة الهوى…..سهران الهوى…….يسقينا الهنا……. ويقول بالهنا ….. ياحبيبي يلا نعيش …….. بعيون الليل ونقول للشمس تعالي….. تعالي ……بعد سنه مش قبل سنه …..دي لليلة حب حلوة ….. دي الف لليلة ولليلة….. الف لليلة ولليلة ….. الف لليلة ولليلة……..بكل العمر…………. هو العمر اي غير الليلة…. زي الليلة………

*    *     *     *     *

Calling all pet lovers! It’s time for the Greater Philly PET EXPO at Oaks, an exciting, informative family event that’s fun for all ages. Shopping, demos, amusements, exhibits and plenty of hands-on petting opportunities. MAR 10 – 12 (Friday night is Family Night, kids 12 and under free!) familypetshows.com

*    *     *     *     *

💚☘️🍺 WHOO HOOO, SEAN! St. Patrick’s Day is on a Friday this year, let’s do another South Philly crawl — we can crash with Siobhan again (but let’s remember to bug out before she puts the corned beef on, took me weeks to get the cabbage smell out of my clothes.  ~ Brín

*    *     *     *     *

“Sarcasm doesn’t get you anywhere.”
Me: Well it got me to the Sarcasm World Championships in Peru in ’98.
“Really?”
Me: No.
🤣🤣🤣

*    *     *     *     *

I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense that, one the hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.  — James Baldwin (Notes of a Native Son)

*    *     *     *     *

Going Down… We shared a late night elevator ride at Planet Fitness (Market St). You tried to joke about the flimsy shorts you were wearing but I could see you were really cold. I pretended not to notice your army green backpack full of toiletries, or that you had clearly been cooking chili in the locker room. Hope this isn’t forward but lemme know if you need a place to stay. ~ Marcus  PS you can keep my hoodie

*    *     *     *     *

🎈👀 If you’ve been the victim of the Chinese Spy-Balloon, if you or your family has been observed without your permission in any way, you may be entitled to fanatical compensation. 🤑🤪👩‍⚖️ Call 1-800-GOP-BSBS to connect with legal representation today.

*    *     *     *     *

For Jenny in West Philly: we’re just two lonely Conservatives, watching the country go to Hell lol. You were walking home from Checkers with your little dog Birdie. We were on our way to get coffee, then my wife called and by the time I got rid of her, you had gone. Was it something I said? ~ Thomas

*    *     *     *     *

NJD Fan from Raleigh – You sat beside me at the Canes game tonight. You were in town for the big outdoor game, and we had the most interesting conversation that started when I complimented your Devil’s jersey. I know this is a long shot, but I’d love to stay connected. ~ Mr. Leeds

*    *     *     *     *

True Story: I’m in therapy to deal with the people in my life who won’t go to therapy. 🤦🤦🤦#GetHelp #MentalHealth

*    *     *     *     *

Climate-controlled Antiquing! Bargain hunters, come out to the Oaks Expo Center, March 18 & 19, to browse 65+ dealers specializing in Chester County primitives, salvage, estate and much more. Tix $7 for both days. Antiquesatkimberton.com

Sorry, but if we let people choose their gender, then what’s next? Something else that’s none of my business and won’t harm me in the slightest? Where does it end, Simon? ~ Aunt J

*    *     *     *     *

Burbs Baby: such a cutie with your red hair and your cheeky black boots, embroidered with flowers in every color. I asked if you did it yourself and you made me buy you a beer first – and then never told me, ha! Oh boy I hope I see those boots again (they can walk all over me). ~ Sinatra

*    *     *     *     *

PSA for Grieving Loved Ones: Try not to ask “What can I do?” or say “I’m here if you need anything.” This presents a task for someone who’s already overwhelmed with emotions. Much kinder to give them options: “I’m picking up lunch at Wawa, what do you want?” or “I’m in the area, I’m just popping in to drop off some herbal tea,” and then once you’re in, look around for stuff you can help with. Or just be there to talk. Think what might make you feel better if you were them, and then do that. ~ Brandy D.

*    *     *     *     *

🙌🦇 [ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds.
angel:
god:
angel: but what if they were goth?
god: omg if IF they were goth tho!

*    *     *     *     *

We become not a melting pot but a beautiful mosaic. Different people, different beliefs, different yearnings, different hopes, different dreams. ~ Jimmy Carter

*    *     *     *     *

Did You Know…? March is the most popular month for vasectomies! Apparently, the best time to think about never having another kid is when you’re trying to figure out what to do with the ones you already have, now that summer break is just around the corner. #snipsnip

*    *     *     *     *

Handsome Dog, Handsome Man – you’re back! I hadn’t seen you and your beautiful golden retriever in a long time, but my shift changed and now I’m seeing you all the time around 6:45 am (near the cemetery) when I’m on my way to work. Last two days I’ve beeped at you, not sure you recognize me. It’s Amy! How’ve you been? Let’s get coffee like we used to. ~ Bridesburg Bestie

*    *     *     *     *

Oh god the stupid clocks again. So is it spring back or spring forward? I never know, because you can spring in either direction, same as you can fall. So that stupid saying is useless, Meryl. Same as this demi-seasonal annoyance. #DoNotDisturb

*    *     *     *     *

So I moved into a 55+ senior community as soon as I was eligible, because I did the math and hello! I’m a young stud in a hen house, right? Except all these old biddies want to do is shop, eat, bingo, cards – wtf, we’re not dead yet! Where are the swingers? The nudists? The hedonists living for pleasure? Do I gotta wait for the aliens in Cocoon? ~ Steve Guttenberg

*    *     *     *     *

Books and all forms of writing are terror to those who wish to suppress the truth. – Wole Soyinka

*    *     *     *     *

Toothsome Fairy — it was NYE and you were in a black dress with purple & green striped thigh-highs – stunning! Talking to you, your laugh gave me the most intense butterflies I have ever felt. I still get them when I think of you. It’s so easy to be with you, I don’t feel like I have to pretend to be “normal.” If you see this, thank you for making my year! ~ Gem

*    *     *     *     *

ATTENTION: SATURDAY MARCH 18th is NATIONAL AWKWARD MOMENTS DAY. #stayweird

*    *     *     *     *

That Tall Ripped Black Guy — you can’t be more than 25 years old. What do you think you’re doing? I must be twice your age! I’m the short, muscular Latino behind the register at QQ Deli. You’ve been throwing yourself at me for awhile now, but so far I haven’t taken the bait. Thinking you should make the first move, anyway. ~ Enrico

*    *     *     *     *

Dear Meenal, I was reviewing page 438 of the complete Kama Sutra, first unabridged edition, when it occurred to me that I never returned your text. My bad! I’m actually really excited to see you again, especially now that our moms are hanging out. Not weird at all! I’ll call you after exams.  ~ Krish

*    *     *     *     *

Whenever you’re feeling down about life and thinking that no one cares, just remember you’ll be dead soon and none of this will matter.  — Ricky Gervais

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

Reply or place your own listing in one of three ways: 1) comment below 2) text 215-498-8874 or 3) email DrKarl@nwlocalpaper.com. If you are responding to an ad privately, please be as specific as possible so that Dr. Karl may properly assist. Thank you, my friend. Special thanks to Marwa A. of Friends, Peace and Sanctuary Journal for this month’s Arabic share.

Click Here for Last Month’s Missed Connections! 

About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 63 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.