Missed Connections: MAY 2024

MAY – the month of fertility and also for seniors (the name is rooted in the Latin word for “elders”). The Hawthorn tree, which blooms in May, is known in Celtic folklore for attracting faeries. One should never bring Hawthorn blossoms inside, as they will come along with it, and make mischief in your home. May is an unlucky month to be married, as they saying goes “Wed in May, rue the day.” It’s also bad luck to wash your blankets in May or buy a new broom. Holidays this month: National Shrimp Day (10th), Mother’s Day (12th), Memorial Day (27th), and Loomis Day (30th). No US president has ever died in May.

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Bonjour, you may call me Monsieur Jacques. I have been enticed to present this summer’s Cinema en Pleine Air a la Parkside. You will take a blanket with your beloveds to the space of the dry fountain, and the museum of touching. Friday 5/3, 5/10 & 5/17; 8:30 pm, come early for special treats. There is a theme!  @myphillypark

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I want to be a teenager again and ruin my life in a totally different way. I have new ideas! Don’t you? 😈

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Lori, I knew you were the one when you waltzed into TJ’s family cook-out wearing a “One Man’s Trash is Another Man’s Treasure” tshirt. Five years and two divorces later, here we are. What are you doing for Memorial Day? ~ Trey

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Hurt people hurt people, but also healed people heal people. Safe people shelter others. Free spirits free others. Enlightened people illuminate others. And love ALWAYS wins. Shine your light of love on all! What you do matters. We see you!  ~ Us

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Pretty lady in the Pep Boys waiting room, you laughed when I almost broke the coffee machine. Really scalded me, too, not sure what was so funny but you’ve got a great smile. Lmk if you’re into meeting up, I’ll call you back once the bandages are off and I can dial a phone again.  ~ Butterfingers

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Apologies to anyone who ever thought I was cool and reached out to me only to discover I am just an absurdist hermit who can’t carry on a conversation to save my life  Mea culpa. ~ Ronnie  PS sorry I missed your thing.

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OZEMPIC HACK: that shit’s like a thousand bucks a month! For $700, I’ll follow you around and slap the food out of your hands. Serious replies only. ~ Joe Brony

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We were in line at Ultimo when you tapped my shoulder to tell me I had “calming energy.” You had the weirdest eyes. As I was trying to think of how to respond, you spun around and walked out. The next guy in line agreed with me about your eyes. We think you should lay off the caffeine. ~ B.B.G.

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Love Your Neighbors this May! @GermantownCommunityFridge needs diapers, pet food, body wash, shampoo, feminine hygiene products, toothbrush kits, and other seasonal items, please see Amazon/Target wishlists to conveniently donate. 🙏🙏🙏

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Six am Sunday morning is a great time to run into your ex especially when we’re both trying to sober up in the same wawa. How many hot dogs did we eat? Was that last one really a hot dog? Left a funny taste, that I’m oddly craving. ~ Mustard Sally

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Hey if I do a job in 30 minutes, it’s because I spent 10 years learning how to do that so quickly. You owe me for the years, not just the minutes. ~ Worker B.

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Let me have tomorrow! Today, you’re on my mind. Spring makes me think of your gentle warmth, your green goddess glow. Yesterday’s behind us, can we move forward again? Just one day. Meet you at J&H? ~ Owl Burgers

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My son wanted to know what the 90s were like so I left him on the side of the road without his phone. #dadjokes

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I’ve got 99 problems and being trapped in an anxious brain in a decaying body in a money hungry society on a dying planet in a mysterious dimension maybe one.  ~ Doug

⭐ Good Neighbor PSA: The weather’s nice, now clean your yard so the rest of us can sit outside without smelling a winter’s worth of stink nuggets from those dogs you never walk. 👃💩🐶 👀~ DeVon on Ross #justscoopit

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HELP WANTED: Striptease music composer seeks exotic dancers of all styles for Research and Development. Serious applicants only, no weirdos.

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I don’t really like the city parks. I want to join a country club so my kid doesn’t have to play with “those” kids, and I want the city parks system to pay for my membership. That’s school vouchers in a nutshell. Keep education public!

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The Party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. It was their final, most essential command.   – 1984  (George Orwell)

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Here, we deal in vagaries, hoping for something that cannot be found by looking. Elusive as nature, bearing the fruit of constant disappointment. Time and time and time again. You know?  ~ Ed Infinitum

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Today, I heard a GenZ coworker say “I wish I was a little bit taller.” I responded with, “I wish I was a baller.” And he didn’t say, “I wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her.” And now I’m sad. ~ Textiles Class of ’91  #Skee-Lo

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🎮🕹️💿 I don’t know who needs to hear this, but you can borrow up to three video games at a time with your library card. Reserve your favorites now: Freelibrary.org/videogames

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Remember Garbage Pail Kids? You can meet the artist, along with Andy Wahol’s nephew at Philly’s big “non sports” card show May 18 & 19. It’s only $12, worth it for the swag. Gr Phila Expo Center

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If you have a problem with student loan cancellation because you already paid off your loans, just pretend it’s a tax cut for the rich that you also never got but mysteriously have never complained about. Are we cool, now?

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Good to see me? Were you serious or just being polite? It’s been too long since I’ve read your face, but there was something in that hug I never asked for. Your message is mixed, dude. What do you want me to say? Text me if you want, I don’t care. ~ Queen of Prussia

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☠️ Do NOT eat aluminum or you’ll sheet metal. #dadjokes

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Community Thrifting Celebration at Sturgis Playground, SAT 6/1 (12 – 4). 🎉 Revive your wardrobe, renew your style. Vendors call 215-581-1001 👖👗👠 🛍️

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Heads up, older Philly ladies on Match – steer clear of the silver fox who calls himself Neil from Mayfair. He’s a chef so I assumed it was autocorrect when he texted he’d like to bring me his special “vulgar” wheat salad for a lunch date. Sadly, it was not! 🤮 ~ Tina

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🧠ℹ️ TIP: Save the business cards of people you don’t like, and if you ever accidentally hit a parked car, just write “Sorry” on the back and leave it on their windshield. 🤣 Follow me for more life tips! @BestLifeBetty

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Anxious foodie seeks gustatory support for an afternoon at FDR park’s Southeast Asian Market. By myself I’m too overwhelmed with all the new sights, smells, and flavors, so I’ll just wander around without eating anything. There’s a guided tour from the boathouse on May 18th but it starts at 9:45am and breakfast for me is a whole other thing. #neurodivergent

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My beautiful scorpion! With a look, it all began and just as soon you were a memory. Did you even care one bit? Horoscopes are a joke, yet the signs were all there. My lion’s hide’s too tender for your natural sting. Still, you made me happy, my sleeping hypnosis, my beloved nemesis. Blessings, but please keep your distance. ~ Sun Child

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To the humans behind the “Feline Frenzy” advertised for Sunday May 19th at the Expo Center: Why would you create a celebration for all things cats, and then slander us in naming it? “Frenzies” are violent, agitated things, while cats are chill and peace-loving. Also Mittens didn’t give you permission to use his image on your flyer. Do better! ~ Clawde D. Cat, Esq

Mistakes were made – and that’s OK. That’s how we learn. And I’ve learned to never underestimate you when you say you can make my life a living hell. Please stop. ~ Uncle, Uncle

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Geeky Gentry, come one and all to @ThyGeekdomCom, where the pleasures of gaming, cosplay, and anime await. Merchants, tournaments, costumed cavalcades. May 24 – 26, tix from $20. Bring thy friends for a most epic quest. #phillyexpo

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Clarice (Olney), I found your love for paranormal adventures alluring. The haunting thrills of our first meeting in that abandoned depot felt positively spiritual, but now it’s clear you’re ghosting me. Should’ve seen that coming.  ~ Mr. Booberry

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Millennials: Stop saying your life is a joke. It’s not. Jokes have meaning.  #dadjokes

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Reminder: One of the city’s best farm stands & plant nurseries is open for the season, Sat (9-1) and Sun (10-2). Lovingly tended produce and plants, 215 E. Penn St @GermantownKitchenGarden  Farm Shares available!

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When I was younger, I fell in with a club of Alpha Men – you know how it goes. Today the scent of leather and whiskey warms my heart. The biker chicks were another story, nothing like that Taratino movie! They still haunt my nightmares. Follow me for more great stories! ~ Don’t Judge

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How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. ~ Annie Dillard, American author (b. 1945)

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Local Theater Alert: The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee is an interactive musical comedy and a great excuse to check out Manayunk’s beautiful Venice Island. May 10 & 11; $20 @ghostlightplayersPA for showtimes. PS walking tours every Saturday 9:30am from the Performance Center.

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Now what’s a fine woman like you doing in the plumbing aisle, I wanted to ask when you strolled past me at Home Depot. Call me old fashioned but it’s downright indecent. The nozzles, vents, and spouts. I blushed so hard when you measured that pipe, but I could not look away. ~ Tommy Tool Time

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Did you know…? Quarters dated 1964 or earlier are worth more b/c they’re 90% silver and can be (illegally) melted down and sold for weight. Learn more at @PhillyCoinExpo May 10 & 11, $5 at the door, includes free expert appraisals, hourly giveaways & 100+ vendors of coins, currency, and precious metals.

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Meat consumed as comfort food is also an emotional support animal. 🙌🍖🍗🥩 #thatisall

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30th St to Malvern – you asked me if you had the right train, and I said “Yes” even though I had no idea where you were going. You believed me, that’s on you. Do I look like I work for SEPTA? Sorry, but you know. ~ DaStorm99

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Pending skeleton seeks future human remains to scream into the void with me. Must have morbid sense of humor and high tolerance for goth. Existential dread helpful but not required. ~ Mr. Crowley

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Hey, it’s Sam from Philly Flying Fish Farm. Looks like a few of our breeding stock have escaped. They’re not dangerous but will slap a person in the face if startled, which really stings. If you see them roosting in nearby trees, please call Metro Wildlife’s hotline at 267-416-9453 (this is a good number to know for any wildlife emergencies!)

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Belated Valentine for Bernice. I’ve had a lot of girlfriends, but none with such a distinctive scent. Mothballs and menthols in a cloud of Jean Nate, with just a hint of Playdoh (I never knew why). It was this month in ’96 that she faked her own death to avoid me. That was weird, but not as weird as her smell. Life’s funny that way. ~ Todd

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I was so upset yesterday when my wife told me our six year old son wasn’t actually mine. She said I should pay more attention when I pick the kids up from school. #dadjokes

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Troy: by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you the biggest disappointment of my life. You may now kiss my ass. Sincerely,  Jennifer 💋🍑 PS you are blocked forever, thanks.

Just think of the tragedy of teaching children not to doubt. -Clarence Darrow, American lawyer and author (1857-1938)

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What’s up, Pennsylvania — Why is drive-thru milk such a thing here? Don’t know what I expected from the Swiss Farms in Havertown, but it was weird trusting someone else to check expiration dates. Don’t think I’m ready to take that leap of faith but thanks. ~  No.Thanx

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HIM: If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. My love!
ME: I’m on the toilet, please advise. 🤷‍♀️

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I am the droid you are looking for. Bookish. Artistic. Opinionated. Ambivalent. Hippie. Seeker. Singer. Moonbeam. What more do you need to know? ~ No Mo Solo

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Elon Musk has lost his wife, his kids, 40 billion dollars, and his space ship crashed. It’s like a genre of country music that doesn’t exist yet.  #brograss

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Stretchy Sundays at Lemon Hill! Come out for all-level yoga in the peaceful green of Fairmount Park. 10am – 11am; $15 #namaste 🙏🌈💗

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So… you’re telling me he was spanked using a magazine with his own face on it by a porn star who reminded him of his daughter? Imma have to get back with you on this one.  ~ Sigmund Freud

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Redhead on a Sunny April Weekday, I watched you eat an entire bag of Oreos in Rittenhouse Square, and then puke them up behind a bench. I have never seen so many sugar-crazed squirrels in my life, yet you didn’t flinch, it was like you expected them, like this was your thing. I need to know more. ~ Mr Savoy

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Maybe my mom was right, all those years ago. Maybe I really won’t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that’s what’s been missing, why I feel so empty. #wondering

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Tiny Habits Big Hopes (TLA) So cute with your earring, your Santa Fe vibe; you found my hoodie fetching. We chatted on the balcony, looking down while the band played. You swooned for Hemenway, as any sensible soul would. They played a cover neither of us recognized, so we made out. How did we not exchange contacts?  ~ Media Madge

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❓👽 What if alien abductions are just people reliving their birth memories? They’re pulled into a bright light, grabbed by strange beings, pricked and probed against their will…? 🤔

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Jellyfish have survived for 640 million years, despite not having a brain. This gives hope to so many people. #USA

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How ya doing Deena? Every time I drive by John Coltrane’s house, I think of you. Did you see the East Fairmount bike tour – that’s one of the stops. Hell yeah I’m going. Maybe I’ll see you May 11th, rolling up at 1:45 when you know damn well it leaves at 1:30. I’ll wait. ~ Nature Boy

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To all the people who said I’d never amount to anything because of my procrastination – just you wait. #dadjokes

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Insert coin, activate joystick. How I loved the good old games. You were my Donkey Kong crush, my Pac Man fever, my passion for Pole Position. All these years, the question remains: will we ever play Double Dragon again?  ~ Pitfall Harry

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The haters said I couldn’t do it. And they were correct. Honestly, great call from the haters. ~Janelle

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Men will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest. ~ Denis Diderot (1713 – 1784), French philosopher

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 66 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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