Missed Connections: OCTOBER 2023

OCTOBER’s another month named for its former place in the ancient Roman calendar (“octo” is Latin for eight). October marked the end of the agricultural cycle and the beginning of active military campaigning, which was celebrated with horse-racing spectacles where the lead horse in the winning team would be sacrificed to Mars, the god of war. Today, October is basically synonymous with Halloween, and it’s a cursed month for Wall Street, too, historically the most volatile time for the stock market (all the biggest crashes happened in October).

October zodiac: Libra (the scales). Birthstone: Opal. Flower: Marigold. Symbol: Butterfly. 🌕This month’s full moon is Saturday the 28th – it’s called the “Hunter’s Moon” and for 2023 it’s in Taurus, where it brings comfort.

According to folklore, if it’s a rainy month, it’ll be windy in December; if you see a lot of fat birds and squirrels in October, we’re in for a hard winter. Expect peak autumn foliage in the last two weeks of the month. Canadian Thanksgiving is the second Monday of October (this year it’s the 9th). Sunday Oct 29 is National Cat Day. Six US presidents were born in October, more than any other month.

Other noteworthy birthdays:

William Penn, Desmond Tutu, Yo-Yo Ma, Snoop Dogg, Eminem, Vanilla Ice, Bruno Mars, Drake, Usher, Flea, Shaggy, Gandhi, Nietzsche, Pele, Putin, Picasso, Pavarotti, Thelonious Monk, Dizzy Gillespie, Weird Al, Bill Gates, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jesse Jackson, Kamala Harris, Peter Pan, Tater Tots, Pizza Hut, NASA, Nintendo, the ballpoint pen, toothpaste tubes, the first two-way telephone conversation and the first live telecast from outer space.

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Where you at, Jerry? Your garage has been totally cleared out. Mom said it happened weeks ago? What gives? Hope you see this. ~ Mickey PS I don’t care about the futon, dummy

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FREE Day of the Dead comes early to South Philly this year, with a Día de los Muertos celebration of art and culture at FDR Park Boathouse. Sat Oct 21 (6 – 9PM). Mexican art and Aztec dance, plus face painting,  sugar-skull making, illuminated bike parade, food and craft vendors, and more. RSVP Fairmount Park Conservancy

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PSA If you are a full grown woman and still a “Mean Girl” please seek help. It’s weird. It’s 2023. We don’t sneak diss, bully, or hate on other women. We uplift, encourage, and applaud each other. And if you really don’t like someone or something then simply don’t interact with them. Don’t be messy or miserable. Please evolve and adapt to the times. #Feminism

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I guess Jeffrey Dahmer’s baloney really did have a first name. #DadJokes

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A goddess and a grandmother, she was a tall Black woman who rarely spoke a word to customers at the Giant where we worked. She hated to share – said she didn’t like to brag, and truly every other part of her life was more remarkable than the next. I don’t even care if she was making half that shit up, I’m just glad to have known her. What I wouldn’t give for another lunchbreak together. ~ Ghost from Part-time Past

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Jordyn 7: Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you. With every girl that resembles you, I get a knot in my stomach. I have to live with the fact that you probably never even think of me anymore. I was incredibly selfish and insensitive. I took you for granted. I misplayed my hand and lost out on happiness, while you moved on to find it in another. I regret my actions. I still love you. I always hope one day you come home, baby. At least you have what you want now. Or do you?  ~ Mr. Heartstrings

Elitism is the slur directed at merit by mediocrity. -Sydney J. Harris, journalist (14 Sep 1917-1986)

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Whoa Momma! Look at you, pumping gas with your gut sucked in and your butt way out. Making eyes at the guys in the dirty pickup who must be half your age. Go, gurl!!! It’s a little early for the fur trim on those last-season boots but the little sashay you do in them is fire. Werk!! I see you!!  ~ Debbie #HotMommyClub #WineOClock

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For Sale: Ghost in Mason Jar ($10) – After determining our historic East Falls home was haunted, my wife and I used a method we found online to lure the ghost into a jar where we have trapped it. We don’t want just throw it away, does anyone want it? Price includes jar. Pics on request.  ~ Nate on Nextdoor

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Whoops, Joshua! I accidentally unmatched with you on Tinder – I’m Grace (28), we connected tonight. You sent me a playlist with some misty fall vibes, and before I had a chance to listen to it I somehow accidentally unmatched with you. Do you read these? 🤞🤞🤞

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Yo let me ask you for your opinion: how do you feel about Stop and Frisk coming to Philly? I won’t vote for that! Mind you, it sure won’t be Her and Her’s they’ll be harassing, it’s going to be Us and Ours. I see Cherelle Parker as another Cindy Bass, cut from the same cloth. Bye. ~ Keith P., Gtown

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Story time, me first. How about all the time we all spent in those AOL chat rooms back in the day? Way before the old school CL came along. Most times you didn’t even have to ask for a pic! Good times. I’d love to be more specific (reach out if you’re interested).  ~ Mr Uh Oh on ICQ

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Craft Fair at the Falls of Schuylkill Library, SAT OCT 7 (10am – 4pm). Jewelry, pottery, wood, quilts & other fiber arts, natural beauty products, more. Great deals, FREE ENTRY. 3501 Midvale

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Hey yeah so I’ll be voting for the party that wants to give 4th graders free lunch instead of the one that wants to force them to give birth. Shocked, this is our choice today.  ~ Proud RINO

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Looking for Johnathan Patrick (underground arts). You played an astonishing electric acoustic set at you 2 Fest. I was in from Chicago to see my friend Ian play in Menu. You met him in the green room. He told you about me. You gave him a tape to give to me. I got it but never found you. Email me, I have a lot to talk to you about. ~ (redacted)

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Planning ahead: anyone local into skiing/snowboarding and interested in regular trips to Blue Mountain? I have a season pass there and I’d love to carpool. Also if you’re adventurous I love to explore new trails. Hmu on Gtown Facebook, Colleen V.

Ever have a stuffed chicken wing? It’s like a spring roll, except instead of the wrapper the yummy filling is encased in a skillfully de-boned chicken wing, and the whole business is skewered and grilled to crispy juicy perfection over hot coals. 😋 Get ‘em at FDR’s Southeast Asian Market (open weekends), or sign up for the tasting tour Sat Oct 21 (10:45 am from the boathouse). Ticketleap.com

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For Coby, the Constrictor (South Philly): You go from frio to caliente, I go from side dish to entrée. Hoping someday you’ll relay what your eyes mean to convey. But you go from cold to hot: you’re in love, then you’re not. Then I’m happy, now sad – confused to mad. Say I’m sorry then I’ll shift the blame, go from praising your presence to hating your name. What spoils for the victor, with nothing to gain? Feels like a boa constrictor, squeezing my frame.  ~ Seeing Snakes (in the grass)

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For the last time, Marty: Strawberry Mansion doesn’t sell ice cream and it’s not an urban farm. I should drag you with me on the walking tour this month, you’d learn some amazing history: John Coltrane, Meek Mill, Fletcher St Urban Riding Club, more.  Sun Oct 22nd (10am) If you like it we can do Parkside on the 28th. Myphillypark.org  

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Meet-Cute at the Deli (almost): Hello to the gorgeous African American woman in soft-looking blue pants waiting in line at the lunch meat counter earlier this afternoon, when we made pleasant eye contact. I was hoping to get a chance to talk to you outside while I was unlocking my e-scooter, but you had crossed Market at 36th St already. I rode around awhile afterward, hoping to catch up to you – is that weird? No weirder than this listing, right? Lemme know, unless you’re weirded out. ~ Barrie in University City

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Q: What happens if someone slaps you at high frequency?
A: It hertz  #DadJokes

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Hello I’m new in Chestnut Hill and someone keeps farting in my mailbox late at night. My bedroom faces the street so I hear it, and then the smell hits me when I check my mail. Who does this? Very childish and now my coupons stink so bad they think it’s ME at the register. Whoever it is, knock it off!  ~ Crefeld Cathy

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Vernon Park Community Bazaar & Flea Market – Sat Oct 14 (9am – 3pm). Spaces $12, more info friendsofvernonpark.org

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Her Fineness at the Super Target: You seemed annoyed when I told you to have a good night. Beg pardon, I’m sure guys hit on you constantly, I assure you I’m all gentleman. No mean to be a bother, just want you to know you are gorgeous. In case that has slipped your attention. ~ Capt Obvious PS smile!

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To my Guardian Angel – I almost didn’t recognize you, picking up mail from my PO box (yours is just a few down from mine). The scent of cupcakes was my first tip-off, the second was that your face was almost completely obstructed behind enormous heart-shaped sunglasses and a floppy-brimmed hat the color of a golden halo. Since then, I’ve felt your goodness inside me, guiding me, giving me strength. I’m not a religious person but I feel compelled to share this and tell others there’s hope. ~ Still Searching

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Omg at Franklin’s last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me! In related news, I suck at darts.   #DadJokes

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Forget about gold bars – did you know you can buy SOLID GOLD LEGOS?!!! Sized to be a real, working piece you can actually use to build with, a bunch were made from 1979 – 81 by a German factory who gave them to employees on their 25th anniversary. Today, you’d need about $15k to buy one but if you’re lucky you might see one in person at Brickfest, Oct 14 – 15 (Gr Phila Expo Center). Shopping & attractions for Lego fans of all ages.

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No Name Pops – R U a Fan? If you get the chance, see this ensemble! I fell in love w/ the violin player at a free show in Folsom. She was wearing an orange top and wearing very fashionable glasses. Most importantly, she was sizzling on the strings, playing those Sound of Philly classics! This month they’re doing Motown at Kimmel. ~ Upper Darby Dude (need a date?)

PSA: Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween! It’s terrible for the environment. Locally-sourced, all natural skeletons are much more eco-friendly. 💀🦴🦴

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Free Guided Hike: the Underground Railroad in West Fairmount, Sat Oct 7 (10am – 2pm) with PA Historical Society. $15 tix incl boxed lunch & community conversation, RSVP thru Phila Park Conservancy

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It will never matter How many people Believe you are capable Of great things, If one of those people isn’t you. ~ J. Warren Welch

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Anyone know the Malleys? Looking for members of the Malley family who lived on South 18th Street years ago. W. L. Malley was a US Navy vet; John Malley (son? brother?) went to Culver Military Academy. I have something special that belongs in the family. Please reach out if you can put me in touch.  Thanks! ~ Pittsburgh Pat

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Bloody Marys at the Ritz Club (Broad street) — We two West-coasters were grabbing a bite and starting our days stubbornly out of synch with the time zone. You were a Vancouver vision: a buoyant breakfast beauty in the early East Coast light. Seemed like the goodbye on the elevator was really our first see-you-soon. Counting the days. ~ Your Lanyard Lover

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Fact: not all ghosts are small Victorian children. We must normalize early 2000’s spirits in juicy couture sweatsuits. #ISeeDeadPeople

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Sat Sept 30, 2:30PM, at my local ATM. I waited behind you then when it was my turn, it asked me how much I wanted to WITHDRAWAL — up to $1000! I was hella tempted. Life’s rough lately, that cash would’ve been nice. Also maybe it was a TikTok thing and people would jump out and award me like 10 grand if I showed I was honest. So I flagged you down before you could leave the lot, and returned your card.  You said thanks and asked if I wanted anything. I said no but fyi, if someone does you a solid like this, don’t ask if they want a reward, just give it to them b/c they deserve it. Thank you! ~ Wells Fargo

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This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths and bundles that I leave around the neighborhood b/c some crazy bitch neighbor thinks they’re witchcraft and freaks out on Facebook when she finds them. 🤣🤣🤣 #DoIt

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Lou, I thought your cousin Duane was joking when he asked me out to the Extreme Dwarfanators Wrestling show – actually, I assumed his entire accent was a goof, too. No one could possibly be so rednecky, lol. You could’ve warned me! Now I feel obligated to go, he cleaned his truck and everything. Are you going, at least? It’s the 20th, a Friday night so I know you’re free. Feels wrong to cheer on “los mini enmascarados” without you.  ~ Melina

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It actually doesn’t take much to be considered a difficult woman. That’s why there are so many of us. ~ Jane Goodall, scientist & conservationist (b. 1934)

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Hot Guy in Blue Hummer: saw you last week driving into Henry Got Crops, and when you nodded my way I really wanted to smile back maybe start up a convo but I could not stop thinking who the eff drives a Hummer anymore? Like no, bro, that is so corny. Also you look like a little ant on that thing lol. You’re cute tho  ~ Greta

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Another Fall in Fishtown — my first one without you, bring it on. I’m ready for cool breezes and new scenery but yet missing your warmth at every degree. Wherever you are, I wish you peace and light. Here’s to better times ahead.  ~ All By Myself

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My girlfriend dumped me so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back? #DadJokes

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Station Bar & Grill (S. Philly) – Attention redhead Meg: have you ever played pool here with some random guy you just met? And then the next night you “meet” that SAME guy again, only you don’t recognize him so instead you think he’s psychic because he knows so much about you? Not sure how to come clean, now, so I hope you see this and stop calling because honestly I was just trying to get with you, I am not interested in being your spirit advisor.  ~ Fortunato

Bird Hikes! Sat Oct 7 – Boxer’s Trail from Mt Pleasant Mansion -&- Sun Oct 22 – Accessible birding at Fairmount Park Horticulture Center. More details at myphillypark.org

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Time Machine Needed: Looking for an operational time machine, new or used. Must be in good working order and demonstrably capable of traveling back to at least 1989. Passenger space preferable but not a dealbreaker. Willing to pay top dollar. ~ Jamie F.

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The forest was shrinking but the trees kept voting for the axe, because the axe was clever, and convinced the trees that because his handle was made of wood he was one of them.  ~ Turkish proverb

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Pro Life Hack: Save biz cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car, just write ‘Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield. Follow me for more tips! @ShadyAuntie

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For W.M. in Fairmount: Well I don’t know about you but wasn’t there a moment when it like felt we were the only real humans there, surrounded by summer-plump beasts heedless of the waning season. Part of wishing requires us not to name our desires, but to bury and guard them faithfully. Here we are, two old scarecrows with nothing anyone wants anymore (not even us). ~ Change My Mind

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Film guy at Little Jimmie’s Bakery Cafe (Germantown) This was back in like 2013. Had just dropped my daughter off at Settlement Music School and you mentioned you used to be involved with film, as a camera operator. Wish I got your info b/c I really need someone with your experience now. ~ WYKYK

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Boss makes a lot.
I make a little.
I’m not a poet.
Guillotine.
@GrittyisTheWay

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Hola, Papi! (Market-Frankford Line) – Westbound weekday mornings, you’re usually searing a muscle shirt that shows off your perfect physique. The other day you were reading a book that makes me think we might be romantically compatible. I’ve been wanting to talk to you, but the subway is a weird place to have a conversation. If you see this, I’d love to talk more about that Larry Benjamin book.  ~ Dondi

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If God made a man in His own image, why are we all, like… invisible?  ~ Fr Guido Sarducci

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Desiree you know how we’ve been hiding your mom’s favorite jean jacket since I puked Everclear and red Kool-Aid all over it in Wildwood? I got an idea! Bet we can find one just like it when the big vintage flea thing comes to Oaks. Save the date: Sunday Oct 15, 11am – 5pm. If we buy early bird tix we can get in an hour earlier! @phillyvintageflea

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Platonic Buds at Triangle (South Philly) Your friend was obnoxious and my wife was caught up with her friends. Naturally, we gravitated to each other as the two most normal dudes in the place. Playing the Net Worth game, I knew once you guessed accurately for a hockey player that you get it. Looking to keep this bromance alive, friends are hard to find nowadays, am I right?  ~ Ant

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My werewolf boyfriend: (screaming)
Me: (gags) Sorry! Omg I’m so sorry I forgot about my silver tooth fillings!!!

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 65 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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