Missed Connections: SEPTEMBER 2023

SEPTEMBER used to be the 7th month, when the ancient Roman new year started in March (750 BC). Today, September is a time of transition: the season’s last cook-outs and new “Back to School” routines. It’s also Labor Day on the 4th – hooray, workers! 🎉🙌🍂  Fall begins Saturday the 23rd with the autumnal equinox at 2:49 AM. September has more songs with its name in the title than any other month, and it’s also the most popular month for weddings. Thursday the 28th is “Ask a Stupid Question Day.”

September zodiac: Virgo (the virgin). Birthstone: Sapphire. Flower: Aster and Morning Glory. Symbol: Willow tree.

🌕This month’s full moon is on the 29th, and it’s in Aries which has a forecast for drama. 🎭 According to folklore, the year’s first snowfall will come 6 weeks after September’s last thunderstorm — and the greater the thunder, the better the next year’s harvest will be. If there’s clear weather on St. Maurice’s Day (22nd), heavy winds will rage this coming winter.

Noteworthy birthdays: Colonel Sanders, Dr. Phil, Lil Wayne, Kublai Khan, Stephen King, B.B. King, Ray Charles, Otis Redding, John Coltrane, Beyonce, Garbo, Rumi, Lafayette, Faulkner, Tolstoy, F. Scott Fitzgerald, T.S. Eliot, T.I., Flo Rida, Meat Loaf, Sam Adams, Jesse Owens, Yao Ming, Neptune, nylon, vinyl, Kodak film, flashbulbs and the first live Giant Panda birth in captivity; the first US newspaper was published Sept 25, 1690.

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It was wrong, Nedda. Idk how you can face him every day. I can’t bear the slightest eye contact, myself, it physically hurts to see him this way. Please know that I wouldn’t be avoiding you if this was nothing. It’s too much, in fact. I’ll meet you here, then, until I unblock your number. Hope you see this. ~ Silvio

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Cootchie Cootchie Coup — It is I, Yevgeny, and I have pulled off my “death” in a fiery plane crash over Moscow. Now I am free and ready to mingle! DO NOT BE COWARD AND NOT RETURN MY MESSAGE HERE!!!! Give the coat girl at Golden Gates your message, she will find me.

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Hey, Mr. Low Heartrate! We passed each other twice today running along the Delaware, chatted a bit at the bridge it was nice. Hey if our workouts are in synch, maybe it’s worth checking what else we vibe on? ~ Neon trainers (you saw coming)

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Pete, do you still have those doubloons? We can probably unload them at the Coin Expo, I don’t think anyone’s checking ID. Meet me at the Expo Center, Sat Sept 23. Might as well bring the ingots, too, we could certainly use the cash. Phillycoinexpo.com

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Life is like a helicopter. 🚁 I don’t know how to operate a helicopter. 🤪 ~ Miss Bees

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Alright who is the jerk on S. 52n Street with the fire alarm going all night long? You better be dead of carbon monoxide poisoning and not just a negligent homeowner who’s out of town all weekend. Sorry if this is harsh but I’m super cranky when I don’t sleep for 48 hours!!!! ~ Karen

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Good Samaritans on Broad Street during a torrential downpour last month. Two young ladies, both from Columbia. You waved me into your truck and drove me home to the Gayborhood. Thank you, I hope you see this! Also if there’s any way I can buy more of those brownies, please call Zach.

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Canvas, camera, cords, or clay: Express yourself through art each day! To love is to inspire another’s imagination. How can we design a gender fluid future that fulfills us both? Are you up for this creative challenge? Whoever you are, I’m waiting.  ~ Soul in the City

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Oh Stanley! I’m putting on my feistiest caftan, my clunkiest baubles, my curliest auburn wig. And I’m gonna tipple with my sisters in Phoenixville. Meet me 6PM at the corner of Bridge & Starr. Saturday the 16th. Fuck the patriarchy.  ~ Helen

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Whole Foods (Art Museum) – Saturday night, a good 15 minutes before closing but all the prepared foods were put away and everyone was straightening up. The ladies room in fact was CLOSED for cleaning already but thank god the men’s was open cause I had to pee so bad. (I didn’t say it was a good story). ~ Linda

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The world is changed by your example, not your opinion. –Paulo Coelho, novelist (b. Aug 1947)

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Prison Jack got sent down for some BS that never shoulda stuck. Now I don’t know where he is. We traveled well together, I miss him and hope he gets out soon. If you know him let him know he’s on my mind. ~ No Snitch Zone

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Gun deaths among CHILDREN were up 42% between 2018 and 2021. Thanks, NRA & GOP! Is this what pro-life means? #Hypocrites

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If you think you love “freedom” but don’t care if it applies to everyone, what you actually love is “PRIVILEGE.” #readthatagain

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Is anyone going to the East Passyunk Music Fest? I’m always suspicious when it’s an ‘inaugural launch” however the set list looks sick, for a family event. Not bad for a Sunday afternoon. Anyway, if you live in the area, the Avenue’s gonna be hoppin’ for five blocks from Broad to Dickinson on the 10th. See you there? I’m Grateful Ted!

So there we were in Target late one Sunday night in center city. OK I was very drunk. Maybe you were, too, which would explain why we both threw up in that clearance bin, and also all the making out we did in the manager’s office, waiting for the cops who never came. If you gave me your number I’ve lost it, please reach out I’m Harper.

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Does anyone know Julie the Uber driver? With the silver Nissan Altima? In the West Philly/Merion area? Who buys and flips houses? Who drove off with my new pancake compressor in her trunk? I think she blocked me. ~ Paoli Pat

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If you love your nana (or someone else’s) you should take her to the National Quilt Extravaganza at the Gr. Phila Expo Center. Sept 14 – 17. Quiltfest.com

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Jealous much? Was really hoping to run into you at the show in Fairmount Park this summer. I can’t imagine the strategic planning that must’ve gone into making sure our paths didn’t cross. Am I such a threat to her happiness? Gotta admit, it’s a power trip. ~ Mrs X

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City Winery – Lookin for the guy who sat at my table Thursday night. We’re both new to Philly. You were telling me about behavioral psychology when the show began and I never got to show you those photos of my “Skinner box” bathroom. If you happen to see this, hmu! It’s Keith!

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You know what’s a great 1st date? Retro-Con! If you can’t find stuff to talk about in 67,000 sq ft of vintage toys and collectibles, you might as well call it quits right there. No harm, no foul. SEPT 9 & 10, Oakes Expo Center, retrocons.com

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Lost and Fiend: sure, Ron, I could’ve told you about the secret room I found off our den, but look you don’t need another man cave, and this space is perfect for hot yoga, which is totally what I’m doing with all the black candles, which generate heat of course. PS the big pentagram on the floor is for alignment. ~ Minnie

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You didn’t so much dump me as dismiss me from your life, my services are no longer needed. Well. I don’t know about that. But I do know my name’s on your car title. Get used to walking. ~ Used Car Salesman

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Mercy to the guilty is cruelty to the innocent.  – Adam Smith, the Father of Economics (1723 – 1790)

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Reading Terminal Market 8/10, we shared a table but not your sandwich from Hershel’s (corned beef). That’s OK I only eat cheese, chicken nuggets, and sour patch kids. I may eat like a toddler but I’m all man, I assure you. Let me prove it.  ~ Mitch

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Attractive woman in McMichael playground: you had two kids with you, I had my son. I must’ve talked your ear off about SEPTA but I didn’t want you to leave before I could ask for your number. Never did get up the nerve, especially after you said you hated it when random guys hit on you in public. How do you feel about it in newsprint? Hope to hear from you! ~ Gene M.

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BIG TOP FREAKY!! Cirque Du Soleil is in town this month, Janice, and this is all I want for my birthday. Looks like some sort of steampunk shit and also there’s fire. We’re going!! Sept 26 – Oct 22, pick a day.  @cirque-du-soleil-bazzar

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An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough. #Dadjokes

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PHL: Mrs Mile High – We shared a row on a flight from Denver. You wore black leggings and a blouse that opened in the front with no bra. You seemed to know the guy between us very well. I just wanted you to know I saw everything. Thank you, 17-D

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To the girl who lost her Kelly green puffer at last year’s Oktoberfest on South Street – I’ve been holding on to it all this time! I’m going again this year it’s the 16th, a Saturday. My company will have a VIP table at Brauhaus Schmitz. Come get your coat and take some swag. ~ Mr. Burns

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Day Drinking and Dolphins! You: two Black women. Us: two white dudes. Bar hopping in Manayunk. Hottest weekend of the year (thanks to you). Did you ever find your boyfriend, lol?  ~ Brad

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Q: Where do bad rainbows go?
A: Prism. It’s a light sentence that gives them time to reflect. #groan

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Bobbie, baby! I haven’t seen ya out fishing lately. And the weather’s been fine! You outta worms again? I’ll leave a bucket out like old times. Extra wiggly. Don’t be shy. ~ Crisco Kid

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Oh no there’s gonna be OPERA in the park, and it’s FREE so you know all the white people are coming out for this, rolling up they windows and crowding up all the good spots. There goes another Sunday at FDR park. Smh. Stay clear Sept 10 after 6:00pm. Myphillypark.org

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Meal For One – Saw you cut the line at Fishtown McD, but no one said anything so I didn’t neither. You were really pretty, tho, I think that’s why we all let you go ahead. You didn’t order much but still that was rude. I will not be so silent the next time. ~ Doug

We met at the Tandem parachute thing (we both had Groupons). I’m Pamela, from the plane. You are tall with dark hair and a terrible fear of heights. Also, you scream like a woman. We all agreed to go for beers afterwards but you never showed which is probably a good thing because Denise got drunk and told us all how you soiled yourself and swore her to secrecy. #Oops

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A-ROO!!! Yo Randy a bunch of science nerds are hiking Lemon Hill with their little charts and scopes and whatnot for the big full moon this month. You still got that 2-person wolf suit? I need it Saturday the 26th, 7pm to like 9. @Fairmount Park Conservancy

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One Thursday on South Street: Hello? Does anyone even read these? We talked about New Order at the bar for awhile. Sorry I had to cut you off, but that weird guy who streaked out the door was actually my husband, who I was pretending not to know at the time. If you see this, hi! It’s Tonya.

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The two things I like about taking a sound bath is that, 1) my friends can join me and 2) nobody has to get wet or naked. Wait, is that three things? I will ask Professor Chang on 9/30 as we loll together in the rhythmic echoes of her deeply sonorous bowls. 10-11AM. Lemon Hill Mansion

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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re giving blood. #Dadjokes

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Hey Jaime I sent you a letter pouring my heart out. Did it get lost in the mail? I didn’t put my return address. You never wrote back. Does this mean we’re done? Just wondering. ~ Jordan

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Bonita Anita at the Aramingo Walmart, so helpful with my list, so courteous even with those rude shoppers, trying to horn in on our good thing. Every item has a story, you understand that. So cute how you brought me batteries when I told you I was out of lithium.  See you soon!  ~ Your Friend Gus

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Marissa the Starbucks Goth: this posting serves as your formal invitation to our Night Market adventure we’ve planned for Thursday the 7th at the Navy Yard. The sun will still be out at 4pm when the fun begins, hope that doesn’t offend your sense of darkness. PS I signed us up for yard games!  ~ Eager Beaver

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All I’m saying is, if you shouted “Lock her up” before but are not shouting “Lock him up” now, you have to admit it was never about emails and you’re a hypocrite. ~ Observant Independent

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Morning rush at the Wayne Ave Dunkin (Germantown), I beheld a lovely brunette with the most magnificent eyes! I’m the guy with glasses in the olive cap, who practically dropped his blueberry muffin when you walked by. Hope to see you again. Please say hi. ~ Pumpkin Spice Latte

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DOGGEREL OF DIOGENES The rains seem to fall where all the man walks/His foot in mouth whenever he talks/Famished for thought/Values storebought/No road in sight yet he’s gunning it./With an eye for the truth but no stomach for it.  ~ Tim is for Timid

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To the Amazon driver who knows he’s hot, who wears his t-shirts too tight (and his pants even tighter). Who struts around our complex like he’s God’s gift to women, when clearly he’s made for a man. You know that guy? Dibs. ~ Rikk Rokket

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Liz Barcade (Fishtown) Sunday Aug 13th , around 8:30 – 9:45 pm. A couple was having a loud, colorful argument so all the other customers gathered together to watch and make humorous commentary. It was you, me, your brother and his friend Emily at the end of the bar. You asked me to join your pub crawl and I said I meet you at the next place but never made it. If you see this I wish I got your number! ~ Bambi

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I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said “Yes, the others were all nines and tens.” Send bail money.  #MomJokes

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Call me old fashioned, but a Fall Fest in the heart of Center City seems… weird. To me, autumn is a season best celebrated in the fresh outdoors, not on crowded urban streets. Thousands of people come out, it says so right in the event description. All sorts of food & drink specials, with sidewalk sales across Midtown. September 30, all day. Forget about it.

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New Real Estate Owner in Manayunk — This is for the guy who bought the house I’m renting, I thought we had like a thing when you stopped by with the inspector not once but twice. And then again by yourself, dropping hints that I would’ve acted on if I didn’t have to work. Did you mean to leave your tape measure on my bed? Set at 8 inches? Oh, I’m interested. ~ 2nd Floor Tenant

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Once upon a time, my dear Marie, I was hypnotized by your accent. The sound of your speech swept me away to magical realms unknown. It spoke of new horizons, lives not yet lived, dreams waiting to be realized. Funny how it grates now in our golden years, like a salesman’s empty enthusiasm. Life is cruel. ~ Your Darling Dick

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Men: If men didn’t exist, who would protect you.
Women: Protect us from who?
#irony

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Most PAWESOME Farmers Market yet in East Falls under the Twin Bridges Sat Sept 16 (10 – 1). Everything pets! Donations and free giveaways too. With great local shopping.

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Things fall apart. What can you do? That’s just the way the cookie crumbles. It is what it is. Take it easy on yourself, you’re all you’ve got. ~ Merrily D.T. Stream

We hope you have enjoyed this Month’s MISSED CONNECTIONS!

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About Karl Von Lichtenhollen 68 Articles
Dr. Karl Von Lichtenhollen is a doctor and fellow of the Applied Knowledges at Blödsinn Universität in Munich, Germany (1973). He was born and raised in the Nether Regions area of Holland, near Tainte, which he refers to fondly as a "Dutch Wonderland." Dr. Lichtenhollen once shared a houseboat in Amsterdam with the cast of a geriatric production of HAIR, inspiring his famous essay, "That Which I Cannot Unsee." He is a three-time recipient of the "Iron Feather" award. His hobbies include ascots, Highland wool sweaters and his pipe. He has a cat.

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