For your business & pleasure: Dr. Karl shares edits the best neighborhood buzz. Sometimes he adds pictures and commentary. If he likes you, he’ll put you in the paper.
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SEPTEMBER 2019
Justin, I found someone who appreciates a pure heart and gourmet cooking. Who is not terrified by carbs or commitment. Enjoy your TV dinners and Netflix. Bria
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Things That Make You Go Hmmmm: Have we considered that the President might be addressing climate change through engineering a recession that will reduce the use of fossil fuels?
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Oh ew Rose. Dane said you were a party pooper – I didn’t realize you actually POOP at parties. Like, under tables and behind curtains and stuff. What the hell? That’s sick! I cleaned up the mess you made at Bubbe’s 70th but you are NOT welcome at Jerry’s bar mitzvah unless you get some HELP! I honestly don’t know what’s happened to you. You used to be such a nice girl. – Aunt Liz
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In the end, I’d like to think Waldo finds himself.
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FREE LIVE JAZZ!
Summer Jazz Series honoring Jeff “Mr Jazz” Duperon!
Councilman Curtis Jones presents the 2nd Jazz in the Park at Inn Yard Park
Thursday Sept 19th from 6 – 7:30 pm
Bring a chair or blanket for a great night of live music under the stars…
Free Party & Mural Arts Fundraiser
Wine! Beer! Appetizers!
THURS Sept 19 (5:30 – 7:30pm)
4701 Germantown Avenue
RSVP muralarts.org/phillyofficeretail
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Lawanda, I still don’t know. I’ll have more information after I speak with the Algerian Attaché. I’ll do my best to get you out of this whole thing. Stay tuned. ~Leo
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Dennis. None of this would be illegal if you’d only tell the truth. I can’t believe you’re making me take the fall for this. Please post my bail immediately, at least. – L Train
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Don’t act like I didn’t warn you Ron, now you know why they say “Never moon a werewolf.” Also don’t go asking Lestat out for a bite, whatever you do. ~Eddie
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Hey, Mike, if Grandpop started raving about buying countries and being the Chosen One, at the barest minimum we’d confiscate his car keys. Don’t be a hypocrite.
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Block Party: Conrad Street
Get your Falls on!
Sat Sept 28 (4 – 9pm)
Conrad between Sunnyside & IQL
All welcome.
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Chuck: Sorry I missed your BBQ but your directions were the worst. You told me to take 47 south and then go left at the sign for Cape May Whorehouse. There is NO SIGN for Cape May Whorehouse!!! I ended up in Rio Grande, which is somehow a town in Jersey because I guess they ran out of names that weren’t taken. When I asked at the gas station about Cape May Whorehouse, the guy said I’d have more luck in Wildwood. I drove right back over the bridge where the world makes sense again. – Uncle Joe
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**Canine Fine Dining**
New Doggie Dishes at Trolley Car Café! Chicken Jerky, Chili Bowl, Frozen Yogurt Pops, Peanut Butter Biscuits and a Hungry Hound platter with turkey, apples, carrots and greens. Great food for humans, too! Open 7 days a week. (East Falls) Don’t Forget: PAWSOME at EF Farmer’s Market (across from Trolley Car Café) Sat Sept 14 (10am – 2pm)
Steph, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings by calling you “Oompa Thurman” in front of everyone at Doug’s last weekend. I did not realize the name would stick. But in my defense, you look just like an Oompa Loompa with that orangey self-tanner and your white blonde hair/eyebrows. But still very pretty! OK? Are we good now? — Josh
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Anything you allow your government to do to other people, they will eventually do to you. #truth #wakeup #resist
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Vena, Vena, Vena…
A wise man once told me “Never stick it in the crazy.” I didn’t listen and you know how that worked out. Now if I understand you correctly, you’re asking me to make that same mistake again. Sorry, sweetheart. I know your heart’s in the right place but I am definitely and completely not interested. – DeMarcus
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What happened to dating?
I’m just here sitting in my livingroom thinking, what happened to dating. I understand each individual has his/her own “needs”, but why nobody ever takes the time to bother knowing or try to know someone. Where feelings and magic went, chemistry?
Not even when you pay on a dating website works.
Our expectations went to 💩.
When did we fail as society?
Why can we have a normal conversation over coffee or something?
Why married couples cheat but stay together for financial and other situations?
Why nobody believes in love anymore?
Why there are so many shady people that keep us from trust.
~Keishie
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*SATURDAYS*
*BUY LOCAL*
Harvest season begins at our neighborhood Farm Stands
Germantown Kitchen Garden: Fresh bread, eggs, produce, flowers, plants, local teas, kimchi, kombucha. 9am – 1pm (215 East Penn St)
East Falls Farmers Market: Fruits, veggies, meats, Artisan cheese, crafts and specialty items. 10am – 2pm (under the Twin Bridges)
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Target machine ate your card! You yelled to high heaven, called the pimple-face cashier a ho!!! We laughed so hard till security came. I caught your name but not the number you shouted while they dragged you back. I don’t usually do things like this and you may never see this. But, I couldn’t help feel like we kindred!! Soulmates!!! Would love to hear from you. @miss_jacksonifurnasti
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Mom at Cloverly, doing cartwheels with the children. I am the weekday reader with a terrier at my feet. I admire your ease and exuberance. How does she do it? And why? If you can see me peering at you over my book, you never let on. Is she really that happy? Am I? Donnabird
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Monday Market at Lovett Memorial Library
Food Trucks – Kids Stuff – Beer Garden
September 16, 4pm – 10pm
6945 Germantown Avenue
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Tell me how this makes sense. If I’m carjacked, I’m a crime victim. If I’m robbed, I’m a crime victim. If I’m kidnapped, I’m a crime victim. But if I’m raped? I’m an accuser. That’s bullshit.
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Lucky Ricky. Met you when we were shooting craps in Jeff’s attic. You blew my dice. I wish we’d been playing poker, that jack up my sleeve was useless. Either way, I’m all in. – John
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THIS IS BILL FROM EAST FALLS TALKING TO YOU ON THE PHONE! Looking for the married couple that liked to play tag team wrestling with me in their basement rec room. Don’t know their name or address but they had a big porch it was brick! The guy had dark hair and the lady had a weird voice, like Kermit the Frog. Let me know how to contact you I am not online.
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You know who you are because we locked eyes many times at the laundromat. I am infatuated, it was so hot today. Call me Pookie.
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Wings ‘n Wheels
SAT SEPT 7th
11AM – 4PM
Family-fun day of wings, wheels & aviationhistory. Unique vintage & military aircraft on display plus classic cars, as well. Sight-seeing flights, food, music, kids’ activities and more. $10/$5 kids 10 and under. Free parking! All proceeds bnefit Angle Flight East Facilities, a non-profit organization providing free air transportation for medical needs, disaster relief and more.
Wings Field
1501 Narcissa Rd
Blue Bell, Pa
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DON’T MISS
Hi-Vi Lounge
Saturday Sept 28
7:00 PM until midnight
Come as you are, to a transformative experience to restore your energy and inspire your imagination. Jazzy neo soul sounds aligned with binaural beats. Wholesome foods to spark the mood and invigorate the palate. A loving peaceful community of service and retail providers. Plan to stay. You are home, my friend.
Upstairs at 23 Maplewood Mall (Books & Stuff)
Admission $10
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Dear Mr Policeman or should I say Thank you, Officer for letting me off with a warning after I ran over that curb and up across that lady’s garden and over her nextdoor neighbor’s fence. I would also like to thank my surgeon for the DD implants this spring. Wow, these things work like magic! Suckers!!! — Jane R.
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10th ANNUAL #PHILLYHONEYFEST
at the historic Wyck House/Garden/Farm
Tastings, demos, mead, vendors and more.
Sat Sept 7, 10am – 4pm
6026 Gtown Ave FREE & family-friendly
Phillyhoneyfest.com
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DON’T PLAY WITH MY HEART: It’s you there, and me here. What’s up with that, baby? I miss you so bad. It’s been a long summer, I’ve been very patient. Tell me now why we aren’t together, or come back where you belong. Yours, Kevin
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Michelle of Olathe, Your speech was blurry, but my aim was true. It was interesting and sweet. C’mon, let’s do it again! ~Frampton on Fisk
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My Silly Billy Green Bean! You’ve been on my mind a lot lately. How I miss your friendship, your funny face! ~The Jiggly Giggly Tomato Worm in your Community Garden
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NO DOG? NO PROBLEM!
Everyone’s welcome on a Pack Walk.
Join your neighbors and their four-footed friends on a friendly group stroll around East Falls. Sundays 9:30 am at McMichael Park. Route changes every week to weave an hour-long path through this charming residential NW Philly neighborhood. Leashed dogs only, all temperaments welcome. FREE
Parks On Tap On High
September 25 – 29
Beer garden on the Strawberry Mansion Bridge
Kelly Drive views just minutes from East Falls
Ride your bike, it won’t kill you to get some exercise!
parksontap.com
PS BRING MUSIC!
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Hey dumbass, It’d be sweet if you’d help me edit my screed before I codify it. ~beaner
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The further a society drifts from the truth, the more it will hate those that speak it. – George Orwell
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Smart Exciting Wonderful Beautiful Rachel, you don’t deserve this. She’s so mediocre, just a washed-up hag with boring old stories no one cares about. How she lured Phil away, is anyone’s guess. Do yourself a favor and change the locks already. — Sam
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Gary, I’ve been thinking about how to answer what you asked the other night in the chat room, talking about life. “Do you have any egrets?” you typed and of course I thought of Bugsby in the back pond. For years we assumed he was a heron, but then Sharon googled and surprise. Busbsy’s an egret. But I always say heron, it’s hard to change at my age. You’re right, though. Good old Bugsby. I should count my blessings. ~Mr. Anderson
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“Put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.” – Abraham Lincoln
“Feet, what do I need you for when I have wings to fly?” – Frida Kahlo
“Your feet will bring you to where your heart is.” – Irish Proverb
“Now, I’ve sucked a toe or two in my time.” ~Steve Murray
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Don’t laugh, Warren – yes I have given our stupid argument way too much thought. But I had no answers for you the other night and that bugged me so here goes: I think I like watching all those reality cop shows because they reassure me. No matter how bad it seems at any given moment, my life is going a whole lot better than those people being murdered or arrested. ~Tabby
LOCAL MEET & GREET
**WEDS SEPT 25th**
Welcome, Gtown & East Falls neighbors!
Free Community Social with the Local newspaper team, featuring Philly Mag (and Gtown neighbor) Sandy Smith. Music & refreshments in Historic Gtown’s public gallery with grassy green courtyard and porch.
6:30 – 8pm; 5501 Germantown Ave
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Mountain Mama, I didn’t catch your name last night, we met at Shelle’s party – nobody could believe we weren’t related! How weird that we both look so much John Denver, being curvy women especially. Must be our bowl haircuts and glasses (our suede vests didn’t help). Were you serious about meeting sometime for a photo shoot? ~Annie
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Feather, You are my moon shot, and you love me. Still breathless at my own good fortune. ~Finn
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Great Robert Conrad’s scrotum, Kellie! That’s not what she meant. She was talking about “Thor” the movie. Not “Thor,” your god. All those bad things she said were about the MOVIE. Calm down, will ya? Now let’s go home and light some blood ruby candles and put on some relaxing Black Metal in the background.
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Baby Girl Princess this is for you baby I’m so proud of you! I know you will thrive at school and excel in the studies you choose. XOXOXOXO Mama, Martin, Deon, Rennie, Kiki, Cherish and Bubbles
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Considering community leadership?
EFF WANTS YOU!!
East Falls Forward is a Registered Community Organization in Philadelphia and the neighborhood’s only democratic voting body weighing in on zoning/business decisions. Come out for a 3rd Thursday meeting/mixer to learn about new positions available for members with vision and focus. Next Meeting: Thurs Sept 19, 6:30 – 8pm at BuLogics (3721 Midlvale) eastfallsforward.org
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Attn: President, Monty Python Fan Club, NW Philadelphia
I printed up your email, scanned it and faxed it back just as requested. Please tell me where the first meeting is. — DG aka The Derch
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Merideath, I guess you’re right, I AM an irony magnet. And you, my dear, are a portent of catastrophe. ~JC Maxwell
Dear Nina, a Sonic Love Leter
The canon of legendary Nina Simone by vocalist/pianist Drea d’Nur, backed by 6-piece string ensemble Rootstock Republic. An encore performance of the music that brought the house down last May at the Nina Simone fest.
SUNDAY SEPT 29 at Milo – The Meeting House 7165 Gtown Ave Mt Airy $25 germantownarts.com
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Carolyn, I’m leaving you. It’s no use faking my attraction when my heart beats for the sharp, alluring curves of a real woman’s clavicle. Like your friend B, whose pointy shoulder bone literally hooks my right eyelid when we hug hello. J is a lucky man, I must find my own spikey goddess! Don’t hate me, be happy. ~Darwin
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TJ: You beat my heart like a baby seal. You sick brutal mfer. I hope whoever owns you in the end is merciless. ~ Bitch of Paybacks
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You sniffed me hard and knocked me numb, cleaved my head open when we met. Dug around, found something good I guess because one by one – pop! pop! pop! – you cracked my ribs apart and squeezed yourself into my heart. No anesthesia. What were you thinking? How can you blame me for my antipathy? How can I not love you, after all we’ve become? — Teena
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Can’t pull one over on you, Sandy, you’re right, I don’t have allergies. My eyes are bright red because I’ve been hanging with your brother again. If you have a problem, talk to him. (If you need a z, talk to me) – @Skeeter_stash
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WELL AREN’T YOU DRAMATIC, Neesa? Fringe Fest is perfect for you. I’ve always said you’re way off-center. Trolley Car Sept 4/8/11/15/18 Gtown Sept 6/7/13/14 Pick some dates, we’ll make a scene.
Sergeant Bombshell: you’re my “one who got away,” yet now you tell me that I’m yours. Surely you see the course of action. Why haven’t you called? ~Dazzled Denee
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Scott, congrats on that dishonorable mention. You earned it. ~Lou
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Yolanda, Heads up, no one found your fascinator fascinating. Except maybe the bird that went after the wax fruit in your bow. Try again. ~Lucille
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Grape Ape, you called it! Mustached monkeys’ feces helped regenerate Amazonian rainforest destroyed by humans. I still don’t see the connection between that and Mrs. D’s planter. PS Do you know Rose? ~BJ McKay
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My name is Carl and I like to dance! With everyone! Hahaha! Tell me what dances you do, I do them all and what I don’t know I love to learn. I prefer to lead okay? ~Carl
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To my Dream Girl if You Exist, You probably already know these things about yourself, but let me describe you anyway. To the beach, you wear an over-sized authentic Rush tshirt from an actual concert (because they are your favorite band, since I am dreaming). Underneath you sport an R2D2 bathing suit. The part about the bathing suit that’s sexy is not the fit, or you having a healthy body. No, it is the mere fact that you are wearing an R2D2 bathing suit because it’s cool as hell. Just like you. Everything else will fall into place, since obviously you must be perfect in every other possible way. Hope to see you around. – George
MISSED CONNECTIONS, August 2019
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