Missed Connections: October 2019

For your business & pleasure: Dr. Karl shares edits the best neighborhood buzz. Sometimes he adds pictures and commentary. If he likes you, he’ll put you in the paper. 

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OCTOBER 2019

Hey, a ton of people replied to my ad the other month but I didn’t follow thru on anyone. I feel really bad. Let’s try this again. I’m Denise on Pulaski, seeking friends to hang during the day while everyone else is at work.

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Whoever keeps putting signs up regarding a yard sale at my in-laws address (3500 Cresson St) needs to stop. There is no yard sale at our home. So if your complaining to the township or community council please know that we are not the ones putting those signs up. thank you.

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Alert: I didn’t want to upset anyone but I was out jogging on a Wednesday morning and this guy freaked me out. He was getting on a bike at Calumet (near Ridge). He was dressed in pants and a long-sleeve shirt. The creepy part was he was wearing a hospital mask and carrying what looked like a baseball equipment bag! He was maybe six feet tall. He rode towards Kelly Drive. Be on the lookout! – Corralynee (resident 7 years)

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Parks on Tap Yoga, McMichael Park – That was me in the blue tank top, white shorts. Caught you looking while I was in downward dog. Are you that hot right-side up? In a blink, you were gone. I’ll never know, I guess.

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People. Just imagine what would happen, if SC, and IG, and Twitter, all magically, mysteriously crashed all at once… Would we spiral and flail in the incessant vacuum of a reality that never actually existed? Or would we seek out other platforms to manifest productivity, community, positivity?

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To the short woman at Market Square’s Farmers Market with the braids and green nail polish. If you were wondering if the tall guy with his hands full of winter squash was checking you out – I was. If our eyes meet again, I hope you’ll favor me with a hello.  – Danny

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Mr. Earl the Oenophiliac: Thank you for the sparkling conversation in the IGA’s wine aisle. I enjoyed learning about champagne and other carbonated beverages as well.  – Helen Hiccups

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You sat across from me on the 23. What a goddess in leopard print! Chic, dark, mysterious. Bushy bushy eyebrows and hairy arms tho. Wondering what’s going on. My name is Gary, you made my day.

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To the guy living in a tent under the shrubbery beneath the Twin Bridges: I saw you at the last beer garden. In fact, I think I pissed all over your campsite. There was always a line for the porta potties. Sorry. Buy you a beer next time.

A LEGENDARY OKTOBERFEST
follows the Battle of Germantown
** OCTOBER 5 (4pm – 8pm) **
Grumblethorpe (5267 Gtown Ave)
Live Music, Local & International Talents
Free Admission!
Beer & Food Sales support
this National Historic Landmark

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You mistook me for your neighbor after the last EFCC meeting (we both have red hair). I could not possibly disagree with you more about those developers. Still, I am intrigued by your offer to take the Town Watch mobile on a joyride. Tell me more over coffee at Thunder Mug.  – “Ginger”

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A rainy Weds or Thurs, around 8 pm. That minimart on Wissahickon Ave. Black baseball cap, black sweats & sneakers & a black shirt with big white lettering: NOT TODAY, SATAN! You’d waddled off before I got a picture. If you see this please share a pic of you in this shirt! (No d please.)

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Birthday Haiku for Jurnie

Today is Birthday,
Tomorrow is not Birthday,
Refrigerator.
— Roy

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The Beautiful Ones they really do hurt you, T. Every time. You know this. But now here you are with Charlene again. I wash my hands.  – B

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What do you think, shorty? Was that the best maroosh you’ve ever had or what? #alshamalltheway

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It’s only a matter of time, with that new waist-deep koi pond in my yard. I’m thinking that I’ll wade in there to feed them every morning. Won’t that be delightful? They’re curious, yet seem sincere. So: nude, or swim trunks?  My only worry with the former is there could be a feeding frenzy, and my “eel” could be in danger. Can I say “eel” here? You know what I mean. (My penis)   ~B. Schmeptstein

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Looking for Benji. We met lunchtime behind Trolley Car. Caught dinner after work. You invited me home. You had a pretty big dog with floppy ears. Tan. You were the man and I loved it. Lost your contact info. Message me here. – The Tramp

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Happy Birthday Trenyce,
I’ve rented Imperfect Gallery for four months next year. Now all we have to do is write and stage the perfect vehicle to showcase your unique form of, I guess you’d call it, spoken word poetry with performance art and some body painting and a little fancy footwork too. Not really dancing but very compelling! Anyway, talk to Anwar your producer darling. Can’t wait for opening night! – Daddy Warbucks

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My Nurse, Toni –
You were my best nurse when I was in the hospital last year around this time. A good person and interesting too. The only one who made me feel at ease and ok. Maybe it was the Ativan, Ambien, or Oxy but I got the sense that we were connecting on a deep and meaningful level. Do you love me like I love you? I will leave this at your station next time I’m at the hospital. You know how to reach me if you want to.  — Kree

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EXORCIST SPECIAL, October Only

Fast deliverance from possessions, hexes and attachments of all kinds. Experienced demon fighters to your doorstep, no travel fees all month. Plus 20% off sacred candles and holy water. Call Father Phil 215-666-KILR

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Jim,  What in the hell is “Spock Porn”?! And why did several terabytes of it copy over onto my laptop the last time you stayed over?    ~Uhura

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Coming Home from Incarceration?
The Mayor’s Office of Reintegration Services (RSE) provides services including case management, vocational training, parenting & anger management classes, expungement and employment assistance and more. If you are 18+ and reside in Philly, you probably qualify. Stop by, no appt necessary: 1425 Arch St #103 or call 215-683-3370.

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golden patch of sunflowers by the last red brick rowhome standing on the rundown block in East Germantown where we grew up. Reminded me of you. I wish you peace, Jermaine, wherever you are.

More information on Facebook!

AUTUMN BACKYARD TREE GIVEAWAYS
Free! Free! Free!
Sat Oct 19 at the Vernon Park Community Bazaar & Flea Market (9am – 3pm)
Sat Nov 2nd  at the East Falls Farmers Market (10am – 2pm)
TreePhilly.com to reserve. Don’t miss out!

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I confess. I feel self-conscious when my dog sees me naked or on the toilet. (He seems shamey.)  — Rocco’s mom

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Amberlee, Yesterday you were my Muse. These days, woman, you’re more like my noose. Don’t forget, there’s nothing keeping me here but you. If I’m gone you’ll know why.   ~Lazaro

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Anyone else notice the apparent drug/alcohol usage on the corner of Queen and Morris lately? Daytime, even! Doesn’t look like they’re even trying to hide it. Why do all these people have no where to go?  Smh  — Dwayne

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Melissa, I am too embarrassed to have this conversation in person. I’m pretty sure you found my box of stuff. Costumes, let’s call them. “Equipment” shall we say. Great, I am happy to answer any questions. However. I can tell you’ve been wearing/using them. It’s so obvious, you’ve gotta be trying to send me a message but honestly, I don’t know what it is. Of course the box is locked now. Let me know if we should talk.  – Phil

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**GRAND OPENING**
Meet PIT: Prime Intensity Training with:
Sledgehammers, tires, kegs, medicine balls, ropes
plus all your grit and might!
New EF Location, check it out
SAT OCT 12 (7pm – 11pm)
Food/booze/vendors
FREE! Bring the kids, dogs, whatever
4014 Ridge Ave

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Barney, Enough. Give it up or get on out! I don’t got time for this bullsheet.  ~Phatt Rhonda

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Since there’s such a SCANDAL about the graffiti, I’ll type this here instead of spray painting it there, where I would’ve used artful lettering in a rich, inspiring shade of royal purple. “I can’t tell if I miss you or if I miss what I wanted you to be.”  ~Fiesty

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Rotunda my love away at college! The Freshman 15? More like the Freshman 40, baby! Lol!!!!  Good thing I like Reubens!  Hahaha No seriously, slow down on that meal plan or I’m outtie. ~Rodin

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1957, 6 Jun  Lying around Lisbon, like an old vampire woman lingering in her eternity.  ~Côrte-Real

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seen you outside the deli couple weeks ago, pulled over on crotch rocket, said all this sh-t to me bout how i so fine and how should have gave you my number then you friend came out sort of f-cked up if ya see this plz hit me up, and tell me more about that bike! you know where im at.   sonika

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Icecreamtruck woman —  Been buying cones from you all summer – wow you are cute in a grandmotherly way!  Or maybe more? You are on my mind a lot. I miss our chats as the weather grows colder… I know I’m young but I feel I could have much to offer a woman like you. Also, what do you do with the ice cream in the off-season? Do you have someone to eat it all before it expires for the year? As your boyfriend, I could help!  — Jonathan (by the school)

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Ralphie:  okay so you blabbed, it’s not that bad. When you see this, call that number I made you memorize. Tell them Code Blue. You’ll find instructions with the currency you need in a steel box concealed in the uppermost fork of the tree outside Coleman library (ask Stan if you need climbing gear). Message me here as soon as you’ve completed Task One.  – Mr B

Join the study group at www.greatgtown.org/studygroup

Hip Flexors Need Love Too!
Open them up (along with your quads, calves and hammies)
Cyclist’s & Runner’s Yoga with Justine Bacon
SAT OCT 26 (1:30 pm – 3pm)
WHYY, 150 N. 6th Street
All levels, tix here.

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SWF: I admire that you are biking to numb your loneliness. Hopefully, with each spin of those pedals, a tiny bit of that crazy ebbs away. Tell me: was that helmet custom to fit over your obscenely inflated head? PS: All the cool kids cross in front of Septa. You should try it. – Mare

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“and that was just for starters. It’s like you went there with all this in mind, didn’t talk to ME about it – sure as hell didn’t give any of them a heads-up and then – BOOM – there you are expecting them to just go along with it. What did you think was going to happen? How stupid are you? What? No! Sure, I can do that. But I’m just gonna go as I am. If she gets upset about that,  that’s on her.”   (some lady at Uncle Bobbies talking into her phone so loud I could write down every word) #shutupshutupshutup  ~Lady Cortado

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I’m Aida (cd) I’m looking for the guy that used to body wax me on Ridge Avenue. Please contact me I need you today its an emergency.  ~ Aida

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Okay people we go thru this every full moon. Whoever the werewolf is who is metamorphosing in Tilden Street’s back alley – CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Where do you think your clothes go when you rip out of them? I’ll tell you: in my yard, on my car, blowing down the damn street. And I know it’s you leaving that big steamy pile of you-know-what at the end of my driveway. A little consideration is all I’m asking.  – Col Potter

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Oh magical month! OCT 2015, Gtown Dollar — we gazed into each others eyes across the bug sprays. I would never forget those eyes.  OCT 2016, Queen Lane station – you literally tripped into my lap. Those eyes again! But I could never impose. OCT 2018, your cousin’s wedding – so surprised and grateful. Here’s to our first year, Ceecie.   – Darien

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Wine & Spirits Store on Chelten – who buys sloe gin? How old do you think that bottle is? I could see the dust from the wine section. Damn you’re fine but I don’t think I could be with a man who drinks sloe gin. I work the early shift at Popeyes if you have a good explanation.  (ask for Avalon)

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Madam Polecat – Nothing to see here, just admiring from afar. You’ll have to come to me if you wanna get funky.   ~Biz ’99

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Princess K:
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Sugar is sweet
And so are you.
But the roses are wilting
The violets are dead
The sugar bowl’s empty
And so is your head.
— Daddy Doggerel

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Ramiele: my polish is cosmetic. The real me is pied and motley. Anoop sees this and loves me all the more for it. I need you to agree to sell Daddy’s wig shop and let me live my dream.  — Dappled Diana

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Whippersnapper?! I hardly know her!  — Grandpa Whiskers

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Honey,
You read me books when I was 5 and you were… 5. (Precocious little brat, lol!)  I let you kung-fu flip me onto the spring grass walking home from St B’s just to shut you up. Remember listening to the Sound of Music on my sister’s portable record player? I didn’t like girls back then, but if I did, you’d have been the one for me.  ~Chris

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I was riding Septa down the Avenue when out my window I saw a man and a woman on the sidewalk wrapped up in a hug that pretty much defined love. Grand, all-encompassing and oblivious to the world the rest of us are stuck in. I want that hug. Don’t you, Leandra? — Nikko

Digitize Your Old Pics for Posterity
We’re seeking neighborhood photos from the 60’s and 70’s, when Gtown was its own little city hub. Everyone shopped here – including the Fallsers. Let’s see the cars, the hair, the fashions, the vibe! Bring your best photos to:

The Local Meet & Greet
Thursday October 10th  (6:30 – 8:30 pm).
Free high-def scans emailed to you on the spot (restoration too).
Digital images will be donated to the archives at Historic Germantown, to help document a special time in our community’s history.  FEATURING images from Germantown: In Black & White, a moody exhibit that captures 4 weeks this summer in B&W images, thru the eyes of college interns experiencing the neighborhood for the first time.

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Let’s face it, Charles — Sometimes you have to run in circles to get sh-t squared away. That’s why I’m orbiting back to you. Had to learn, had to live. I’m home now. Let’s over-analyze this year together.  – Clarice

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Change is the only thing that binds us, Mandy. Shame how much time I wasted, before I realized that’s what you were trying to tell me. Let’s try again. – Carmen

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Nagging, jealous, expensive, entitled, spoiled, glamorous, gorgeous girlfriend seeks new boyfriend with low self-esteem to walk all over and spend all his money. Nice car required. Serious inquiries only. Call Miss Bee (see my card at many fine bulletin boards)

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King Rama X of Thailand: Congratulations on your concubine aka “Royal Noble Consort.” Please call me, old chum, it’s been too long. Gotta know how you did it <wink wink>   — Prince A of M

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So, one minute I’m being yelled at by some homeless guy who thinks I stole his suitcase, the next I’m at a dagdurn country club (packed with A-list a-holes as far as the eye can see) chillin’ with ma man who heads the MFD Center at his retirement thing. Life is odd. And so are we. Looking forward to having the whole gang together for jazz night at Paris. Simon, get Pete on the horn asap!  — Len

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215-689-1043 Your voice is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. When I call your number, I love hearing you say hello and what to push for different things. I like how you thank me for calling. I press # for a company directory because I enjoy how you pronounce everyone’s names. (I do this a lot.)  You tell me to press star to talk to a live operator then hang up on me WHY DO YOU HANG UP?! My name is George.

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Conrad, I’m so embarrassed that you came home and caught me exacerbating. So unladylike!  I’ll never forget the look on your face. Should we talk?  ~Carole

Everyone Knows:
The best Halloween candy is at Conrad & Ainslie.
See for yourself this Oct 31. And don’t be a chicken.
PS it’s ALIVE!   — a Friend

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Edging along sidewalks
Just looking to have someone edge around sidewalks. I don’t have the equipment or strength. Hoping $40 cash will cover it.  – J. on Wayne

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Mr. R. I think I catch your drift and while I don’t normally run around on F (esp not with dudes old enuf to me my dad) I will make an exception as long as we are clear. I won’t mind your situation if you don’t mind my avarice. Come see me, I’ll make you a list.  – Ms Madison (in your new duplex by the high school)

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You, my Nemesis came up to me in the bar, right before our fist fight, looked me in the eye and said you had a “chubby” for me. Thinking back on it, maybe it was a missed connection. I know you failed to connect your fist to my face, and I squashed you like a grape. That I know. But maybe all along all you wanted was a sword fight. Lemme know. ~Your Arch Nemesis

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Erica: Our love is like a zombie, the way it came back from the dead to infect and destroy us all. Happy Anniversary, I guess. — Malcolm (ten years and counting somehow)

MISSED CONNECTIONS, September 2019

 

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